Finding My Thunder
by counselor
Summary: Coming of age 1960's. Bella keeps her mother's secrets. But she has some of her own, a love from childhood for the golden boy Edward, the one who no longer sees her. Soon they are tied by more than childhood history. It's a long dark road toward finding her thunder.
1. Chapter 1

Finding My Thunder 1

Christmas vacation, 1966, my sophomore year. A two week reprieve from the hallowed halls of Forkville High in Ludicrous, Tennessee. I was too cold to drag my feet but as I neared home I could see it laying by the gate to our front yard, an old dog, a sooner. She was laying there and she rose up seeing me, but there was no challenge in her, just a sorrowful looking at me, hoping I could decide her fate quick.

I set my books on the ground and knelt beside her and introduced myself. "Hey old girl," I said. "How you doin'? I'm Bella Swan. Yeah that's a good old girl. Sooner be one thing than another." Her ears hadn't been scratched in a long time, and she lifted her white muzzle and closed her eyes it felt so good.

She was grateful for what I could give. She cringed when James Masen barreled past in his purple Fairlane. But I paid that car no mind, and I told her she shouldn't either, but I wondered for a second if Edward was riding shotgun like usual and if he saw me kneeling there, and I wondered if he'd think about it…about me…and I wondered that I wondered about someone so far away he might as well live on the moon. And I let his indifference stab me all over again and I knew I'd let this old dog in.

"Hey, come on," I said opening the wobbly gate, not that she couldn't have come in on her own beneath this rickety fence. But she was polite, I knew that.

So I let her wait on the porch and when I entered the hallway Mama was not downstairs, but I didn't expect it. So I crossed the hall and went in the kitchen. There wasn't much. Naomi lived behind in the carriage house and brought supper like as not. But we had us a pack of hot dogs been in there too long. They smelled okay. So I put them on a paper plate and took them outside.

Sooner was grateful. While she ate I got an old blanket from the chest we used as a coffee table. It had some history, that blanket did, but it hadn't seen the light of day in a while, and it smelled like it had died. I took it outside and shook it and folded it back. I hadn't crawled under our porch for many a year and I didn't want to ruin my one decent pair of bell-bottoms, so I kind of duck walked through the broken trellis that served as a door way on the side of the porch. I smoothed the blanket under there, and Sooner had followed me in and I patted that cover and she settled down still licking the hot dog taste off her teeth.

I'd of liked to do more for her, but around here you only got so much of folk's good intentions cause we were pretty used up.

So I told her goodnight and she did not follow me now, she let me go.

Back at my front door, I stopped enough to touch the sadness that was our Christmas Wreath. We'd had it a hundred years seemed like, well everything, there wasn't much new around here. I pushed past it and once I was in for good then I had to face Mama.

All day had me a feeling at school, all day Mama on me like a shadow, worse than usual. So I called her as I took the creaky stairs, my hand dragging on the wallpaper that held years and years of my family's stories.

"Mama," I said, like I wasn't gonna take her nonsense, like I was brave.

But she did not answer.

The stained glass window on the landing threw color on the boards that creaked beneath my penny loafers. Up a shorter second flight onto the floor where the bedrooms were. I listened and it was so quiet. Too quiet.

Then a thump. Like the house had one heartbeat left in it. And I pushed Mama's door wide. I put my books on the piled dresser. The bed was tousled, pillows dented, covers knotted.

I went there and dropped to my knees and lifted the bedskirt. I looked under the bed across all that dust, and there she was on the other side looking at me. My breath, my hope all in one long rush. She was deeper in.

I dropped that ruffle and got up on the bed and crawled across. She laid on her side, on that crack of carpet between the bed and the wall. Her face hidden by that bedskirt.

I said, "Mama, get up, get up," the way Jesus said to people so many times. That's how Naomi preached it, the 'Get up and walk,' sermon.

But Mama held that skirt over her face so she didn't have to see me. I pulled on her now until she'd give way and I could get her up and shove her on the bed.

These were yesterday's clothes sure enough. And hair from ten years before cause she didn't cut it, wouldn't is what, and it got pretty wild, long and black like the roots of an unearthed plant. But this time of madness was the longest and the farthest away cause I almost couldn't get her back no matter how I shouted.

Naomi said to come get her if Mama wasn't better by tonight and the ladies would come and pray, but sometimes Mama fought that and she would go for Naomi Blue and then we had to pull her off and I'd set on her until she was better but Naomi was too old now, too old for this.

So I hoped to shake her out of it, but then you never knew how it would go one day or another so I thought I'd try and get her in the bath and maybe I could get the knots out of her hair and we'd see then.

"You have got to try," I said to her, petting her like I done with that sooner just minutes before. "You got to try, Mama, or someone is gonna find out and what if they take you?"

She grabbed me and she had the crazy eyes so bad, and she was killing my arm saying loud, "He was so little…and…I had to save him…."

"What are you talking about? Just calm down. Tonight we'll watch Columbo and we can have TV dinners…lasagna."

But she was gripping me hard, "I did it. I did it…."

She was gasping and looking all around.

"Mama…just breathe slow, remember? I'll run you a bath…."

She gripped me again, "You can't tell him."

"Tell who? Daddy?" She didn't need to worry about that. We didn't tell him anything if it could be helped and anyway he was over at Loreena's as usual and had been for nearly two weeks now.

"Promise me…swear it," she yelled at me.

"Tell him what?" I thought of leaving her, running downstairs, calling an ambulance and getting it over with, the shame, for she would fight, Lord she would fight. And we had no money. And I could fix this like a hundred other times. I could get her back.

"The baby…I saved him," she whispered.

"Then you should be proud of yourself," I said.

She slapped me across the face and I saw something white and heard a ringing.

I pushed her away and she fell back whimpering and I ran out of there holding my cheek.

Something popped in me, and I knew I couldn't bear this anymore. I went in the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet and grabbed Daddy's old razor and unscrewed it while I made this terrible sound, and I picked that razor blade out of it with my trembling fingers and I held it up and just stared at it.

I pictured myself showering this whole place with my blood before I died.

Then I caught myself in the mirror, holding that blade…and I looked like her…the eyes…something crazy…and the hair…that for sure.

I thought of Naomi. She would find me. And after Jacob…after him….

I pitched that blade into the toilet and flushed it down and sunk to my knees on that cold white tile and I slammed the lid and folded my arms there and put my head on them and I cried without tears…no tears…just sounds like I didn't know I could make. I wanted…I wanted…and I would die pining…like Mama.

Mama's the one came in sometime later and I was sleeping there on that cold floor in that dark room. She turned on the bright sickening light and I sat up and pushed my hair off my face, and she was docile now, standing small and bowed. And my face throbbed.

"Columbo's on," she said, and this was the most she thought about me in many days…maybe my whole life.

"If you don't go to the doctor…I'm gonna get Miss Blue and she's bringing the ladies," I said pulling myself onto my feet, stiff and hurting.

"No," she said and she come for me and grabbed on. "No, no. I'll go. You don't tell no one."

"Tell them what?" I said.

She nodded. "Nothing."

For I did not pick through her ramblings. But I had heard. The baby. And whatever it meant…I did not know. And I did not care.

I made that appointment after New Years. Naomi Blue drove us to Corning to see the doctor there. Mama made me sit up front with her, and she laid on the back seat.

We did not talk much but Naomi did sing hymns sometimes. And she did tell me a story or two about folks in the colored neighborhood. But mostly, we were quiet.

Mama wouldn't look at a magazine but she sat in the waiting room, her head down. When they called I went too and took her in and helped her sit on the table. She was cleaned up, but she slumped like a rag doll mostly. The nurse said I had to go out, and I wanted to, wanted them to take over…someone…but it didn't matter so much what I wanted and I would die of sin and guilt were I to fail her.

But she wouldn't look at me, she was mad, she blamed me for this. She didn't want to come. So I left her there and sat in the waiting room my stomach so sick and anxious I could barely sit still.

Miss Blue had gone next door to the hospital to see folks cause she had worked there in housekeeping for thirty years…so over she went, and I waited with Mama. When it was done she come storming out holding her blouse closed, it not buttoned and I grabbed our coats and tore after her. She took the stairs down, me quick behind her and we hadn't paid but I had to get her to stop now before she ran outside and I'd have to run after her and everyone would see. So I got her at the bottom. She leaned on the wall and she was moaning, head rolling side to side.

And I said, "What?" But I didn't want to hear.

And she grabbed me and said, "He's in me…it ain't good."

"Stop it," I hissed at her filling the stair well with her crazy talk. "Now you tell me straight or I'll go see myself."

She sobered up some and looked me hard in the eye. "We ain't gonna say anything to Miss Blue…or to your daddy…don't you ever…don't you ever…," and she was little like me but the crazy made her strong as Daddy, and she was shaking me.

I asked, "What did the doctor say?"

And she said, "He ain't ever gonna change…your daddy…if God wants to do me this way…don't you tell your Daddy and don't you ever…ever tell…Blue."

And I said, "Tell what?"

And she eased up and let off, and she slumped against the wall, and I never seen a look so hopeless. "I got…a lump."

"Is it something bad?" I said.

She looked at me then. "Don't you ever tell. He's in me now. He's in me."

We held her secret all that school year…the lump...him being in her. I thought of it in the dark shadows of my room…at church while I watched the ladies dance in the aisle and play their tambourines…at school when I stared out the window…when I looked at Edward across the way…across the great expanse, as they clapped for him on fields, in gyms, on stage at assemblies, in the lunch room…as they wanted so much for him…as he feasted on hoorays…as another year ended and summer stretched long and hot and poor…I thought of Mama and her secrets. And I thought of myself.

I knew how someone could get inside…and grow. Oh, I knew.

But Mama…she didn't love anyone like that.


	2. Chapter 2

Finding My Thunder 2

Mama looked Italian with her dark coloring and Roman nose. Or Irish, or French, or like an Arab. She looked Jewish, for I had heard her called all of those things by the prayer ladies, or door-to-door salesmen, or even neighbors as they worked to explain her.

It was not her darkness that confounded them, not the outside dark anyway. That's what I knew.

She was from her own kind of mixed up place, white-trash mother ran off with first one low man then another. My great-grandmother finally rescued Mama and brought her to our house. And she inherited it…and the one in back that came with Naomi and her family.

Naomi and Grandma went way back. They'd had an understanding, is how Naomi put it. And here's the thing rubbed Daddy's brain into a boil, Grandma had it fixed so Naomi owned her house. Not the land it sat upon, that was still Mama's. But the house was hers. So she paid rent every month on the land. Well, it was six dollars and that drove Daddy crazy too, but it's all me and Mama had to live on sometimes.

All summer they fought and it was the same old songs crashing up against one another. His were like a rusty old barrel rolling down a hill crushing everything in its path, "Bitch, whore, crazy. I should a…I wished I'd never…."

Hers were like a hysteria rising, falling, never ending, "We're broke, you're drunk, worthless. You should a….I wished you'd never…."

And I went to church on Sundays with Naomi, and she read, "The tongue, who can tame it…it is a restless evil…it can bring the words of life…or be the harbinger of death…it is such a little thing…like the rudder of a ship…determining where the whole thing goes."

"Amen," the sisters said around me. "Mmmm-hmmm," they said.

And I picked at my nails and did not argue.

By the Fourth of July Mama was deep in the crazy. She was quiet for days, and he liked it that way, then he took off and we didn't see him much of the time cause there was no one to fight with.

So we were out of money again. We had taken back the soda bottles and rolled the pennies many times over. Naomi had given us nickels and dimes and her prayer ladies have given us quarters.

I wore my old jeans and one of Daddy's old shirts rolled up at the sleeves and I wore a bandana on my head and braided my long hair to keep it out of the way and after he left for work I walked to the shop.

His shop was located along a row of storefronts on Main Street. It sat next to an alley, and he drove down that to park in the back. His front door was propped open all summer long cause it was hot in there. I could hear the talk station he liked cause he always played the radio.

So I went in and that smell hit me, that iron and oil smell that hung on every piece of his clothing and everything he sat on or touched…that smell tamped into his skin.

The shop was one big, long, narrow room with a desk in front, and that piled, a filing cabinet beside it. He had a cork board on the wall and a hundred business cards tacked there and measurements on scraps of paper. Calendars were hung around, too, with slutty girls holding various tools they wrapped themselves around. Made me groan to look at them, so I didn't. Then on back were tables and tools and vices and his welder and a vat of some kind looked like he was working on, it was hard to tell for it meant nothing to me.

He come out of the back then where the toilet was and I was standing there. He held a folded newspaper and he smacked this against his empty palm and he come forward a bit, and he said, "What you doing here, Bella?" And it was strange to hear him use my name for he hardly ever did.

He wasn't one to wait for an answer I didn't have anyway, so he went to one of the tables and picked up his tools and got busy like I wasn't standing. So I grabbed a broom and started to sweep and it had been a while is what.

So he ignored me and I pretended to ignore him, and it took me most of the morning to get that floor some clean and to kill a dozen roaches long as my finger.

When I was done, he was banging away on something, about splitting my ears, and I looked at him several times to make sure I'd dropped out of his mind, and I went to the desk and looked back at him again for I was about to touch the sacred altar and I might lose a hand for it.

I was just reaching out when I felt a tap on my shoulder and I gasped and turned quick cause the guilt and the fear were that big.

It wasn't Daddy. It was Edward Cullen. Mary was no less surprised when the Angel Gabriel appeared to announce the pregnancy that changed everything.

My heart took off under the hand I'd splayed on my chest. I couldn't have my senses more assaulted. It wasn't possible. He stood there, a head taller, his black hair long, longer than I'd ever seen it, and long sideburns. His eyes, green in that tanned face. He had a thin moustache that met these carefully sculpted patches around his beautiful mouth. Rock and roll star. But muscular…I felt faint. Faint from his nearness. My shoulder where he'd tapped me, it throbbed. God, he was a man.

"Hey Bella," he said, like all those years of him ignoring me hadn't transpired. His eyes on me…it wasn't an easy thing. I tried to push it away so I wouldn't whimper or do something more embarrassing.

It was Daddy saved me. First time ever. He walked up wiping his hands on a rag. "Hey there," Daddy was saying with his fake company voice, all jovial like he knew Edward.

Edward turned from me and was shaking Daddy's extended hand. "Reporting for duty," Edward said and it was the longest handshake in the world.

"Yeah, Paul said you'd be by. Well, okay…you got to get a haircut…guess he told you that. I don't need that long hair getting caught in a machine."

"Okay…yes sir," Edward said.

"And clean shave. And…we'll get you lined out…I pay cash…four dollars an hour."

"Yeah, Paul said."

"That's good then. Yeah you can start in the morning. None of this late shit. You're late you're out."

"Seven Paul said?"

"That's right," Daddy said, less friendly now. "And you're starting at the bottom. I know you're used to being the big deal…but around here you will do the dirty stuff. It'll get you ready for the army," Daddy grinned.

No. No. Edward had to go to college. What about college? He couldn't hang around and work a job. That was the rumor with Tanya…that her dad would get him in the pipe fitters union. It was all set. And that would mean the army because he had a low number. I feared she was setting him up for Vietnam. But her dad was working on getting him in the reserves. That's what they said. And that was nearly impossible cause everyone who could had already filled the reserves to bursting, anything to delay going to Vietnam. So I was worried for him, even if he did belong to the prom queen.

Daddy was looking at Edward's feet. He wore those scuffed up boots. Daddy said they'd do and he would wear jeans, those jeans cause they looked on their last leg, Daddy said, and a shirt with long sleeves to keep the burn off his arms.

So Edward listened and they shook again and he looked from Daddy to me, and I know my eyes were burning into him cause I was worried about Vietnam and he looked like he wanted to say something but he nodded at me and out he went.

Daddy went back to work, not a word to me. And I hurried after Edward, but Daddy's other unfortunate employee, Riley, was coming in and I crashed into him and he put his hand out to steady me, the other hand holding his lunch and he laughed and said, "Damn girl," and he squeezed too hard cause he always let me know…and I pushed off of him and saw Edward further down the street already and I took off.

"Edward," I called, not believing I had a right. But he stopped and turned toward me. He had on a white T-shirt with a neck made a V. I stopped a few feet away. "I…," I was trying to catch my breath. "Why with Charlie? Do you know him?"

I didn't want to drive him away. Lord I didn't. But to allow him into the middle of my family's shame….

He shrugged. "I need a job."

"But…," I didn't have a right to speak about his life. "He can be…."

He grinned. "It's okay, Swan." He winked at me and laughed a little. Then he looked down to my shoes and he laughed again and shook his head. "You're all grown up, ain't you," he said.

And before I could answer he turned away and went down the street and I watched him…so many words following…his beauty pulling from me like the tail of a comet stretching between us.

"Edward," I whispered.


	3. Chapter 3

Finding My Thunder 3

Once I went back in the shop I knew I had to take a stand there. I had been at the mercy of…Charlie, and I would always call him that now, but I been at his mercy for too long. We couldn't all go down with this ship. I felt so mad and present I couldn't believe it. It was like I'd been asleep and suddenly I was jarred right out of my shoes.

I couldn't let Edward know how it was. Bad enough Riley did though he was out of high school long time ago, but he had a high draft number and seemed too old for me to even think about. It was creepy the way he tried to stand too close and I couldn't imagine what he'd want with me anyway. He was not bad to look at and got lots of older girls and believed in free love he'd told me, but he made me want to run cause he was way down a road I had never been on.

And he didn't work all the time and he didn't care so much about money cause he lived with a dozen people out in the country and it was a come and go and there was parties all the time so he worked out great here cause this was a going no where place for sure, but not a place for Edward, not nearly.

So I went back in the shop and Riley was sitting on a chair near the desk eating his lunch. It was a fried chicken dinner from Mac's down the street, sitting in a nest of aluminum foil. He balanced it on his knees and he smoked while he ate.

"Want some?" he asked licking his fingers.

"No thank-you," I said, but I had to admit it looked kind of good, but thinking of those roaches…no way I was eating in this place.

Then I walked to the desk, but Riley was closer than I liked and he was watching me. I didn't know where to start on Charlie's piles and I only picked up one piece of paper before Charlie was there.

"What do you think you are doing?" Charlie said.

"I'm organizing this. I got all that secretarial training at school," well typing and shorthand and that had nothing to do with this, but he didn't need all the details, "and if I don't get me some experience somewhere I'll never get a job come graduation," cause he already told me to not even think he was paying for college and I had wondered that he thought I expected blood from a turnip.

"I don't need you around here crawling up my ass like her," he said pushing me away from the desk.

"I'm not here for her. I'm here for you."

Well, that did throw him some. He'd never thought of me for him, I could see that. Well, I never had been. How could I choose? I was too busy taking care of Mama, and truth to tell I wouldn't have chosen either one of them if given a vote. But I was here for one thing all of a sudden…me. How could I help Edward if I couldn't help me? And if Daddy was the means to helping myself, finally, then I said to myself he can put his old ass up close and I'll kiss it.

"Let me straighten this. I promise I won't throw anything away," I said sounding different even to me. I had not looked at Charlie like this, up close…not ever.

"Let her do it, Charlie," Riley said wiping his hands. "She can't make it worse than it is."

"Shut your mouth," Charlie told Riley. "Get done with that mess and see if you can't get some work done sometime today. I got me that boy comin' in and we're gonna see how it is now. He's gonna put your ass to shame, that's what."

And so Charlie went back to what he was doing and Riley winked at me and pitched his trash in the disgusting trash can and he followed Daddy to the back.

I couldn't believe it. Why didn't I stand up for myself before? If Edward wouldn't have come in here…I'd be walking home in defeat about now. But Riley…even he took the heat for me. If he could do it…stand up to Charlie Swan…why had I waited so long?

I was smiling as I picked up the first pile. I had underestimated myself. Worse yet, I had not even considered myself at all.

So, all that long, hot afternoon I worked and I tried to get my mind around the change. Here I was, just that morning a hopeless girl, nothing much going on, treading water, just that, and now I'd gone up against the man and I had a job…and I had spoken to Edward. He had come into my life again. Of course, it didn't mean anything…I couldn't afford to get my hopes up about things…but it was something and I wasn't going to pretend it wasn't.

I was so busy going over the piles that around four o'clock I nearly jumped out of my skin when someone tapped my shoulder again, but it was Riley.

"Bella?" he asked.

"Yeah?" I could feel the sweat rolling down my back.

"Um…I'm fixing to leave. Let me give you a ride." He motioned to the back of the shop and a couple of Charlie's cronies had assembled for their nightly love-in with those long-neck bottles. Charlie had been sipping one beer after another since morning but it was official beer sipping time now.

"Oh…no, I'm walking."

"Come on, girl. I drive fine." Well, his eyes were all over me like usual and me looking filthy in my baggy shirt and smelling like the iron now.

"No thanks," I said pretending like I was reading something pretty damn fascinating.

"You're a funny girl," he said. "Why don't you come over tonight and smoke some reefer with us? It'll be all mellow and we'll be hanging out."

This was never going to happen in a million years. Didn't he know I was just a kid?

"Oh…no thanks."

He wiped over his face with a big handkerchief. "Okay. Well, you ever want to hang around with someone like me you let me know." He put a cigarette in his mouth and lit it kind of smooth like he was used to smoking things. He was cute, but so old…almost twenty-five about. I wasn't going to hang around an old man. He looked a little like Steve McQueen though. Not as good, but not bad either. He made me feel weird, repelled and drawn in the same stroke. I knew he was a sink hole, and I wasn't going down it, but it wasn't so bad him noticing me. Boys at school didn't so much. Not that I wanted that. They repelled me. I don't know why. I wondered if something was wrong with me.

Well…guess my mind had been on Edward…and maybe that was the problem. But Edward had the prom queen and I couldn't forget that even as I was dying with excitement to suddenly have him in my life again.

"Ever I need someone like you…I'll let you know…," I said trying to laugh and be carefree which sounded embarrassing because I wasn't used to such a thing.

So after he left I took off for home. I left everything careful where I could pick it up next morning because I planned on coming back. My mind was already spinning from what I'd found so far. Charlie had bills due he hadn't even opened, just like at home, and receipts for things and jobs he'd done scribbled on little pieces of paper and I had no way of knowing yet if he'd billed those jobs or even been paid.

So I had plenty to think about on the walk home, that's for sure. I waited until I was off Main to light a smoke. It felt so good to draw it in and it was my damn last. I had to dole them out cause I was so broke. Well broke was a way of life for us but I was going to do something about that now.

The closer to home I got the more my thoughts shifted to worry for Mama. She had been alone all day, even longer than when I went to school and it was always a crap shoot coming home. I finished my cigarette and got closer and my sooner was there waiting and I patted her on the head and ran up the stairs to find her something to eat. Mama scared me sitting in the living room, just sitting in a chair, her hair undone wild, but she was dressed in a sleeveless shirt buttoned wrong and a skirt. "Hey Mama."

She looked at me but she did not speak. I hurried to the Coldspot and got a wedge of baloney and took that out to Sooner. Then I went back inside.

"You bring us something?" she said like I was Mother Goose and I could just pick and gather all the way home.

"Not yet…but you won't believe. I been at Charlie's shop all day."

"Charlie?" she said. "He ain't no good."

"I been helping him and…well maybe I can do something…something good for us."

Her eyes were dull and she didn't look happy at all. She picked on the arm of the chair and it so threadbare she was pulling at the cotton.

"What about me?" she said. "I got to be all alone. But it don't matter. None of it…."

"Well, you got your stories on," I said. "Did you watch today?"

Her bottom lip jutted out and the skin was dry. She shook her head no and she wouldn't look at me. "I don't want to turn it on…they gonna shoot us in our beds…the Negroes. They gonna rise up all over sounds like. I…I heard him…that one I saved…that dark one. But…she tells 'em they gonna come for me." And her hand went to her breast, always there and she rubbed.

Not today and not now. "Mama please," I said.

"Jacob…Jacob Blue," she said.

"What you saying?"

"The Cannas…every year he would put them in so fine….those Cannas…when they come up…."

"Mama…I'm gonna…I'll be back and make you some soup." I went in Charlie's room. It was dark and had that smell, but I went to his chest of drawers and pulled the last one wide and moved the papers, his marriage license and the papers from the army. What a solid member of the establishment Charlie was. How President Johnson would love him.

There was a carton of Pall Mall's and they were harsh, but they were better than nothing and I stole a pack and put them under my shirt. Then I reached in the back corner and grabbed those two silver dollars from 1921. That would get us food for tomorrow. When I came out I walked quick past Mama and went to the backyard.

"He'll kill you he sees you in there!" she yelled. "He'll kill you like the Negroes! Like the Communists!" she yelled. "You goin' with him now. You'll get yours. You'll see."

It was relief to get outside. "Crazy," I whispered fumbling to get the pack open.

Naomi wouldn't be home yet cause this was calling night, so I sat on the back porch steps and leaned on the backdoor so Mama couldn't sneak up on me. I lit up one of those lung shrivelers and took a deep draught and I was hooked on nicotine for sure, cause it tasted pretty much like shit but it was relief. I noticed that circular garden then, the one gone to ruin in the middle of the yard, halfway between our house and Naomi's.

Jacob Blue used to put the Canna's in there, that's what I knew, Naomi said it when she talked about him in short sentences, broken off like dreams gone you're trying to call back and put together.

And I could see him there…I tried to. First time I brought him out of that picture frame Naomi kept over the fireplace, him grinning, holding a stringer of fish, young and handsome, shirt off, jeans hanging around his hips, standing straight, eyes alive…he'd live forever. He'd live….

He died in Memphis, in the street run over and they got the call…and William, Naomi's husband died soon after…his heart…his breath…he died in his chair.

And I saw him there, that Jacob, six foot two and the sun coming out of his smile…and the garden was empty, just debris, just empty and his hands…and his hope…and in the earth the bulbs gone dry…gone.

And I thought of Edward…and the escalation of troops in Vietnam. 525,000 human beings they wanted in the next two years. They wanted Edward to step into the great long line…that big green machine for the red, white and blue.

And the death toll running up like a wheel spinning, climbing. 17,000 Americans…dead…like Jacob…all the young men…and all the fathers broken…and all the mothers carrying on with sad, sad eyes.

And one hundred cities with black folks protesting for civil rights…in the street…cutting into Mama's stories…and her own sins…whatever they were…screaming in her soul.

And I set that tip aglow as I sucked down that smoke and blew it back and the breeze took it, and I thought of all of it passing like grass in the oven so quick…so quick…and leaving it's mark upon the hearts…upon the lives of those who waited for news.

Then I thought of Charlie saying that to Edward, "…until the army gets you." He'd been in himself but he wasn't going to help. He'd made it home after World War II. A miracle, he said. They'd put him in the hospital for nearly a year, longer, before they shipped him home. And she never went to see him, never did.

But what I knew now that I'd woken up, what I knew as I stood and put out that smoke, as I gasped and put my hand over my mouth…it was coming together if I'd listen…a story…all of them walking toward one another…in me.

Mama…I wasn't crazy and I wouldn't let crazy in. Naomi…hard to look in her eyes. Jacob…traveling the gray between two houses. Charlie…I'd stood up to him. Riley…waking up the girl in me. Edward…blind to what was meant. And me…blind to myself…until now.

This was my Vietnam. They were the frontline for my Civil Rights. And I was demanding. They just didn't know it yet. They didn't know me. I'd only met her myself.


	4. Chapter 4

Finding My Thunder 4

After my time smoking in the backyard I fixed Mama some tomato soup and a cheese sandwich. Naomi hadn't come home which meant she was at a sick bed somewhere in Snyder Town where her flock resided.

So when Mama was quiet in her room I escaped to mine and played my records. I could do this for hours. I listened to the beautiful voices of Richie Havens and Etta James and Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison. And I floated to the ceiling and out the window and I soared in the summer night sky and reached my hand to the lightening bugs and watched the stars spin psychedelic patterns all over heaven. My drug was hope and it was the newest most powerful drug in the world. That and Pall Malls.

I was suspended, lying in my room on my floor, my black light on, my poster of the big neon peace sign lit in the dark, and I was mesmerized.

I almost didn't hear the gravel on my window…if that's what it was. But I was soon there unhooking the screen, pushing it out and looking down and for the second time that day…there he was. "Edward," I said softly.

He was looking up at me, still the white T-shirt, the jeans, the boots. "Hey…cut my hair," he said.

I did not want him to wake Mama. I did not want that. But it was hard to think with this big thing happening in me. "Stay there," I said.

I made a circle on the carpet like Sooner would. Then I found my scissors and I started to go downstairs, then I remembered me. I wore a yellow T-shirt with a smiley face on it, and my cut off shorts. Dressed naked, Naomi would call it. But I didn't care now. I was small up top and my hair covered it, I didn't need a bra. Not so much and it was dark. My feet were bare, and I was quiet on the stairs and I slipped out the door and he was there now, on the porch and he was petting Sooner, but he stood straight when he saw me, and I felt like he did see me, even in the dark he looked, and he was quiet, and his dark eyes ink, and his face shaved clean like Daddy said.

"I…don't know what I'm doing," I said.

"That's makes two of us," he said.

"Oh. Okay. Sit on the porch stairs I guess."

"Where'd you get this old dog? She's gonna have pups."

"No she isn't."

"Then she ate a bag of rocks. And they're moving."

Was I blind? I bent over with him and we felt Sooner all over and she was waiting for us to quit groping and start scratching, but I had scissors in my hand, and pretty soon not even the thought of pups I didn't want or need could block out the closeness of Edward and I had to straighten up and step away and him too and his eyes went right there and I guess my hair wasn't as much of a covering as I thought.

I wanted to die. I wasn't trying to do something, so I folded my arms over the points, I did that at least. He just kept staring at me. "What are you doing?" I said, not about the staring…but about everything.

"I need a haircut."

"Are you high or something?"

He burped quietly. "No. Just had a few beers."

Then I noticed he didn't have a vehicle. "Did you walk here?"

He burped again. "Yeah. Not like it's far. Well, I was in a car…but I got out."

"Where's James?" That was his ride.

"You don't know?" he said.

I shook my head.

"The boy's farm," he said.

The boy's farm was over a hundred miles away. It was like a reform school, only on a farm, of course. I didn't ask what James did to get there. I could figure it out. But this was one reason why Edward might be coming around.

"How long?" I said.

"January."

He looked at me and motioned to the stairs, then he shuffled there and sat in the middle, and I sat behind, careful to keep my legs together and off to the side. Even this near I was almost frozen. My heart was pounding so loud, and he sat there waiting for me to touch him. "We could do this in your room where there's some light," he said, and I stared at the back of his thick glossy hair, and I was about to faint from this whole thing.

"I can see," I said, but I was panting so I had to catch myself. Did he really think I could casually sneak him upstairs? Didn't he know I would die?

"You've got a lot of hair," I said, and my voice trembled a little and I was so glad he was turned away.

"Might as well get used to getting it cut. I go in the army they'll shave me bald." He stretched his legs out then, groaning like an old man.

"You have to hold still," I said.

"Well do something," he said.

So I put my hand up there and took hold of some and held it straight up and it felt so soft and thick and I let it go but I didn't mean to so I had to get another hold and my heart was flopping like a seal on a griddle. I mean I could not breathe.

"Just do it, Swan," he said.

So I made my first cut, but I barely took it off.

"I go in the army they'll buzz it off," he said.

"What are you thinking?" I said. "You can't go to Vietnam. You have to go to college. You had a scholarship is what I heard."

"I've had enough of school," he said.

"You can't work for Charlie. They'll pick you off quick. Surely you don't believe in this war." Now I had no trouble facing him for I was desperate to say this. I moved around him enough that when he turned we were up close.

He was more beautiful than anyone had a right to be. No wonder I lived in a perpetual state of heartache for these long years. All at once my concern for him doubled. "You are not going to Vietnam," I said.

Well he looked at me.

"What do you care?" he said.

I was shaking my head and taking refuge behind him once again. "Johnson plans a big push in the next two years. They're going to draft everyone they can get their hands on. We don't belong in that war. They don't want us over there. We aren't going to be able to do any good. The North Vietnamese can disappear over the border anytime they want. Our soldiers are picked off or blown up and they can't see what's coming. They are shooting villagers…children, too. Someone might cut your hair in the morning and slit your throat before supper. It's horrible over there. And even if you come back you'll be ruined…crazy like Charlie was…well is. You'll see."

My hand was on his shoulder now. I was gripping hard. "You can't go," I said. "You have to get into college. It can't be anywhere as bad as Vietnam."

He turned toward me now, his hand on his knee. "Swan…you're not natural."

"What's that mean? Just because I don't want you to go to Vietnam?"

"You sound more like some kid in college than a sophomore in high school."

"I'll be a junior," I reminded him case he forgot since he hadn't been looking.

"Same difference."

"Not really," I mumbled. So we stared at one another for a bit.

"You're a really pretty girl," he said. "Hard to believe you were such a little monkey."

He turned back again. "You gonna cut this or what?"

I swallowed a good sized lump of emotion. He had me stirred.

So I pulled up another clump and I cut it a little deeper this time. But I didn't want to throw that hair away so I laid it by me on the stair. And when I couldn't cut anymore in back out of fear of butchering him too badly, I had to move around him on the stairs, on my knees or bent over, I was crawling all around him before I was done, his eyes on me, and I was trying to get the hair in front even and I'd been working on it, and studying it and trying not to get lost just being by him and having permission to look and touch some, when it dawned on me he was looking straight down my shirt and me with no bra, and him sitting so still all that time getting a peep show, and I gasped and stood straight and held the scissors against my chest. "You big pervert," I said, truly feeling violated.

He laughed, then fell back on the stairs laughing some more, the heels of his hands digging in his eyes for a minute, "Swan…I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…but there they were…but it's dark I didn't see anything…but yeah, I tried a little, but you've got all that long hair."

I hit him on the shoulder, first one way then another. And I meant it, but I was smiling a little, but mortified too.

"You promise? You promise you didn't see?"

He rolled on his side, away from me, laughing all goofy, but too goofy, like excited and silly or something. Then he sat back up in a minute and was giving me this smile that was making me so self-conscious I could melt and run to the gutter, but it was so cute, and horrible. "I didn't see nothin'," he said. "I didn't. So don't you sic Miss Blue on me." He was laughing again. "Her little baby…that woman is scary."

He didn't know a scary woman, is what I thought. But my mama….

"Well I ain't her little baby so don't worry," I said needing to move away from this embarrassing notion. "I'm done," I sighed cause I couldn't act casual and it was too dark to do it right. "I hope I didn't butcher it too bad…but you deserve it."

He took my hand. "Oh come on little Swan, I didn't mean it."

"You didn't mean it? That don't make sense."

He kept my hand and held it against his chest. He was grinning. "Hey…if you want to show them to me though…maybe I will go to college."

I pulled my hand away and smacked him and he fell back laughing again.

"It's not a joke," I said.

He tried to sober up then. "I know," he said, "I know you're a good girl, I'm just having some fun."

"No…I mean about the war Edward. It's not a joke to think you're setting yourself up to get drafted. What does Tanya say?"

It's like I knocked all the joy out of him. But she was the one he was slated to marry. Marry. They got engaged the summer of junior year.

He had his elbows on his knees. I could see unevenness in the haircut, but with the hair off his face again his handsomeness was stronger than anything I could do to him.

He was pursing his lips, looking at me, then looking away. "She don't say anything now. We broke up."

I plopped beside him on the stair.

"Yeah," he said studying his boots.

"So…the reserves?" I asked, for the plan was her daddy was trying to get Edward in the reserves.

"Last I heard her old man hopes they send me to Nam…like straight up…no boot camp even." He looked at me and broke out laughing again, but when I didn't join in he stopped and sighed and ran his hand through his short hair, feeling around then and whispering, "Shit."

"I'll fix it tomorrow at work," I said confidently.

"Better save some of that," he said reaching over me and pointing to the pile of his hair on the steps, "we might need it."

I fluffed it into a pile and kept running my hand through it. And I thought of the clubhouse…that summer in the woods behind our house…him and James…and me taking him the little cake I'd made for his birthday…and walking it back there with care and him not there…but James…and James knocking that cake into the dirt and pulling me inside and smashing down on me and how I couldn't breathe…and Edward coming in and the way they fought, and me against the wall and trying to stay out of the way and getting out when he told me to run, but staying there and seeing it fall in from all the crashing and thrashing around they were doing. And me running home and Edward coming after, his forehead bleeding, his knuckles scraped and telling me to leave them alone and to stay away and not to come around ever again, and making me promise not to tell, making me promise. And me telling Edward I hated him…hated James. And how I ran home and I held it. Like Mama taught me. Kept it in.

And then the long years of nothing. The nothing. Until today.

I loved him. I always had. It had started when I was young and it had been on pause ready to move forward with the littlest encouragement and as my hand closed against a fistful of his soft hair, I knew I'd never stop loving him.


	5. Chapter 5

Finding My Thunder 5

It was midnight when Edward left my house with his head of chopped black hair. But somehow his appeal had grown. Throughout high school being an athlete kept him in short hair. I guessed he'd had enough of that and had let it grow after graduation. But this cut I gave him was in between. This was more like the Beatle's, shaped to his head with heavy bangs. And it wasn't just the hair that had changed. He didn't look like his old scowling self. He was smiling. For someone who just broke up with his girl and sent his brother off to juvie, he seemed kind of happy.

So I watched him walk away and he turned and said in a loud whispery voice, "Thanks for the show…I mean haircut…Swan."

And I pretended to be mad, but in my hand I clutched that hair and I smiled into the night. In my room I went to sleep listening to Sandy Denny. She sang about time…who knows where it goes. I remembered the boy, sweaty and brown, shirt in his back pocket leading me through the woods behind our houses, holding a limb to let me through, telling me to watch it, taking my hand sometimes. And tonight, my hand in his hair, on his shoulder, once again finding its way into his…all that time…all that time gone but he was here now.

Charlie did not come home that night. Those nights were always gifts. Him gone meant no fighting. Him gone meant that once Mama got settled I could move and breathe.

So I walked to the shop in the morning but I wasn't far when Edward pulled alongside driving James' purple car. "Get in Swan," he said, his eyes on my jeans. His hair combed decent, like a punk so Charlie would think it was shorter than it was.

I hadn't used my voice yet that morning. Mama had been asleep when I left. So I went around that car, that streak of purple always stabbed at me as it carried Edward away, but now I was sitting where he always sat while James drove.

It felt odd to be in here. I never imagined I would be. James was picky about this car…and I didn't go near him…or ever in a close space like this where he was.

"You look like Elvis," I said.

Edward laughed at that. "I had to even it some and use some of Paul's shit to keep it out of my face. Hell if I know," he said pulling down the street. His eyes looked heavy from sleep. "He don't come around much does he." He meant Charlie not coming home.

"You better hope not showing up late for a haircut."

He laughed again. "Yeah he'd kick my ass. They say he's a mean old bugger."

I didn't offer anything. I couldn't start.

"Hey," he said, knuckles lightly touching my chin.

I looked at him. "What?"

He pulled the bandana off my hair and held it in his hand, then he tucked it in the open v of his shirt and I had to reach in there and take it back. We were laughing and I was tying it over my hair again when he pulled into Mac's. He had it in park before I was done tying the knot.

"You drink coffee?"

"Um…sure," I didn't, but I was about to start.

"You want an egg sandwich?" He got out.

Well, I was starving. "I don't have any money."

"Swan," he said, standing outside, bent toward me, arm on the top of the door.

"Okay…but soon as I get money I'll pay you back."

He laughed and shook his head while he slammed the door. I watched him walk in and I whispered, "God," and my hand was over my mouth cause here I sat in the purple car, me, not Tanya, and I was waiting on Edward to buy me food and I was an asshole who didn't know what to say or how to be cool.

Pretty soon he was back out carrying a grease stained paper-bag under his arm and two paper-cups of coffee in his hands. I got out and walked to him and took my coffee.

"I put lots of cream and sugar in so you can get it down," he said smirking at me.

"I drink coffee," I lied again.

"Sure you do little Miss Blue baby," he said, another laugh.

I wasn't quite laughing with him but I liked the challenge. We got back in the car and he decided we'd eat there cause he handed me my sandwich wrapped in wax paper, and he took out his own. "We got five minutes," he said, "cause Mac moves like a damn turtle." He took a huge bite and his jaw bulged as he chewed but he was smiling at me with his buttery lips.

Lord. I took off the top bread to take a look then slapped it back on and also took a bite.

"So you change the world since I saw you last night?" he asked looking away out his window, his jaw working. I liked the way his hair ducktailed in the back and I felt pretty proud of myself.

And I had changed the world last night. Well he had changed my world. But I'd had a good day yesterday with the hope moving in.

"You think about what I said? About Vietnam?"

He smirked at me and took another bite. "You think I don't know I'll get drafted? You think I'm happy about it? Don't answer that just eat. We got two minutes."

I took another huge bite and he laughed. I was mimicking him, chewing like a beaver and making noise.

"Let's not be disgusting," he said. "Miss Blue won't let you come around me then."

"Why you keep talking about her?"

He shrugged and ate the last. "Don't know. It's just funny."

"What's funny about it?"

"You gonna finish that?" I was holding the last of it. I shook my head and he took it and wadded the bread and shoved it in. When he'd swallowed it he said, "You live in my house it's dog eat dog."

"Stay away from my Sooner then," I said and he laughed.

"You gonna have some dog meat real soon when those ten pups come."

I groaned. "Do not tell Charlie about that. He don't even know I got that dog."

"Why ain't he ever around? He take care of you all?"

He slipped that last one in and I wasn't ready to answer. We were careful about our business. I realized folks knew stuff cause Mama and Daddy fought loud, but I didn't want to hear it and with Edward working close to Charlie…it was best I just kept it.

"You gonna drink that?" he said pointing at the coffee sitting on the dash. I shook my head and he took it cause his was already gone and he drank it half down and started the car. "James don't allow food in here," he said looking at me and smiling.

He didn't allow me in here either and we both knew it.

Hendrix poured from the radio for the half block to the shop. I told Edward to pull down the alley next to the shop and he did and Charlie's faded red truck was there and Riley's beat up white one. So Edward pulled in and we got out. I held our trash cause I didn't want to leave it in there where it might accumulate. I did not want to bring the wrath of James on anyone, even though I knew Edward could handle him.

A big cement ramp led to the shop's garage door. It was open. A big red rat ran across the ramp around ten feet in front of us. He was huge as a cat and I screamed and ran behind Edward, then I couldn't keep my feet still and I was like running in place and I took off across the yard and down the alley and ran around to the front door and sat on the stoop and was breathing hard.

I had heard Edward laughing behind me as I ran and now all of them laughing back in the shop. So I collected myself and stood and went in, still holding that trash. I went to the smelly can and put the trash in there, but I knew I couldn't leave that thing full and sickening cause we had us a real critter problem.

I looked back there then and Riley lifted his hand in a wave and I waved back. Even Charlie had a grin. "What you doing here again?" he asked and I felt ashamed in front of everyone.

"I told you I'm going to organize this," I said.

"Who is watching your Ma?" he said.

And I said, "She's fine. I'll call her and check. I don't even do that when I'm at school."

Riley was busy, but Edward didn't know what to do unless Charlie showed him, and he was listening and staring at me and I felt like a fool, but he'd see it now cause I wasn't leaving and he was in our mess. I thought of black folks facing fire hoses and boys being bused onto army bases, and I tried to stand my ground. Doctor King said it was immoral to receive the mistreatment of the oppressor. Naomi said the oppressor sought to degrade others but he first degraded himself. I bit my lip and turned away and continued to sort the piles.

By lunch time I was developing a system. I didn't have to worry about Charlie making me a fool, he'd done worse to Edward a couple of times so we were equally made to feel stupid.

I figured Edward would be ready to quit, but it didn't seem to phase him as he'd been by the desk a couple of times, once to pull off my bandana, another time to say that rat ran under my desk. He did this when Charlie was out back and both times he was still smiling.

Then I remembered how the coaches would scream at him in the games and I knew his step-dad Paul wasn't soft either, not in the stands he wasn't.

So I tried not to feel the burning on the side of my face, the one facing the shop. I didn't know if he looked at me, but I looked at him when I could.

Riley was more forth coming. He wanted to get my lunch.

"It's okay," I said.

Edward stood there wiping his hands on a rag. When Riley went out he said, "Guess you look hungry."

I smiled. He went to his car and came back rattling a bag. He sat on a chair nearby and pulled out two sandwiches. "Hey, you want one?"

I shook my head. "You'll just take it back," I said and we laughed.

Charlie was gone looking at a job. "He drinks all day," Edward laughed.

"I know it," I said. Now Edward did.

"He sleeps here," he said.

"I wondered." Well, I thought he was at Loreena's. Who would want to sleep here? Yet he preferred this to coming home.

"On cardboard in the back."

"Gross."

He shrugged and laughed and chewed. "Come on and take a bite." He rolled his chair closer and held his sandwich in front of my mouth. "It's Spam," he sang.

I pushed his hand back and looked at it. "There ain't no animal called Spam," I whispered.

"Go on," he said, his eyes on my lips. We could hear Daddy pull up in back and Edward's eyes shot there then back to me. "Hurry up."

I took a nibble just to make him happy, and it seemed to. He rolled back to where he was then and took a bite over mine. He smiled big while he chewed.

"How come you seem so happy?" I whispered.

He shrugged and went on eating his gross Spam. "Why not?"

Daddy came in then. First thing he noticed was they'd changed his radio. He stalked over there and set it back. Then he came forward holding a stack of mail. He walked between our two chairs and threw this on the desk messing up one of my piles. "You keep your damn hands off my radio," he said to Edward.

"Wasn't me," Edward said eating, but it was him and Daddy knew.

"Riley knows better," Daddy said.

"Yeah sorry," Edward said and he winked at me.

"Get that ate and get back to work." Daddy said, then he went out the front door. He ate at Kenny's bar down the street most times but more likely he drank his lunch.

I started to sort through the mail and Edward finished and got up and pretty soon I heard the radio back on rock and roll. I looked over my shoulder at him and he stared back and grinned.

"Shit will fly," I said. "I mean it."

"Let it fly," he said, and he put on the goggles and turned on the buffer. The radio was loud playing Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and Edward's voice chimed in with John, George and Paul and maybe Ringo.

Much as I feared for him I had to smile. I didn't want him to get fired but it was kind of inspiring.


	6. Chapter 6

Finding My Thunder 6

When Charlie came in after lunch the Stones were singing out Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown. Kind of fitting, cause I was about to chew my bottom lip off, but I kept pretending I was paying attention to what I was doing. I'd tallied all the bills Charlie owed and I was going over and over that balance because I surely had it wrong.

Charlie walked all righteous to that radio and shut it off. "What did I tell you?" he yelled at Edward.

I was glad that Riley walked in then, toothpick in his mouth. He saw Charlie standing there glaring at Edward. He looked at me and smiled like, what the hell is this?

Edward kept running the buffer like he didn't hear Charlie and even when he pulled it off the tank he was polishing he kept it running while he stared at Charlie.

"You on something boy?" Charlie yelled. He marched to the plug in and yanked the cord out of the wall. That machine died and it was quiet.

"You messin' with me, boy or you just daft?"

"Daft? Edward repeated, looking at Charlie like he should explain it.

Charlie had his hands on his hips, "You touch my radio one more time I will break your hand," he said.

I put my hand over my mouth.

"Holy shit, Charlie," Riley said pushing off of the doorway and walking toward them.

Charlie pointed at Riley. "You stay out of this shit brain," he said.

"It's just a damn radio," Riley said.

"You want to shut your mouth?" Charlie said. Then he pointed to me, "I blame you. I didn't have no problems 'til you came in here. This ain't no place for a girl. You get your stuff together and get home."

I stood up quick. "Um Charlie…could you come here for a minute?"

He mimicked me as he stalked to the desk where I stood. I knew this wasn't a good time, but I had to pull his evil mouth off of Edward.

"I've had nothing but trouble since you come in here. So you just pack up your shit and get the hell out and you stay home with your crazy Mama and that crazy one lives behind and don't you come back." I knew he was glad to turn it on to me…I knew he thought me weaker.

So I took in a shaky breath and let it out. Edward had laid that buffer down but I turned my back so he wouldn't think this had a thing to do with him. I picked up the paper I'd been messing with, those figures I'd gone over and over. "Charlie I added up what you owe." I handed him the paper. He glared around at everything and I pointed where he should look. I pointed to the total. Thirty-two thousand dollars.

"What the hell you think you're doin'?" he said swallowing hard, glaring at me. "What the hell you doin' gettin' in my business? You don't stick your nose in my business. Who the hell you think you are you little bitch? Nobody told you to do this. What you gonna do with this? This is for her…and that colored. You're spyin' on me. You get the hell out of here. You get out." He waved that paper around, that big vein throbbing in his forehead.

My heart was racing. I put a hand on the desk to keep the room from tilting. "I also figured what you're owed…but you don't bill like you need to. I think you're doing work you ain't getting paid for. You don't have a healthy cash flow…money in…money out. I figure there's at least twelve thousand you're getting stiffed for right now. You got the invoices written out but I don't see where the money came in."

He glared at me for another thirty, forty seconds, then he slapped that paper on his leg, yelled beyond me for Edward and Riley to get back to work he wasn't paying them to stand around. Then he said, "Oh, you gonna use that on me? You think you can?"

I turned to see Edward laying a pipe back on the table. "That's just your guilty conscience," Edward said.

Charlie went to him quick. "You better believe if it wasn't for Paul you'd been out of here the minute you touched my radio. You ever think you are man enough to use something like that on me you come on then."

They were staring off, and Riley said, "Boss, calm down. He's a good kid. He didn't know what he was seeing. Calm down, man."

"You ever…ever pull a weapon on me…better have the guts to use it," Daddy said up close to Edward's face.

"Yes sir," Edward said. He looked away then and picked up the buffer and got back to work. Charlie stood for another minute glaring at him.

Riley kept watching them while he worked until Charlie turned away and stalked back to me. My legs were shaking so I eased back to the chair.

I did what I was supreme at, talking normal when one of my parents was acting like a maniac, "I got what you're owed from purchase orders you had on the desk here. But if you don't get an order and you don't remember what you did then comes time to bill you might forget something. If someone comes in here wanting you to fix something…like a chair…or something on their truck…you have to write out a purchase order."

"I ain't got time to do that."

"Then you lose your time. Time is money. So then you lose your money," I said, just the way they taught me at school. I remembered liking the order of accounting, the way it worked.

"I got purchase orders somewhere," he said and I felt the first ray of hope. "I know how to run a business," he said, "but I got to do everything myself."

"Yes sir. That must be really hard," I said, and he looked at me briefly…suspicious.

"What your Mama and that one behind never understood is the load I got to carry…dragging you all along with me…and all I hear is the bitchin' and complainin'."

I had such a desire to pick up one of the binders off his desk and smash him in the face I had to tuck my hands under my thighs. "That…must be really hard. See…I never knew that. But…I want to help. I…don't want to be like…Mama. I want to help you."

"I don't need your help," he said. "This ain't no place for a girl. You're causing me all kinds of trouble already. I ain't got time for this."

"I'm just here to help. I'll keep it really nice here and keep it all in order."

"And you'll go home and tell them all my business."

"No sir. I don't talk to them much. I won't tell them nothing."

"I can't keep these bucks in line with you here," he said.

"I don't care about them."

"That's not it. They're showin' off cause of you."

"That will stop. I promise. Let me do this. You're the only sane parent I got. I don't want to spend my summer with Mama again when I could be a help to you."

He didn't care about that. Everything I was saying was a lie and I hated his guts and I had to create a new me to get around him but he was a lion and I was throwing him every kind of meat I could get my hands on.

"I can't babysit you," he said.

"I ain't asking for it. I'll get your phone."

"I don't answer it. They all want money."

"I'll take care of it. We don't want to miss calls for jobs. See you got to answer it."

"You just take a message, you don't ever tell them I'm here."

"Yes sir. And if it's for a job you can call back, see?"

He laughed, and I don't think I'd ever been the source of so much as a smile from him before. "You ain't tellin' me nothin'. What do you think I've been doin' all this time? You come once a week maybe."

"No. Everyday. Please. I'll bring my books and I'll read. I won't bother you. I'll keep up with things…do whatever you say. I won't be no trouble. Please."

I had never spoken this way to him. I could feel Edward's eyes on me, but with that buffer going he couldn't hear me at least.

Charlie paced around and lit a cigarette. He was staring out the window puffing on that smoke. "All my life I been alone," he said.

I managed not to guffaw, but I found such a personal statement kind of riveting.

"Your mama crawling up my ass…that one in back…those eyes…like a dumb beast staring at me. Judging me like…what a damn thing to have to live with."

I tried to let all the crap coming out of his mouth go by and I waited for that yes.

"You can come in…but when I say to hit the road you get out and don't you bother me or nag at me."

"Yes sir."

"And you don't be bothering these boys."

"Yes sir."

"We'll try it. And I don't want no whining."

"Yes sir."

"Shit," he said and he dropped his smoke and ground it under his boot, and I had my back to him and I smiled and as he walked away, all the way to the door and he went outside and I looked at Edward and he was looking back and after a few seconds he smiled at me and he winked…and I smiled too.


	7. Chapter 7

Finding My Thunder 7

Maybe there was something to Charlie calling them the young bucks or something cause they were both after me to ride me home, first Riley as I came out the front door and his truck was cutting across the sidewalk next to the building, him coming from the alley. I said, "No thanks, I need the walk."

Then Edward once I started to walk. He stopped the purple car in the street, pulled beside me against the curb pointed the wrong way and him not caring I guessed. "C'mon, Swan," he said.

"I better not," I said and I was feeling a little frustrated. Or pissed. Definitely some pissed. But what I meant was we needed to stay clear so Charlie wouldn't see and think we were plotting. Or they were showing off for me like he accused.

"Charlie's coming by any minute to get more beer so you need to go on," I said to Edward. Charlie had hit the beer really hard after all that went on that afternoon, mostly because of that total I showed him. I didn't think he'd ever added it up before, well I knew he didn't, just lived day to day not facing anything real.

"I don't care about that," Edward said.

I stopped and glanced at the shop. "Well I do. You shouldn't of touched his radio. He might of…."

He laughed like a smart ass. "He ain't gonna do nothing…but bitch."

"Don't defy him like that."

"Just get in," he said.

"No. He can't see us."

"What'd he say about me? I ain't good enough?"

I was shaking my head. Was he crazy? "Good enough for what? He hired you, didn't he?"

"He hired me cause he owes Paul money. This is a punishment for me. I'm being punished. Paul got me this job."

This hurt me for some reason. What did I think, he came here for me? What did I expect.

"Bella? Are you gettin' in?"

I shook my head and took off walking.

I was worn out. Up and down and sick of it. I walked quick but Edward pulled along beside me. "Just go," I said waving my hand and picking up the pace until I was practically jogging. I cared too much about him. I would always be hurt around him and I didn't need more hurt.

Bixby, our local Barny Fife passed going in the other direction. He blared the siren at Edward. That meant Edward needed to correct himself and get out of the on-coming lane, not that there were many cars using Main Street around here but it was Bixby's job to uphold the law.

"Alright," Edward yelled and he took off then.

I slowed down and went back to walking. Charlie hadn't come out of the shop yet. I went in the corner market to buy something for supper. I had the two silver dollars I'd stolen from Charlie's room. I'd been too embarrassed to give them to Edward that morning when he'd bought me breakfast. And I had another two dollars I'd found in a cup on top of Charlie's old refrigerator at the shop. I'd stold that too. And I planned to steal more. Much, much more.

After I'd bought a couple cans of dogfood, a pack of sliced American cheese and a loaf of bread, I tried to turn over in my mind why I was so upset with Edward. He had provoked Charlie putting himself at great risk. He had picked up a pipe to fight Charlie…for me. But here was the kicker, he had only taken the job as a punishment…something between Paul and himself. So he was here to be a smart ass and that was no good.

I already had enough unpredictable people in my life. Edward in the mix just upped the ante for more catastrophe. His lack of care for how crazy Charlie was would get him hurt. This would end badly.

And Charlie, horrible as he was, I needed him. I had a crazy mother to care for and it was wrong to let so much of the responsibility for us fall on Naomi. So as much of a son of a bitch as Charlie was, I needed to make sure he didn't end up in jail or the hospital because if him and Edward got into it….

That evening Sooner enjoyed her two cans of food. I wished I had more. Naomi had been there and left a pot of soup on the stove. Mama ate a bowl and spent the night quiet. She fell asleep earlier than usual and I closed her door and went to my room and my records.

I was listening to Joni Mitchell and writing a poem when Edward came around. I shouldn't be so surprised this time, but he was on the porch roof and standing at my window and that was pretty shocking.

I said, "What are you doing?"

And he said, "Can't run away now, can you?"

So we looked at each other through that black screen, and I unhooked it and lifted it and he raised it higher and climbed in. He carried an album. He seemed really big in my room, like it got smaller so quick. He handed me the record and I backed up to my bed and sat down and looked at it as he walked around and looked at my stuff. I didn't have much, but it meant something, what I had, and he went through my few albums and my stack of 45's and he put on his record, Fresh Cream, so I could hear this guitar player Eric Clapton, he said.

I got up and closed my notebook and stuck it on my desk. He sat on my bed where I'd been, and I sat on my desk chair and then he leaned back and took my pillow and crammed it under his head and folded his hands on his stomach. I couldn't stop staring.

We just listened to the music for a while and it was amazing. I reached out and turned the desk lamp off so he could get the full effect of my black light and he looked at my peace sign right away and stared at it.

Wonderful as it was to be with him like this, I couldn't relax. But after a while I went and laid on the rug like I usually did, and I lit a cigarette. I heard him move and he sat near me and took a cigarette. He struck a match, glowed on his face, and he sucked that thing to life and he leaned his back against the foot of my bed. We were like that, sharing the bean bag ashtray and just listening and sometimes he stared at the floor but sometimes at me.

After we finished our cigarettes he moved the ashtray aside and shifted and stretched along side of me. He looked at me for a while, and we were just like that, just looking at each other and the music played.

Whatever this was, it felt serious, at least to me.

That's the last I remembered, and I let my eyes close and I felt this kind of safe feeling and this kind of overwhelming feeling with him so near, a warmth inside and a shaky kind of energy, like something got ripped open in there and I didn't know if it would boil over or explode or stay put. I wouldn't give it up or change it…it was a chance I had to take…I had to allow…laying there by Edward on that magic carpet.

So we listened and drifted. And the next thing I knew I woke up.

I didn't know where I was for a minute, but my forehead had burrowed into the side of someone. At first I thought I was lying next to Mama and real quick realized no, warmer, harder, bigger. My head was roofed by someone's armpit and his arm snaked along my back seeming to hold me to him. My face had been smashed against his side. My hand rested on his chest and it rose and fell and his heart beat slow and solid. It was Edward.

I heard voices, yelling from below. Edward was waking up too, and I lifted my head and we looked at one another. The record had ended but it was making a sluffing sound cause the needle was riding the margin.

And I heard the yelling again, Charlie, then her wail, Mama, then Charlie.

"Charlie's home," I said, sitting up.

Edward sat up, too, his hair sticking up. The yelling and crying...

"What in the hell is going on down there," he said.

"He can't know you're here. Did you drive?"

"I walked."

"You have to get out." I said to Edward.

"What are they doing? Should you call the cops?" he said.

"No. Just go. Get out."

"I don't think so," he said. "Sounds like they're killing each other."

"Then stay in here. Don't come out. If he sees you he'll kill you. Do you hear me? He can't see you in here."

"Bella, he's not going to kill me. Call the cops on his drunk ass. Let them handle him."

"Stay here no matter what. Promise me."

"I don't think you should go down there. That drunk asshole…."

"Stay here." I scrambled to my feet and went to the door. I stuck my feet in my shoes and looked at Edward. He seemed poised to follow me. "Stay here," I said again.

I went into the hall closing my door solidly behind me. I walked to the landing. Mama was screaming at Charlie not to bring his bar-room crap into her house. He was telling her to get the hell out of his way. His was really drunk.

I walked a few steps down the staircase and saw them struggling over a chair. Another chair had fallen over near them. Apparently he was trying to bring these into the kitchen and she was fighting him. He was so drunk she wrested the chair from his grip and threw it aside but he grabbed her at the back of the neck and bent her over that chair yelling, "Pick it up."

At first she wouldn't, her arms swinging lose.

"Let her go," I yelled rushing down the rest of the stairs.

Now she grabbed at the place where he gripped her neck, but she couldn't get him off. I pulled on his arm trying to get him to let her go. Finally she picked that chair up like he demanded.

He pushed her toward the kitchen. The three of us were tangled, her holding the chair. I had to let go as he shoved her through the narrow doorway. In the kitchen he forced her to bend forward and set the chair.

As soon as he let her go she turned to him and grabbed his hair. He grabbed hers. I tried to pry them apart. Daddy's elbow hit me in the shoulder. I flew into the refrigerator rattling the contents. I cried out cause it hurt. That made him stop and let go of her. She released him and ripped open her robe.

She wore a half slip, the dark hair between her thighs showing through it, but above, the breast, the regular sag with the big nipple, but the other misshapen, pulling wrong and the deep purple showing through it like a pomegranate under her skin.

I gasped same as him. He was already yelling at her. But I couldn't take my eyes away. All this year this secret had grown. All this year we had carried it but I had not realized. I had not understood.

"What the hell is it?" Daddy said.

"It's you," she said. "You have killed me."

Charlie looked scared. "What is this?" he yelled at me as if I had created it.

"I don't know," I said.

"…and everything I ever loved…ever loved you killed," she said.

I went to her and pulled her robe together. "Shhh, Mama," then to Charlie, "Can you drive to the hospital?" I put my arm around Mama and led her to the hall so I could leave her there and find her shoes.

"Right now? We don't need to go now. I'll…take her to the doctor in the morning." I knew his fear of doctors. Of life.

"She needs to go right now. This looks bad," I said trying to stay calm.

"I don't want to go," she said.

"Shhh," I said. "It'll be all right," I told her.

"She don't need to go," Charlie said.

"I don't want to go," she said.

There was a knock on the door then. I took a few steps to it and opened it. There stood Edward. He had this deep look, worried. "Hey Bella," he said. "How…you doing?" His eyes were going from one of us to the other.

It had to be three or four in the morning. I didn't want to laugh, not nearly, but there was no explaining this.

"Charlie…I'm going to let Edward take us. You stay here and we'll be back after the doctor sees Mama."

"I don't want to go," she said.

"I need my truck," Charlie said.

"I'll bring it back," Edward said holding out his hand for the keys and more than that holding Charlie's gaze for a few seconds while he waited. Charlie dug in his pocket and slapped them into Edward's hand.

I got Mama's feet in her shoes. "We won't be long," I said like we were going somewhere cheerful.

Somehow we got her in the truck. Edward went to the back and slammed the tailgate shut. Charlie's table and two of the chairs were still in the bed.

Mama sat between us in her slip and her robe with her hair wild from Charlie pulling on it in their fight and surely some bruises I hope they didn't ask me about. I was in cut-offs and my tie-die T-shirt and my shoulder throbbed and a couple of other places. Edward wore his usual white T-shirt and blue jeans. He was working his jaw as we pulled off.

"The emergency room," I said.

"I figured," he said.

At the hospital they helped Mama into a wheelchair and I filled out the paperwork. Edward stood there with Mama in the chair and the nurse. The nurse asked him a few questions and he answered but I couldn't make it out. I kept writing and handed in the chart. Then they took us to a room and I asked Edward to sit in the waiting room. "I don't know what they'll do."

He nodded, looking at me so serious, like he had something to say but didn't know how. But he reached out to me and ran his finger over my cheek. He must of heard what I told the nurse…about Mama's breast.

"Thanks," I whispered.

So I went in the room with Mama and I touched my cheek cause I could feel him there. And I was ashamed to be with her knowing I'd had comfort when she didn't have any. And we sat there for such a long time, her slumped on one chair, me hunched on another. Her toes in the canvas slip on shoes turned in and her legs bare and skinny.

And every once in a while she whispered, "I don't want to show them." And she'd shake her head for a long time and the ends of her hair frizzed out like a dark kind of halo.

And I said, "They can help."

And she said, "They can't help." The way she said it…it was a knife through me.

I wanted to scream and cry and say why, why, why, but I knew better than to let such a thing out that would do no good.

She had said not to tell and I hadn't, even though it ate at me, I couldn't face it any more than she could…her having cancer. I was scared…so I pretended it was nothing cause the doctor told her most times it wasn't…and I did nothing, just like she told me…nothing…it was my fault. Charlie hadn't killed her. I had.

The doctor finally showed up, and he didn't look too happy to be called in. He was taken aback when he saw Mama's breast. He asked a million questions, first and foremost how it got to this point. He was rebuking Mama and I told him not to do that. I said it that way and then he got smart with me and I could smell the alcohol on him and I just took what I deserved.

He sent her for an x-ray and said they were going to keep her. "This is very bad," he told me. He said it looked like late stage cancer and he didn't think there was anything they could do for her if it was in her lymph nodes and he could already tell it was as they were swollen. He had never seen such, the whole thing he'd never seen it so bad. I was to come back in the morning and bring my father.

After they put her in a room she was quiet in the bed, almost peaceful. She lay there staring at the wall and she didn't look at me when I said I was going out for a minute and would she be all right? "Go," she said. "Go on home. You can't do nothing."

And I grabbed a fistful of her sheet and I wanted to tell her she would be fine but she didn't seem to want it…more of my lies. She was trying to send me away. She wanted to die. She'd wanted to die for years. That's what I knew. She was going, leaving me. I was never enough. Never was…like she looked past me…and I kept trying to hold on to her…until now…until this.

I ran into the hall and leaned against the wall and I didn't know if I could breathe, and no one was around and I leaned over and put my hands on my knees. I made myself slow down a minute, but I couldn't get past it so I pushed into the restroom and turned on the light and the cold water and kept putting the cold water on my cheeks.

There was knocking on the door. I pulled it open and it was him…through my window, pulling along the curb, through my door, this door, Mama moving away, but him coming toward, standing here.

He stepped in and I stumbled back and we landed against the wall and I felt the sore shoulder and I welcomed the pain cause I wasn't dead, I didn't want to die and Edward had his arms around me and mine were around him.

"I couldn't find you," he said against me.

"She's dying," I whispered.

He pulled back and looked at me. "They said that?"

After a minute I got a breath and said, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Bella it's okay…what's wrong with her?"

"They…she's…it's the worst…he's seen."

He held me some more and I didn't want him to let go. But I willed myself to stop. Other than Naomi, I had never known comfort like this, like Edward. I didn't know how long he held me, but he pulled me off the wall and stood there with me, his arms tight around me, mine around him and time passed.

Finally I pulled away and he stepped back. "I'm going to stay…so you can go on home. Thank you for everything." I went to the sink and washed over my face again and he handed me brown paper towels.

"You're by yourself," he said.

"I need to stay," I said. "Charlie might come when he sobers up. But Naomi will for sure. We'll be fine now."

"They'll help her," he said.

I nodded. My face crumpled, but I got it to straighten out and wiped over it again. I glanced in the mirror and it was bad.

He pulled me to him and kissed my forehead. It was so kind I almost started crying some more, but I willed myself, steeled myself.

We walked out then, to the door of Mama's room. I knew it waited for me, my time in there…what I had to face now. "Thanks again," I said. "When you get to my house, just leave the keys in the truck. He'll be passed out. Don't try to wake him. Just…I hope you can sleep some."

"It's almost time for work," he said, smiling a little.

"Well…that thing he said about being late? All bullshit."

We laughed a little. "I'll go…." he said.

He walked off then and he turned a couple of times and waved.

I went in Mama's room and sat by Mama's bed. She had her eyes closed, seemed to be asleep. I sighed looking at her so small there. I scooted closer and touched her hair, smoothed it. My mother-child.


	8. Chapter 8

Finding My Thunder 8

The rest of that first morning when they put Mama in I didn't sleep at all. I watched waterbugs crawl those mint green walls. Rubber soled shoes marched for miles up and down shiny linoleum halls. Carts rattled with medicines and food and machines and bodies hooked up to more carts and bottles of things that dripped. Voices and laughing when no one should, and the intercom scratching and I wondered could anyone hear…did anyone care.

Naomi had marched in to Mama's room around seven that first morning like a spring storm, clean wind and the washing of water…she rearranged pillows and bottles and chairs like we had hope now…hope. I had my eyes closed when she came in, but they were open now and I'd been watching her but she didn't know it. She was smoothing the covers over Mama and we finally looked at one another and that which we feared most had come upon us.

"She's dying," I said.

"She saw the doctor in January…how is it possible she is this sick?" Naomi said.

I told Naomi about the cancer and everything the doctor said.

And she put her arms out wide and I went to her and she held me up against her cotton dress and the White Shoulders perfume she bought at Woolworth's. And for a long time of quiet, she was petting me, smoothing me over.

"Did Charlie call you?" I finally asked.

"So he is Charlie now? No."

I was ready to ask how she knew about Mama, if she'd gone to the house, but she spoke again, "It was that handsome one. He come to my door and said I had to come here right away."

She pulled back and looked in my eyes. "Lord," she whispered, "where I been?"

"It's Edward."

"I know who he is…that little brown one grown up…the one you fancied back." She smoothed my hair off of my face.

"What?" I said. Brown? And how did she know I'd fancied him? We'd been friends….

"The one who hurt your feelings that day…we made that cake? You like to badgered me to death. Then you came home looking like you'd rolled in the creek and wouldn't talk about it. I know that Edward. He's the big deal."

I'd forgotten what a bird dog she could be.

"But how are you?" she asked.

I shrugged and laid my head on her shoulder again.

"Sister Debra lost the baby you know. That's where I been. She took it hard with Tad in Vietnam."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I pictured Tanya…joyful on Sunday, dancing and her slip hanging and her always telling me to smile.

We parted then and I went back to my chair. We'd been whispering because Mama was asleep, or she pretended to be so she wouldn't have to deal with us.

"You got to get out in the fresh air now. Go have some breakfast," Naomi said.

"No Ma'am."

"Yes Ma'am," she said back. She was digging in her big patent leather purse with the gold clasp. She brought out two dollars and held them toward me. "Go on now," she said.

"I'm not hungry."

"Get some ice cream then," she said waving them. "You always did want ice cream for breakfast so I'm finally saying yes."

I stared at her and broke into a smile. I always did want it.

"Go on so I can visit with Renee."

I didn't know why she couldn't speak her piece in front of me. Mama seemed feeble and tiny in that bed this morning, like she was giving up another inch and another inch ever since she got here.

"Get goin'," Naomi said to me and I took the money and walked out with heavy steps. I didn't go far, but I stood in the hall and tried to listen.

I didn't expect to hear Mama speak so soon or so forcefully. I wondered if she wasn't also waiting for me to leave. "What you gonna do about it?" Mama said.

"About this? What can I do, child? You have given up on yourself. That's what he done. You forgot how much that girl of yours loves you."

My hand went over my mouth and I listened hard.

"She don't need me. She never did."

"I suppose Jacob told himself the same thing. How true was that?"

After a minute Naomi said, "Don't have an answer, do you? Guess we don't get to say how other people feel about us."

"I been sufferin'," Mama whined.

"We all been sufferin', Miss Renee. But there is much to do."

"I ain't strong like you," now petulance had set in.

"I ain't strong. I am the weakest coward you will ever meet. When I think about my own misery that is. When I let it consume me night and day."

"You hate me and you got the right. It's best I go. It's best…."

"Don't be sayin'…."

But Naomi never got to finish before Mama started to wail, "He was so little…."

I heard shifting around, "There now…get ahold…get ahold." And I was surprised at how firmly she spoke.

Mama whimpered some.

"You have hid this disease," Naomi said, and I could tell by her voice she was touching Mama in some way for she used that same way on me, she would hug you tight while she confronted your sins.

"It's him," Mama said low. "He has taken hold in me and grown…."

"Who?"

I could hear Mama gulping and crying some. "That dark one," she got out.

"You gonna tell me this crazy talk? You got cancer Miss Renee. It ain't something else. It is only that."

"No," Mama said. "You don't know how he comes…."

"Listen to me. I spoke with your nurse this morning. You are very sick. Looks like you are at the end. You got a very short time to talk to make your peace. If there is someone you want to think about now then think about Bella. What do you want to say to her before you go?"

"And there's you," Mama said.

"There is nothing between us. Least ways from me. I have forgiven you way back. And I have asked you repeatedly to forgive me."

"I don't hold it against you. I told you that," Mama said. "One for the other."

"That is the cruelest way to put it. That is not what it was."

"But that don't mean it didn't happen."

"We have put it back there," Naomi said.

"But it happened. It all happened."

"I have never denied that."

"But you have denied me. You can barely look at me."

"I have done right by you. I have always done right by you."

"I gave you her. I let you have her," Mama said.

"That was not decision. That was apathy."

"You have not forgiven me. I know you want to think you have so you can get at that pulpit and be the righteous one. But you have not forgiven me."

"I have given you everything," Naomi said.

"You have given me everything but your forgiveness."

"I have given you…everything. And I am out. Now you go to God like I always say. You go to him and get what you need. For I am empty."

I stumbled from there, two hands over my mouth, I walked but I didn't know where I was going. I turned a corner and saw the outside doors ahead like a light at the end of the tunnel and I walked toward them, I ran too.

Outside I leaned against the wall and I breathed and I felt the sun on my face. And everything I knew, every rough and dusty edge I'd ever touched…was truth shrouded by Mama…by Naomi. They hardly ever talked, they didn't talk. They didn't fight. They didn't argue. They were around me. They were with me. But they were not together. And yet they were tied. By more than me. They were locked. Mama counted on Naomi and Naomi was true. But the others…the others were there before me. And the way they had spoken to one another, not just the words but the emotion in the words, the knowing in the words….

I could barely understand why or how, but the purple car was there, and Edward leaning toward the passenger side talking to me through the open window. "Get in," he said.

I made a sound I was so grateful. I did not know it was him I needed…that God would give me such a gift when I was toes over a cliff, looking down and wondering how deep the black hole was.

So I got in, and he looked at me in all his handsome glory and he grinned. And I knew that somehow it would be all right, that somehow I would live through it all.

"I tried to go to work," he said, "but Charlie is still at your house and Riley ain't there either and it's all locked up."

I didn't think about it I just leaped across the space between us and put my arms around his neck and I squeezed, and he laughed a little and his arms went around me and he squeezed me back until there was a knocking on the door and a man's voice said, "Hey you can't park here," and I pulled back and Edward ignored him and said, "Where you want to go?"

And I said, "With you."


	9. Chapter 9

Finding My Thunder 9

He'd said. "Let's go to the quarry." And I did not protest as we headed out of town. This was his place, this quarry, he owned it all, this town, these places where his every move made the legends they would talk about all the rest of the week, Edward, Edward Cullen, the thing we got right, the hero amongst us.

The windows were down and the hot wind blew our hair, and I was turned toward him and the Moody Blues blasted from an eight track tape. And I was looking at him and when he'd look back I would smile and so would he.

We didn't talk about anything. We didn't need to. He knew I was in the shit…I knew he was drifting toward a war. I let the million knocks on the door of my mind go still and my guilt for feeling comfort with Edward, not take hold. I was with him and for just a few hours I would pretend it was real because that's how it felt…real.

So we got there, crunching gravel under our tires and he knew where to park, knew it all slamming the car into gear, tearing the door open, trunk open and him digging and I got out more slowly cause we were high and the water was low, and he was back there talking. "Don't come around less you want to see something," he laughed.

And I was tempted. And when he slammed that trunk I got slammed with him in cut off jeans and not anything else.

"You come prepared," I said.

"Long as I got my skin I'm ready for the quarry," he said.

I didn't know what to say to that. Of course he would swim bare with his friends, but I was me and…not ready.

But following him it was hard not to ogle his back and shoulders, hips and legs, Lord, and him brown as when he was young. Naomi called him that, and he was, and it ran through.

So I followed him to the lookout and sat on the ground and he ran for it and jumped into the air and I was on my feet watching him fall like the most free and beautiful thing God ever made. And he hit the pure blue water and bobbed up quick, his dark head slick as a seal's and he was hooting, "Come on."

"Oh shit," I whispered. "Over-thinker," I called to him.

"What? Get down here." He was treading water.

"I don't swim." And I was afraid of heights and afraid in general.

"Come on," he said. "I'll get you. Jump."

I stepped back. Thank God I had on cut-offs. I could easy go in my T-shirt, but no. If I was going to do this I wanted to be free. I was far enough back he couldn't see. I pulled off my T-shirt and stood there in my white bra with the little flower in the center. I was a Baptist freak thanks to Naomi so the bra stayed.

"Get down here," he called again.

It was the age of peace and love. I'd always known if I ever got a chance to be a part of it I'd be a lily-livered sexually inhibited…I bet Tanya peeled off. And she was a jock.

Well, damn it.

"Come on, girl," he called.

And I kicked off my shoes and walked out where he could see me.

He was quiet, looking up, arms moving.

After a minute he said, "Go back and run and jump. I'll be right here."

I nodded, and I took some steps back. Worst that could happen? I would die. Either way I'd be in Edward's arms the other end of this.

So I took a big breath. I ran toward the edge and got there and kept going. My arms went out and my fingers spread and the water grew close and a flash of Edward and I hit the water and cold. So cold as I plunged letting the rush fold me like a shut flower. It was good not to fight.

But as I slowed my petals started to open and I kicked up. He grabbed me and he was moving strong and I continued to rise. He had my arm and he pulled me, but I kicked too. In seconds we broke the surface.

He gasped and so did I. "You did it," he said soft and proud.

I put my arms around his neck and his arms were around me as his strong legs kicked.

"You got water on your eyelashes," he said.

He was so kind and so lovely and strong.

He turned me around then and put his arm under my breasts and he was swimming and pulling me along, and I looked at the sky so blue, so blue, and after a minute he said, "That's it, just float like that…like that."

And my eyes were closed and the heat of the sun on my face, and his hands holding me, but the water around me, and I floated and it was so quiet, so quiet, and I felt Edward beneath me, his legs lightly touching my own, then gone, then back. And for a long time we did that, we floated and we breathed and the water…the water…like a cloud…like something joined by God…like one.


	10. Chapter 10

Finding My Thunder 10

I was back at the hospital the same time they were trying to serve Mama lunch. Naomi was trying to get her to take a bite of tapioca. She stood by the bed speaking to Mama like she was a baby. Mama ignored her, face turned away, eyes closed.

"Look at you," Naomi said to me.

After my plunge into the quarry Edward had taken me home and I had put my wet hair in a ponytail and changed my clothes. I'd also put some things in a paper bag so I could spend the night with Mama. Charlie had not been home. That meant we had pretty much raced here so Edward could work for the rest of the day.

I didn't expect Charlie to come. Not until he had to and maybe not even then.

"Did the doctor get in to see her?" I asked.

"Go home," Mama said, her eyes still closed.

"You got color in your cheeks," Naomi addressed me moving to the chair. "Do you want to eat this food?"

"No thank you," I said.

"Naomi pulled her crochet up from where it sat bundled on the top of her big purse. It was in baby colors.

"What did the doctor say?" I asked.

Naomi shook her head at me with a sorrowful smile. I already knew there was no hope.

So I went to the other chair in the room and sat, placing my paperbag on the floor beside.

"They took an x-ray but she will not be put through anymore tests. She is on a lot of medication for pain," Naomi said.

Naomi fussed at her stitches and then in disgust she unraveled some.

"I don't think Charlie will come around," I said.

"Leave him alone," Mama slurred, not opening her eyes. "He's no good."

Naomi looked at me. She said, "Come on out in the hall a minute."

I followed her out to the hallway, waited while she spoke to an old man moving slow on a walker. You couldn't go anywhere with Naomi she didn't know everybody and their Mama.

"The x-ray showed how advanced. The doctor asked to use it at a convention. It is all throughout her Lymph System. It will be two, three weeks…or days," she said to me with a sigh.

We kept walking toward a waiting room at the end of the hall.

"Does she know?" I said.

"I believe she does, Bella. She knows she is dying."

We could go no further and stood side by side at a picture window that looked onto a small patch of grass and some bushes.

I had a flash in my mind of when I was young and Mama had good times, strong times where she wore pretty aprons and I could smell the Breck shampoo in her thick shiny hair.

She was trying then, the last drop of hope had not left her yet…or maybe it had…maybe she got broke around the time Naomi's husband died. Maybe they all did and I was just seeing the residue of what Mama could have been…what she was once.

"How old was she when she worked at the dimestore?"

Naomi looked at me. "I don't remember. About your age when she started maybe…fifteen."

"They told her she had talent. Artistic talent the way she set up the windows," I said. "She was proud of that."

We stood there quiet.

"Why you think she married him?" I asked.

"Guess she thought she loved him."

"She said he looked handsome in his uniform," I said.

"He did. He cut a fine figure. They didn't have much time before he went to war."

"Did she really know him?"

"I suppose she did. Well she had lost your Granma…and she was so lonely in that big house…and she had a girlfriend…and that one's boyfriend was getting ready to go to the war…and he had a friend…it was Mr. Charlie. And he was older than her…so that's how it started."

Mama had told me this, but I did not know she had been lonely then, too. But I did know she accused Charlie of being after her money. Not that she had any now. But the big house must of fooled him.

"The war was hard on folks. People don't come back the same." Naomi said this last part low. I felt us walking on new ground together.

"Was she ever happy?"

She looked at me now and I saw the feeling there, always the sadness in her eyes. "How could she have such a daughter and not know happiness?"

If that was true, if I was the one supposed to have made her happy…then I knew firsthand I had failed. There were times when I was small…moments…seconds…but no, not happiness.

"You remember Charlie much before he went to war?"

"Some."

"What was he like then?"

She shrugged. "He kept to himself. He fixed radios."

"He did?"

"They didn't have long…not even a year before he left. They hardly had any time."

"Were they happy? Like…in love?"

"Renee…she was always quiet. But after he left…she…she was lonely again. He…she had quit her job…he didn't want her to work."

"So what did she do all day?"

"She…I don't know. It's so long ago. She…she gardened some. She…painted."

"Painted?"

"You ain't seen her paintings? I don't know what she done with them all. It's so long ago."

She was agitated, straightening up the waiting room. "I'm going to have to go for a bit. We are planning a service for the baby…and I got to rest."

"You don't have to come back today. I'll call you," I said.

Edward had told me to come to the parking lot when he got off of work. He said he wasn't much good inside hospitals but he was great in parking lots. I smiled to myself remembering his words. And I told him he didn't have to do that, he'd done too much already, but he ignored that and said he'd be round at five o'clock.

And I sat with Mama and she was already shifting away, turning away and looking to go. She didn't talk to me or open her eyes much, but I put my hand on her leg sometimes, but I couldn't keep her there.

At five I ran to the parking lot and the purple car was parked close to the front, but in a real spot this time. He was slumped in the seat smoking a cigarette and listening to music. I opened the passenger's door and got in. "Hey," I said, and he was sitting up from a drowsy place.

"You're sunburned," he said touching my cheek.

"You too," but he wasn't. He didn't burn he just got brown.

"How you doin'?" he asked. "Hungry?"

"No," I said. I didn't think I'd ever eat again I felt so sick.

"Scoot over," he said patting the seat beside him. So I did move over, and he put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder and it felt like Jesus had showed. I felt a block of sorrow move into my throat and I willed it back down cause it was too big and too much.

"He's gonna pretty well stay drunk looks like," Edward said, meaning Charlie. "You want to take a ride?"

"I can't leave her long."

"We'll ride to the bottoms and back. Twenty minutes."

I went to scoot back to the door and he pulled my arm. "Where you goin'?"

So I gave in and he took his arm back, but I sat close to him while he drove us out of there.

I couldn't think of a thing to say. I wasn't light hearted like some girls, the girls he'd known. And now….

So we drove and he sang a little, and looked at me sometimes, but he only smiled a little. I sat there and absorbed him. That was what I wanted to do, tried to do. I didn't ever want to leave him, leave this car, leave his side. "I wish we could go to Canada," I said.

"What?" he asked reaching to turn down the radio.

I felt stupid now. "You don't have to keep doing this."

"What?"

"Being so nice."

"Should I be mean?"

I laughed a little. "No."

So we were quiet then, and too soon back at the hospital and fear and guilt speared me. What if she died while I was gone?

He pulled near the door and I scooted away and said, "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"Edward…you can't keep doing this. I'm…sorry I pulled you into all this."

"Bella…I don't do anything I don't want to do."

"Vietnam?" I said.

He kept staring at me, eyes with the dark pull.

"You want to go to Vietnam?" I repeated.

"We're going to talk about this again?" He shook his head.

"I…don't want you to go." I had no right.

"If you wanted me to go…to a war…thousands of miles away…that would mean you hated my guts."

"I…don't hate your guts."

"Good to know."

I opened the door. "I…I don't hate your guts," I said again. "But…for so long…you ignored me."

He shrugged. "See there…you're wrong. There is no ignoring you. Not for me. Not ever."

"You stopped talking to me on your thirteenth birthday. I was eleven. I brought you a cake. James…and you and him fought. You told me…you said…." I finally heard myself, how loud my voice had grown and the emotion. I just stopped. I wasn't fit to be around him. I felt like an idiot.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm so sorry. Just…you shouldn't come back. I'm…I'm kind of a mess inside."

I got out and closed the door. I heard his door slam and he called me. The guard was outside telling him he had to move his car. Edward cursed, but I heard him get back in his car and then I was inside. The nurse stopped me at her desk to explain Mama's medication and as soon as she was done I turned to continue toward her room and Edward was there.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked.

He was still in his work clothes and pretty dirty, but beautiful to me. "I…I guess so," I said. We stepped a little ways down the hall and I leaned against the wall.

"I'm here now," he said. "I don't know how long I'll be around and I never planned to do this…like thought it out…it just seems…right."

"We were friends," I said and I felt the tears, but I breathed slow and held them in check.

"That's what we are," he said.

"But all that time…I understand you went into sports and got all famous."

He laughed at that.

"I mean…you wouldn't look at me. You never did."

"I wasn't ignoring you. You said ignore. I had my reasons. It was just easier."

"Not for me."

"You holding it against me?"

"No." I tried to really be honest and I wasn't holding it against him. "No."

He shook his head. "Friends?"

He had always been my friend. My only friend. My best friend. The only one I'd wanted.

"I just," he said, "I need you right now. Is that okay?"

I wanted him to need me. I needed him. I didn't like the, 'right now,' part, but that was honest. He was too big for Ludicrous Tennessee. Even if there wasn't a war, he was too big. I nodded.

He stepped forward, hand on the back of my neck. He pulled me forward to kiss my forehead, but I kept my face up and I was close and we were looking at each other and I smelled the iron but on him it was new. "All day," he said, "I thought about the quarry. I don't know what this is…and there's no future…absolutely none. But for now…whatever this is…I have to be with you."

I continued to stare.

"Say it's okay. Say it's okay," he whispered.

It wasn't okay. It was not okay. But there was no way on this earth I would deny him anything he asked.

"It's okay," I said.

He touched his forehead to mine and it was settled.

As my mother lay dying in a nearby room…I plunged all over again into the blue bowl…the cold rush of Edward Cullen.


	11. Chapter 11

Finding My Thunder 11

It took Mama two weeks to pass from this life. To be swallowed by life, is how Naomi put it, for that is how the scriptures spoke of death, she said.

Hardest thing I'd ever done, besides holding Mama's hand while she passed, hardest thing was picking out her casket. I don't know why it was the worst cause there were several things contending for that place, but it was the worst finding a box for Mama, one that could hold her and her secrets.

Charlie said there was money for it and then he bolted from the room at the undertakers and left me to decide. Well, I smelled the alcohol. The room had filled with it. I pointed to the cheapest box they had. It didn't matter now.

Charlie had not come to see Mama until that last day and then he was too late and she was already passed but they let us sit with her, me and Naomi, until he came. He went in there and when he saw her he bent over and put his hands on the bed to hold himself up. "Oh God," he said.

Naomi stayed in her chair. She did not speak or go to him. He wouldn't have wanted that.

"She had it so hard," he said, "never could get goin'."

And I wondered he didn't try to make it easier then. I wondered so many things but there was no talking amongst the three of us.

The only other ones who came were the ladies from Naomi's church, coming in a couple of times to pray around Mama, circling the bed, hats and dresses, a flower garden they were around her holding hands while they took turns saying the words and Mama, her eyes closed, a tube running in her now to drain the fluid from her lungs, fluid she needed, the doctor said, and I watched her life run into the vial even while they prayed.

And in the evenings, Edward picking me up outside to take me home so I could shower and change. He didn't say he would come at five o'clock after that first time. He was always there.

We didn't talk so much. I sat by him and he sang to me with his arm around and I put my hand over his heart and sometimes my ear. I ran into the house, Charlie was never there. I fed my sooner and cleaned up and got clothes and before he dropped me off I said, "Thank you, Edward."

And he said, "You're welcome," in such a final way I knew for sure he wasn't coming back. All night I was with Mama and I said, well why would he come back? I wouldn't. But the next evening… there he was.

So the day we buried Mama we stood at the grave, Charlie and me, Naomi and a group of folks from her flock. They were mine too, my family. Though Charlie did not look into this, not ever, the life I led…he did not look.

Some back standing off by themselves were Edward and Riley. They came separate but they stood together cause like it or don't, we were categorized.

So after words from the funeral director we walked away from that box and the ladies did come to me clucking and smoothing over my hair and patting my back and pressing their lips against my cheek and dollars into my hand, too. And Charlie went off stumbling over the graves, just off so he wouldn't have to see it.

Naomi said they were going to her house and they would lay out the food in our kitchen and they would go and I should tell Charlie. So I did tell him, and he nodded, but he didn't look at her, and she didn't need it cause I already knew how it was and so did she.

Riley was first to cross over to me. He hugged me and I thanked him for coming and we joked how he'd cleaned up and even wore a tie around his neck. He went up to Charlie and they shook hands and they talked. Edward came to me then, but Charlie looked on. I didn't want him to see how it was so I tried to let the light stay out of my face.

"Thank you for coming, Edward," I said.

He nodded and he smiled, but his eyes held sorrow for me.

He followed Riley's lead and shook Charlie's hand and Charlie said there was food at the house and they could eat, then he guessed they'd take the day off but the next day, Friday, they'd try to get something done.

Riley said, "Charlie…take the weekend at least."

But Charlie said, "It don't make no difference now. Might as well work."

I looked at Charlie and I let myself see it, his relief.

"You can ride with me," Charlie said to me.

I did not look at Edward, but I wanted him. Just him. I followed Charlie, for he had not beckoned me his way. Not ever. And I did not know how it would be. But I would shortly.

So I got in his truck and he took off driving but not toward home. It was some miles before he spoke and when he did my ears were listening hard.

"I tried to do right by her," he said.

My breath pulled in.

"She wasn't ever right. That one lives behind…you believe her. But Renee was crazy from the get out."

I felt the hot lead of my disagreement, but I wasn't about to stop him.

"Her and that one…that old Negro granma you love so much…they been plottin' day one. Behind my back whisperin' all the time. She's afraid of me and she better be that old heifer."

If I defended her I wouldn't know what else he was fixing to say, so I stayed quiet. But I felt hate for him and nothing else.

"Truth is she gonna find herself in a fix now. She has no idea. We get home they better be cleared out. You kids can eat…but I ain't eatin' their food. It's a new damn day."

"What…what are you going to do?" I asked.

"Time I'm through she'll be runnin' her black ass out of there. I own the land goes right to her door."

He reached across me then and flipped open the glove box. He reached in for the bottle there. He pulled the cork out with his teeth and spit that from the window. Then he took a hefty drink, then another and the smell of whiskey fought with the iron.

"Stop the truck," I said.

"I ain't stoppin' out here. You got no say in what happens so you best go along and finish your school. You can work at the shop and be a white girl first time in your life. "

"Stop the truck," I said a little louder.

"You hear what I say? 'Bout actin' white? Folks ask me about you. You and her always holed up, but I got to be in this community and they ask what you are. You go around all the time with her…with those others…you become that in people's eyes. It ain't natural how you and her are…her always touchin' you. It ain't right. You gonna work for me you gotta behave like a white girl."

I did not know rage could close my throat. But he had never come for me before, always for Mama. So this is what she'd done…for me. I hadn't understood. But now I did. Mama was gone and he stepped right up to me.

"You best get used to listenin'. You're too much like her."

"She was my mother. But you…I ain't so sure."

He slammed the brakes then. "Why you say that?"

I stared at him, at the thick moustache and the lips and the words that came from the lips. I couldn't get up to his eyes.

"I'm gonna walk," I said.

Then I reached over and grabbed that flat bottle out of his hand and he yelled, "Hey."

After I was out I started to walk the way we had come from, back toward town. He still yelled, "Bring my bottle back you little bitch." But I kept walking and he took off, leaving rubber behind.

I tipped my head back and took a swig of that alcohol and my head about blew off. I coughed, but I liked the burn and the tears it brought, and the coughing, and I did spit, I spat him out. I spat him into the road.

And I walked and walked. My feet hurt and at some point I kicked off my shoes and kept going. The ground was hot so I stayed to the grass where I could and I drained that bottle and threw it away, too.

I ended up at the high school on the edge of our civilization on the football field. "Rah, Rah Edward," I called out before I fell and rolled onto my back. I looked at the sky, a faded blue canopy shimmering with heat and the sun beat on me and my heart answered. I lifted my hand so I would appear in all that expanse. And it was like magic. I existed.

Some time later I came too, and I was on the ground at the high school, on the field cause I could see the wooden bleachers in the distance. I stared up at the evening sky and I felt the earth under me, against my back. "Mama," I whispered. Her spirit was set free, Naomi said.

At the last she breathed so shallow. Sometimes I thought she'd stopped but she'd start again.

I remembered looking over the edge of the cliff at the quarry and seeing Edward in the water. When I leapt, I went to him.

I wondered if death was like that…a big scary leap into something grand, so grand, something like love with Jesus waiting in the center. I wanted to believe that kind of love held her forever...and ever.

Naomi said so. Naomi said it was all love, everything…just love.

And I was holding that thought…when Edward suddenly appeared, standing over me. He still wore his dress pants and his white shirt. He was looking down at me, hands in his pockets.

"Hey," I tried to whisper but my throat felt sore.

He looked me up and down for a while and looked some more at my face and I didn't have any pride about it.

He dropped on his knees. I wanted to tell him he'd get grass stains on his pants, but my pink dress was probably ruined already and I wouldn't ever wear it again anyway. And I felt for where that dress was on my legs and what I was showing for he was still looking the length of me, and it was twisted some and my legs showed naked, and when I reached to right it, he pulled it with me, and straightened it, then seemed to study that he had it right. And he said, "You lost your shoes. Your feet are all dirty."

So he was on his knees and he dropped to his butt then he lay beside me and let out a big sigh. We were looking up at the sky and it was pretty quiet and dark gray blue and the sound of traffic was far off and the night bugs singing.

"I ain't ever been alive when she wasn't," I said.

He reached some and took my hand and we laid there and held hands between us.

"I been lookin' for you for hours," he said.

I counted twenty-one lightening bugs, just there, right above us.

"We have to kill him. Would you help me? Kill Charlie?" I asked. Odd, when I'd been thinking so hard about love. "He's such a hateful racist bastard," I said, and that rage was breaking free some.

Edward laughed like I'd been joking.

"How old were you when your daddy died?" I asked him.

"Two."

"You remember it?"

"No. Just one thing…tall people saying I was cute and wearing this blue coat."

"I wish I was too little to know. How'd he die?"

"On the job. Tractor turned over."

"I'm sorry."

He laughed again. "Not your fault Swan."

"Did she remarry quick?"

"Too quick. Right away. Paul was widowed too. He had James."

"I didn't know. So James lost his mother."

"Yeah. She died having him."

"Wow," I whispered.

"Yeah. Wow." He lifted my hand and played with my fingers. "You know what my Dad's name was before they changed it?"

I just looked at him.

"Italiano. His mom was Cullen and he took that when he got older."

"Edward Italiano," I whispered. "You look like some dark Italian."

He laughed again. "You reek of alcohol and you talk like you're still drunk."

"I am."

"You ever been drunk before?"

"No."

"Bella, Bella," he said.

"I took it from Charlie. He was mad and I got out of the truck and he was yelling for me to bring it back. He didn't care if I had to walk back from the bottoms…he just wanted his whiskey."

"Charlie's a dick, Bella. Here you walked all that way. Damn. That's why I pushed him with the radio. I did it with coaches too. After Paul…I want to see what's there. So I push a little and…it's like jarring the table and if the glass is too full…it spills. Then you see the mess…then you know."

I studied him a bit. He had just let me see the inside of himself. He was more like me than I realized. And our dads…"Paul…is like Charlie?"

"Similar."

"I never knew…."

"I was the reminder…you know? If you see the picture, the one Mom kept and gave to me…my real dad is this really dark guy…I mean as dark as Naomi."

"You're like him."

"Paul would go crazy over me keeping my shirt on."

"You and James lived on those bicycles all summer and you never wore a shirt, it was always in your back pocket."

He laughed. "It drove him crazy."

We were quiet for a while.

"She dropped him a kid every year to make up for it. For me."

I looked at him. "He's like…very proud of you. I mean…how could he not be? He was always at your games. What more could he want than…you?"

"You think he was proud? He wanted to be seen. He wanted to make sure everyone knew he hadn't made a mistake marrying a woman with a kid as dark as me. He's never been proud of me. Fuck him."

More quiet and it grew darker.

"He used to hit Mom. I'd get in the way and he'd throw me around. James would join in, he'd try to get Paul off and Paul would smack him, too. James…wasn't good at anything…and Paul rode him. So I took over…I took over with James…protecting him."

He looked at me. "Maybe I shouldn't talk about James?"

"I want to hear," I said. I took my hand away from him and rolled onto my side and he took my other hand and pulled it onto his chest.

"He had two sons…one too different…one who was just like him…a screw up. I knew what he wanted and I knew it wasn't going to be James. So I became his son. It was easy for me. All of it. I'd say…I'll go this far…I'll do this…and I did it. I was good at it. All of it. And he backed off of Mom…and James…and me. If he got out of line…I was stronger than him. I just got bigger. I dated the girl he wanted…I was lined up for the job he wanted…I even had a scholarship if I wanted it…or a place in the reserves if I didn't. I saw how it goes. And then I wadded it up and threw it in his face. And he's ready to bust a vein…or maybe have a heart attack…I can hope."

More quiet, and I switched hands again, weaving my fingers with his as I rolled on to my back. I pictured him walking a tightrope over the crowd looking up, waiting for him to slip. "Were you happy? Working so hard to keep them all…pleased?"

He laughed. "I told you…there was nothing hard about it. Nothing particularly challenging. I'm just dark enough to make them feel like they're not prejudiced if they accept me, but I'm just white enough to make me somewhat acceptable. I'm the token black guy who's kind of white. And being good at stuff helped a lot." He grinned.

"You wouldn't believe the moms who have come on to me. Teachers. It's pretty sick."

He pulled his hand from mine and dug around in his pocket. I heard him strike a match. He passed me a lit cigarette and I took a puff but it heightened the nausea I already felt from the whisky.

"Because you're dark, or because you're such a stud, or what? Why would these adults come on to you?" It made me so mad.

"Because I'm still the plantation buck, you know?"

"You really think that's it?"

"When the same thing keeps happening…you figure it."

"So…did you take them up on…."

"No. I've never done it."

"You're…a virgin?"

He laughed. "Don't look so surprised."

"I just thought…."

"Thought I was some whore," he laughed.

"Well you and Tanya…."

"Go on," he grinned.

I didn't have a right to feel so happy. But he'd just made a shitty day better.

"…I just thought…you gave her a promise ring."

"Yeah. It was that pushing thing…doing the next thing…I kept letting things happen…letting myself go deeper."

"Didn't you…love her?"

"Whoa," he laughed. "Let's just get personal, Swan."

I put my hand over my mouth.

"You're turning red…so red," he laughed. He took a last drag of the cigarette then pitched it away and turned to me. "Come 'ere," he said, and he pulled me against him.

I was wrapped in his arms. My arms were crossed over my chest. My head rested on his bi-cep.

"I don't even like her," he whispered against my ear. Then he laughed some more and I had to laugh with him.

"That's kind of terrible," I said, not able to believe he had been with such perfection as Tanya and not loved every minute of it.

"It's not her fault. I kept trying to be a good boyfriend. I mean I said…how would Moon-Doggie handle this?"

We laughed some more. "You watched Gidget Goes Hawaiian?" I asked.

When we got quiet again he said, "You've never had a boyfriend…right?"

"Um…no."

"Too stuck up," he said smiling, moving my hair behind my ear. "Ever kissed anybody?"

"Naomi," I whispered and he laughed some, but not enough to break this intense eye contact we had going on.

He moved closer and I lifted my lips and he pressed his lips against mine. It only lasted for a few seconds, but when he pulled back he smiled at me. "I want to keep going," he said.

I grabbed onto him and pulled him forward and rolled onto my back. I was looking at him and him at me and we weren't laughing at all now, just breathing.

"You know I'm leaving," he said.

"You run away from me. You always have."

He shook his head and his hands gripped my shoulders hard. "You're my only reason to stay."

"Then stay."

He was shaking his head. "I only took this job to keep the peace at home for Mom. James is coming back out in January. He'll watch over things…if he doesn't fuck up too much and land in jail. They'll call me up before then probably."

"You can't be so passive about this!" I said hysterical. "You can't do that! You could die over there! You can't throw yourself away!"

"Shh, shh," he said smoothing over my hair.

"We could go to Canada," I said, unable to stop the words.

"I'm not the type to run, Bella. This is my country. It's where I want to live."

"Register for school. It's all you have to do. Get into school."

"Bella…no. I'm done with school. I don't want school. I turned down a scholarship. I'm done."

"It won't be like you think over there. Listen to the guys coming back. It's a hopeless war. That's what they're saying. They're saying we don't belong there. We're not heroes there. They are saying not to go."

"And there's plenty of guys who are coming back proud they did their duty."

"That's part of their bullshit. It's propaganda. You can't go. You can't…die. You can't die. I won't be able to bear it…all those miles between us. You can't…." I was crying now. Really crying about everything. I turned away from him, flung myself away. I was sobbing into the ground, wishing I could die and dissolve into the turf.

He was trying to console me, pulling on me, lifting me. He was carrying me. All the while I was limp, crying against him, wishing I could dissolve into him.

Somehow we were in his car. He held me like the baby I was. When I was cried out, he rubbed my arm and spoke softly to me. "Bella…I can't stay here and work for some asshole like Charlie. I've got reasons."

I kept my face buried in my hair.

"I wasn't ignoring you all those years just to be an asshole. I decided it was better. Bella…is Naomi…is she just…who is she to you?"

I lifted my head and looked at him. "Why?"

"I just…I've never understood how your family sets up."

I pushed my hair off my face. "Years back Granma let her work for days pay. And they got close and she moved in back. She had a husband and a son but they died. She's like a granma to me. I used to call her my meemaw."

He nodded. "Well…I don't know if you ever heard it…but James…he worried about me…being so dark. He hated the notion I had a different father than him. He wanted us to be blood and if anyone said anything about my skin well he'd nearly kill 'em. That's what he got sent up for…fighting. So he worried I'd take up with you because of the rumors."

"What rumors."

"About Naomi being part of your family."

"I don't care what people say."

"Well James," he laughed a little, "he knew I had a huge…a crush…on you and to him it was like my blackness calling to yours." He laughed again. "He was jealous. He…sees me as his."

"I don't have any blackness…I mean…you know. I'm dark like my Mama was. You're not going to defend him, I hope."

"I'm not. I'm not defending him. I'm just telling you."

"So Tanya being a blonde must have been a great relief for him."

Edward didn't argue that.

"He insisted I was Italian and not African. It's been his mission to defend me from the color of my skin." He sighed.

"That's pretty sick."

"The best thing I could do to take you out of it was to stop seeing you. That day I walked in there and he had you…I saw how it was. I made it my goal to not see you…not look at you…not talk to you…until it was my habit. Once I forgot about you…he did. But…I never did forget about you. I never could. When Paul said he'd talked to Charlie…this was to punish me for breaking with…everything. Everyone knows Charlie is an asshole…. But I was curious…after all this time. I didn't know if you'd be around. But that first day you were there. And I let myself really…see you…first time in…a long time."

"And?"

"I…still have the crush." He squeezed me and laughed some.

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know."

I wanted him to say more, but he didn't.

"Edward…are you going to Vietnam to get away from James?"

He looked away from me then. "I'm going because I have a low number."

"You're going somewhere he can't follow."

"He needs to learn to live without me. I can't keep…."

I nodded. "And what about…what are we?"

He looked at me. "I…can't stay away from you. I've…just tried to be a friend like we said before."

"Is it more?"

"You just cried all over me because I said I'm going to Nam." He smiled and ran his finger over my cheek.

"For you? Is it more than friends?"

"I don't kiss my friends…Bella."

We looked at one another. I didn't try to fix what I let him see in my eyes. I'd never been confused about him.

"I just…I don't know where I'll end up. I'm going away. And I'm already hurting you."

"I don't care. I'm used to you being…otherwise occupied."

He laughed a little. "I'm so sorry."

"This is worse than Tanya though. This…."

"Shhh," he said, his finger on my lips. "It's not easy to think of leaving you. I can't afford to think it's impossible. I'd have to ask you to wait. That's not fair. You don't even agree with what I'm going to do. I…can't tie you down like that. You need to be free to date someone…go to prom. You're smart…you should go to school. I'm afraid you've already waited for me. I…I don't want to know. Don't tell me."

"It's always been you. Always."

His forehead dropped to mine. "Bella what are you doing to me?"

"Seeing you…everyday seeing you. You were with her…her…and I knew…I always knew…and you wouldn't even look at me…and I knew…I loved you. I love you now. I will always love you."

"Oh God, don't…Bella…Bella," he crashed his lips to mine and I kissed him with all of my love behind it…finally letting him know…finally letting it out. But we didn't kiss for long because of crying and breathing, and he held me, and I clung to him, and he stroked my hair and we sat there for a long time, we sat there wrapped in one another while we could. We sat there.


	12. Chapter 12

Finding My Thunder 12

Charlie had not come home at all on Thursday night. I had barely made it home myself before the sun came up. I had sat with Edward in the purple car, wrapped in ourselves, the future held away by this joy we had created. And it was like Naomi told me so many times, there could be joy and sadness together, that one did not obliterate the other. Well she was right. I knew that now. I felt them both.

Friday morning Edward had wanted to pick me up for work but I said no. I wanted to walk, to try and slip in the shop after they were busy. I did not know how it would be with Charlie but I was determined to pick up where I'd left off.

I fed Sooner and started to walk, tried to get used to not having the pull I always felt, the tether to Mama and my responsibility for her. To think she did not exist, that I did not have to hurry, that no one waited, that no one breathed in that house, it was such a foreign notion.

I pictured her in the water, held…held. Other arms around her…not mine to care for.

I nearly walked into the street without looking I was so deep in thought. A car slammed on its brakes right in front of me. Before that could settle there was the screaming voice and the driver out of her car. The passenger, Lauren, glared at me through the window.

Tanya crossed the front of her blue Mustang and charged up to me.

I heard Edward's name but I couldn't understand the words. Then she spit in my face and I hated spit more than anything. I wiped at it with my hand and felt the wet and pulled the bandana off my hair and wiped my face and hand. She was still yelling, her teeth so straight and white, her eyes filled with contempt. She slapped me and then she hit me and more words. I backed away.

Lauren was out of the car holding Tanya and trying to calm her down. Pain was making its way through and my cheek stung and my arm ached. I started to hear then, hear words and I realized she was accusing me of taking Edward.

Lauren comforted Tanya, who was now sobbing and collapsing. Lauren was cursing me too in-between. Another car pulled behind Tanya's then sped around them and laid on the horn. A woman came out on her porch and told us to stop fighting and get in that car and go or she was calling the police.

Tanya was pretty much slumped in the gutter with Lauren trying to get her up. They wore their matching cheerleading suits. I just stood there trying to take a breath and believe it was happening.

Finally Lauren got Tanya onto her feet and put her in the passenger's seat. She walked to the other side and before she got in the car she said, "You're gonna pay for this, bitch."

They pulled off, Tanya bent over, all that blond hair pressed against the window. I looked after them, glaring tail-lights speeding away.

Then I remembered to cross the street. I stumbled along and slowly came back to myself as I got closer to the shop. I threw my bandana away. I didn't want it now. I smoothed over my braided hair and took a breath finally, before I went in the shop door.

They were all working. Charlie was explaining something to Riley. He looked at me then back to what he was doing.

Edward hadn't noticed yet, his back was to me. I went to the desk and sat down. My legs felt weak. I was so tired of a sudden, I didn't know if I could think. The careful piles I'd left were rummaged through and it looked like a big paper bird had been murdered and plucked on this desk.

I felt through all the mess and found the ledger sheets I'd tallied the accounts on. I set these aside then started to re-segregate the piles.

Before long I felt a tug on my braid. It was Riley. "Hey Miss Bella…how you doin' this mornin' darlin'?"

I didn't know. I saw his eyes go to my cheek.

"I…I need my time card," he said.

I took care of that. He put the time he'd got there and handed it back to me. "Smile pretty girl," he whispered and he went back to work.

Edward was looking at me now. He waved and smiled.

I noticed Charlie busy in the back so I waved. But Edward straightened from what he was doing and raised his open hand as if asking me what was wrong.

When I turned away I could hardly concentrate. I sat there holding the next piece of paper for I don't know how long before I caught myself doing it.

Her face up close to me, her gnarled beauty and the hate spewing from her pink mouth. Black bitch whore, she'd called me. It's like I heard it now, first time, on a tape in my head.

Such rage. Shiny and broken-hearted. I didn't know if things had ever gone so wrong in her world before. She wasn't having it. And not from me, insult to injury.

She had looked me up and down, shocked I was this, skinny and dark and dumb in her eyes. To have to face me, on her way to cheerleading practice…and I had nothing to do with what had happened between her and Edward. But now she had something…someone to blame.

They were the oppressors Naomi would tell me I had to care about. The ones whose immoral treatment I must not receive…must not reflect…lest I lower the bar for all humankind. What a burden to bear.

I turned a bit and looked at Edward grinding away on a piece of metal, sparks shooting toward the ceiling like fireworks. He was Edward Cullen. The tree in the garden I must not touch. Or else.

What was he doing here? What was he doing with me? He'd gone in to them, entered their fold, shooting sparks. He had conquered. In their minds, they owned him…he was them.

They were a year ahead of me at school, a year behind Edward. I'd be on my own with them come fall. And James. He'd be home in January. He'd finish the second half of his senior year. What about James?

I had crossed lines…all my life. But I'd been a kid, and I guess I didn't realize I'd grow up some day and the same choices would come to me as came to everyone and I'd have to choose and I'd have to pay. That's what Edward already knew. He'd thrown himself against every obstacle and he kept breaking through, he kept going. Now the war. He'd throw himself there too the way he ran off the quarry cliff or through the goal line on the field we'd laid on last night. He said he didn't run.

I said he ran from me. But not last night. Hit the cymbals, blare the horn, light the M-80's. We'd been seen.

And now I was meeting the gatekeepers. They were all around me, pointing out the boundaries I'd ignored…Daddy…Tanya and James…even Edward telling me about duty to country…Naomi telling me the way to heaven…and my own fear…my own Mama in me.

They were walking those lines and telling me to get back. And I would have to decide right here, right now, who I was going to be, how I was going to live. There would be a price for whatever road I took. And I knew how I felt, but was it enough? I didn't even understand what I was. What was I?

It was slow going at that desk. I didn't make much progress. I couldn't seem to keep my mind nailed to the task. I was drifting in my thoughts…so many things pulling.

It was lunch time and Charlie left without speaking to me. Maybe he was still mad about his whiskey. Or me not telling him I'd be acting white from here on.

Soon as he was gone, Edward was there pulling up a chair as close as he could. "Hey. How you doin'?"

Riley asked if we wanted to come to Mac's and Edward said, "No," really quick over his shoulder, like dismissing Riley.

Riley wasn't having it and he threw a workglove at Edward and Edward turned around and said, "We ain't comin', man."

"Can't she speak for herself?" Riley said pointing at me.

"I'm…not coming. But thank-you," I said.

He nodded then. "Want me to bring you something? You look like you could use something."

"She's fine," Edward said. "I can get it."

I looked at Edward but he paid me no mind he was in this stare-match with Riley.

I said to Riley. "I'm fine, thank you. Well, maybe a Coke."

I stood up and dug in my pocket, but Edward stood and dug in his and tried to hand Riley fifty cents before I could get my money out. Riley looked at him and ignored his money and said, "I've got it," and he left.

"Damn hippie," Edward said. Then he sat again and pulled my chair against his open knees. "What's wrong with your face? It looks swollen." He turned me a little like he was seeking more light.

I put my hand there and it was tender. "I…don't get upset."

"About your mom?" He whispered.

I shook my head.

"Did Charlie hit you?" he looked upset.

"No. Tanya."

"What?"

I told him how I remembered it. I told him she spit in my face.

It's like I punched him. He called her a bitch and kept apologizing. He had tears in his eyes from anger. He looked at my arm right away but the red was gone.

"That's assault," he said. "I can't believe she did that. Don't worry…I'm goin' over there as soon as I'm off here. Don't you worry. It won't happen again. And she has to know about your mom. I can't believe she would do this. How did she…we ain't even had a date yet and you're getting…!" He sprang onto his feet and started to pace.

I stood up too. "Someone saw us. Your car…well James' car…they know it."

He kept looking at me and shaking his head. "Fuck," he whispered. "I…fuck." He took steps away rubbing the back of his neck. He turned back to me quick. "This is my fault. You got to go to school with them. And James…I won't be here to help you. This is all my fault. I knew it. I always knew it."

"Don't. Don't blame yourself. You had no part in what she did."

"It's my fault. It's completely my fault. You think I didn't know this might happen? I put you in this."

"Don't," I said. I didn't like what he was saying, how it made me fill with dread. But he wouldn't look at me so I fell back into the chair.

He hurried to me and had his hands on the arms of my chair but he couldn't hold my gaze. He tucked his chin into his shoulder and closed his eyes.

"Edward," I said, but he wouldn't look at me.

Finally he did. "I'm so sorry, Bella." His dark eyes were breaking me.

"I'm not. So stop it."

He touched my swollen cheek. "I never wanted to bring you trouble. I've been so careful not to. I thought…." He shook his head and pushed off and stood. He turned and went to the back of the shop and out the door.

I heard James' car start up and I ran out onto the sidewalk. He pulled out of the alley into the street and passed where I stood. He didn't look at me.

"Bella?" It was Charlie walking back with a six-pack in brown paper under his arm. "Where's he taking off for?"

I didn't answer.

"Why you looking after him like that? What's going on with you?"

He had never asked me that. Never once had he wondered what went on in my life. I didn't answer him but went back in the shop and he followed me in there.

"You know anything about my beer money missing?"

He meant the cup on top of the refrigerator. I dug in my pocket for two of the dollars Naomi's flock had given me at Mama's burial. I reached behind and held them toward him until he grabbed them from my hand.

"Don't you ever touch that money. That's where me and the boys put our beer money." Well he went on and on and I sat hard in the chair and moved it side to side and I stared at the papers.

"Charlie," I said finally because he was still ranting about me and that money.

"What?" he snapped.

"They are going to shut off the electric at home. You got forty dollars in your checking here and I know this is payday. You think you could go talk to the match company for the money they owe? Even old Mac still owes for the sink you fixed. You think you could go ask about them paying on their bills?"

"What you doin' lookin' into my money?"

I shook my head.

He kept studying me, chewing the inside of his cheek. "Don't you think you're ever gonna tell me what to do," he said.

"No sir," I said, cause it didn't matter, we just needed the money. I kept telling myself to stay calm.

Charlie didn't know what to do with my politeness so he took his beer to the back to put it in the box. Then he came walking forward. "I'm gonna tell you somethin' and I don't want to hear a word about it. But…I know a woman who can help me…she's a good woman. Now…it ain't up to you…and I don't want to hear a word…cause I did right by Renee…I waited and lived a long time with her walkin' around like a ghost…."

I just kept staring at him. I was asking God to show up and give me a break, but I didn't expect anything really.

"There is someone who can help. I ain't payin' to run some big empty house. I have had this on me ever since I come out of the war…no one to help me…carrying everything. Things are gonna change now and you ain't gonna give me trouble. That old lady had that house tied up so tight I couldn't get anything out of it. But that's gonna change with her gone. It's all gonna get opened up now."

I kept staring.

"You are nearly grown…and you was more hers anyway. Didn't it seem so?"

I stared.

"If you wanted to go on and move back with that one…well I wouldn't stop you. I know I said some things yesterday in the truck I might of shouldn't said. But you don't know what it's been like for me. So…you go on and move back with that one and I'll leave you'ins alone. And you…should do likewise. And you don't have to come in here at all. You just…go on and be with her. You can finish up today…them piles you like to mess with…then you can go on home and get your things and…like I said."

He went back to work then and I was sitting there moving side to side in the chair.

Riley brought me my Coke and smiled at me and he said, "You okay?"

And I smiled back. "Sure," I said. "Thank you."

I held the cold bottle to my cheek. It felt nice. But it felt even nicer when I threw that bottle through Charlie's big plate glass window and glass fell to the sidewalk like brimstone might. If God cared.


	13. Chapter 13

Finding My Thunder 13

Riley got between Charlie and me. I was as surprised as they were that I'd thrown the bottle. But when I saw the glass shatter, heard it, I felt kind of fascinated.

Charlie was going apeshit, batshit, crapshit, yelling and gesturing. But I only saw him on the sidelines, the thing was the window and the Coca-Cola splattered on the sidewalk, its own kind of art covered with diamonds, its own kind of protest. 'Hell no, I won't go.'

We had so little and now we were going to destroy what was left. Well…he was trying to destroy me and I had broken a window.

Morris came from the shop next door. He thought it was one of the coloreds rising up throwing a molotov cocktail, I heard him say. "Why would you do such a thing?" he asked me.

But before Charlie burst a vessel, before he went insane there was something else in his face, in his eyes, just a flash…a knowing. He was afraid. He was afraid of her in me.

"I'll drive her home," Riley said over and over.

Officer Bixby was there and he asked me if I was hurt. He asked me what happened.

"I threw the bottle," I said.

"Maybe a night in jail is what she needs," Charlie said.

Riley protested. He said to cool down, man, I had just lost my mother. Well, that explained everything they guessed.

And before I knew it I was in Riley's truck and we were driving down the road. The Ballad of the Green Berets was playing on the radio. He said, "Shit," and fumbled with the knob, turning the station to 96 Tears.

He didn't say anything at first until we got off the square. Then he let out a big, "Ooooweee."

I looked at him like he was the crazy one, but I had to laugh, too. Then he opened the ashtray and took out a joint. I'd seen such at school, a show and tell in the girl's john, not around the sink-sitters, God fobid, but in the back corner, where the girls sat and talked open about the boys they planned to screw over the weekend.

He lit that twisted little stick and the air filled with the pungent smell of burning plants that had dried and gone rotten.

He offered it to me and the first time I said, "No thanks," then he offered it again and told me how to do it and I did.

I said, "Can you take me to the cemetery?" And he did.

As soon as he entered that winding road amongst the tombstones I was looking for that fresh mound of soil. He took another hit of that and then me, and when I let it out he said, "You high?"

I said, "No." Another big deal that didn't feel like nothing.

He parked and I got out and walked slow to Mama's plot.

I dropped to my knees where Mama rested. I guess I was trying to believe it. She never liked closed in places, unless she put herself there, closets and corners and under drapes and beds.

I stood slowly and dusted my knees. Riley was walking toward me. He was shirtless and his feet were bare. He was holding a bottle of wine now. Ripple.

He held it toward me and offered it. I had a flash of communion at Naomi's church, The Temple of Healing and Hope. That's the last time I'd been offered wine and that was grape juice. The cap was already off of Riley's bottle. I shook my head.

"There's some old markers in that far corner. Civil War and shit," he said. He drank straight from the bottle and a purple drip ran from the corner of his mouth and dripped onto his chest. He was like, very full grown. Where Edward was just beautiful, Riley was frightening. His naked just looked more naked.

This time when he offered, I took it and gagged down a swallow. He laughed at that, and I did too. I took a couple more swallows just to get back on that horse and all.

We walked around then. We noted anyone who died young, especially children. I made a speech about how unfair it was…death and I thought I was saying profound things. Well, Riley was impressed enough to keep saying, "Really heavy, Mama. Speak for the people. Speak."

We kept drinking. We found the old markers, chalky and at odd angles. It was some time before we grew tired of that because I got stuck at one, Marybell Williams who died at age thirteen in 1952 the same year I was born. There was a picture on her tombstone and she looked a little bit like Sandra Dee. Well I thought so, but Riley didn't. I was crying pretty hard and going on about it.

He dragged me away from there as I took to laying on the grave and railing at the Lord. But then we found a grave, still pretty fresh, the ground sunken in. It was a guy Riley went to school with and he was pretty shocked. "This is Sukie Boyd," he said. "I knew him. Yeah…I heard he was wounded. He died, man. That's three I know personally, just me, and a dozen more someone else knows or was related to."

So we spent time there and I told him all the reasons why I hated the war and Edward couldn't go, and he agreed, he said Edward couldn't go. I said he had to go to Canada and he agreed, yeah man he needs to get on the peace train.

We were quiet for a while, him on Sukie's grave leaning on the stone while he killed off the Ripple then poured the last few drops on Sukie's grave. Then I was on a mission to find anymore who'd died in Vietnam.

But after a while Riley got on his feet and called me off that mission. He said it was a bad scene and he didn't want to talk about Vietnam anymore. Pretty soon he pushed me and said I was it. We set homebase at a big tree and the one who wasn't it had to reach the tree before getting tagged. So he hid his eyes and I took off running so he couldn't catch me. I sprinted toward a crypt with a crying angel on top. It was the fanciest grave in here.

Riley finished counting but he couldn't see me other side of that tomb. I watched and he disappeared, but I figured I'd go for it cause he was pretty wasted and he probably went toward the road.

So I took off and I tripped a couple of times but I caught myself and he was no where. I was laughing as I ran toward that tree and I nearly reached it. I was under it and he dropped down out of the branches and landed right in front of me growling. I screamed and ran the other way, screaming so loud I couldn't stop, screaming to wake the dead.

I went spilling and he vaulted over me and fell, too. If someone was watching they'd see two crazy people and I hadn't laughed like this, not ever even though I'd scraped my hands.

I looked up from a vacuum of my own crazy sounds and there was Edward's purple car. Edward was sitting in the driver's side watching us.

I got on my feet quick and called to him, "Edward…it was so funny." He got out and slammed the door.

"Hey brother," Riley said, still on the ground.

Edward didn't answer but he walked toward us with purpose. "He's the most beautiful thing," I said, and Riley guffawed.

"Where's your shirt?" Edward said to Riley.

"In my truck, man."

I was trying to tell Edward how Riley had dropped out of the tree.

"Bella…I came to take you home. Why don't you come with me and get in the car?"

"Well, I will, but what about Riley?"

"Riley can get himself home," Edward said. "He doesn't want to be late for the love-in."

Riley thought this was funny. "Hey man…Bella says you're going to Nam. You can't do that, man. That shit is fucked. Guess who is buried right over there," he pointed to the north corner, "Sukie Boyd, man, Allstate 1961 to the graveyard man via Vietnam. Don't go there, man."

"Yeah…thanks for the enlightenment. You're like…what? Thirty?"

"Twenty-five," Riley said.

"You got like ten years on her man."

"I'll be sixteen in a week," I said but they weren't listening.

"We were just having fun," Riley said.

"Don't you have a kid back in the commune?" Edward said.

"It's all good, brother. Me and the little mama were groovin' around just hangin' out. It's cool."

"Bella, you coming?"

"I am," I said, eager to be with him and also wondering why he was so serious. Things were better now. Things were good.

I straightened my clothes, my jeans and my shirt, and threw my braid over my shoulder.

Riley didn't seem inclined to leave yet. He sat up and rubbed his hand through his thick blonde hair. "Bella…come here I want to tell you something."

"I'll be right there," I said to Edward. He looked crabby like he wasn't too happy, but Riley had been a good friend and I didn't just want to walk away. Edward stood there and folded his arms. He wasn't going to give Riley any privacy. I went back to hear Riley out.

"Bella," he said, "don't stay home alone and get sad. I mean…at my house…you can come and stay as long as you want. There's always someone there, you know? It's a mellow place. You ever need someone, little mama, you call me or just come out, you know?"

"Thanks," I said.

"I lost my mom when I was eighteen. It's hard at first…but it gets better. There's lots of ways to find some comfort, girl. Don't suffer…you know?"

This was his effort to console and I was touched, even though it all had a seedy overtone. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Only this wasn't joy and sorrow, this was crazy and sorrow. "Thanks," I said.

"Bella…come on," Edward said.

Riley had a nice smile. I wondered how he had survived Charlie all these years. He was so laid back and goofy, possibly always high in that he never sobered up enough before he was 'comforting' himself again.

"Don't stay in the cemetery by yourself," I said. "Sun's going down. We're the only ones in here still on the top."

He laughed at that. "Damn girl, that's heavy."

I waved to him and followed after Edward. He held my door for me and I got in and he slammed it shut. Then he walked around the front and got in. I smiled at him and he looked away.

"Are you mad?" I asked.

"No," he said. "Just…I thought you had some sense of caution…self preservation…something. You need to forget everything he just said," Edward said. "You don't ever want to go to his pad. Not ever. Promise me."

His hair was already getting longer. It figured that God, being such an artist, would have a variety of work. There was the waterfall south of Ludicrous, then there was Niagra Falls, for example.

I lit a cigarette and pulled that smoke into my lungs, letting it out slow. "You are God's Niagra," I told Edward.

I passed him the cigarette I was holding and he took a drag. "You are the strangest girl. How long you been out here with him?"

I guessed Riley was leaving cause I heard his truck start up somewhere behind us."

"Since I had to leave the shop. The…window."

"I saw that. Charlie is really pissed. What happened?"

"I don't know exactly. He…said some stuff and next I knew…I just threw my Coca-Cola right through the window." I had decided to rebraid my hair and my fingers were moving fast.

Edward leaned closer to me looking deep into my eyes as Riley's truck swung around us and he honked the horn. "Your pupils…did that asshole get you high?"

I pulled my face back a little. "I got free will," I reminded him.

"What was it? He give you pills? That damn hippie. I'm gonna…." He hit the steering wheel with the heels of his hands. Then he got all determined and started the car.

I said, "No pills."

We were driving pretty fast and I was moving around on the seat. He stopped before he pulled onto the two-lane. He looked at me for a minute. "Come here," he said.

I scooted beside him, but I left a gap between us. I just didn't know what he expected.

He put the car into drive. The Mama's and the Papa's were singing Monday, Monday from the radio.

"What am I going to do about you?" he said, so serious. Nothing like Riley. Just…serious.

"I don't…what do you want to do?" I whispered.

His long fingers were moving hair off my face. Then he looked at my lips. "You mean that…about loving me?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"I…don't want you goin' off with other guys like you did with him."

"I wasn't. Not like that."

"I mean…goin' off with some old hippie…."

"He's nice," I made the mistake of saying.

"Bella…he's a bum. He would get you drunk or high or pregnant, or all of them if he could. And he'd be a great guy about it…a big smile and you could hang at his commune with the rest of the bums and live off of lentils. Promise me you'll stay away from him and…I wish I could wrap you in cellophane and just…put you away until I get back." He ran his hand over his face and broke out in a laugh then said, "Shit."

I laughed at that and got up on my knees and put my hands on his shoulders pushing him. "That sounds like you want to kill me."

He laughed a little more and wrapped his arms around my waist and I cradled his head against my stomach. It was nice like that, me over him. He settled me and stirred me all at once.

"Look…Bella…I'm going to enlist. I'm going to take some control. I can't stand this waiting. I'm going in and getting it over with. Then…you'll be graduating by the time it's over. Even before that. And maybe…I don't know…but…."

I pulled back and sat slow, looking at him. "You're crying."

"No. Shit. It's just everything," he stared straight ahead, and I put my hand on his chin and tried to turn his face my way, but he resisted. He wouldn't look at me. "When I got back and saw that window…I didn't know what happened…and you weren't home again…just like yesterday I couldn't find you…and I made myself think…and when I saw you with him…he wasn't wearing…and I thought for a minute maybe you and him…maybe…and…."

"I wouldn't," I whispered.

He grabbed the hand I'd put on his cheek. "I'm…I don't know what it is…I feel like…protective…."

"Don't go."

He held my hand on his leg and looked at me. "Men go to war, Bella. Even the two biggest assholes in the world went to war." He had to mean Charlie and Paul. "It's like I already told you, part of me feels like it's my duty to go. I may be wrong…I may regret it. I don't even know if I agree or don't. But this is my country. And there's a war. And I'm going. I'm not going to run away to someone else's country and lose my right to live here. I'm not going to hide out in school or the reserves. I'm going to sign up and do my stint. I don't relate to those guys talking on the television. They're college guys who like to stir shit. I get the guy who does his duty…who doesn't talk it death…who just does it. That's me."

We stared at each other. I swallowed hard. I was breathing like I'd run a mile or something. I'd said I loved him. "What…do you want me to do?"

"I can't ask you to wait," he said, but it seemed like that's exactly what he was asking.

I moved closer still. I touched the hair over his ear, the longing just this simple act inspired took my breath. "Last night you told me you didn't want to know but…I always have. I've always waited."

"Bella," he whispered his thumb grazing my cheek. "I told you I don't have any right…."

"You're all I want."

"You could get hurt. We can't let anyone know. Not until I'm back."

"I don't care."

"You'd miss everything…dances…dates…other boyfriends. You'd miss it all."

"The only thing I have ever missed…is you."

He laughed a little. He pulled me against himself and kissed my forehead, my nose and finally my mouth and I was suspended in this euphoria. He was so tender. Then he said my name, "Bella," he said. And the beautiful timbre of his voice wrapped around those five letters and seeped into me like music.

I had my eyes closed and felt this soft surrender in myself, open for whatever he wanted, whatever he needed. He crushed me against him and my mouth met his and he kissed me and kissed me. And wonderful as that was…it was what he whispered as his lips moved over my face and down my neck in a crushed voice, a broken voice, "I need you."


	14. Chapter 14

Finding My Thunder 14

On the way home from the cemetery, Edward said his mom wanted him to make a trip to the boy's farm the next day. They had too many children for her to get away, so it fell to him to build the bridge between home and James. It was one hundred and twenty miles away. This Saturday was the first time James could have visitors since being admitted. He was having trouble adjusting and made quick and desperate phone calls home every chance he got. So any money they could send went for that and there was no stopping him apparently and he had begged Edward to come, threatening to run away if he didn't.

So by the time we reached our street, Edward asked me if I would go with him. I was trying not to fall asleep, leaning against him holding tightly to his arm.

I felt pretty exhausted. I had only buried Mama and gotten drunk twice and high too in the space of not even two days.

Not to mention declaring my love for Edward and him pretty much doing the same.

I could barely wrap my mind around a journey but wherever he went in this time we had I wanted to go too. So I told him yes.

He had pulled to the alley behind my house which pretty much put us in Naomi's yard. He wanted to ask her permission for me to go with him otherwise, he said it would be kidnapping. Her car was there.

"She's never going to go along," I told him, much as I wanted to leave this town in the rearview as I sat beside him.

"I'm pretty good with parents," he said getting out and holding the door for me.

"How do I look?" I said knowing I was a sight after rolling around that graveyard.

He looked me up and down and nodded. He didn't say but I knew.

So I led him around back onto the porch and into the kitchen. She was in the front room talking on the telephone. I pointed he should sit at the chrome table and I went to the refrigerator for the jug of ice water. I was sick to my stomach from all the illegal substance I'd taken in. I got out two jelly glasses and filled one for Edward, one for me. I was just sitting across from him when she got off the phone and called my name.

"It's me," I said and in she came. She took in the two of us, and grinned big, but I saw it in her eyes, the 'look what we got now.'

"Hello Edward," she said.

He rose up a little and said, "Miss Blue."

"Now you sit," she said. She was in her black cotton print dress and her pink scuffy house shoes that she wore the minute she got in here. I knew her feet hurt her all the time, corns, bunions and arthritis and she walked about a hundred miles a day tending her flock over in Snyder Town and the goats and wolves around them, too.

She had a million questions for me. Yes, I had been to work with Charlie and no, I didn't need a ride to the cemetery for I had just been. Edward had taken me. I left out Riley and the toke and the Ripple, of course.

Well, she was concerned about me, I looked tired. Had I slept and why didn't I sleep here tonight? And I said I hoped to sleep in the house cause I didn't have time to tell her how Charlie wanted me to move out and in with her permanent. I didn't even want to bring that up. I was too busy trying to get out of town with Edward.

She didn't seem to know about the window, and that was good. If she went to town she'd find out, or someone would bring it to her, the story. But right now she hadn't heard. So she was asking if I ate and I said I hadn't and she said why didn't I go get some of that funeral food and bring it there?

And I said, "Yes ma'am, that would be fine," but I didn't want to leave Edward there. I asked him to help and he waved me off and said he needed to speak with Naomi. I raised my brows and moved behind her where she sat and shook my head at him to let him know I didn't want him trying to talk to her without me. But he wouldn't budge off he just looked away and told her his mama was fine, cause she had asked and he was using that to lead in to the rest cause he said, that's what he wanted to ask her about. His mama was worried about his brother James.

Well I was kind of stuck there, and Naomi turned in her chair and said, "Go on then," seeming just as eager to get rid of me as he was.

I was against this and I glared at him before I went out just to let him know, not that he seemed to care. At all.

So I went out and there was no good place to try and listen. I ran back to my house and fed Sooner and got out the leftovers and took what I could put in one of the boxes they'd used to bring them to us in the first place and I practically ran that fried chicken and potato salad and jello and ham and beans and greens and cornbread all the way back. I was out of breath when I got there.

I had interrupted something. She was leaned toward him and he was setting back and you could cut the air with a machete or something it was that thick with what went on.

I put the box on the counter and turned to look at them but he was looking down and she was looking at him. She eased back some and her hands were folded on the table. I started to unpack the box and set the bowls on the table and he finally looked up at me. She wouldn't look but was staring at her hands. Once I had the food out I got plates and forks.

"There is iced tea in the refrigerator," she said and well I knew that from when I got the water, but I fetched that now and sat it amongst the food and got her a glass and I sat.

"Let us pray," she said bowing her head. I figured we were in for a long one. "Thank you for this food, Lord. Amen."

I wasn't sure I heard right. I slowly lifted my head and looked at her. She was still pretty much ignoring me, putting food on her plate, making sure everyone got everything. I shot a look to Edward, raising my brows and making my eyes big as I could.

"What?" he said.

He was not this dense. She did look at me then and I said, "Pass the ham." But it was right by me, but she didn't argue. She picked up the plate and I took it and pretty much set it back where it was. I took a slice but I didn't want it. I set it on my plate next to the bright green Jello that had celery in it. I couldn't have imagined anything more revolting.

"Bella," Naomi said, cutting her ham into triangles, "Edward here has asked me about the trip tomorrow."

My fork had been on its way to my open mouth, but it kind of hung there now.

"I have told him you may go."

I couldn't believe it.

"He knows you're only fifteen," she said and same time I whispered, "Sixteen…almost."

"…how young you are," she continued, "…and he understands I am in the role of guardian until you are of age."

I had not heard it expressed so formerly before, but if I answered to anyone, it was always her.

"He assures me there will be no alcohol and he will drive the speed limit. He says he is a good driver and after watching him on that bicycle for so many years I can believe it," she said smiling at him.

He smiled back, then looked smugly at me.

"He will treat you as a lady, of course. He has told me that he's fixin' to go in the army and he wants to get his brother on a better track. So I will be in prayer and he is to get you home at a decent time so you can get a good night's rest for church on Sunday morning…which he is coming to as well…and he is to bring a chaperone with you all on your journey tomorrow…a little brother he said. And I will phone his mother this evening and we will speak. And that is all." She beamed at me.

I already knew there were parts of this I didn't like. It took me a few seconds to identify them and make a list: little brother, Edward coming to church, Naomi calling Edward's mother.

"I agree with Edward that a nice long drive into the country will be refreshing. I'll pack the rest of this food up and you all can have a nice lunch on the way." She did that big smile at me again.

So it was that she and Edward talked all through the meal and he made her laugh and I was pretty sure she was so taken with him she'd of gone to the boy's farm with us if he'd asked. Then I thought about it…about Jacob, and I knew Edward stirred that wound in her. Oh, he'd be older now had he lived…but when he died he was not much older than Edward. And Edward just got more beautiful and overpowering in a small space like a house or a car, and in here he lit it up, lit her up, and me…I hadn't been the same since that one night I'd met him at the streetlamp. That summer night I'd gone down there and they were telling ghost stories and it was my turn and I told about the hookman and the other two kids told me to stop and Edward said, "No, let her tell it." And I did, and James straddled his bike and he took off but I knew he was scared and Edward got closer, sat on the ground by me, just me and him left, and he wanted to know how that hookman lost his arm, and I told him some big story and he studied it out, studied me and Mama came then, a good night, a good summer, and her hair washed and I was proud and Edward said, "That was a good story."

And he took off and Mama walked me home and she said, "Boys like that are nothing but trouble. You stay away from him."

And I looked after Edward and him and James circled around and came back by and Edward popped a wheelie and James did too but he fell over and cursed and got back on and went after Edward and I felt that hot night air move with excitement.


	15. Chapter 15

Finding My Thunder 15

I was barely up, running around after my shower, barely able to think of what to wear when Edward pulled in front of the house and honked. My long skirt. It had been Mama's and I took it in to fit me. It had a cool blue geometric pattern. And a sleeveless white blouse. I just left my hair down but I took a rubberband and my leather thing with the stick that poked through it to hold my hair up if need be. I took some cut-off shorts because who knows. I stuck a book in my back, To Kill a Mockingbird cause it never got old and stuck my feet in my flip flops.

When Mama was in the hospital Edward had bought a big bag of dogfood and it set on the porch and I could feed Sooner out of that and it was so convenient I thanked Edward everytime I filled her bowl from it, which I did now. Then I closed the door but I didn't lock it. I never did. Charlie hadn't come home last night. I tried to push it all out of my mind as I hurried to Edward's car.

He sat in front, so handsome it made the breath leave my throat. He wore jeans and the white T-shirt with the V neck. It had a hole or two and I just loved it. And behind, hanging over the front seat was a lighter little brother, our chaperone.

"Bella, this is Dickens," Edward said as I got in.

Dickens was a little cutie. But he looked a little like a punk. He had long bangs that swooped over one eye.

I'd seen him before. Edward's brothers lived in the street during the summer.

"Hey," I said.

He sat back quick and flushed red.

"Can't you say hello?" Edward asked him as he started the car.

"Am I allowed to?" he asked. I guessed they had words. I smiled at Dickens and he turned away and looked out the window but he was smiling.

"My dad is Charlie," I said to the boy. "Do you know…Charlie…Dickens?"

Edward laughed.

"It's not that Dickens," the boy said.

"Hey," Edward said checking Dickens in the mirror because he'd spoken with a punkish tone.

"My name is Richard," the boy said, "and my dad always wanted a Dick but seein' he didn't have one…."

"Okay," Edward said stern turning around and taking a swat at his brother.

Dickens thought this was funny.

"Oh so you're a dick, yeah I get that," I said.

"Hey," Dickens said to Edward, "you laugh at her," cause Edward did laugh.

Edward checked the mirror and pulled into the street. "My mom doesn't curse. Ever. But she always says she's going to beat the dickens out of…whoever. Especially to this one. So we call him Dickens…."

"Because Dad's the dick," he said.

"Because Paul and his whole generation don't seem to realize no one wants to be named Dick," Edward said louder. "Now shut it."

"I don't shut up, I throw up and if you don't like it you can lick it up," Dickens said.

Edward pulled quick to the curb and got out and yanked the back door open and grabbed Dickens by the arm and pulled him out. "That's it," he said. "You're not goin'."

Dickens fought against Edward and tried to get back in so they tussled and Edward easily threw him away. Dickens landed on his butt and sprang back up and tried to get around Edward again and get in the backseat. They yelled some, Dickens saying he was going, and Edward saying he wasn't and he needed to go home.

Dickens appealed to me. "Tell him to let me go. Mom said." All hints of trying to be a punk were gone. He looked like any other eleven year old kid only desperate.

I figured I best stay out of it. He was an annoying kid and being an only child I wasn't used to putting up with someone like him. I didn't think I wanted to. No, I knew I didn't. But I did feel sorry for him.

"If I told Mom what you said to Bella she'd put soap in your mouth," Edward said.

"I wasn't saying it to her. I said it about Paul," Dickens yelled.

"Nope. I ain't takin' some screaming baby. You get on home."

Edward got back in the car and Dickens was hanging on his door crying and angry. "Come on, you said I could go. I want to go."

Edward started to pull away. Dickens wouldn't let go. Edward pried his hands off and sped away. Dickens took off running after us.

"Edward…," I said.

Edward watched him in the mirror. "Just wait. I got it," he said.

Edward stopped at the corner and sat there until Dickens was close. I thought he was going to pull away as soon as the boy reached us, but he didn't. He waited there and Dickens opened the backdoor and fell in. Edward was starting to move forward when the kid slammed the door. He fell back onto the seat winded.

"Oh you comin' along?" Edward said. "I guess I don't have to tell you to behave."

I looked back and Dickens was panting but he nodded.

"That's good," Edward said. Then he turned the radio on and The Beatles were singing We Can Work It Out.


	16. Chapter 16

Finding My Thunder 16

Edward liked to pick up hitchhikers. The first time he did it it was a guy and his girl traveling over the summer. They were following some of the big war protests scheduled in the big cities all over this land. They planned to end in D. C. in October.

The guy wanted to know if we wanted to drop some Mescaline with them when they got to the river.

"No," Edward said. "Don't be doing that in my car."

The guy said, "That's cool, man."

They were headed to the river to camp. Edward took them about twenty miles down the highway and dropped them off in one of the towns.

"Those were some real hippies," Dickens said.

It was only ten miles later we pulled into a gas station to use the restroom and when I came out to the car Edward was talking to an older man who held a paper bag. That man got into the back seat and Dickens scrambled over the front to sit between Edward and me. The guy had a flat-top and wore tan workpants and a t-shirt and black boots. He was muscular and looked to me like he'd done jail time.

Nobody talked much before we took him down the road and dropped him off in the middle of no where as he requested. "Thanks, brother. Give 'em hell over there," he said to Edward.

When we pulled away from that guy, Dickens said, "No more hitch-hikers."

And I said, "No more convicts with paperbags!"

Edward laughed. "Didn't you ever hear help your neighbor?"

"I think that's our quota," I said.

"He looked just like Jimmy Hoffa," Dickens said.

Edward and me about fell over laughing, cause that's exactly who he looked like.

So the next time we passed a couple of long hairs with their thumbs out Edward kept going.

We blared the radio and sang along some. Dickens loved the song Wild Thing. He was in back again and reached over the seat and blasted it up. He sang the lyrics with so much grit Edward and me laughed like crazy.

Then we played Pea Punch with all the Volkswagon bugs, only Dickens punched Edward too hard, and me sometimes too and Edward got on him and threatened to let him out at the next station. Then he made him apologize to me and he wasn't allowed to really touch me, he could just say, "Pea punch, Bella."

Well, I had forgotten the lunch Naomi packed back home, so long about eleven we were looking to buy some food. We reckoned to go to a grocery store, but Dickens begged Edward to find a drive-in restaurant with hamburgers and french fries like Paul had taken them to once in Memphis.

Edward said we'd look in the next town but if they didn't have one he would have to take what came and not complain. Well I was about dying for a cigarette but I didn't want to light one up in front of Dickens. But Edward finally did and he offered me a drag and I looked back at the boy and he was staring at me and I said, "Don't ever smoke. And don't tell your mom I do."

And he said, "I'm not a snitch."

So I took a drag and I felt a little weird, knowing what Naomi would say, that we were here to be an example to others and hypocrites said do as I say and not as I do. But it tasted so good to pull on that smoke I didn't care as much as I should have.

"I'm such a hypocrite," I whispered to Edward and he laughed.

"Get over here," he said.

I didn't want Dickens to feel left out. "Hey," I said, "you want to come up here and sit by the door and I'll sit in the middle for a while?"

Edward groaned. "You sit still," he warned Dickens as I scooted over and he climbed the seat to squeeze in by the door. Right away he started to play with the radio. Edward told him to cut it out.

So I sat by Edward and he took my hand and we tooled down the highway with the hot wind beating through the windows. "Hey tell him one of those stories…hookman," Edward said.

"Oh yeah, tell me that," Dickens said.

So I did…telling him about this boy and girl who went to the drive in and it was a run down place with scratchy speakers and there wasn't hardly anyone there so they parked in the back by themselves…."

"So they could kiss," Dickens sang, and Edward laughed.

"And they were all snuggled up watching the movie," I said, "…and they heard something scratching on the trunk and he got out to look…."

Up ahead were two girls hitchhiking. The one with her thumb out wore cut-off shorts and army like boots and a halter. The other sat on a suitcase with her legs crossed. More hippies. They looked kind of fearless and free like they lived on the road.

"Oh, pick them up," I said.

"I thought you didn't want me to," he said, but he was already slowing down.

The one with her thumb out signaled to the one sitting and they ran for the car. They opened the door and got in and the smell of sweaty bodies once again filled the car. "I'm Irina," thumb girl said, "and this is Jane."

They asked how far we were going. Edward asked instead, "Where you headed?"

"Well," Irina said, "damn you're cute." Then they both laughed, and I looked at Dickens and his eyes were huge with admiration and excitement for his big brother. I didn't know what my face looked like.

"This is my girl, Bella," Edward said.

"Lucky," Irina said and I was speechless that of all the trees in the forest Edward Cullen was taking shelter behind me. And Jane added in a low voice, "We don't mind sharing."

Dickens fell against the seat and let his mouth drop wide with glee.

"We're only going to the next town," I said even though it had been my bright idea to fill the car with free love.

"That's okay," Jane said. "Every mile we ride we don't have to walk." They were headed to an outdoor concert.

Edward asked them if it had been hard to get rides.

And they laughed and Jane said, "I like me a good ride." And they laughed some more.

Dickens' face was so red I thought his cheeks might blow. He looked back there and Jane rubbed her hand through his hair. "Someday you'll be a heartbreaker, too."

His legs went straight and his behind lifted off the seat. I put my hand on his knee and pushed him back into the seat.

The was a truckstop ahead and Irina and Jane got excited about that. "We can get off there," she said.

"Least I hope so," Jane laughed.

Once they were out I breathed a big sigh.

"Dang," Dickens said watching them walk away all roundy and twitchy hipped.

"That's the last of my bright ideas," I told Edward and he laughed and kissed me.

We were searching for hamburgers. There was a diner on the square in this little town we were in. It looked like Mac's but bigger and brighter. Dickens was so excited his words tripped all over themselves. It didn't seem to take too much to get him going.

Edward led the way to the chrome covered door and held it wide and we went in. A big picture of a hamburger, fries and a chocolate shake was over the counter. "That's what I want," Dickens said loud enough to attract the attention of the three old crew cuts in there wearing their flannels in all the heat.

We walked to a booth in the back. I used the bathroom and then Edward, then Dickens. Edward and me sat on one side and the other was blank waiting for Dickens to return. "He doesn't get to go much…and they never eat out. So he gets excited," Edward said.

"Pretty much the same for me," I said. "I'm excited too."

He kissed me again. The waitress cleared her throat and slapped down three menus with splattered plastic covers on them. Dickens slid into the booth other side then. "I want that," he said pointing to the picture of the American trinity.

"Chocolate shake or strawberry?"

He flushed red and looked at Edward. "Chocolate?"

"It's your shake," Edward said.

"Could I have both?"

"No. You can get another later."

"Okay," he said like he was deciding the fate of the world. "Give me chocolate."

He tackled the rest of the decisions with equal concern—just catsup on his burger—extra salt on his fries. Okay, give him cheese on his burger too. And yes, Edward said, he could have a Coke on the side and a slice of peach pie.

Edward and me ordered lickity split and the gum chewing bee-hive hair was off with our orders.

Edward put his arm around me and gave a squeeze.

"Sickening," Dickens said, his face all red again.

We played tic tac toe on a napkin. I went first with an X. After I made it, Edward said, "That's a kiss." And he kissed me.

Then when Dickens wrote an O, Edward said, "That's a hug." And he squeezed me again.

He kept grinning at Dickens every time he kissed me or hugged me. It was working. The boy who didn't want to answer to Dick was so grossed out and agitated he squirmed all over but it kept him occupied. Pretty soon we were engrossed in our little game and Edward continued to kiss me on the cheek and squeeze me around the shoulders as me and his brother filled those napkins.

There was no happier meal than that greasy, sugary feast the waitress set before us. There was no happier time.

The boy's farm was located on the outskirts of a busy river town. All that was visible from the road was an iron gate with an arch overhead and a sign affixed high that said, "St. Jacob's Boy's Farm." The gates were propped open for visiting day. The road was graveled and cut through woods and climbed upwards. Once it leveled out some there was another gate and a man who sat in a little roofed house. Edward pulled up there and gave him James' name.

"Two visitors," the man read from his clip-board, peering into the car.

"Yeah, just two of us going in," Edward said. He had to show the man his driver's license. His mother had called ahead and made the appointment for him to visit. The guard asked for my identification, and Edward said, "She's not going in. Just me and my brother."

Dickens leaned forward so the guard could see him.

The old guy gave Edward two badges and told him what building to report to. We continued to drive onto the grounds and Edward parked the car by a big station wagon.

"Well," he rubbed over his thighs, "this is it then." It was a bunch of buildings, a farm house, and a brick house looked like a school, then several buildings scattered about.

Edward leaned forward and spoke to Dickens, "Take note not to ever come here," he said. "This is where the bad boys go."

"I ain't ever coming here," Dickens scoffed, but I could hear the fear in his voice.

Edward turned to me then and he was looking at my lips so I kissed him. "He don't know you're along," he said meaning James didn't know I was along or in Edward's life at all.

"I figured. But…is he locked up?"

"Yeah. He's confined…not locked up."

He kissed me again.

Dickens said, "Yuck," and got out.

"I'm glad you came," Edward whispered.

"Me too," I said.

"You gonna be alright out here?"

"Sure. I might go sit under that tree. I brought my book."

"We won't be too long. He don't have much to say I ain't heard the hundred times he's called the house."

"Go on," I said. "I'll be alright."

He got out and stretched and I could see his t-shirt ride up and his flat belly muscles and Lord. I felt a big sigh come out of me, heard it too. I could hear Nina Simone singing "Just say I Love Him," like Mama used to play sometimes when I was laying in bed, Nina's deep slow voice so full of the things I felt now, being in love.

Edward told Dickens to get the box out of the trunk and he threw him the keys then he bent and looked in at me. "You gonna be alright?"

I nodded, this smile on my face I hadn't smiled before. It was new.

"Pretty girl," he whispered, and his eyes were kind of melty.

"Pretty boy," I whispered back and he laughed out loud and slammed the door. Then he leaned on the open window and stuck his head in and said, "Give me a kiss."

And I leaned over and put my hand on his dark forearm and felt the hair, the soft man and I kissed him. And he said, "Don't talk to any of these losers. Anyone gives you trouble just wait in the car and lay on the horn."

I laughed then. "Are they loose?"

He laughed. "Some of them are. They can even work in the town. But there's plenty of people around. Just…they're probably horny as hell. Just ignore them. Maybe I shouldn't have brought you."

"No," I said because his good mood was leaving quick and he was looking around now. "I'll be fine. Just get in there."

"Will you come on?" Dickens said holding the big box.

"This won't take long," he said again, some worry now.

I saw the badges on the dash and gave them to him. "Go on. I'll be fine." I pulled my book out of my bag.

He pushed off then. I heard him say to Dickens, "Remember to keep your mouth shut about Bella." Then he took the box from his little brother and they walked the pretty long way to the big brick building.

They had a similar walk but they didn't really favor enough to be taken as brothers. I could see how Dickens worshipped Edward and hung on his every word. His face when he thought Edward was leaving him back in Ludicrous. I wasn't the only one who would be nursing a broken heart the day Edward went away.

I took my book over to the tree and got pretty comfortable against the trunk. I decided to turn to my favorite part and just skim. It was such a pretty day, and I was with Edward. It was weird to think James was there, but I didn't need to see him at least.

There were a couple of families not so far away. One of them was having a picnic. A man threw a baseball back and forth with a boy around my age. If I was in a place like this…Naomi would find a way to come. And maybe Edward…if he was home.

I thought of his stomach again, and how beautiful he was, and how this trip was nothing, not long enough, for I could sit by his side forever. I replayed how those two girls we picked up flirted with him, like I didn't even matter. I couldn't imagine how he gave me the time of day, but he had whispered, Pretty Girl. And me…I had been so bold…like Nina Simone…maybe like Mama had been once. I rubbed my hand over the skirt. She had worn this…that night I'd met Edward and when she was feeling good. She looked just like Ava Gardner a man said once when we were in town. I asked her who Ava Gardner was and Mama just laughed. "Men just talk like that for one thing," she said. "They will lie and lie and lie to get it."

"Pretty girl," I heard Edward say. You're wrong, Mama. You didn't ever meet Edward. That's the thing.

There was a boy came around and asked me my name and I told him Bella, and he said his name was Peter and I said that was the name of my favorite artist and he said he thought I would say favorite apostle. He liked artist better. And I said well maybe the apostle Peter was an artist, and he said no, just a fisherman. And I asked him if he fished cause this place was on the river and he said he did and he liked it.

I was laughing and I looked up and Edward was coming, Dickens behind swinging the empty box. Didn't seem like they'd been in there very long. Boys. They probably forgot to talk or something.

I stood up and dusted off and Peter had just asked who I was there to see and I nodded at Edward.

"Hey," Edward said but his eyes were not friendly. "We got to go now," Edward said to me.

"Okay," I said like he should smile once in a while. He took my hand and I said, "See you," to Peter.

We all went to the car then and got in without too much fanfare.

"What happened?" I asked him cause apparently he was upset. Dickens threw himself in back and stretched out on the seat face down.

"I don't know," Edward said pulling out. When we passed Peter Edward flipped him the bird.

Last I saw Peter he was looking at us like we were straight out of the Twilight Zone.

"Why'd you do that for?" I asked Edward.

Dickens lifted his head, "Do what?"

"Hush Richard," I said, then back to Edward, "Did you see him?"

"Yeah I saw him…and saw you talkin' to him just like I said not to. No self-preservation…none," he said.

He just kept staring ahead and driving out. He slowed at the guard's little house again and the guard looked through the car and Edward had to get out and open the trunk and he looked in there, then Edward had to sign the clip-board and he got back in and drove to the gate and turned back onto the road that ran through the town.

"Hungry," Dickens said, still laying there.

"We'll stop in a little while," Edward said his voice more gentle. But I could see the strength in his jaw as he kept tensing and releasing.

I turned the radio on and Simon and Garfunkel were singing The Sounds of Silence.

We were silent for a long time. Edward drove and I put my feet up on the seat, my knees bent and I let the hot wind blow my hair around my face.

Finally Edward had his hand on my arm and he was pulling on me and I looked behind and Dickens seemed to be asleep and I slid over next to Edward and his arm was across my lap and he had his hand on my thigh and he gripped me firmly, and such a feeling went through me that I couldn't get close enough and he looked at me for a minute and there was emotion in his face, and this look that melted me inside. And pretty soon he pulled off the road and down this dirt road until it opened up a little into this cleared off place that widened the shoulder and he pulled over there and got out and pulled on me to follow and I did and he closed the door softly and Dickens did not so much as lift his head. He walked a ways to a bank on the river and he sat down on a log there and I sat beside him. He already had a cigarette in his mouth and his fingers pulled a book of matches from the pocket on his t-shirt. He lit that and pulled from it and sent that smoke up.

"I shouldn't of gone in there," he said. "He threw a big fit to come home with me. Like a big baby…worse than Dickens did when he thought I was leaving him." He shook his head. "They had to haul him off." He smoked for a minute. "They're thinking about sending him further in to a lock-down facility and he'll be with the real offenders then."

I stayed quiet while he got it out.

"I tried to set them an example. But here I brought Dickens all this way to get a dose of that. Like Paul don't show it enough."

"You got my same problem."

"What's that?"

"Trying to fix things can't be fixed."

"What's that mean?"

"Well…it just means you can't help people who don't care they are broken. James has to want to get better. If he don't care…you can't fix it. He'll just have to live it out…his choices."

"That's like giving up."

"Or maybe…it's really loving someone. Like you asked me to about you going to war. It's letting someone choose. And even if you don't agree…you love them and stand back…and stand by."

He stared at me his eyes dark as storm clouds fixing to burst. "I don't understand one thing you just said."

"I said…let him go."

"I can't. It wouldn't be right."

"He has to want to do better."

"What do you think I been trying to teach him?"

"He don't want it. He wants to have fits and be mad. Maybe if he does suffer enough…maybe he'll figure it out."

"There's something wrong with him. Me going to war is a good choice. It's honor. Him wanting to be a jailbird is shit. He's breaking my mom's heart and he's teaching these others to be just like him."

"Edward…if I'm going into a pen with a dog who barks and bites…what would you tell me to do?"

"Wouldn't do me no good to say it cause you'd do what you wanted," he said.

"Okay then. I'm going to do what I want. So is everybody."

"You're saying he's a waste of time. He's going to do what he wants."

"He's…got a right to go straight to hell…if he wants."

He looked at me. "I fight," he said.

I nodded. "Find a better cause."

"You don't understand," he said.

"You think I don't?" I said.

He stared at me some more, finished his smoke and stood up and pulled me up. He put his hands on my face. His thumbs stroked over my cheeks. "I'm fighting for you," he said softly.

"You already got me," I said.

He shook his head. "I don't know how it's ever gonna work."

"It never has worked. But it's right."

"You got an answer for everything?"

"It's Naomi. She's in the answer business and…I guess it rubbed off. But really? I don't know shit."

"That's okay…I'll do what I want."

"See?"

He laughed some and then he moved his beautiful face toward me and kissed my lips, his hands still on my face.

The horn honked and we sprang apart like we'd been squirted with a hose.

"When we gonna eat?" Dickens yelled from where Edward had parked the car.


	17. Chapter 17

Finding My Thunder 17

We went to a market and got bread and lunchmeat and chips and Cokes and went back to the river and ate our food and Edward and Dickens had a contest skipping rocks on the water.

Edward said if he could skip a rock all the way across he could get a kiss. Dickens said, "What about me?"

I said any time they got one across they got a kiss.

Edward worked to perfect it and pretty soon he was getting every other one all the way across.

Dickens said, "Oh man." And he worked and he worked and finally he got one and then he got too shy to come and get his kiss so I got up and chased him. He ran all over and I never could catch him. Then when I sat back down he ran by and pulled on my hair and I took off after him again and this time I outsmarted him and doubled around the table and got him and he pretty well let me and I wrestled him enough, with Edward near warning him not to hurt me. I got a peck in on his cheek.

He jumped up and said "Ew," with his hand on his cheek. But he was pretty much mine after that.

When we were back in the car and on the highway he sat behind and I felt him tugging on my braid again. Then his face was right there and his salami breath pretty much in my face and he wanted to know about my book and I told him the story some, him hanging over the seat and touching my little hoop earring, and Edward said, "Sit back now."

He did and pretty soon he was asleep again.

And Edward pulled me across the seat again and I sat close to him until I slid down and laid on the seat on my side and put my head on his thigh for a pillow and he kept his hand on my shoulder, then he slid his hand slow up and down my arm and it settled on my wrist but that was pretty close to my breast, so I looked down without moving my head and his wrist was across my breast so he was kind of getting a feel. And I thought of Tanya's breasts, bigger than mine, and I guessed he probably felt those and I hoped he wasn't disappointed in mine but I didn't know how he couldn't be even though I'd never waved them at everyone during every athletic event. I didn't think mine could wave. They couldn't. So this is what I had to offer and there wasn't much I could do about it.

I couldn't sleep, I was lying on Edward's leg and I loved him so much I could feel it in myself like a flower opening wide or a wound kind of raw, like life and death, breathing and weeping filling me.

No wonder every song was about love. There was so much you could say about it. Even the bible. Love always protects. That was my favorite. It spoke so well about Edward. Except when it came to hitchhikers. Then he kind of lost his mind.


	18. Chapter 18

Finding My Thunder 18

Edward woke me up, and I was surprised I had gone to sleep. His thigh was flexing beneath my cheek. "Bella…could you talk to me?"

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "How much farther?" I asked, not because I wanted the trip to be over…but because I didn't.

"Another twenty minutes."

I was starting to recognize things.

"Did you have a good nap?" he asked smiling.

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," he said working his arm around me. "I like your sleepy eyes. Just talk to me a little bit so I stay awake."

I settled against him. "You never did tell me about Tanya…when you left the shop and all." My love had awakened with me. I had the hand closest to him twisted in his t-shirt right over his heart.

"Is that little monkey still asleep?"

I looked back at Dickens and his face was plastered against the seat, his mouth open. He was out.

"Yeah. Look at him."

Edward moved his arm away and readjusted the rearview. He laughed when he saw him. "He'll sleep through anything." He put his arm back around me.

"You gonna tell me what happened?" I looked at him…all the way in to his brain. He didn't want to tell me.

"You know that story you told me at the river…about someone goin' into the yard with the biting dog?"

"Yeah."

"Well…sometimes you just got to go for the dog."

I thought about it for a minute. "Like Mama did for me…with Charlie. I mean…I noticed that…recently." I didn't want to talk about it.

"How about the night with the chairs? The night we took her to the hospital?" he reminded me in a soft voice.

"Yeah…I got between them a few times. I guess getting older…it was going to be more that way."

"Same with me. Mom and Paul…or James and Paul," he said. "Or James and half the town."

We were quiet for a while.

"I told her we were friends…you and me…and she almost cost me my job. She apologized, but she went on…you know about what she thinks I gave up…and I told her it was over…again…and she doesn't get why. And I told her again I was wrong to let it go as far as it did. She says…can we at least be friends. And I said yes…so she'd back off you." He looked at me.

There was a lot I could say, but Naomi always told me, ask yourself before you speak…will it help? I didn't know.

"I mean, she needs to apologize to you, but that's not going to happen. And her word don't mean shit anyway. All I'm wanting is her to leave you alone. So we have to be careful about being seen. Once I'm gone you should be alright. She'll have moved on to the next guy, the next game, the next party."

I was thinking it all over, but that made him nervous of something. "Say something," he said.

"I was wondering…you won't ever lead me on like that…will you?"

He was quiet now. I saw that jaw thing again where he ground his back teeth, and I felt it in the arm around me, before he lifted it and took it away from me and put two hands on the wheel. I didn't move away. I didn't think he wanted that. I didn't. But he was pulled into himself.

Dickens woke up and sat up and sighed a lot and said he couldn't believe we were that close to home. He was already working on Edward for the next thing…could he sleep in his room? In James' bed again? He shared a room with two others younger than him and they kept him up at night with bad dreams and bad behavior.

"You can," Edward said stern, "…and same thing we talked about."

I didn't know what that was, but I guessed he'd tell me if he wanted.

Once on our street Edward went around the block and hit the alley. He followed this to Naomi's door. He got out of the car and held the door for me. I grabbed my bag and scooted out past the steering wheel dragging my bag off the seat. "I'll just let her know I'm home then I'll walk over to my house."

I looked at him, and he was looking back, the two of us caught in that staring we did.

Naomi pulled the door and she spoke to him and he spoke politely to her and introduced Dickens. I knew he wanted her to see he'd kept the rules. And since I didn't expect him to ever come over again the way he'd been so quiet, I knew some relief with my embarrassment when she said, "You all can ride with me to Temple in the morning or follow in your car."

"I will follow. Can Bella ride with me?"

"That would be fine," she allowed pretty much beaming. He said a polite good-bye to me then and I waved and Dickens, at Edward's urging as he got in the car, called to Naomi, "Nice to meet you Miss Naomi."

And she nodded and waved. She was looking at me ready for a full report and I said, "Naomi I am so beat. I fell asleep on the way home. I'm goin' back to my room and I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay," she said wrinkling her brow some. "You gonna be okay in that big empty house?"

"I'm fine," I said, hoping it wouldn't be empty for long. And I didn't mean Charlie and his new family. I didn't mean them at all.

Charlie wasn't home. I came through the back porch and the chrome set was piled there, the one she had fought against. Sleeping there that first night had been a foggy memory what with me full of illegal substances and getting in late and leaving early. But now it was a little more real, the empty quiet, not the crazy quiet that meant she brooded in some corner, but this kind of quiet that meant she was gone.

It kept hitting me fresh. She was gone. I hurried through the shadows and got to my room and closed the door. Music was the thing I wrapped myself in. I sorted through and there was Mama's Judy Garland at Carnegie Hall. I didn't know if I had the courage. Why do it to myself? But if he didn't come…Edward…if he didn't…if he was through with me because I'd asked him if he was going to lead me on when he'd never even spoken love…he'd said we were more than friends…he couldn't stay away…he needed me. But maybe he'd changed his mind. He said it didn't work. But I said it was right. He said he was going away….

If he didn't come well then I might as well as wrap myself in Judy and let the tears come. Even the despair was better than nothing.

So I put that record on and checked that the screen on the window was still unhooked, even though I knew it was, all the time now. I fell on my back on my bed, my arms spread out, my hands open to the ceiling and the sky above like I'd laid on the field.

I had put it on The Man Who Got Away. I had it blasting. And oddly, I thought of Mama for the first few seconds, but once it got to the part where the brass kicked up, my mind went to Edward. It was all Edward. Until he was there, standing over me, looking at me, chewing on his lip, still winded from having run here, his chest up and down, and I sat up slow and he fell beside me and grabbed me by the arm and said, "Don't you understand how I feel about you?"

I was shaking my head, but I don't think I really moved. I whimpered and put my hands on his face. She hit a high note, Judy did and I smashed my lips on his and pulled him down on my bed. Fifteen years. Nearly sixteen. But I was as much a woman as I was ever gonna be. And I wanted Edward. As Judy's shaky voice sang that last line, "The man that got away," I said to God above it won't be Edward Cullen. Before he left me…I would know him, give him everything and if it wasn't enough…if I wasn't…then I'd have to find a way to live and breathe but that wouldn't stop me now.

So he kissed me wild and rolled onto me and I tore at his shirt and got my hands on his skin and pulled him into me and we rolled some and I was on top of him and his hands ran over me, the shape of me and my legs were wide and I felt his manhood against me and I wasn't even sure how it worked but the girls at school laughed when a girl asked in biology if you could get pregnant from kissing, so I knew more than that. And we'd been given drawings of a penis, a side-view, that looked like a big sad clown nose or something, but I pushed that out of my head because of Edward and I pushed on him and I was breathing out loud because he had lifted.

"We've got to slow this down," he panted.

"Why?" I said, pulling him to me again and kissing him.

He pulled back. "Because I'm about to lose my mind," he breathed.

"Lose it," I said and kissed him madly. I was on top now and I was over him like a monkey and I was kissing down as I rolled up his shirt and oh my God above.

He was going to think I was some crazy whore. And I might be. He was nearly crying sounded like as he pulled me up and our mouths got together again and he had his tongue in my mouth and I knew it was sin and the devil and oh God be praised thank you for such a thing as this.

I knew that was a mix of ideas, but this house had never known such love as was breaking forth in my room fixing to burn it down to ash.

"I can't…," he said, but I kept going and his hands were on my breasts and they might be small but they were working in ways I had no idea and when the air hit them it was shock and wrong and right and he couldn't get his mouth on them fast enough and I cradled his head to me and rose off the bed and he pressed down, one breast to the other his soft dark hair and Naomi would say I was leaving God out of this but I was praising Him, I was.

"Oh God," I cried out, and Judy was still singing.

"Girl," he was saying when he lifted his head, "we…we should…." Then I smashed his mouth back on me and my legs wrapped around him in Mama's skirt, my legs bare and his hands holding them and his jeans grinding into me, then push and push and I rose to meet him every time like a cave woman…just something took over like we were secret partners in a crime or something, him bringing it out, me keeping it going, and I was watching myself and so deep in myself at the same time he was everything, every feeling and touch and discovery and look, he was the room, he was the air. "I love you, I love you," I said as my body exploded, and then him pushing into me and going still, just holding it, then gasping and his heart hammering, "Bella," he said, "Bella. My God…I…I love you."


	19. Chapter 19

Finding My Thunder 19

Later, we sat on my floor, his legs open in a V and stretched out long, and me curled on my side in between them so we could kiss so I could touch his face and he could touch me and see me. I was bare to the waistband of Mama's skirt, but it was bunched high on my legs and he was studying each bit of me, running his hands over. He was bare to his jeans and his thick leather belt was undone. "I'm crazy about you in case you didn't know," he whispered as he nuzzled his face against me.

I did know. I knew. He told me, "You don't know how much it turns me on to see your breasts peeking through your long hair."

I nearly died when he said that. Then he took my hair and bunched it in his hand and he used it to angle my face for my next kiss and more kisses, some on my mouth, but some on my face, my nose and my eyes.

"I want to see all of you," he said and his face was unguarded and it took all of the guts I could muster to look and I couldn't look anywhere else for I had never been the object of so much attention and then his, which was the most powerful attention in the entire world, his was like standing in the brightest sun and knowing you were an ant, a crumb, and yet you had to stand there and you looked so long into such adoration you started to believe something good about yourself.

"You can see me," I said and I heard him swallow, like his neck cracked.

"Better not. Not right now. This is enough," he said smoothing his rough hand over my breasts. "God…I could look at these the rest of my life."

I was a little relieved, but I would have…shown him everything. I was painfully shy usually, but not with him. With him I really felt like I could do it.

We'd been playing the rest of Judy Garland. He liked Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and we listened and I told him, "That's where you take me."

And he laughed a little. "Yeah?"

"It's like another world with you," I said. "Naomi's been trying to get me to live for heaven for years. But…you're my heaven." I traced his lips and they were perfect.

I was drunk on him, and really tired and so happy…I didn't know I could be this happy, and I knew I spoke out of that now and maybe later I'd cringe, but I wasn't holding back.

He hugged me so tightly. "You're killin' me," he whispered. "Do you know that? You're killing me with your sweet words…this little body like a goddess…with sweet love. I might die up here tonight holding you."

"If we could stop time right now…would you do it?"

He kissed me again. "I would stay here forever if I could…with you. In my mind…when we're apart…this is right where I'm gonna be. Just know that. This is what I'll think about to get me through. This is what will get me home."

I sat up and looked at him, full in the face. I felt like a mermaid, my long hair over my naked breasts and the long skirt twisted around me. I felt beautiful.

"But I got to tell you…if we were gonna stop time…I'd take it further…I'd want to be inside you," he said bold.

"Inside me?"

"Yes," he said and he kissed me full on the mouth and groaned.

But I had to push away a minute, "Um…Edward…can I…I mean…you don't just rub it on me? You mean…it goes in?"

He broke out laughing. "You're kidding."

"No. I…it goes in?"

"Hasn't anyone told you? I know you had sex ed."

"Well it just confused me more. You got this thing like…an elephant's trunk and it gets with the woman and makes a baby. And that's pretty violent. We had to watch a movie of a woman having a baby in a fallout shelter and two girls fainted and two more ran out.

"I know if the man's thing gets together with the woman's parts then that's it. It's pretty much what we just did only without clothes on. It worked for me like that. I almost…it was really great. And…I thought you seemed…like it worked."

His mouth was hanging open. "Bella…Dickens knows this. I mean…how can you be fifteen…."

"Sixteen," I whispered.

"Sixteen and not…didn't your Mom or Naomi…?"

"Naomi tried but…I was so confused when she got finished. She talked about the man's thing and the woman and covenant and curses and you better be married. I was just…I guess I'm stupid. A stupid joke."

"No," he held me to him laughing. "Wow. I've got my work cut out for me, I guess."

He laughed some more and I laughed too. "But you haven't done it…you said."

"There's a difference between not doing it and knowing how it's done." He laughed some more.

"Okay," I conceded. "I've just…I'm pretty much alone, and I haven't really had friends."

He grew sober quickly. "It's okay. I…like that you're so innocent."

"Not so innocent. I am laying here without a shirt."

He laughed again. "You've got me now. And I ain't going anywhere. Especially if you stop time you powerful girl."

I wished I could. I wished I had my hand on the big timeclock that only God could operate. If I had my hand there it would always be the summer of 1967 and Judy would be singing about rainbows forever while I laid in Edward's arms and learned about the birds and bees.


	20. Chapter 20

Finding My Thunder 20

Edward and me awoke when my alarm clock went off like Satan ringing a bell right out of the fiery place. Naomi always said the Lord's Day started on the Saturday night before when church folk needed to be laying out their clothes and taking a bath and getting a good night's rest to be ready come morning for worship.

Edward and me had slept on my floor. And we hadn't slept much, but just enough so we could feel the lack when it was time to rise.

Well, I had failed to stop time. I was trying to hide my chest while I ran about telling him it was almost time for church and he had to go home. "You don't have to come to Temple," I said. "I'll just go. I don't expect you to. I don't want you to go," I said.

"Why don't you want me to go?" he said buckling his belt and looking for his shirt.

"You won't be used to it. She doesn't have any right to tell you you have to come to church." His eyes weren't missing much as I found my robe and stuck my arms in it, wrapping it around me.

"I said I would go."

I grabbed clean clothes for my shower and turned and he was right there.

"Hey, hey." He kissed me. "I'm goin'."

So after a few more kisses he went downstairs and left and I began to hurry to make myself presentable.

In the shower as I scrubbed my hair I was humming Somewhere Over the Rainbow. As I put on my white bra and my bikini underwear I belted out, "…why oh why can't I?"

Then I pulled on a long dress I'd sewn myself. It was white with little blue cornflowers all over it. I wore my sandals with it. As for my hair, I brushed through it so it could dry by the time we got to Temple. I wore some lipstick. Pink. I was afraid of the white I'd bought. I didn't think it worked on me with my skin. I put some blue eye shadow on. Not thick, just a little and rubbed it over my eyelids with my finger hoping I could somehow favor Petula Clark just a little. I sprayed some Heaven Sent on a tissue and wiped both my wrists. That was it.

I grabbed my bag and ran back to Naomi's. She was singing hymns while she filled a basket with the millions of things she had to take all the time. I plowed right through, When the Role is Called Up Yonder, which reminded me of a big jelly doughnut for some reason, and I said, "I'm gonna wait outside for Edward," and as I said that he was pulling up.

I blushed to see him standing outside the car in the light of day looking so handsome I nearly choked and had to cough but I cleared my throat instead and caught myself running to him. So I stopped and just walked. "Hey," I said. "She's comin'."

He wore a white shirt against his dark neck and wrists and hands, those hands, Lord. The church ladies would die and rise again when they saw him.

"I don't get my good mornin' ?" he said.

"You already had it," I sang, then I noticed life in the car and I looked and there was a little dark haired sprite looking back, just the prettiest little thing.

"I'm Alice," she said.

"She…wanted to come," he said, such a soft look in his very tired eyes.

"Oh…that's…I'm glad to meet you, Alice," I said.

"You're Bella," she said when I reached my hand to grasp hers, the gentle grip and the chipped pink polish on her nails. "I'm nine," she told me.

"Good to know," I said.

So we got in the car and I sat on my side in the front seat and smiled at the little girl gone shy now. I hoped she was up for Temple cause it could get pretty wild. "I like your dress," I told her.

She smoothed over it a little. Pink cotton with no sleeves and a full skirt. Small embroidered flowers around the neck. "Mama made it," she said.

That almost brought tears to my eyes. I didn't know why. "I like your headband too."

It was pink plastic. She made a project of pulling it forward and scraping her glossy short hair back. "You're pretty," she whispered.

Edward laughed and I looked at him and smiled. "Did your brother pay you to say that?"

She giggled. "No. But he did give me a quarter so I'd be good."

We all laughed now and Edward flushed dark.

Naomi came out then and Edward got out and took her basket and helped her get settled in her car. She finally pulled out and we followed her big blue hat and her shiny bumper all the way to Temple.

Across the street from Temple was the gas station where the men gathered on a Sunday morning, bottles wrapped in brown paper and passed as they told their stories and laughed. Their hero stood in green uniform, home from basic training hurrying toward the war.

In Temple, the women spread out amongst the fourteen pews, seven each side of the aisle with the pulpit up front, the old piano and the steps for the choir of nine strong voices. Like Nina Simone. Like Judy. Like Sandy and Grace. Like Aretha and Joni and Janis.

We filed in the pew and I kept introducing Alice and Edward and Sister Arnet said, "Oh girl he is fine."

Well he was fine. So fine. And Alice giggled and she stood between Edward and me and Sister Beatrice was at the piano and she hit all the keys to get it fired, and us fired and the ladies stood and the tambourines came out, and Alice's eyes were big and wide. And Edward watched until he clapped along with them, with me. And Alice, the chipped pink fingers so sweet, so gentle.

And the singing…and the harmony…and the feeling…and the soul. I could not be embarrassed. This was my life. They were my world. I was not them. But they were me. I could not explain. I was always alone with them around me, with Naomi, with Mama. Until Edward I had not felt someone of my own someone who plowed through who I let in. It just was.

And they raised their arms in their flowered dresses in their deep colors and they praised and they danced and the sounds went out the open widows and mixed with the cars and the men and the streets baking in the sun and the hair and the heads and the laughter and the tears.

Naomi said the best things we ever do are those done with the intention of serving others.

And I put my arm along the back of the pew behind Alice's dark head, and I touched Edward's shoulder and he looked at me, but I did not look at him, not directly, I just touched, I quietly blessed, for that is what he would do when he went to Vietnam he would lay down his life for his country. He would serve. And I was proud. I was so proud. I was so proud.

But I kept my hand on him, I gripped his shirt, and he looked at me again, but in my mind…in my heart I said to God…I said…spare him and you have me.

They were all singing surrender. They were all saying, anything, anytime, anywhere. But I was not singing that, I was setting terms. They were simple and profound. Leave him alone. Do not touch him and I will be yours, no more resistance, no more hiding. I will serve. I will paint the Temple, I will weed the yard, I will go door to door and work for the Democrats. I will do fund raisers. I will walk in the protest marches. I will babysit more. I will stop smoking. I will stop cursing. I will stop missing temple. I will get baptized. I will sing in the choir. I will hand out flyers that advertise our services. I will read Scripture. I will not think hateful things about other girls. I will not be sarcastic in my mind. I will have sex with Edward and for that, with all else I'm going to stop doing, you will have to look the other way. But I won't drink or do drugs.

Just don't touch him. Protect him and bring him home to me. After the parents you gave me I think it's fair trade. Just let me have Edward. Amen.


	21. Chapter 21

Finding My Thunder 21

We stayed at Temple after service and helped set up lunch. Alice put salt and pepper shakers on the five tables. She made a friend with one of Sister Beatrice's daughters. They were soon running around playing tag and getting underfoot. Edward sliced the ham as our only other man was in Vietnam.

We ate an ample lunch and he told them, when asked, about his number, that it was low and he planned to enlist and they didn't judge that at all, they were proud right off and they let him know and pretty soon they were giving him an envelope, and he asked me, what's this? And I knew it was money, a collection they'd taken quiet to show him their support. I knew it was rarely over fourteen dollars because they would give what they had, the widow's mite, they would give until it hurt because it hurt them more not to give. And I thanked them, made sure I kissed each one, not because he needed it, their kindness, but I did, I always had.

And they took their time hugging me, patting me, asking me if I was alright and with them I was even as I held back…and in…but today, right now, I was hugging them back, I was taking a step. It was a new day.

We were soon driving home. We all three sat in front. Alice in between. Edward and me smiled at one another over her head. He tried to resist the envelope but he caught on quick once he looked at me and I told him with my eyes to take it and say thank you.

When I could reach him I'd whispered what Naomi had often said, "Sometimes you are the one God picks to be helped so others can feel the blessing of giving."

And he'd surrendered and put the envelope in his shirt pocket, white on white over his heart but inside, the color, the green and silver. The soul.

I ran my hand through Alice's silky hair. She examined the blue on my eyelids, and smelled my wrists and asked to try on my sandals, my bangle bracelet, my birthstone ring.

She wanted to know how long it had taken me to grow my hair so long, and she told me she would never cut her hair again, until it was long as mine. She wanted to know if she could go back to Temple. And was I in love with Edward?

"Alice," Edward said.

"I know. I won't tell. But are you getting married?" She asked either one of us. She just wanted information. At first we were silent, then we laughed.

"We're too young," he told her and he smiled at me.

"Yeah," I said slowly.

"I want you for my sister," Alice said fast and self-consciously to me wearing a silly grin.

"Well, we can be friends. That might be better since you already have so many siblings. Me, I'm an only child," I said.

"Do you have books?" she asked one ear all the way on her shoulder.

I cleared my throat and said quickly, "Nancy Drew."

"Really?" she squealed, a desperate look on her face. "I've read eleven and sixteen and I want to go back and start at the beginning but I have to babysit and Mama won't let me walk to the library."

"She will too," Edward said.

"Nu-uh," Alice said.

"I have one through seventeen, but after that it's to the library," I said sheepishly, not used to being the girl who had anything anyone wanted…not until Edward and now his little sister.

Alice was squealing again and grabbing onto my arm as she bounced between us.

"That's it. You're going home first."

"But I want to borrow a book," she pled.

"I'll bring it home. I promise," he said.

She clung to me now, her bottom lip jutting out.

"If you want to come again you have to be good," he said softly.

She reluctantly complied when we dropped her off. He let her out on his side not wishing to flaunt me in the neighborhood, especially at his house with so many eyes. She kissed my cheek and got out quick. I felt the imprint of her soft little lips and put my fingers there.

After Edward got in we pulled down the street some. We were holding hands on the seat where no one could see. It was warm there from Alice. I had just thanked him for being so patient and kind at Temple and he told me he liked it. And we were laughing over something Beatrice said when I saw it, Charlie's truck in front of my house piled high with gypsy wares. I could barely grasp it but I knew what it was. He was moving them in.

"Stop, stop, stop," I said.

He stopped in the street and looked at where I was focused.

"What is that?" he said, meaning the piled truck.

"His…new family," I said.

"You mean it?" he asked, ready to be told I joked.

I nodded but I didn't look at him. I stared at Charlie buzzing around his truck as he untied the rope that bound the prize. His eagerness showed in his step, in his laugh with the teenaged boy who waited to help.

"So you knew about this?"

I didn't answer.

"This is why you threw the bottle."

I nodded but I couldn't look away. Charlie had the rope off and he hopped onto the tailgate. Hopped, he was that eager and newly young. He grabbed one of the mattresses and pulled it toward him and the boy grabbed on and you could tell they were laughing together now, no cursing, no screaming.

Edward tightened his grip on my hand.

"Can we just sit here a minute and watch?"

"Sure, baby," he said low, "but…are you sure? You don't want to go up there and stop him?"

I smiled as I watched the two work together to get the mattress off. Then they were hauling it through the gate and up the steps.

"Where's Sooner?" Edward said now watching as avidly as me.

"She'll stay under the porch. She's smart that way."

"Is the dogfood on the porch?"

"Yeah. He won't know why."

"The kids will see it. They'll say, oh you've got a dog," he warned cause he was like Dr. Spock or something.

"Yeah." I barely moved my lips to answer him. I saw the woman now, wearing short-shorts, hotpants, dressed naked, looking into the bed, reaching in and lifting a pressure cooker out. Charlie came out now. He touched her waist, he kissed her and they laughed.

She was Loreena. I'd seen her before but I hadn't looked like I did now. He'd said there was a woman who could help him and he had the beauty shop.

A little girl…upset about something, stomped her foot. About Dickens' age. Loreena listened and soothed and went back in the house with her. The boy was out now…he was helping Charlie with the next mattress.

"It's Ozzie and fucking Harriet," I whispered, then I remembered I was giving up cursing and I'd just said the big one. I told God I was sorry real quick, but then I thought that I was mad at him for this and I wondered if him and me could ever really be friends.

"Bella…what are you going to do? Fuck him. Go live with Naomi."

I cleared my throat. "That's a…what he wants. He asked me to move in with her."

Edward took his hand away from mine and punched it into his palm. "I swear just say the word and I'm going to rip his damn head off."

"No you're not. You have to work for him. So just calm down."

He was grinding his fist into his palm, working his jaw and staring at the scene with me.

"He's the biggest asshole in the world. He doesn't deserve you. You're so, so much better than him. He's trash. He's trash to the bone."

"Naomi says we first dehumanize those we chose to oppress."

"What? Speak English."

"You're dehumanizing him. It's dangerous. He's my father and your boss. Looks like he's about to tie the knot again because the neighbors won't tolerate someone living in sin. Guess he thinks he's Richard Burton and she's Liz."

"Will you stop talking like that? You sound dead."

"No such luck," I said.

"Oh that's great. You wish you were dead now?"

I sighed. His dark eyes were too much. "No."

"Well don't talk like that."

"I was joking. Using humor to deflect the awkwardness of watching my father adopt a new family after knowing years of his rejection."

"I swear you scare me," he said pulling me over to him even though we were on the street in broad daylight.

I was so tired I could barely respond. I knew he was, too. We'd barely slept for days now. Well, the whole time in the hospital. I was tired beyond belief.

"What do you want to do?" he asked me, his arm around me tight.

"Just…take a nap. On Naomi's couch. I can just walk."

"Don't be ridiculous."

He took me to Naomi's. She wasn't home yet. "I'm going to sleep. I guess I'll talk to you later?"

"Where will you be later?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said honestly.

"Well…I'll find you," he said.

"Edward…everything I own is in my room. And all of Mama's stuff. I haven't even had a chance to go through her things."

"I know baby. You just go in Naomi's and go to sleep."

"I want to. But…I don't know if I can. But I will." I got out then.

"You want me to come sit with you?"

"No. Go on home. We'll talk later?"

"We will," he said.

I slowly walked onto Naomi's porch and he was waiting for me to go in and I was waiting for him to leave. "Bye," I called and waved. He took the hint but I could see he was perplexed. He backed out and went slowly down the alley.

And I picked up my long dress and ran for Mama's house.

I went in the back door. Boxes cluttered the kitchen. The pressure cooker sat on the floor and I nearly tripped on it. The woman, Loreena, was coming in the front door laughing, her arms filled with bedding.

I was standing there in the entry hall.

"Hello," she said. I kept looking at her.

Then over her shoulder she called, "Charlie," but she kept her eyes on me.

Charlie came running. He was behind her. His eyes met mine and I watched the joy run right out of them.

"Bella, this is Loreena," he said the way you'd talk to a bear in the road.

I just kept staring. I felt no social burden whatsoever.

Uncomfortable now he tried to be jovial. "She's got two children you go to school with. Well, the boy…Jody…he's about your age. He's fourteen."

"I'm sixteen," I said because I would be in three days.

His eyes grew big. Loreena did a little laugh and thought she'd help him out I guess. "Time can sure fly." She had big teeth.

The little girl came down the stairs. That meant she'd been upstairs and there wasn't but three things up there, the bathroom, Mama's room and mine. My eyes went to that kid then to Charlie and he looked more worried than I'd seen since the day Mama died and he had to show up at the hospital…since the day I'd thrown the bottle but then only a flash.

"You don't have to worry about your mother's things. Loreena and Darla got them nearly packed…."

I ran for the stairs, he tried to block me but there was nothing behind it. The little girl plastered herself on the wall and I ran up there. "We were real careful, honey," Loreena called and I went to Mama's room and boxes sat around and I saw things folded…and her furniture was clear and her bed taken apart, the mattresses standing against the wall and in the middle a box of things I did not know, girl's things and the colors…."

I fell down. I did not faint but my legs folded. I heard yelling and stomping on the stairs and Edward around me and telling me it was okay, it was okay and he picked me up and he half-carried me to my room and my things had not been touched, and he placed me on my bed and sat next to me but I curled away from him, and he stayed there and when someone looked and said something he answered, "Just leave her alone. Just let her rest." And I felt him get up and I heard him close my door and he shuffled around and Judy Garland started to sing about the rainbow and the bed dipped and he pulled me against him and I rolled over and put my arm on him and my leg and he held me there and I cried and I grew still and he held me and I held him.

"If you leave," I finally whispered, "don't forget Alice's book."

"I'm not leaving," he whispered and he kissed the top of my head.


	22. Chapter 22

Big thanks for your comments. Really, truly thank-you.

Finding My Thunder 22

In my dreams, just like in real life, Edward had carried me. He had dragged me. He had held me. But he was a kid, too. Granted he looked grown, as did I. But inside…we were still very young and I was trying to make others see this. I was preaching it in Naomi's pulpit. And the sisters gathered round and poured pennies on me until I was buried, just my head out, and I was still saying, "We're just kids!"

When I woke up, early morning sun was just coming up, its first light barely in the corners. Two of us on my twin bed wrapped in each other. Edward had turned my little fan on but already it was hot and we were so close.

I was thirsty. I'd cried myself out last night. No one had bothered us. Not after that first time when Edward had taken care of it. The birds were singing and the thought of rainbows was in my head.

"Hey," he whispered to me and I moved myself against him. He straightened his legs like we were unfolding and lining ourselves up. We looked at each other. His eyes were tired and dark and deep. His lashes were long and thick and matched his eyes for color.

He swallowed and I licked my lips.

"I wonder how you've stayed under the radar at school…you're so beautiful," he said softly.

He was just being nice. Probably feeling sorry for me. I was so pathetic. I just made a face at him like he was crazy.

"Don't scrunch up my beautiful face," he said, the backs of his fingers moving over my cheek.

"Doesn't your mom wonder where you are?"

He smiled. "Sometimes. She's too tired to wait up. As long as I show up in the morning. Dickens will cover for me."

"Teaching him to lie to his mother?"

"Goes with getting to sleep in James' bed," he said.

I smirked a little. "Where did you come from yesterday? I thought you'd gone home."

"I thought you went into Naomi's. Then…I just knew."

I laughed a little. Inside. Outside I smiled. "That's like…supernatural."

"Or just putting two and two together," he laughed a little. It was a beautiful sound. "I have to go," he said, "assuming I still have a job."

"I'm holding you here supernaturally," I said tightening my arm around him.

"I can feel you against me and it's…super…and I'm having a natural reaction."

He hugged me tight and we laughed again. I put my face against him and the envelope from the sisters was still in his shirt pocket and it crinkled and his heart was so steady and true and I kissed him there.

And this disgust for myself hit. Before I sunk my teeth into his neck and just latched on in the sickest of ways I pulled back. He was doing too much, giving too much. I was going to drain him.

I let him go and sat up beside him. I tried to smooth my hair, comb it with my fingers.

He stood and stretched and his beauty filled my shabby room. His Sunday clothes were rumpled. He was sticking his feet in his shoes then he sat on the bed to tie them and the bow of his back captivated me and I ran my hand over it.

"Edward," I said, pausing to cover my mouth and yawn hugely. He finished with his shoes, then he stood there retucking his shirt. I wiped at tears in my eyes. "Everyday I know you…you give me more reasons to love you. Not that I need them. But…."

He laughed a little, then he bent to kiss me. His lips were so comforting. I made myself refrain from clinging to him but I did rub my fingers on one of his sideburns. He had a scratchy morning beard. It just made his lips more sinful.

He straightened. "Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what…Moon-Doggie?" I fluttered my lashes.

He laughed then and kind of tackled me on the bed and tickled me a little, just a little. It didn't last, there was heaviness in me, but it had been a noble effort and I was smiling easily.

He pulled back and looked at me. "You coming in to work? Or…I get it if you can't look at him."

"Um…I don't know. He told me I didn't need to...as in never again. So…."

"He's such a bastard."

"Edward…if you need to take a break from me…I mean we've been together a lot and then you have to work with him…."

He stood up then and turned away from me and ran his hands through his thick dark hair. He had actually growled and I could see the strength in his back and shoulders. "What will you do today?"

I didn't know. I had to think. "Naomi told me yesterday we have to go to Mr. Jenks office to see about Mama's estate. We go around one, I think."

He turned back toward me. "Oh. That sounds important." He kept his voice even, like everything we shared wasn't so bizarre.

"Please just…what I said about a break…."

"Bella…are you trying to get rid of me?"

"No. It's the opposite. I feel…very attached. I'm worried that…I know you have another life…friends…things you like to do. You've done enough for me. More than enough."

"Sometimes you have to be the one who needs so others can have the blessing of giving," he said, his dark eyes shining with his cleverness.

"Oh. Yeah. But there has to be a limit," I said, my chin lifting a little.

"Yeah…well I'll let you know. Right now…I'm doing what I want to do. A girl told me that too…people do what they want."

"Okay," I took in a big breath. "You have to go." I said. "Are you going to be able to work for Charlie without losing it? He's not worth it."

We'd made it to the door of my room now and he held my hands and kissed my knuckles. He looked pleased with himself for remembering the quotes. "You're kind of adorable in the morning," he said.

"Adorable? Try telling that to Charlie."

We laughed some. But inside…I wanted him to stay…forever.

"Oh, the book." I pulled my hands from his and hurried to my shelves, digging around my collection of yellow Nancy Drew books. I found One and Two and put them in his hands.

"Thanks," he said. "She'll be happy."

We kissed some more, but I fumbled for the knob and pulled the door open against us and pushed him a little. He got the message and slipped out. I didn't follow him. But I watched him go to Mama's room.

"It's empty," he whispered.

I nodded, relieved. But even with my bladder ready to burst I wasn't ready to go out there. He looked at me as he went down the stairs and I blew him a kiss and he winked.

I went to the window and watched. In seconds I heard him on the porch and the sound of him feeding Sooner. Then I waited a little more. As if he knew I watched he appeared below walking backwards and looking up at me. He pointed to the porch and mouthed something.

I put my hands up like, What? And he held his hands apart like he was showing me something small. Then he pointed to the porch and held up eight fingers.

I had puppies.


	23. Chapter 23

Finding My Thunder 23

As soon as Edward left I grabbed clean clothes and holding my hand up to shield my eyes from the sight of Mama's empty room I hurried to the bathroom. There I washed and dressed, failing to ignore the box of things that did not belong to anyone I knew which sat on the floor under the pedestal sink, the Spoolies, the Jergens lotion, the White Rain Hairspray and Pond's cold cream, lots of brush curlers and pink sticks to hold them in place. A giant can of Right Guard. This was the one bathroom and I was sharing it now.

I was held in three very emotional realities: One, I was, to the core of my being, in love with Edward. Two, moving Mama's things hit me so hard it was like I was facing her death with a new kind of amazement. Three: My home was invaded.

I wore a dress, one I had ordered from the J. C. Penny's catalogue with some money Naomi had given me last Christmas. It was the best dress I had, my favorite dress ever put together. It was an orangey brown with a cream colored mod-type pattern over it. It had a scooped neckline, flared some in the skirt with a ruffle around the hem. It tied at the waist. The sleeves were long and with elastic around the wrists that could be pushed to my elbows. I did that. I left my hair long and pinned it back on each side with barrettes. I changed out my hoops for some long fake tarnished gold earrings.

Good or bad this was me, and I said that to myself looking in the mirror. I hoped I didn't look childish or something. I turned to the side and stood on my tip-toes to see if my breasts made much of a show and they did. Not spectacular, but not back-row either, so it would do. Maybe they would help me look more than twelve years old.

Back to my room. I did not put my hand up this time to shield my eyes from Mama's bare room. I even walked to the door and looked in thankful Edward had done it first that morning and told me the coast was clear.

I walked into the middle. I stood upon her magic carpet, the one she couldn't ride out of here. I wondered when she had given in, when was the moment?

I already knew it was way before the lump in her breast. That lump was just the ticket to glory-land. Way before that she quit. I was not judging her harsh, I didn't think I was, but when had she decided her life was so heavy she was pinned beneath it, trapped and dying?

Did I even know? Or had I brought her a cheese sandwich or some soup and here she'd just said to herself, in her mind, I quit. I'm dying now. When did she pull the plug on herself? Was it during Columbo, or while I read her my homework?

I couldn't of done it myself, packed her up. It was brutal…this new family pushing in…dismantling Mama. They had no right being here, no conscience. But it wasn't them. It was Charlie. He knew.

Naomi would say, Hate will change you. Wash it off. Get washed. You can not take a fire into your breast and not be burned, she would say.

How I loved that image of a girl swallowing fire, a girl licking the smoke off her fingers, swallowing big and smiling, smiling, until she turned red, until the fire burst out of her mouth, her eyes, and she disappeared into ash…but she burned some of the world before she left, she singed it good and black.

I wanted a cigarette.

I could self destruct in front of Charlie. But wasn't that what Mama had done? It didn't change a thing. When someone wanted you dead, wanted you gone, the very best thing you could do to help their cause was to die.

I wasn't here to help his cause, that I did know. I'd left the notion of killing myself in the bathroom that afternoon I held the razor blade.

The one I was really mad at and couldn't even get to…the one who had taken herself beyond me as if I didn't matter…was Mama.

Hate for Charlie made me want to turn on something…a bottle through a window. But hate for what she'd done could easy make me turn on myself.

I heard Naomi's voice like a tape in my head…hate changed a person.

And so did love. Naomi's kind. Her ladies. The love Edward had awakened in me and the bargain I had made with God…for my beloved.

Dickens reacting to a friendly kiss. Alice trying on my shoes. Sooner. This was my heart. Hate could squeeze me, choke me, pierce me…but it could not choke the love from me…it would not.

Love had to win.

At one o'clock that afternoon we were sitting at that big smooth table in Mr. Jenks office, me and Naomi. She wore her blue hat, the one reminded me of a flying saucer cause the netting swirled round and round. She wore that and she sat there holding her big purse. She looked at me and smiled cause I was staring at her.

That morning as I left my house, I stepped quietly past the living room where Loreena's two children slept, the girl on the couch, the boy on the floor. I was not jealous…but I did pity them and that surprised me much as anything. They didn't know yet, life with Charlie Swan was sinking sand.

Once outside I had looked under the porch and seen the puppies, the mix of innocent colors. I dragged the bag of dog-food off the porch to the entrance Sooner used to go under and rolled the sides down so it made kind of a bowl and she could help herself. Then I put that right under the porch, but I had to keep my dress clean so I could not go climbing under just yet, bad enough my hands already smelled like dog-food.

I had hours to kill. So, I walked some keeping an eye peeled for Tanya's blue car. I took refuge in the library once it opened. I started to look through an art book they had on one of the tables in the quiet section that was often empty. I hadn't been turning the pages long when I came upon a picture of a painting that captured me. It was of a Dutch man and woman…looked like he was going off to war, or he'd just come home, and she was standing there, head bowed, all of her angst in the way she stood. His arm was around her and his attention, the way he looked at her…I'd never seen such an expression captured, but I'd felt that way…with Edward…the way he could look at me, in me, through me to my soul. I don't know how long I looked at that painting. I would think I'd seen it enough, then I'd return to it again and again. I passed those hours that way.

Now I was here in Mr. Jenks' office, picking at my nails and thinking of Alice's little fingers, each tip in chipped pink, each nail bitten. I pictured them holding The Secret of the Old Clock, one of the Nancy Drew books. I pictured her under the covers reading by flashlight and I couldn't help but smile.

And Dickens, lying for Edward, it went with sleeping in James' bed, Edward said. Such admiration in his eyes for his big brother. I pictured him in Edward's bed once he left for the army. I hoped he didn't have to lie for James. Lord.

But before I got sad I thought of the sweet times Edward and me had shared in my room, and I was glad I had these thoughts to bring to this table that shone like still water, and Jenks' strange papers floated along the top like a raft ready to crash into my thoughts, thoughts of Charlie and his new family and they didn't know.

"You can step out Don," Jenks said to his security man and Mr. Jenks waited until he closed the door. Then he turned to us. "Miss Naomi and Isabella I asked you two here today, to make known to both of you the terms of Renee Swan's estate."

Naomi reached over and gave my hand a squeeze. It's like she squeezed my heart too, while she was at it. Hearing Mama's name like this…official…reminded me of the funeral.

"Isn't Mr. Swan supposed to be here?" she asked.

"He's late," Jenks said.

But on cue we heard Charlie talking to Don, the fake jovial voice I knew he saved for special occasions when he had to act normal and was ready to shit his pants. Then the door burst open and slammed against the wall, "Oh shit," Charlie said, then put his hand over his mouth and grabbed the doorknob. He'd seen me, seen Naomi, and all smiles dropped off.

"What the hell is she doing here?" he said looking at Jenks but nodding Naomi's way.

"Have a seat Charlie," Jenks said releasing a big breath.

Charlie yanked out a chair and sat. The air moved with the oil smell and the smell of beer. He'd probably been drinking for a couple of hours by now. Seemed like the white walls moved in about a foot all around.

Mr. Jenks sat at the head of the table, that put Charlie across from Naomi and me. If at any time during this discourse he leapt over that expanse of wood for Naomi, I planned to stop him. I almost laughed at how many times I'd planned how I'd stop Charlie. If I had a knife or a gun I wouldn't have to work so hard.

I was staring at him, pondering if I'd have the guts to use such when he looked back at me, but he couldn't hold my gaze so he shifted his eyes and his butt side to side and Jenks picked up the papers again.

Jenks read how Mama, being of sound mind and body…and Charlie guffawed some on that and cleared his throat…but Jenks went on. I was half listening drowning in my thoughts again, Mama and sound mind, when Charlie slapped the table. It did not ripple like water at all, but held firm like ice.

I could see to the back of Charlie's throat he was that gleeful, mouth open, sounds like hallelujah. "She finally got it right after all this time…all this time she held out…fought against me…that one behind it all," here he pointed to Naomi and I felt myself get ready.

Mama had left the house and land to Charlie. He seemed shocked. I guess he would be, but what did he think she would do? She didn't need it no more. It was the one thing she'd had to use as a weapon in her life and now….

But there was a stipulation, a loss. Naomi was given the patch of ground her house sat on. She had a fenced yard and that was hers.

Well, he didn't like that. "The neighbors are gonna tear it down and carry her off," he said pointing at Naomi. "A Negro will never own property on Willard Street. They was somewhat appeased knowing she didn't own the land, but now…now you have done it," he pounded his middle finger on the top of the table. That finger held straight. I'd been waiting for it to break for years but it never would.

Well, he would sue. He would. He went on and on. Jenks told him to quiet down and Don opened the door.

Charlie didn't like Don opening the door. He stood then, his finger pointing at Naomi, pointing at me. We were all in cahoots according to him.

I was on my feet and words were flying out of my mouth. "You're not going to do anything. Not to anyone, you're not," I said. Then I told them all, "He's already moved a new family into the house."

"That's my business," he yelled at me. "You're the shame. Tell her," he pointed at Naomi again, "you got that boy up in there spending the night? Bet she don't know about that."

I was leaning over the table toward him and he was pulled back some.

"Don't you even speak of him. You don't know anything," I said.

"Oh, I don't know? I know what you are…I know that. You are black as her, black all the way in. Always have been. I want you out of my house…just like I said."

"Charlie," Mr. Jenks said standing, "sit down and shut up."

"I will move out…I will go peaceable," I said to Charlie. "But you have to agree to leave Naomi in peace."

"You won't tell me what to do."

Naomi was pulling on me.

"No," I said to her, but I did not take my eyes from him. "I got you in me you sick Mister, much as you'd deny it. You're the black in me. You. If you make a move against Naomi I will come after you for support. I can be as crazy as you I got nothing else to do and I'll start with your new family. I'll fill their ears to bursting. From my room. You can't get me out I don't go willingly. Not without a big shameful to-do."

Then to Jenks I said, "He has never been a father to me. But if he tries to hurt Naomi in any way I will bring his shame upon him and the whole town will know."

"You ain't mine," he sneered back. "You ain't ever' been mine."

"Mr. Jenks," I said, looking at the sweating lawyer, "please write him a paper saying he will not sue Naomi and that he will do nothing against her." Then I looked at Charlie. "You will sign that paper and I will move out of your house and leave you alone."

Mr. Jenks sighed and scribbled on the back of one of his papers. He read it back to me in a monotone and it sounded better, more cleaned up. "You don't need this Bella. You're a minor child. By law you're his responsibility."

"Now sign that paper," I said to Charlie.

"I told you girl…you don't tell me what to do. Not ever."

"Think of it this way then. I am telling you what you better not do. You better not miss this chance. You sign it…I move out of Mama's house." It's at this moment I became aware of my legs. They were shaking.

"He still needs to support you, Bella," Mr. Jenks said.

"He never has. He never will. I will have more without him. That's what Mama knew. I can get a job…."

"Not after throwing that rock through my window. The whole town seen what you are and there's no one to blame but yourself."

"I can get a job," I repeated to Mr. Jenks. "I don't need him. But he don't sign that paper…I'll be on him everyday. From my room."

He stared at me, such hate, contempt. It was out.

I slowly started to realize Naomi held me by the shoulders. All at once she released me and slumped to her chair, her face in her hands. I ceased to care about Charlie. Mr. Jenks and me were around her. She asked for a glass of water and his secretary entered quickly with a cone shaped paper cup and handed this to Naomi and she drank.

Charlie was almost quiet…almost…his mind calculating his good fortune if my Meemaw would keel over and go to the shanty town in the sky that lurked behind the streets of gold reserved for the white folks.

He bent over quick and sudden and scrawled his name beneath Jenks' writing.

When he straightened he started again and I said, "You got what you wanted, now leave."

"Just a minute. Renee left Isabella her clothes and her records," Jenks said.

"They will be on the porch with the rest of her shit. I want it off there by tonight or it goes in the garbage."

Charlie was ushered out, cajoled out by Don. He was already exonerating himself, building his case for Loreena and the children tonight, for his cronies at the shop, for anyone who would listen. He was poor picked on Charlie Swan.

But me…what was I?


	24. Chapter 24

Finding My Thunder 24

Naomi wanted to drive me home, but I wanted to walk. I was wishing I hadn't made that deal with God about not drinking. Now after the day's events, I expected to be as low as I could go…but I wasn't. I didn't know what I was feeling I just knew I needed to get away from Naomi so I could figure it out.

She had been talking pretty much non-stop once she got that water and Mr. Jenks had a fan brought in. We talked for over an hour there.

Mama had no life insurance, well it hadn't been kept up. Mr. Jenks didn't seem to understand how we lived on nothing. We'd sold all Granma's jewelry. We sold her silver. One by one any of the antiques had any worth, they went. The Oriental rugs. Once a stained glass window right out of the dining room wall. It had been boarded over since sixty-two. An old piano and a clarinet. Urns, old tools, old fishing equipment, typewriter, suitcases, paintings, lamps and lots of dishes and glassware, the mantle right off the fireplace in the dining room, and the little green tiles around the opening and all the hardware…and a year later the one in the living room.

Not all at once…just a slow leak. We took in six dollars a month from Naomi. Sometimes Charlie threw us some cash, we'd get caught up some, pay taxes, pay electric. One time Mama considered selling her hair. I'd grown up hearing Mama on the phone with bill collectors. Sometimes we unplugged it just so it would stop ringing but sometimes it got shut off and we'd live in peace for a while.

Sometimes bill collectors came to the house. If I was out playing and I saw one making the rounds, I'd run home and tell Mama and we'd hide until he was gone.

Most time we couldn't go in certain shops on the square until Mama paid some money.

She sold Avon for a while. She raised silkworms. She got lectures regular from folks about paying the bills, or what Charlie needed to do. She sold Stanley home products. She sold Tupperware. She sold magazines…Bibles…encyclopedias. She took in ironing. And once she sold pies to Mac.

She didn't do any of it very well for very long. She got bored easy, she said. And every time she went belly-up if Charlie Swan knew about it he held it up like a victory banner. She couldn't do shit, he said.

We ate more from Naomi's kitchen than our own, and the things I had came from cleaning the temple or babysitting for one of the sisters, but that wasn't so much, and I didn't mind the cleaning, but I hated babysitting.

In Jenks' office, Naomi was full of questions about Mama's state of mind when she made her will. Mama had been firm, he said. Didn't want advice or guidance. Told him if he couldn't handle her business she'd find someone who could.

She called it pretty right, Mama did. And like Jenks said, how would I take care of such a place with no income? She hadn't held a regular job besides that time at the dimestore so forget Social Security even.

He sympathized but he did not agree with me letting Charlie off. As a minor child we could take Charlie to court. I didn't need to live in fear of Charlie, he said, and I thought, wasn't he in the room? Didn't he witness how it was with Charlie? I had to protect Naomi. Period. And Charlie Swan give me money? I had my whole life flashing like a neon sign to tell me how that would come out.

I asked him, "What about your bill?" Cause it always came down to that.

"I'll send it to Charlie," he said.

Either way, he wasn't getting paid any time soon.

After, when we were standing on the sidewalk, Naomi wanted to go over the whole sad story with me. I asked her to please just go home and rest and she said she would, but she was worried about me, and I said if I could walk it would help me, it always did, and she said not to be late and I said, I'm pretty used to looking after myself, and she said if we were going to be living together we'd have to get used to letting each other know more. I said I'd work on it.

So I was walking and thinking and just being. I wanted to go back to the library and look at the picture of that painting again. I wished I could keep it with me to look at all the time, but that book couldn't be checked out.

So I brought it up in my mind. The way he held her, the Dutch man, the way she leaned against him. Edward. I loved him. He's the only thing that I couldn't bear to have taken away. That's what was knocking in me. The most valuable thing…Charlie couldn't take. Edward.

Even when Edward left it wouldn't change, this big, wide, high and deep love in me.

Edward pulled up pretty soon. I knew he would, I knew he'd come looking and he'd find me. We were that close. Supernatural.

"Bella…um, honey, get in," he said pulling beside me, pointed in the wrong direction again, like he had to break the rules just to talk to me. I saw it right off, the pity in his face, heard it in his voice. Not him, too, bringing me bad news.

"What is it?" I said, afraid.

"Get in, baby."

I went around the front and got in. Gene Pitney was singing A Town Without Pity on the radio.

"Pretty," Edward said running his dirty fingers over the ruffle on my dress. I grabbed onto him and his arms were around me. The oil smell cause he was coming from the shop, but I didn't care.

"I love you," I said.

He squeezed me tighter and just held me, the engine rumbling the seat, Gene Pitney's decrying of small town life filling my ears, Edward's salty neck under my lips. I felt such love for him I thought I'd fall apart. "You know about it?" I finally asked.

"Some," he said. He pulled back now. His lips were stacked, kind of pouty for me, maybe for himself.

"I have to move in with Naomi," I said. "Now we can't be together…in my room. I don't have it…I don't have a home no more. Not my old one."

"I know it," he said. "But that's what you care about? Me and you getting together?"

"Yes," I answered, pretty amazed. Being with Edward was the main thing.

He shook his head. "You're such a strange girl. You think that's gonna stop us?"

His lips were warm when I kissed them. I didn't want to ever stop. But when I sat back he was just opening his eyes. "Strange in a good way," he smiled. We kissed a little more.

"I knew you'd come," I said.

He laughed now, but it didn't last. I knew he had something bad to tell me and he sat up straighter. "He's thrown your stuff on the porch. He came in crowing about it. He told me I couldn't have my job unless I ended it with you. He wasn't going to let me work there when I was spying for you…or some shit."

"He's just mad. Mama left Naomi her yard. Did he just throw my stuff around? My records?"

He pulled a u-ie with the car. "Yeah. I drove by. They're trying to clean it up…the new people."

It hurt. It made me so angry. "Guess they saw the real him," I said lamely.

"That's not all Bella. He um…I guess Sooner got goin'…," he pulled the car over, pretty much where we'd been, only going in the right direction this time, "and the new people called Bixby. They were trying to pile up your stuff and she attacked them they said. I guess…with the pups…and Sooner needs…a license and Bixby was gonna call the dogcatcher…well it's his cousin Fred. I talked to him, Bixby, and he said if we got her a license and that means she'd need shots, well it would be about forty dollars. We've got to do it by tomorrow or…he's gonna have her put down and the pups too…them being so young."

"No," I whispered, feeling the door behind me where I plastered myself. He pulled me into him and I kept saying no.

"I talked to him, honey. Listen now, we have to get her out of there and she wouldn't let me do it. I thought if we could get her in Naomi's yard…but she won't let anyone in there."

"Oh…okay. Let's go. We have to get her. I mean…can you go…with me?"

"Yeah," he said. "I just took off when Charlie got back to the shop slammin' things around. He called out, "Where you think you're goin'?" and I flipped him off and left. I mean, he told me to choose. He was standin' on the walk and he shouted, "Don't come back."

We looked at each other. "What will Paul say?"

"I don't care. Riley said earlier I can live at his place. The commune." He laughed then but…Lord.

He was driving in the direction of Willard Street.

"Edward…where am I gonna get money like that?"

"Don't worry about it. I've got some. We'll get it together."

I leapt across the seat and grabbed onto him and I felt him grab the wheel hard to stay in his lane. I was sorry right away, but not sorry I grabbed him, just that I'd nearly made him wreck James' car.

When we pulled to my former house, my things were neatly piled pretty much. Sooner was so agitated that she came out from under the porch as soon as I touched the gate. She was barking and snapping. I told Edward to stay out and I tried to open the gate but she pounced on it and it slammed shut. For a minute I thought she caught herself and recognized me, but just as soon she attacked the gate again, barking vicious.

"Mom wants to call the deputy back," the boy said through the door.

"No," I said. "She'll be fine. Just…go away from the door. She don't know you," I said.

Then to Edward I said, "Get back in the car, Edward. I think it's both of us. She doesn't know what to do."

"You get in too. Let them call the deputy. You're going to get bit."

"She won't bite me," I insisted, but she doesn't want you this close. I'm sorry. Please get in the car."

He went to the trunk and opened it and took out the tire iron. "I'll stand here, but I swear if that dog goes for you I'm going in there."

Sooner still didn't like it, but she started to calm some. She was panting hard and her poor teats were nearly dragging the ground. I kept speaking soothingly. She calmed a little more and went to the porch to look at her pups very worriedly. I stepped through the gate then. She ran out and barked at me a little, then seemed to realize it was me. She came closer with her head down and her tail wagged just a little. I kept reassuring her.

"Hey Edward, go on and drive around to Naomi's. I'm going to put the puppies in my skirt and walk them back there so she'll follow."

"No you're not," he said. "She will take your head off."

"She won't if you leave. She doesn't like all the people. Go on. I'll be okay."

"Damn it Bella," he said, but he got in the car at least.

I went deeper in the yard toward the entrance to the porch. I kept talking to her. She went in ahead of me to the pups. I went under a little and pushed on her food bag pretending to be feeding her or something. She came next to me and nosed around, sniffing out the food. I put my hand on her and started to pet her and talk to her. She licked my hand, then my face. I stopped petting her, but now she was following me to the pups. She stood by while I started to sort through them and put them in the hammock I'd made out of my full skirt. I talked to her the whole time. She whined a little, and nosed over the pups, and took one and put it back and I laughed a little cause I had to take it and put it in my lap again. Well they looked as different as they could. Like there were a few different fathers for sure, or this dog had all the sizes, shapes and colors God ever made for canines in her blood like she was the Eve of all dogs.

I was squatting, and I raised a little so I could walk awkward with all those puppies in my pouch and me a kangaroo. I remembered wanting to keep this dress clean this morning. I hoped it held now cause I had about twelve pounds or so in its skirt.

I waddled awkwardly from under there and stood with a groan. Edward was waiting. "Go on," I said, and he looked at me like I was the craziest girl he ever met, and maybe I was, but it felt so good to rescue these pups. Once he pulled away I just kept talking to my Sooner and she followed me along, sniffing and lifting her front legs off the ground trying to figure out what I was fixing to do with her brood.

I stumbled along through the yard, my dress pulled tight against my legs in back, but lifted high in front and I didn't even know if my underwear were showing cause it would just be my half-slip cause God forbid the sun should light a woman's skirt and her form be seen. I didn't care at all either. This was working.

Edward waited at Naomi's gate. He had it opened wide. I didn't know what he was doing with me. But I loved him so much, standing there. He looked at my legs and looked away, "Bella Swan I swear to God," he said, "there is never a dull moment with you."

"Huh?" I said, but I heard him, and Sooner was walking along with me. She didn't feel so territorial here so she didn't pay Edward much attention at all, and he put his hands on that pouch of dogs, that was my dress, so basically his big hands were up and under it and he was walking backwards and dragging me along and I stumbled after and he said, "Where?"

And I said, "There," meaning around back, towards Mama's as the back of this house faced the back of Mama's and it was most private from the alley. So we walked back there, and he looked at me and we were close and I laughed and so did he. "Got my hands under your dress," he said. "You know you're showing everything, and that little pervert Charlie moved in will probably be back here lookin' in your windows now."

"Not with my Sooner around," I said, and we reached a good place beside the back porch and I bent my knees and kept my legs spread like the biggest whore ever and we lowered those puppies all the way down and moved them off my dress.

Well he was laughing at all of them, and he said, "This dog is such a get around. There's something looks like a beagle, but I swear this is a German Shepherd."

"What would Alice think of these?" I said.

He was squatted next to me. "Oh man if she saw these we'd have the biggest beg-fest goin' on. Paul would never say yes. Poor kid," he held a yellow looking bulldog, up close to his face. "Hey buddy. You're just one in a pack, just like me." He laughed.

"But she can come and see them, I hope. Wouldn't she like to hold one of these? She'd die," I said, sitting on the ground, my legs out straight while I held a red one. Sooner was wheedling between us trying to get to her puppies. I moved so she could. She was sniffing over them and rearranging them too.

Edward plopped to the ground beside me and ran his hand over my leg, "I'm about to die."

I laughed at him. "You know what? We could name these for your whole family. How many are there?"

"Seven kids and two parents. That's nine. Guess number ten could be Bella," he said squeezing my leg right above my knee.

We were laughing. Then someone pulled up but we couldn't see the drive-way from where we were. It had to be Naomi. Sooner took off round the front of the house. I handed Edward the puppy I'd been holding and ran after Sooner. Naomi was afraid of dogs.

It was Naomi and Sister Debra. Sister Debra, big as she was, was already out of the car. She was whooping and sitting on the hood of the car with her legs straight out. Naomi was inside the vehicle laying on the horn and yelling, "Get out of here," at the dog who was barking fierce.

I grabbed Sooner by the scruff of her neck. "Quiet," I yelled.

Edward wasn't far behind me. He stomped his boots and Sooner backed off and ran back to the pups.

One of the neighbor men came to see what went on. Then another. Edward went to talk to them. I helped Debra off the car. She'd lost one of her shoes so I helped her get it back on. Naomi was asking where that hound from hell had come from, that she had fought the devil in all his forms and now this.

I said, "It's my dog. She's got pups too, but she's really nice once she gets to know you…she's just upset."

When Edward was finished talking to the neighbors he said his helloes to the ladies then walked to me. "Nosey bastards," he said. "They got nothing better to do. We need to get your stuff off that porch before the other crazy man gets home. If he ain't there already."

"You don't have to do that too!" I said.

"I'm going to ride back around and load the car. You stay here and keep the dog quiet and make it up to Miss Blue," he said. Then he kissed me.

So that's what he did. I kissed him good-bye around five times and went in the house. Sister Debra had her shoes off and her belt slung over the back of a kitchen chair. Naomi was in the bathroom but she talked loud, carrying on a conversation with Sister while she did her business. They were trading dog stories, the kind that helped them remember how much they hated dogs.

"Girl," Debra said, "you all ain't gonna keep that dog up in here. She don't want no dog."

I went out back and got a puppy and went in to the bathroom door. "Naomi?"

She yanked the door. She was wearing her robe. "Don't be bringing those animals into this house," she said.

"But look at it, Naomi. Ain't it the cutest ever?" I kissed its little head.

"Don't be putting your mouth on that nastiness," she rebuked me. "Let me see that thing…that's just like a rat. That's all that is."

"You know that ain't so," I whined following her into the kitchen. "Look at his little paws."

"What about that big one attacked us?" Debra said filling the kettle.

"Just defending her pups," I said. "She just has to figure out you ain't going to hurt her."

"But I am going to hurt her she comes at me like that. She's got to go, Bella. I can't have a vicious dog in the yard. The neighbors are already complaining. You know I can't afford that kind of notice, especially now." She was trying to be stern, but I knew she didn't want to be stern with me. Not after the day we'd had.

"You got that fine man just waitin' on you and you in here carryin' on over a dog? Girl…what's the matter with you?" Debra pointed to her head.

"Oh…hold this," I said handing the puppy to Naomi.

She was saying, "No," as I handed the little mite off. I ran out of the house and across the yard then, across Mama's yard, too and around her house. Edward was putting a load of my clothes into his trunk. The boy was helping him load up. I could see Mama's records and clothes there too. Charlie had gotten right on it.

I really didn't want to see him again tonight. So I was loading things really quickly. My books and records, my clothes. My bedspread and curtains. Shoes. My stuff from the bathroom packed in the same toilet tissue box I'd seen their things in that morning.

Last thing was the dog food. Edward put it in the front where my feet went. I got in on his side and sat in the middle with my feet on the seat.

We went around the block then down the alley. Edward pulled close to the gate. "I don't know why I feel so happy all of a sudden when I just got kicked out of my home."

"Yeah me too. I lost my job."

"I guess I lost my job too, but I'm not sure I ever had it so…."

Back at Naomi's house we put everything on the porch. I wouldn't let Edward do any more than that. It was enough. It was a lot of stuff, but not when I thought about it being everything I owned.

Debra and Naomi came out right away and Naomi handed me the pup. "Cute little rat," she said. Then they started to bring things inside right away. Naomi was setting me up in the back room, the one that had belonged to Jacob.

Edward went back to the pups and I followed and put the one back in the nest. Sooner was nursing them now and I helped this one get near a teat. Then I got Edward a glass of iced tea. "I'm gonna finish helping them with my stuff and I'll be right back," I said watching his throat work. He about drained that glass. "You want some more?" He nodded and I went in and refilled.

After I helped them carry it in, I went back to Edward and the pups. We sat there on the steps but we ended lying on the grass, and we each had one lying on our stomachs. "What you gonna do for a job now?" I said.

"I don't know. Go back in the morning and see if he means it. If he don't…I'll be fine. I can only go up."

"That boy he moved in seems okay," I said.

"The girl too. They…what are they gonna do, you know? That mother has a screw loose."

"Yeah. The only hard thing is…my room. That's it."

I looked at him and he looked at me and his hand came to gently touch my face.

"You like to touch my cheek or something?" I asked him smiling.

"I think of touching you…all the time," he whispered.

Then we heard it, the rapping on the kitchen window. He sat up and looked, but I just sighed and looked at the sky. It would be so different now.


	25. Chapter 25

Finding My Thunder 25

An hour after we were lying with the puppies we were sitting around Naomi's table eating dinner. Sister Debra had brought over ham hocks and greens and cornbread and she sliced tomatoes from her garden. Edward ate so much he said he could barely breathe. Debra asked if she could play one of Mama's records and I said sure. I'd stacked them in the living room by the record player so we could all enjoy them now.

Pretty soon Nina Simone was singing Four Women. Oh my God in heaven, Naomi and me flew from the table. I went back for Edward. "Come on," I said, pulling on him. He was slow to get up so I ran after Debra and Naomi.

They were moving to the music. Naomi just a little, but I joined them quickly and our eyes closed we swayed. They had taught me to do this since I was little. Just sway, eyes closed. I peeked at Edward. He stood in the doorway. "Come on," I said, but he shook his head, so I closed my eyes and lifted my arms and turned in a slow circle.

"Yes Lawwwd," Debra said, and I moved between them and we did let the music get in us, and our feet. Naomi played the first woman in the song named, "Aunt Sarah." That was her role, Aunt Sarah the tried and true, so she danced in the middle of us.

Then she stepped back and I played the next one, the girl with some white, some black, Saffronia, who belonged to two worlds.

After me came Debra. Since there were only three of us, she played the prostitute and the last one, the militant. We loved this so much. It felt so joyful to celebrate these women. To let Edward see who we were behind the doors, and these were the doors I lived behind now.

Well philosophically, Naomi had her differences with Nina. Nina did not hold so much with Dr. King's non-violent platform for Civil Rights. She was, in Naomi's opinion, a militant. But when it came to her music, philosophies went out the door.

We laughed and clapped and spoke the words along…yes Lord, Mmm-hmmm. Nothing made me feel the history of black women like this song. Nothing. Like a richness to be worn with a shining understanding. We sang the words and Edward siddled past us and half fell onto the couch. He was sprawled there looking interested.

He was happy to watch, comfortable with it. Song after song, I was up and down as they danced and clapped. Sometimes I sat with him holding his hand, then back up dancing with them. They could go on forever and they did, we did, song after song. Naomi's moves were small but when there was soul there was power.

I pulled Edward up when Black is the Color of My True Love's Hair began on Nina's low note singing that word, "Black..."

He was saying, "What?" but he let me pull him close by then, and I put my arms around his shoulders and he humored me and swayed a little.

Naomi and Debra left the room and I moved closer to Edward. I had my hands on the back of his head now, in his hair and I was smiling and tears filling and streaming, and looking at him, I knew my face was unguarded and he looked at me, reflecting what I know I felt.

There was hardly any beat to move to, but Nina's voice rippling up and down. Singing 'black' in her quavering voice. Our bodies were together as she played it so sparsely so richly. "Black is the color of my true love's hair."

I stepped onto his boots with my bare toes and reached his warm lips for a kiss. Then I laid my head on his shoulder and his hands, the strongest hands, were open against my back. And her words, her voice…I could not feel more as she sang how she loved him.

She sang of being one. I felt one with Edward. Knitted with him in my depths.

It was over soon, and I knew Naomi had left the room because for her the song was her son Jacob. For Debra it was her husband in Vietnam.

But for me…it was this beating heart, this beautiful face and strong brown body against me, it was these eyes I fell into every time I looked, it was this black hair where I'd buried my fingers and these lips that moved so readily to mine.

My true love.


	26. Chapter 26

Finding My Thunder 26

Sooner's barking awakened me. I knew it probably also awakened Naomi, and perhaps the rest of the neighborhood. I was up quick and to the door. There stood Edward in his clean work clothes, Sooner dancing around him like she'd never seen him before.

He held two twenty dollar bills in his hand. I had on my pink nightgown, short and shear, but I didn't care around him, and he seemed happy about it, his eyes sweeping down then back to mine like they'd been turned to high heat. He kind of gulped. "This is for Sooner. I don't know if Charlie expects me to work so I don't think I can take you to the vet and all. So you're going to have to find a way…unless I am fired, then I'll be back. I won't be able to call if I still have a job cause of Charlie, but if he goes out I'll call then if I can't…."

I jumped a little and kissed him and he bowed over me as I lowered keeping it going, then I stepped up on his boots with my bare feet and it straightened him a little and the kiss went on and I couldn't get enough. There was nothing more to say time that kiss ended and we just stood there against each other on the porch, his arms around me, joined at the curve of my lower back, his mouth against my neck and his breath in my ear so warm, him tall and strong and love in his arms.

I finally noticed that Sooner had quieted. It was such a peaceful, beautiful moment.

"I don't know if she's gonna work out here, Bella. I know you can't bear to hear it, honey, but she don't like Naomi," he said.

"I know," I said quiet.

"What are we gonna do with her?"

"She's…," I felt tears welling.

"Maybe we can take her to the commune," he said quickly.

I pulled back. "You think?"

"I'll ask Riley. They live in the country. Maybe they'd take her and the pups. Time they can get weaned we can maybe find them homes…or you can. They'll have a chance at least, even if we took them to the shelter. People might adopt a young dog."

I nodded. I didn't miss the fact he didn't think he'd be here by the time they were weaned. "And maybe once her pups are gone I can bring her back here," I said spinning a hopeful happy ending like Walt Disney or something.

He smiled. "Maybe," he said, much the same tone he used on Alice.

"Another reason to love you," I said trying not to let the sadness the idea of him being gone always brought.

We parted slow. He looked back a few times as he walked to the car, shook his head smiling. I was hanging on the porch post watching him, his black hair long and sexy, spilling onto his forehead, his white t-shirt visible in the neck of his denim work shirt, his jeans fitting him straight and manly and his brown leather belt and the buckle, his boots brown too. He made me want to cheer, he just did.

Sooner ran back and forth from the puppies to the front gate to watch Edward as he got in his car. He looked at me a few more times and made kiss lips at me before pulling into the alley and I nearly died as he pulled away.

Sooner wasn't barking, but she was frantic and I was kind of stuck there looking after Edward, feeling those kisses—the one he'd gave me, the one he'd sent me. My heart ached.

Noise at the door behind me snapped me to. Naomi was awake, hair in rollers, scarf tied over, quilted house coat buttoned to the neck, scuffies on, her holding the screen wide for me. Sooner started to bark, but over this she said clear, "We got to talk baby girl."

I followed her inside, Edward's money clutched in my hand.

"Edward gave me the money for Sooner. I'm going to walk her to the vets, then take her over to the police station and get a license."

"Sit down Bella," she said and I didn't like it, the serious tone. I didn't know if he still had a job, I didn't know if Charlie would be hideous to him.

"That young man…has a fine character," she was putting coffee together in the electric percolator.

"Yes," I said.

"A young man gives you money…it is a cord that binds you."

"What? It's for the dog."

"I don't doubt he is sincere."

"We have to get a license and that means shots. It's required for a dog that lives in town."

"That dog is drawing too much attention…causing disturbance. It's not fair to the neighbors. Word gets out you moved here…I own this land. It stirs trouble. We got to live low to the ground. I always have. That dog…honey it can't stay here. I got people come here…sometimes children. Sister Debra can't pull up here and get attacked. I can't get attacked."

"I think if she could just have a few days she would calm down. She needs a chance at least."

She pulled out a chair and sat across from me while the coffee got ready. "What about today? What about someone comes and we're not here? How am I gonna get to my car if you're not here? And the noise. Honey you have got to face what is."

I breathed out and put my face in my hands. Then I looked at her. "Edward says we could maybe take her to the country. He's finding out."

"That might work, then." She got up and poured coffee then came back to the table. "I sure don't want to be the one to take one more thing from you."

I couldn't look at her. Such a wave of self pity hit I thought I might break. "No girl I know has a crazy life like mine. My own mother…and Charlie Swan? What did he ever do for me? To me…there's a list…but for me? Moving me out? Her not leaving me anything but some rags and some songs…humiliated in front of everyone…Edward even…my stuff on the porch…them touching my things…my underwear even? I can't even have a dog? You talk to me about God…and I been praying like you always say…asking God…. But if He's in the mood…He'll take Edward, too. He'll let me know this…love…and yes I love him before you ask, and I know you will…I love him, but if God takes him…I…." I was so frustrated these words were never going to be enough.

She reached over and captured one of my hands, but I didn't want her touching me.

"I see you love him. I'd like to make it something different for you…but I can't. I don't have power over the universe. But…you can't try to hold him here with your body."

"I'm not," I whispered. Was I?

"I was wonderin' when things would catch up to you. It's been a rough patch," she said smiling at me with all this sympathy.

She said, "In Snyder Town… I have to go around tellin' folks…expect something good. God loves you and he wants you to have something good. They think it's supposed to be hard. They don't expect nothin' else.

"But here in Ludicrous with the white folks…in Corning at the hospital…I got to say…expect something bad once in a while. It will happen. Sometimes a lot of bad at once. It don't mean God's gone away.

"And you're in one of those seasons where it has just kept comin'. But seasons change."

"I just want it to stop," I said.

"This is life. We don't ask God to stop life…do we?"

"I want Edward to be safe. Stop life if that's what it takes, stop the world. I want Edward to make it."

"Life keeps changing. Because it is alive. Dead things…they don't change, Bella."

"Are we talking about Jacob…you losing Jacob?" I asked. "I always feel like we are…maybe I imagine it…I don't know…." I knew it was rude, I was over a line, but so was she. I thought so anyway.

She was quiet for a minute, rubbing her hand on the table. "If Jacob had come to me…with a tag like something from a store…a tag saying I only got him for twenty years…no longer. And I took one look, and even with that tag, that twenty year…shelf life in this world…you know what I would say…all over again…full knowledge now that he wasn't ever gonna see a full life…you know what I would say?"

I shrugged because I did know what she'd say but far be it from me to ruin her punchline.

"I would say…where do I sign up to know this boy…to have him in my life?" She had smacked the table, spilling her coffee but her eyes were on me, big and bright.

"So…it was worth all the pain. I don't think Mama would agree." I said it intensely and none to nice, but we were talking real and she was staring hard at me.

"Why you say that?" she said sitting back slow.

"It's what broke her. I know it."

"How do you know this? What did she tell you?"

"Tell me? Nothing. Like you. Nothing. But…she loved him. I've known…a long time. I just…wasn't listening until…before she died."

"I don't know about that. What broke her," Naomi said careful.

"You told her in the hospital she'd given up on herself. You said Jacob had done that too."

She looked down. "They were friends," she said. "But it didn't do anyone any good to talk about it." Then she did look at me, bottom lip jutting, a small tremble there, just once, "We are in the south. Things are easily misconstrued. That's all. Another time…another place they might have had some things in common, close to the same age…and he loved to grow things. But here…then…and now…clear lines."

"She said things…you heard her. He was inside of her growing…was it Jacob?"

"That was the cancer talking," she said.

"She said it at the house."

She stared out the window for a minute shaking her head and not looking at me. "When he died…well she'd known him. She knew it was a shame. She was very sad. But I was so sad…I lost track of others for a time. Yes I did. I…did not comfort her…as I should have. But…she had you."

Oh, she had me. No comfort at all. But there were good days. Days she tried, long spells even. "I'm sorry about Jacob, too. I didn't mean to bring it up…well, I want more than some short shelf-life for Edward."

"You think I didn't…with Jacob?"

I did not answer. I stared at her and felt mad and weary.

"Love…there's never enough. It's never long enough. You can't grab on enough. It leaves you wanting…. In its absence you hurt and suffer and you start to think while you rage…while you weep…and you realize something…if you're lucky…if you win something…something in the end…you have to give love regardless of what you get back…regardless of what it costs you. And it always costs. But to not give it…to quit…well there they are…Jacob. Renee."

She was off somewhere, in herself.

"I'm not my mother," I said. "I do love. I love you. And I love Edward."

She smiled at me, tired and sad. "As far as that young man goes you have to use your head…not just your heart. You have to put that love in the real world," she said.

I didn't want to be trapped now under her preaching lips, voice, eyes that no mortal could hold for long.

But in truth, I had used Mama and Naomi…I had bounced between them…used one to relieve myself of the other…each sympathetic to me for what I must put up with from the other…my two worlds. But having two worlds kept me from struggling through to really know and let myself be known. I'd had the sick luxury of hiding in these two places, running away before I had to do the dirty work of compromise.

"I love Edward," I said again like that was the most intelligent thing I'd ever done and it was enough. But then I remembered Tanya. Her spit and her slap. That was real enough. And James. In the clubhouse. That, too, had been real. His looming return. Naomi had no idea of the reality this love was rooted in.

"Already you've spent the night with him," she said between sips of her coffee.

Charlie had blurted that. I'd wondered if it would come up. "Yes."

"You've had sexual relations?"

My fingers were tapping against the table. "No. I…want to." My chin went up. "We've kissed. But…not what you're asking."

"You are familiar with him. That nightie. You are comfortable with him."

"I didn't think about it. The dog was barking."

"You gave him something to think about. And he will. You have to be careful. Do not soon awaken love. He is going to war. There is no covenant…no promise for the future."

"Should I ask him to marry me before he goes? Would that make you happy?"

"Are you ready to marry?" She sounded angry, too.

"I get it. You've got my dog and her puppies. You've got me…and you don't want my puppies."

She had to laugh a little, but I was still mad. And so was she.

I remembered Edward saying we were too young, when Alice asked if we were getting married. I had agreed, but in my heart I knew I would marry him. And that scared me—marriage. Mama and Charlie. Marriage terrorized me so I was somewhat quelled from her infuriating question.

I started to play with the salt and pepper shakers that looked like small refrigerators. I'd always loved these things. "Just don't get into preacher mode," I said.

She looked a little hurt. She was aware she did this, and joked about it sometimes. I knew she tried not to, but she was going right in this morning.

"I am a preacher," she said. "This free love idea floating all over the place isn't new. If love was governed by intelligence as well as emotion we wouldn't have so many babies without parents to guide them."

"I know you're the love expert," I said hoping to snap her out of it.

"No," she eased back in the chair and smiled sadly. "No." She pointed up.

We sat in silence for a minute. "Bella, give yourself a chance to finish school and develop some skills to be able to take care of yourself in this world. Use the gifts God gave you…not just your body…use your mind and be powerful. Love with strength and intelligence. Be able to do something for others. Love from a place of wisdom."

"I'm just a kid," I said. "You make everything so difficult…like I have to know all this…. I'm not a preacher. That's you. I'm fifteen."

"Nearly sixteen," she whispered, trying to tease but I didn't smile.

But she'd let go of my hand a few minutes before when we got mad. But this time when she took it, squeezed it, I didn't pull away.

"You're a young woman. Just starting to emerge. It takes time, baby girl, to understand yourself. You have to be thoughtful to give yourself time."

"Edward is good. And I love him." I looked at her. "Just…let me be with him and figure it out. I'm not stupid."

She smiled at me. But it was sad. "I wouldn't take him away. I'm not that powerful…am I?"

"I'll be…thoughtful." And I had no idea what that meant, but she seemed a little relieved that I'd used her word.

I was walking again, this time with Sooner, a rope leash, her agitated and breathing, teats huge. Dr. Cowlie lived two blocks over. He had a veterinary in his basement. He was old but kind. His backyard was an animal graveyard, a potter's field for cats and dogs. It was creepy and caring and weird.

I went in and the old lady he'd had as an assistant for a hundred years was behind a tall roll-top desk.

"I got a dog that I took in and it had puppies and I need to get it a license and so I need shots for her."

"You have an appointment with Doc?"

"No Ma'am. Just…I walked her over here cause I have to get the license today."

"You the Swan girl?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"I think you have an open account. Your mother. Some cats she took in…never paid Doc." She rifled through an old card file long as a shoebox. Oh Lord would the torture never end?

"I don't know about that. I only have the money for this dog." I was thanking God Edward had not been here to witness my further humiliation.

"What's the matter Nellie?" Doc came from the back room in his white coat.

Nellie told him the deal about my mama's shameful running up the bill and I remembered the cat thing, the one we had got in a fight and got so sick and her bringing it here, and others, other times. "Well…how are you doin'?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Okay."

"Well, bring this dog back in here. We won't worry about that other, Nellie," he said while she was clicking her tongue and talking under her breath about no wonder he couldn't retire to Florida when he didn't even have the sense to make sure….

Doc went on about how Sooner looked like she'd had pups alright. How many did she have?

I said eight. "I was wondering…those dogs are so different. Can there be more than one father?"

He laughed. "Sure. There can be several fathers if she keeps breeding while she's in heat."

"I wonder if it's the same with humans?"

"I have a doctor friend says it probably happens more than folks know."

Doc said the puppies needed wormed and shots and I said I'd work on getting them in, but for now I had to take care of this one.

He asked me again how she'd come to me and I told him and he went to the board where folks posted pictures of animals they'd lost but no one was looking for Sooner and her pups, not at all.

She was old according to him. Too old to still be breeding and she'd had several litters.

Well, Sooner did not like Doc but she was intimidated enough to let him poke around some, but when he stuck that thermometer right up her butt-hole, next thing I knew they were waking me up from my new position on the floor.

I was feeling none too strong on the walk home. Like all my days, this one had proved taxing so far. I had thanked Doc and he knew the license was twenty-three dollars so he had charged me a neat ten, seeing as I told him I had twenty and I'd fainted so pathetically on his floor hitting my head on a stool he had there and now I had a big goose egg growing under my hair.

I had wormer for Sooner and she had her shots now and I had the tag and receipt. I took her to the police station and Bixby was not there, just the lady at the desk and I bought the license. I had tied Sooner out front and she had barked but without too much pep for the experience at Doc's had also taken the starch out of her spine.

I heard the hooting behind me and I thought, what now? Dickens went flying past on his bike, did a dramatic arcing skid that left a mark on the road and came back toward me. He had his shirt unbuttoned and his skinny chest and belly showed over his cut off pants. His tennis shoes were raggedy and filled with holes from doing the Fred Flintstone brake work in his bike tricks. He was smiling at me, and his hair was long and floppy over his eye. He may not look like Edward, but he sure did act like him.

"Hey Miss Bella."

"Hey Dickens. How you been?"

"Where'd you get that old dog? I seen her at your house when I go by."

"She's my Sooner. She's got pups."

So he straddled his bike mostly and accompanied me home, and wanted to see the pups so I took him there. Soon as my dog plopped down the pups were digging their ways over each other to nurse. We were about out of food she ate so much.

I went in and got us some cherry popsicles Naomi always kept for me my whole life and made an ice bag for my head and we sat with the puppies, me and Dickens. He was interested in all the colors and shapes of the dogs.

I told him what Doc said, about different fathers. Then I watched him play and I was thoughtful, thinking about Edward, so dark in his family…and me now so pale in mine…and Jacob and Mama walking the line, toeing over and Naomi making them stay back, stay away. Like with me and Edward…Naomi rushing in with her stop sign.

And I wondered, was I in heat? Is that what Naomi saw? What she'd seen before…what she knew?

It was only partly her words, so much more, her lip that twitched, her eyes, her silence, a word given and twenty more thrown out.


	27. Chapter 27

Finding My Thunder 27

That evening when Edward pulled behind Naomi's house, he had already been home to clean up from working with Charlie. He had on jeans that didn't smell like oil, a black t-shirt that was torn a little on the shoulder, and his scuffed up boots. Perfect as always.

Sooner came barreling from behind the house to bark at him. I had to run to the gate to get her away so Edward could enter. Dickens was still there as he'd pretty much fallen in, and he dove onto Sooner and put his arms around her neck.

"What are you doing here?" Edward asked his brother working the latch and entering the yard. "They'll be having supper soon so you need to get."

"I'm hanging out with Bella and the dogs," Dickens said making the swooping motion with his head like he did to get the hair out of his eyes.

Edward sighed. "I told you not to bother her."

"I'm not," he defended, his tongue a deep red from the popsicles.

I told Edward right away about the shots. I tried to give him the seven dollars I had left over but he said we'd use it for dogfood. Charlie had paid him finally, he said, so he'd filled the car with gas and wanted to buy me some supper.

"Oh man, me too?" Dickens begged. "I want to go with you guys."

Edward sighed. "We're not the Mod Squad. No."

"Oh, come on," Dickens whined.

"So, I guess you still have your job," I said, checking his beautiful face for bruises and to change the subject.

"Yeah. Charlie even shook my hand," Edward said. "He wanted to make sure I understood there were no hard feelings. But he didn't want me spying…like I'm the Man from Uncle and his shop is Commie headquarters. Then he went on about how it's gone down at the house, and I just said, Hey Charlie, I'm temporary until the army gets me, and I will do you a good job and all. Just…let's not ever talk about Bella. Or talk much at all except about work.

"And I stared at him hard ass and he just shut-up."

I was so impressed and tried not to look or sound too worshipful but geez…he'd picked up that pipe for me…and so many things…now this. I wore Mama's skirt again and I was running my sweaty hands over it. "You said that?"

"Yeah. It pissed him off…but what doesn't?"

I nodded. "You're like," I checked to make sure Dickens was messing with Sooner and not big-earing, "…my own personal Illya Kuryakin," I whispered.

He grinned a little. He looked at Dickens too, and that one was rolling in the dirt in front of Sooner. "You can…think of how to reward me later…baby." His tongue was poking out his cheek. He was so cute I almost couldn't breathe.

I laughed and shrugged and said dumbly, "Okay," which sounded about as cool as 'shucks.'

He flushed a little too, then. "You're lucky my brother is here."

He laughed some more, but he got close enough to kiss me quick.

Dickens said, "Ew," and Edward said, "Get your butt home."

They argued some more and Dickens managed to still stay around because he insisted he had to go in back and say good-bye to the puppies.

"Somebody is gonna be sorry when they have to sleep in the monkey cage," Edward said.

I supposed that's what Dickens must have called the room he shared with the younger brothers.

Once Dickens went around the house Edward said, "We have to take them tonight, Riley said. To…okay…don't laugh…to the council."

"Take the dogs?" I said a little panicked.

"Yeah."

"Oh, let me go," Dickens begged, suddenly back and having heard us.

I went to the porch and plopped onto the steps. "I don't think I'm ready."

"You know it's best," Edward said kindly.

"What…what council?" I asked.

He smirked. "A hippie council…a meeting where they make their rules…where everyone votes…. So it's like…they're Indians or something."

"Oh, I gotta go," Dickens whined.

I felt so sorry for the kid. I could see Edward ready to run him home, but I said, "Just let him go."

The heat had lifted and it was a beautiful evening. We pulled up to a rural setting, a big house, not fancy at all, looking like it was on a second life, maybe had been abandoned but was being shown some love, on a budget and with a definite psychedelic flavor as huge peace signs covered one side of the two-storied stucco.

Jefferson Airplane's song, Somebody to Love, blasted over funnel shaped speakers attached to the front corners of the house masking the sounds of nature, if there was any nature now that Grace Slick had pretty much run every animal, insect and bird out of the area, no doubt.

But across the yard, beyond, a pond and even with the music, the voices of a group of people having a good time splashing and partying.

We walked to the house and a woman in the doorway, her shirt hiked and a kid, like two years old, its legs wrapped around her waist, its lips attached to her naked breast. The mother was tall and lanky, wearing short cut-offs and black sandals. She said Riley was swimming with 'them all,' at the pond. She said pointing at Sooner, "That's the dog comin' in tonight and she's got pups?"

I thought it a little weird that Sooner's teats were dragging and this lady's were kind of doing the same thing, not dragging but making milk. But she was nice, so passive, and Dickens was running Sooner all over the yard just to get away from the boobs I think.

"We've been wanting a dog," she said.

"Well...," Edward said, having to clear his throat a couple of times, "how about nine of them?"

She said, "Righteous. There's a lot of love around here."

So Dickens was showing her Sooner and Sooner stood while the lady petted her, and the baby nursed the whole time like this lady could stand on her head and the kid would just keep on.

Edward and Dickens didn't seem too thrown by that and I guessed with all the kids maybe they'd seen it before, but I was cringing a little and holding my wrists over my nipples until I caught myself.

And Edward was smiling at me, laughing a little and he whispered, "Need some help?" and I slapped his arm.

So she told us to go on down to the pond and we could bring Sooner in the house and she'd get her some water.

I said, "She won't go in a house." And right after I said it she followed that lady in without giving it a thought and made a liar out of me.

Edward said, "She likes it here."

And that didn't make me as happy as I knew it should.

So we started for the pond in the trail through the long grass because it didn't look like they worried about keeping the lawn trimmed. We could smell the pot and Edward looked at me but he kept walking toward the action.

Someone was hooting, much as Edward might at the quarry. Edward was in the lead and he told Dickens to stay back like we were walking into a real tribe of Indians.

I fell back from a big attack of shyness. I wasn't good with groups, even at Temple where I knew everybody, lots of people at once…it always threw me. I was a high school kid and I was asking a big, big favor of pretty much complete strangers except for Riley. I was leaving my dog with them. My Sooner.

Edward, still in the lead, put his arm out, fingers splayed. I halted, but Dickens did not, actually pushing against Edward's arm craning his neck to see.

Riley called out, "Edward, hey man!"

Then he was coming up out of the water in our direction. Dickens turned toward me laughing his eyes and mouth open wide saying, "Oh man, you gotta see this."

And I could see, when he moved, that Riley was bare, his hand over his parts, his other hand holding a joint. He'd been smoking while he stood in the water, soaking his lower half, the parts I'd never seen in real before now.

Not far behind him, a woman, wild red hair and bare on top, big roundy breasts, shorts on the bottom, beyond her, other side of the pond a group of all sizes just wearing their skins, one guy swinging on a rope, his body in a ball, feet meeting hands, crack to the wind, toward us. I mean, this hit all of us all at once.

Edward was a quick responder. He did a couple of things at the same time, he said, "Put some pants on man," to Riley, and he grabbed Dickens and turned him around and stuck his head under his arm. Dickens started to protest right away, and Edward turned quick toward me and said, "Back, back…." and not much else, his face looking shocked, and ruddier than usual.

And he herded us back to the car, and Dickens was laughing and saying, "Oh man, that guy's johnson and that lady's tits. They were all naked," he said with too much enthusiasm. I had my hand over my mouth not knowing how we could just get down to business after this…business.

And when I looked at Edward he was mad, but then he laughed some too and slapped Dickens on the back of his head and said, "Shut up."

We were herded around the car like chicks to the mother hen, not knowing what to do with ourselves, but here came Riley wearing some crazy looking pajama pants like from Africa or something. They were bright yellow.

"Hey man! Don't need to run away. We've all got the same stuff, right man?"

"Are we doing this thing? Or should we come some other time?" Edward said.

"No…stay man. We'll have the meeting. They're done at the pond. The water's perfect, man. You ought to come in."

"No," Edward said. "We don't do naked, man."

"Oh yeah. Like when your consciousness gets raised…but I know. I was the same way, like bangin' everything at first, but you get used to it…," then he laughed and added, "bangin' everything."

"Hey…Riley…my little brother, man. Should we come back some other time?"

"No man. Mellow out. Come in the house, man," he said.

"You want to go?" Edward said to me.

"I don't know," I said. I did want to go, but Sooner was in the house.

"Come on," Edward said to us and we followed him, followed Riley's canary pants.

"He looks like Ali Baba," I whispered to Edward.

He didn't laugh. He called to Riley, "Hey…are people in there wearing clothes?"

"It's cool, man. It's all cool in here," Riley said holding the door for us.

We went in the house, ended up in the kitchen. It was functional and clean, plywood tables covered with oil cloth in a blue tavern check. The walls were bright yellow. The kitchen was open to what must be a living room. Low tables in there lined with colorful pillows on the floor. A turntable with gigantic stereo speakers. Lots of macramé and plants.

We sat on some of the cushions. Sooner didn't even greet me she was so busy eating something brown out of a bowl placed next to another bowl filled with water. She'd already left me.

They started to file in then, the swimmers from the pond. They were sort of dressed now, T-shirts and towels and cut-offs-four guys, long hairs. The red-hair and another woman, a blonde older than me.

They introduced themselves and we said hey and they got drinks and there was a well dug into bowl of hummus they wanted us to try, like a common pot, and it was flesh-colored and we were both saying, "No thanks," except for Dickens who was reaching his dirty hand for some of the pita bread and Edward grabbed his wrist and told him, "no."

And Dickens actually obeyed.

Red and blonde took great note of Edward. The blonde one knew who he was even though he was younger in school. The red hair was from somewhere else. But she was pretty taken with him. Of course I'd seen this about a hundred times, but it bothered me and I chewed on my lip.

The red-haired one got closer and touched Edward's face, saying how cute he was.

I felt my heart lurch into my throat. He couldn't get any more deeply flushed than he was. He looked at me and I saw a level of guilt that was so disturbing I had to fight tears washing over my eyes.

Under the table he grabbed my hand. But she was smiling at him, well they both were, at Dickens too, and he kept making this sound low in his throat cause the red-haired one had on a halter top and the recent exposures were right beneath the thin fabric in-case anyone needed a refresher. These boobs weren't like the nursing ones.

So Riley was introducing us, and for the most part everyone seemed pretty high, Riley included. Mama and Charlie had taught me to recognize the ins and outs of that.

The boys…well men I guess…were most attentive to me. They called me 'mama,' and 'little mama,' like Riley did and one, handsome, maybe the leader, if that was allowed with all the equality and all, but he was called Felix, and he wanted me to sit by him, and Edward's hand was tight on me, and Dickens thought it was funny, but he was pretty close to my other side, and Sooner was behind me now half sitting on my pillow.

They were passing a couple of bottles of wine, and the blond and one of the guys started kissing like we weren't there. Another guy was firing up a big pipe with water in its base, and Grace Slick was still belting out a tune.

"Bella, Bella," Riley said sitting on the table practically in front of me, "you gotta go upstairs and see our recording studio."

"Riley, man, what about the dog?" Edward said loud over all the mayhem.

Felix was also near me, towering over me, telling me I had great lines in my face and he wanted to draw me. "I'd like to draw your body, man. Stand up so I can see you, Mama."

I looked to Edward but he was answering the two women, blond and red, and saying he didn't believe in free love, he'd told Riley that and they said sharing didn't mean you didn't love someone that when people got out of the bondage of thinking they had to enslave themselves to one person their minds opened up and they found all the love out there, the rainbow of variety we were meant to experience…."

Before I could think, Riley was saying to Felix, "Chill man, they're square like that," and Felix said, "It's all good, Mama."

Edward was no longer holding my hand. They were all crowded around us looking at the dog and Dickens was telling them her name and they were making over her and the women were making over Edward, petting Sooner and petting Edward, and the blonde was kissing a different guy now.

They'd been wanting to get a dog, a watch dog, and they really liked Sooner and how mellow she was, and she was, that was the thing, and I couldn't believe it after the hell-hound she'd been at Naomi's.

Dickens then led the nursing woman and one of the men out to get the puppies and I was on my feet now, being led by Felix and Riley toward the stairs, but I kept looking toward Edward and Sooner and I was worried about Dickens out where I couldn't see, then I caught a glimpse of him out of the big front window and he was at the car handing the puppies to the others and they were looking excited and happy. I calmed down a little and checked back to Edward. Red was over him now, talking right into his face, a big grin and blonde was still petting through his hair.

If he was just going to let that happen, I told Riley he could show me upstairs cause what would it hurt. I was so mad at Edward for not paying attention and allowing those women and their big boobs to take over, just like in high school when the cheerleaders would get around him after a game.

And Felix was leading, Riley and me behind as we went up the long staircase. I heard Edward say my name. Red answered I'd be right back. Then another guy was jogging up the stairs. They showed me the rooms, bright, mattresses on the floor. A nursery with a baby-bed for the little one downstairs. A big room with egg cartons stapled to the walls where they jammed.

Riley picked up a guitar, and the other one sat at the drums and Riley played a couple of riffs and he was kind of good, but I didn't know anything, and the drummer started in and they jammed around a little, then Riley had to rip some Hendrix sounds.

"You like Hendrix, little mama," Felix said in my ear. He'd disappeared for a minute, now he was all slicked up, a long dress on, and his frizzy hair in a pony tail.

Riley was still bent over the guitar making a lot of noise. The drummer grinned at me, and I couldn't believe I was making such a splash. I said to Felix, "I have to find Edward."

"Oh, oh don't rush off," he said, grabbing my arm. "Hey…come see my mural. It's upstairs, pretty mama. Come up and see. I'd like to draw you. You're like the Mona Lisa. A psychedelic Mona Lisa, man. Your face…your body…you inspire me…like a muse. What's your name…Bella? You're like a flower, man, all full of life's nectar. You're all curves…I want to draw this, man, this skin…you're what? What are you? Like Hawaiian?"

I was letting him lead me to the doorway because the drums were splitting my skull.

The guitar stopped. "Where you goin'?" Riley said to me or Felix, I couldn't tell his eyes were so loaded and barely open. He even weaved on his feet a little.

"Art is calling, man," Felix said.

"Oh no, no, no, man," Riley said, the guitar strap hanging around his neck. "She don't…." he belched. "Leave her here. Bella." He belched again and took the guitar off and set it against the wall. This whole time the drummer hadn't let up. I could feel the pressure in my head building.

Drummer was yelling for Riley to pick up the guitar and play.

Felix tugged on my arm and I heard Riley, "Bella…don't go with that asshole."

"Ignore him," Felix said pulling me along to another skinny flight of stairs.

I stopped there. "I…I need to get back…." I turned to go back down.

Felix said, 'no,' a bunch of times, grabbing my arm again and pulling. "C'mon, Mama. I want to paint you…paint on you, man."

I worked my arm free of him. "Um…no thanks."

I heard rapid steps pounding their way up. "What the fuck, man?" Edward said looking between me and Felix. "Bella…I couldn't find you."

Riley was saying, "It's nothing. I'm taking care of her."

"I'm gonna paint her, man," Felix said to Edward. "Don't possess…and oppress. You can watch, man. But don't interfere. This little mama…she's got a right to be free, man." He was pulling me toward the stairs again.

Edward charged forward and grabbed Felix's arm. Felix was bigger but Edward was just more in control of it. "Let her go," he said.

Felix let me go and held his hands up like Edward had a gun. Riley yelled at the drummer to stop. There was a final crash like the guy threw the sticks, then he started to argue with Riley.

"C'mon," Edward said to me. "They want to keep the dogs. Come on."

He held my hand as we quickly went down the stairs. Was this it? Was I just going to leave my Sooner in this crazy place?

Sooner was lying on the cushion we'd been sharing. Her puppies were gathered around her and the women were gathered around the dogs petting and cooing. Dickens was like the Marlin Perkins explaining each pup-how different they were from each other. This crowd loved that idea.

The woman who had been nursing told me, "We'll take good care of them. Riley will let Edward know when they're weaned. We won't keep all of them…but we have a lot of people come around. We can find homes and you can help with that. We'll let you know. You can come out and see them any time you want," she said.

"Thanks," I said. I went into a speech about what a great dog Sooner was, but they were barely listening. The pipe was ready and they were drifting toward it.

"Don't worry," the woman said, "they're a peaceful group. And I can't do anything with the nursing so I look out for things. It's a cool scene here."

"Yeah," Edward said, tension in his jaw from having just confronted Felix, not that I'd needed him too, but still he had done it. "We better get goin'," he said to me.

I nodded. I went to Sooner and patted her head. "Bye old girl. I'll visit soon."

She looked away. She was more interested in her pups. A second story window opened and Felix called out, "Hey Mama, you ever get free come and find me."

Edward flipped him off and we kept walking to the car. Dickens thought this was hysterical.

We all got in the front seat. Edward started the car and we pulled onto the road. Dickens kept looking back in case Sooner followed, but she didn't.

"I wonder how many owners she's had," Dickens said.

"Maybe lots," Edward said. "It makes her more adaptable, you know? Like…she knows the ropes. It's like she fit right in there."

"Well one good thing," Dickens said, "we get to eat supper at a restaurant."

He took my hand in his grubby one. Edward already held my other.

"Mod Squad," Dickens said, and Edward groaned.


	28. Chapter 28

Finding My Thunder 28

We were quiet on the ride home. The depressing fact that Sooner was out of my life was weighted with the relief that she had found a home where she would have a chance to raise her puppies and be loved.

It wasn't perfect, but neither was my house, from day one, if I was honest. I'd pretty much lived in fear Charlie would discover her and shoot her or drive her off. And at Naomi's it was impossible.

But…it was so hard.

On the sly like always Edward drove us to Corning and we went to a diner there. It was still risky cause Corning was where everyone went who wanted to get out of Ludicrous for a minute, but we were really hungry by now.

Soon as we went in there we saw Lauren and her family eating dinner. Edward walked in front of me and Dickens and led us to a booth in the farthest corner. Lauren craned her neck to watch and her mouth was open.

When we sat, Edward was on one side, not moving over for me so I sat with Dickens. He smiled a little and grabbed a menu. He pretended to be engrossed so I figured he was worried about protecting me again and I softened up about it. I knew he was upset about me going upstairs, but I was ticked off too. Not a lot, but it had put something between us.

Dickens got hamburger and French fries. As he poked the beloved meal into his mouth and chewed non-stop he seemed thoughtful. He had a few questions…most of them to do with living naked and how cool that would be, but Edward told him to shut up and eat and he did. We all did. Or tried to. Edward just picked around. I'd never seen him waste food.

"Are you alright?" I asked him.

"Yeah," he answered but he pushed his plate over to Dickens and that one polished it off.

Once we got to Edward's house he told Dickens to get out.

"Can I still sleep in your room? Please, please?" Dickens said.

A little girl came out of the house then. "Edward," she called, "James is on the phone and he wants to talk to you. Mom says to hurry up and get in here."

"What?" Edward complained hitting the steering wheel and turning the car off. "I'll be right back," he said to me all crabby.

"I'll just walk home," I said.

"No," he said firmly. "I want to talk to you."

I sat back in the seat and ended up alone, which gave me time to look at the house. Alice popped her head out the door and waved and held up a Nancy Drew book and I waved back. Her hair was in curlers. She waved once more and popped back in the tired metal screendoor. The whole place looked tired, like too many feet trampled the grass in to the earth. It was a solid house but the way it was settled it looked like it had just let out a big sigh.

Edward was in there at least five minutes. When he emerged I didn't like the scowl on his face.

He got in the car without saying anything and started it up. He pretty much sped away from the curb and down the street in the opposite direction from Naomi's house. I said, "Where we going?"

And he said, "Somewhere we can talk." And I felt sick to my stomach.

So we drove out of town like we did those nights Mama was in the hospital. When Dickens got out I'd slid by the door and he didn't pull me over by him. I had my arms folded over my chest. He asked me if I wanted to go to the cemetery and I said, "I don't want to right now. But…thanks."

"You don't have to always thank me," he said and I didn't have an answer.

So we went in another direction and ended up near the quarry. He parked down some dirt road and we got out and sat on the hood on the car. He said…, "You want to tell me what you were doin' goin' upstairs with those men that way?"

"What do you think?" I said.

"What I said before," he said looking at me, eyes all intense and him angry. "You have no sense of self preservation. If you were going to war…you'd be shot first day. You'd go right in the jungle and say come and get me. Oh…and you'd forget your weapon, too."

"Really? You think I haven't been strong in my life?"

He quelled a little. "I didn't mean that…."

"You don't know what you mean. So just shut up."

We sat there staring ahead, a foot apart, the hood warm under our butts on this warm night, our heels hitched on the silver bumper. We were looking in to trees that inclined downhill. Chipmunks were pretty busy rusting through there.

"I can tell you this…you ain't ever going back there," he said.

"You can tell me?"

"Don't get all women's lib on me either. You're too naive to be in a place like that."

"Oh. I get it. You're going back. And you can report to me. About the dogs."

"I ain't goin' back there."

"Oh I'll bet. I saw how it was when they got around you. Just like at school. You love the attention. You have to have it I'll bet."

He glared at me, his lips stacked mean.

"Sometimes…I don't what I'm doing with you," he said.

I gasped a little. I slid off the car and stood. "I'm not enough."

He reached for me but I stepped away. "Why do you say that?"

"You can get women…."

"Anyone can get those women."

"You're just saying that so I don't think anything about those men."

"All we were there was new meat. You do realize…."

"I didn't go upstairs to be new meat. I went up with Riley to see the room where they play their music."

"I know that…but you…."

"It's not like with James. Did you think of that?"

He shook his head.

"They weren't going to do anything I didn't want."

"He was pulling on you."

"I could have gotten out of it. Riley was there, too."

"He had his hand on you and he was pulling. He was coming on to you. You do know that you are defenseless if a guy wants to force you?"

"Yes. Your brother taught me that."

We just looked at each other.

"What happened that time with James?" he asked, his face…terrible.

"You saw…."

"I know what I saw. But…what was it? Was it going to be rape?"

"I didn't even know about rape when it happened…but I knew it was real…what he was gonna do. I've never thought about it. Like…shoved it down. The main thing was you…you broke with me. It's like that's all that mattered. But…I have dreams sometimes…and he was…in real I mean…his hand was working between us…and he used his weight to hold me there…and his hand was…unzipping…." I had my hands on my face, I was breathing too shallow, but I could hear the grunts, feel the angry fumbling, and what he said, "Bitch…bitch."

Edward flew off the hood and let out a roar, then he turned and hit the hood of the car and it dented and he kept hitting it.

I tugged on his shoulder, "Stop it."

He did but he pulled away from me and walked toward the trees, his hands dug into his hair.

"It was a long time ago," I said. Why were we even talking about it?

He turned to me and let his arms flop to his sides. "No. When we went to the farm? You told that boy, the one I flipped off…your name. Bella. There's not too many of those. That's what he wanted to talk about tonight…James. The kid talked to him…told him about you. He thinks you're a ten by the way. But James was going on about it. And I said it was none of his business. He's like…he's sick. He's dwelling on this. And I brought you there to that farm…like led you in to it…Tanya…that's my fault, too. Taking you to that place tonight. All my big ideas…that are going to get you hurt…just like when we were kids…only now we ain't kids…so…."

"You can't talk like this to me…."

Then he yelled at me, "You don't think of yourself. I'm leaving. I'm enlisting tomorrow. Tomorrow, Bella. What I realized tonight? I have to break with you so I can go. I have to. I can't just leave you." Then he yelled all of a sudden, "I have a fucking war to go to."

"Not tomorrow," I whispered going to him. "You said you needed me. I love you. We already talked about this…we have a plan…."

I was grabbing at his arms and he grabbed mine. "That fucked up guy was right. I just want to possess you. It's like…you consume me. You do. You make me crazy and I do crazy things that are going to get you so hurt."

"I'm…sorry. You can't leave me. I can't live without you."

"You will live," he insisted, and I could feel the anger in him burning down to resolve. "Especially if I go. You knew this was coming. You'll live just fine. Just stay with Naomi and go to Temple and be the girl you've always been. I'm…I'm nothing but trouble. You have school starting. Two weeks you'll be back there. You have to make it there. They're cruel. Just do like you know. You'll be okay. I'll be gone. Don't think of me so much."

I made some kind of sound like an animal. It came from deep in me. He dragged me back in the car and he was trying to speak kindly to me.

"Why?" I kept asking. "Why are you doing this to us?"

"I don't have a choice," he said back, viciously. He was crying and we backed out of where we were, I had no sense of it, just the car moving. I was screaming, begging. When we got to Naomi's he put the car in gear and got out to wrench my door open. His hand was firm on me and he led me to the gate. "Go on inside, Bella. Go in there." He wouldn't look at me and his voice was concrete.

I heard Naomi come out on the porch but I wouldn't look at her, wouldn't look away from him. "You're killing me," I said.

Now he did look at me, madder than ever. "Don't you dare let me do that. Don't be your mother."

Then he got in his car and pulled away.


	29. Chapter 29

Finding My Thunder 29

_Don't be your mother_.

That's all I could hear Edward say. Not I love you, I need you. Just…don't be your mother. I was wearing her skirt when he said it. Her skirt!

What did that mean anyway? I knew what it meant. How did he know? He'd heard it, seen it that night we took her to the hospital. What I said. What I didn't have to say those two long weeks she was dying.

He'd been in my life, deep in. He didn't want me to die over him. To stop living.

Well, I had news for him, you don't barge into someone's life then rip yourself back out and tell them how to feel about it!

Oh, the anger made me so tired.

Naomi let me lay around for three days. After that she said Jesus had set the example of resurrection. I heard them whispering out in the hall, not that either one could whisper. I heard the errant jingle. They had their tambourines. Oh Lord, not those voo-doo curse rattling instruments of auditory torture.

Sister Debra started, around the door of my room, "Praise Jesus twenty-three times Jesus did say, get up, get up, take up your bed and walk child."

Oh Lord, it wasn't even going to be real singing, just their own made up songs, like bad Motown opera. I put my pillow over my head and screamed into the mattress, but it didn't stop them. They were shaking the tambourines and Naomi sang now, "You got to get on your feet…you got to pick up that sick bed…that bed of suffering and tell the devil no more, no more."

"Yes, Lord…," the other one sang, Mary Wilson to Naomi's bad Diana Ross.

The tambourines were shaking and chiming and one would sing the convoluted words and the other would amen and they'd switch off that way and I was hunkered down, pillow over me, and cursing now, just for my own ears, long strings of the worst words even though I'd made that deal, but this was…just….

The pillow was whipped off my head, then used as a weapon. It hit me on the backside a few times so I think they must have heard a few of my expressions.

The bed dipped, really dipped. A hand on my back. I had my toes curled so tightly one of them made a cracking sound.

"Now you can't stay in this bed," Sister Debra said. "You got to get up and carry on." She was digging through my greasy hair trying to uncover my face. I turned my head away from her.

I wished I could sink into this ticking, into the batting and live like a spring in the middle, just be a mattress spring until it was over…my life…this world…the war…high school…this moment.

"Ain't no one I know hasn't had some hard things. But where would we all be if we didn't try to keep going? The Lord will meet you, but he won't reach down and pick you up. You got to get up first. You got to want to get better."

Debra was speaking but these were Naomi's words. But I was only half-listening cause in my head I was still arguing with Edward.

So I was her…my Mama. Well who else would I be? I wasn't Charlie! How about Edward? Who was he? What if I told him, don't you be your daddy! Don't you be your mama! What else? Who else? We didn't come from more than two people!

"I get up for myself. I stay up for the Lord." Debra said.

I lifted my head like a shot. If I stayed in this bed and became a mattress spring…I would be Mama. If I got out and tried to…live…I'd be someone different. Not Charlie cause I wasn't going to use and abuse. I'd be me.

Much as I hated to, I swallowed my pride and sat up. "I…need to take a shower," I said, cause the movement had caused a certain ripeness to swirl.

"Naomi is already running you a bath. You need to get baptized into a whole new day," she said.

So I got up, just to get away, to get to the water and the privacy of the bathroom where I didn't think they would follow, but I didn't know either. Once I got in there and stripped off…body like a goddess, he'd said, oh Lord…then I got in that warm water. All I could think of was running my hands through his black hair and that song…Nina…and the way he'd bent toward me.

All of my troubles seemed to get worse…it was always like this for me with a bath, the heat just brought them out and I was submerged in them, and I went under in the silence. I could hear Naomi talking through the door, but I didn't know what…I just stayed under…and he held me on the water at the quarry that day…I could feel it, feel him…but then I had to breathe so up I came to that pink ceramic tile and those gold fish on the wall burping up those gold bubbles.

"Okay," I yelled cause Naomi was still talking. I was gasping a little and I pushed my hair back out of my face and thought of Edward in the water again, dark slick hair, "You got water on your eyelashes," he said to me, and his face, his eyes, love was there, right there…oh God my heart…my heart, and I sat up straight and water splashed and I gripped the sides of the tub and it broke free then, this deep sound and I had to put my two hands over my mouth, then I reached over to where Naomi had folded a pink towel on the closed seat of the stool and I grabbed that towel and shoved it over my mouth and I cried into this, if you could call it crying cause it was something so deep and strange and it came from the center of me…this sound.

The water was cold, cold by the time I found a way to rise. Naomi had knocked so many times, but I told her I'm fine, fine, fine, fine. Over and again it was all I could get out but I was letting her know I hadn't killed myself or something.

When I did come out, tugging the tie on the pink robe that was hers but left in there for me, it was quiet in the house. I saw it then, the pink birthday cake sitting on the kitchen table and the special plates and Kool-aid in a pitcher, red of course cause there wasn't another flavor worthy of swallowing.

She was sitting in the living room. "It's my birthday," I said to her. She had been reading the bible, but she put that down now, and her glasses atop.

"Happy Birthday. You are sixteen years old today."

"Yeah."

"You have not eaten for nearly three days. Sister Debra had to leave. She tried to wait but…."

"I…didn't know."

"I told you through the door."

"Yeah…I didn't understand."

"Let's go have cake and celebrate your life," she said rising up.

So we sat around the table and she prayed. She thanked God for me and asked Him to give me the strength to carry on so this old world would be blessed by me and my gifts.

Then she lit the candles on that cake and she sang Happy Birthday to me. And I said thanks and she cut me a wedge of that cake, cherry like I liked. She set it before me and I did not have the will to eat it, didn't think my body could take it, I felt so sad. But I did take a bite and it sat in my mouth on my tongue and I closed my eyes and thought of Edward…a hundred pictures of him at once…kissing me so many times…his mouth so sweet…the way he said my name…the feel of his face his jaw his neck.

I nearly spit it out, but I swallowed it down and opened my eyes and she was looking at me.

"Well?" she said.

"It's…good," I said and I coughed a little and my eyes watered some more. And I picked up the crisp birthday napkin and wiped my face.

Then she gave me a card and it was from her and the ladies. Sixteen dollars. "One for each year," she said.

"It's too much," I said.

But she shook her head.

She beamed some, like I was on the road to recovery and I knew then, how it was Mama looked at me all those times when I made her a cheese sandwich or a bowl of soup, the hopeful way I stood there or when I brushed her hair and got her to put on clean clothes and I thought we were getting somewhere but she just looked at me…and I knew what she knew now…she wasn't getting better. Not ever.

And I chose against that, against a quiet path of suicide, a secret path, a power gone wrong. I would live and maybe he'd come back to me.

I got a war to fight, he'd yelled. Well, me too. I told him I'd been strong in my life. That's who I was already. A girl who had been strong but felt weak. For now…I'd work on eating something. And maybe getting dressed. That would be enough for one day.

A week later Naomi asked me, for the tenth time I'll admit, to paint the temple, the sanctuary, that big, dirty white room, that cavern of worship and humanity.

I didn't know. Did she not understand how hard it was to tie my own shoes right now? It felt like my eyebrows were made out of cement or something. And my arms? Like lift them and move them around? Kill me now.

She said I needed to think of others. That was the cure for everything, she said. So with my knotted hair hidden under my bandana and clothes fit for the rag bin, she loaded the painting equipment in the car…and she loaded me and to Snyder Town we did go.

Well, I had that bargain with God about Edward. It had included painting the temple. Edward needed God's protection more than ever. Dickens gave me a note, him scratching on my window like Edward did…not so long ago, only at the other house, the one I'd been thrown out of by my own father. The note said Edward left in two weeks for California, the day before school started. He had to be at the airport in Memphis and there was the time of his flight.

So that very day he planned to enlist he got his draft notice. It was like he had known, Edward had. He had known the very day. I realized the pull in him was deeper than I imagined. He was right about his fate. He knew it was coming and it did. He even knew when.

The way I'd been raised, at Temple, hearing Naomi, knowing what that pulpit meant to her, how serious she took it…I believed in folks knowing things. Edward had a word about himself. He was burdened with it. I had fought him on it, but it was so strong in him he knew it was his path. And I respected that. The ladies at Temple would have respected that. A word of knowledge was a big deal.

I realized he hadn't pushed me away because he didn't care, much as it felt that way to me if I looked at it all through the haze of my poor-me. He pushed me away because it made sense to him no matter how he felt. I was drowning in feelings and he was trying to ignore his and do the right thing…as he saw it. If it were possible to love him anymore…I did. The kind of love I had for him grew a big shoot off to the side. It was a selfless love, the kind I'd heard Naomi preach about. I just plain loved him even if he wouldn't allow himself to return it in the way I craved.

For now, I wouldn't shove it down like I'd done when he rejected me before. I'd let it be there. I would let it be true. My truth. I would love him still. I would love him as much as I ever had in a way that made sense to me. And that meant I had a deal with God for Edward's safety. And I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself—Mama—and throw Charlie in there too—and I needed to start to keep my side of the bargain.

I'd like to say this gave me some new energy. But it didn't. I still felt like dying. Difference was…I refused to.

California was on the other side of the world. No, that was Vietnam, but California was as far away as he could get without falling straight into the ocean.

I understood Mama more now. Saw how the black hole opened and said, "Come on in."

So we were different cause I wasn't going.

So Naomi dropped me off at Temple while she visited at the hospital in Corning and her flock all around in Snyder Town.

I knew the ropes. We were looked out for here, and I got a pass pretty much for I was known as Naomi's girl, and she was the recipient of much good will in this part of town. So I got by on that mostly. I was going to paint and Sister Lavinia was going to send my lunch. She also wanted to send Eric to help me as he was pretty much hanging around the house all summer since graduating and waiting for his scholarship to kick in. He was driving her crazy, she said, but I didn't believe it because she spoiled him to death. But I said, can he paint? Cause he planned to be a doctor and his usual response to doing physical labor of any kind was, "With these hands?" like he needed to keep them on ice for when he became the great healer.

Well, he never had painted, except for pictures about the black man's struggle, she said, but he was a big strong boy, she said. Oh Lord, I was too depressed to want company and he was such a talker.

I said okay but I didn't want it sloppy cause that would just be more work in the long run but she sent him over.

He still was the most annoying boy in the world, him and me thrown together a lot over our lives being some of the Temple children. He was off temple now. He thought it too old fashioned. He was rethinking Jesus, he said, and he wore African dress now and read lots of books. Eldridge Cleaver was a favorite.

Well, he was glad to be out of the house and he brought a portable radio. I'd been off music for a few days, was actually afraid of it now. But he set it to the local soul station so I'd be sure and collapse with emotion before I got through one wall. Every song really was about love, betrayal, joy, pain, cheating, breaking apart, coming together, all about love, every song. In general…about Edward.

Eric had on old clothes. They were ironed…but they were old. That was good. I told him to use the drop cloth cause I didn't want a mess and he said he wasn't gonna be the one to walk white all over, and I said ha-ha. So we got to it.

We were painting the part behind the pulpit, the part everyone could see. Well Eric Jones hated white, the blandness, he said. Why didn't we do a mural, big wings, big white bird and the cross and blood and the heart wrapped in thorns and maybe some people playing harps and others with their flesh all burned off in the flames?

I thought of Felix and what he would do with this space. Everyone in heaven would be naked and sharing a toke. In hell they'd be in church. Or painting a church. With Eric.

He was on fire about this mural. I said, "We can't do it without permission."

He said, "They don't like it we'll just paint over it…that same dull-ass white. C'mon it will liven this place up."

I was too weak to argue so he got a pencil and started to sketch this big scene and I told him, "It can't be civil rights."

He said, "I know. Think I want the Klan coming in here carrying off Naomi and the church ladies?"

I wasn't worried about the Klan. It wasn't likely they'd be coming in here. But Naomi would be, and she would take this serious.

So while I painted…alone, he sketched, then ran home for some paints and started in. He had a big white dove, like he said, carrying an olive branch which he thought would be hysterical if he made it a marijuana plant, but I told him don't even think about such, and he laughed.

I said, "Is this you rethinking Jesus?"

"Call it a parting gift," he said grinning and painting.

So by late afternoon we had a big white bird holding the olive branch with a giant cross behind him and rising from the back of a cross a giant black fist clenched in the symbol of black power.

"Are you kidding me?" I yelled at him cause I'd been laying on the floor for a long time painting along the mopboard and that fist hadn't been there last time I'd looked.

"It's perfect," he said. "You got to understand it. It means black power has to come through the cross and the love of the dove. Can't you see it? It's Dr. King's message."

"With a little Malcolm and Jessie thrown in," I yelled. "She's going to behead you," I said. "And I'm going to hold you down."

I set my brush over my bucket and tried to work the kinks out of my back. Then I walked to where he worked. "You have to paint the fist out. Then it's good."

"The fist stays, Swan," he said. "You need to broaden your mind." Then he went on about how broadened his mind already was and after a few minutes I spoke over him and I said, "If other white people ever come in here…."

"You ain't white," he said, his brush dripping over the pan.

We just stared at each other. He hadn't said this to me in a while. He used to say it all the time until Naomi spoke to Lavinia. Naomi said it was a crush. Edward used that word. And both of them had pretty well crushed me in different ways.

"Still the Queen of Egypt," he said, meaning I was still in denial. "They talk about it round here. Don't they say nothing at school?" This wasn't the same juvenile teasing. This was real.

I shook my head. "I know there's talk. I've heard. It's all my time growing up…two worlds," I said quoting Nina.

"It's more than that. Look at yourself, girl. There's some coffee in that milk."

"You know me so well?"

"You been looking at yourself so long you don't see what we do."

"The Negro community? You speak for them all now? How about painting out that fist while you preach."

"I ain't…doin' that. I'm just telling you to quit passin'." He slapped more paint on the wall and went about his business and I was stuck staring at him.

"Hey Eric…if I throw this bucket of paint on you…you'll be white, too. A lot of milk in the coffee," I said. He didn't know about the Coca-Cola bottle I'd thrown.

"Girl, you ain't gonna do that. Now let's get this painting done so I can give you're your first driving lesson."

I stared at him. "Really?"

The freedom to drive? "I don't have a car," I said.

"One thing at a time, pumpkin!"

I had to laugh at that. But the wheels in my mind were already spinning.

"How long does it take a person to learn driving?" I asked.

"Depends on the person," he said leaning into his work.

I just kept thinking. "Hey," I said after a minute, "you got a car?"

"Where someone like me gonna get a car?"

"Well…I need to get to Memphis."

He stared at me long enough to set down his brush.

"How's that?" he said.

"I need to get to Memphis day before school starts."

"Take the bus."

"I can't." Edward would be taking the bus. I couldn't chance getting on the same one.

"If I can get Naomi's car…could you drive me?"

"I'll be gone for school."

"Could I learn to drive by then?"

"Maybe. But you got to pass the driver's test to get a license. And then you should have insurance…and Memphis…you should have some experience…and a map definitely."

"Can I drive without all that?"

He was shaking his head. "Anything's possible. I mean…that's the whole hope of the Civil Rights movement. But…what are you fixin' to do?"


	30. Chapter 30

Finding My Thunder 30

"Nah!" Eric said when I'd mixed up the gas for the brake and plunged us forward only to figure out my mistake and slam us to a halt.

"Bella…let's just go to the car place. You're not going to get better and maybe you'll luck out and the guy will be so scared he'll just pass you."

Lavinia's big Buick shuddered as I left off the gas and pulled into the empty street.

"Now you're going to have to really pay attention," Eric said because we were fixing to get into some actual traffic as we neared Corning.

"Just…you make me nervous," I said.

"I make you nervous?" he said. Emphasis on 'you.'

He did. But if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be driving at all, so…gift horse.

Well, Naomi had almost dropped over when she saw that mural over the pulpit. And he had explained it to her, the art behind it and she said it could stay for the time being if he would come back to church, and he said, "Sister Naomi I'm going to college." She said, on Christmas break, spring break, any break she wanted to see his face, and on she went and she had him against the wall pretty much. But she told him if the congregation didn't want the big black fist he had to paint over it before he went to school. She liked the rest of it…or pretended to. Actually I couldn't believe it…the lengths she'd go to as a fisher of men.

But things I could not believe kept on coming. I made it to town, driving careful, like an old person, our oldest member of temple, Sister Tremont. That's who my driving reminded Eric of, he said, especially with me gripping that big wheel, sitting forward, barely able to see over it.

I had to put up with his ramblings and couldn't tune them out like usual because every once in a while he reminded me of something like a tree or another car or a curb or a person trying to cross the road or something. And as I drove, he taught me to drive, what everything meant. He was a good teacher. When I told him so, of course he agreed.

I was a wreck. Eric accompanied me into the office and I took a number and sat there bouncing my knees. He called my name and Eric had to nudge me and say, "That's you."

Well the guy looked from me to Eric, where he sat. "You Charlie's girl?" he said.

"I'm Bella Swan," I said, guessing there was no way around it.

He looked back at Eric like maybe he'd kidnapped me or something.

"Well come back here for the written test," he said. So I went back there and he gave me the test and told me the time on it, and I hoped it was enough.

I opened the book and it didn't seem so hard. I guessed a couple times but I ended up passing, and Eric laughed so hard and said, "Excellent teacher."

I hugged him, and he laughed some more and said, "If you pass the next part, the driving part, what I get then?"

And I said, "A smack in the face."

He laughed more and that guy giving me the test didn't look too kindly on us.

So the officer got in on the passenger's side and I took off and Lord I was a wreck all over again. It had seemed kind of reasonable with Eric telling me what to do, but I wasn't sure. I rounded a corner and didn't put on the brake and it seemed like I was going to lose control and he yelled, "Young lady put that brake on!"

And I did and he lurched forward and put his hand on the dash and his clipboard fell onto the floor. He was mad. He told me how to drive back to the station. The test was over.

"When can I take it again?" I asked.

"Three days," he snapped. "Get some instruction."

"Yes…sir," I said.

Eric was standing out there waiting to see me parallel park so he could have a real good laugh.

"You'll get it," he said getting in.

I drove home, slowly, carefully. We passed by Charlie's shop, and the front window was boarded up. I got sick to my stomach, not about the window, but about Edward.

Then I saw him, in Mac's parking lot holding a bottle of Coke, talking to Tanya and Lauren. Edward. Black, brown, white, red…my heart. Eric was screaming at me and I kept the car on the road just in time. I'd nearly grazed another car. "Sorry," I said, and these tears burst out of me and he kept his hand on the wheel and helped me get off the square. As soon as we were on a side street I pulled over…with his help. Then I just collapsed there, and he was kind, patting my back, and it poured out of me. How Edward had broken with me. How I wanted to drive so I could see him off in Memphis. Just see him that last time before he left for California cause I didn't know if he'd ever come back before Vietnam.

"You are crazy," he said. "Edward Cullen is…you can't be for real Bella? Those girls will slit your liver open. He was right. Stay away from him."

"I've got as much right as anybody…you talk all the time about rights…you of all people."

"You notice how hard we are fighting for some rights? And even then…you can't just rise to the top like that! You ever hear of a lynch mob! Burning crosses! As real as those things are, girl they are also symbols of a thousand other creative ways the white man has to make sure you die."

"The color of my skin is not the problem, Eric."

"Ain't you noticed? You got no standing in the white community. Your own daddy disowned you. You live with a black woman. Black…black woman. You got a big old question mark stapled on your skin. And truth be told…you mama…folks said…troubled in the head. There's just all kinds of reasons…."

"Job's comforter," I yelled.

"Pardon me for telling the queen she is naked!"

"What?"

"The Emperor's new clothes…. You are like royalty. That's the real problem. You're too good for this place. You don't fit here. You don't fit in Snyder either. That's the truth."

"Just…," I looked out the window, "shut-up."

So he did for minute. "Bella," he finally said, "us sitting here in this car together in a white neighborhood…Bixby gonna be by any second."

"Eric…how do you know that…about my father?"

"My mother."

"Is that all they do is talk about me?"

"When they ain't talking about me throwing off Jesus and Dr. King."

We laugh but it's weak.

"Some say…Jacob. For you. Some say…pretty much they all say Jacob. They knew him. He was around Snyder town. He was the man."

"Naomi would have told me that. I've asked her. She says I got to face it…I come from Charlie Swan."

He laughed so hard I thought he would die.

"It's not funny," I kind of yelled. I might have shoved his shoulder, too.

He settled down some. "The timing, Bella. What about that? That's what they say."

"It was long after the war. I was born in '52 so don't tell me Charlie wasn't around by then. He was."

"It's all there if you want to see it. He kept the yard when your Daddy fought. They was friends Jacob and your Mama. Close in age. It's like a movie…that old Imitation of Life where the daughter is always passing for white and one day her old mammy shows up at school in front of her friends and she says she don't know Mammy."

"Is Naomi Mammy?"

"Yeah, and you're the one won't claim her…the daughter that passes."

"Lovely little summary of my life."

"Or Guess Who's Coming to Dinner with my man Sydney. It's some of that, too, white daughter coming home and oops, guess who she's got on her arm…Hello Boss!"

"Has nothing to do with me."

"No…that would be your Mama."

"Anyone get by with talking about your mama lately? First you call my mama crazy and now an adulteress," I said angry, shoving against him again.

He had his hands up but he kept talking. "Jacob had women after him in Snyder Town, could have had anybody is what I heard but he didn't want none of them. They said he already had him a woman. Naomi raised him to think too much of himself. Didn't know who he was. They say she did the same with you. That's pretty much what they say."

I went for him, but he got out quick and went to the driver's side.

I locked the door and he stood there looking in the window at me. "You should know. I been trying to tell you for years. It's one of the reasons I never felt I could listen to Naomi…believe anything she said."

He was looking at me without apology. He'd wanted to say all this for a long time.

I unlocked the door and got out of the car.

"Get back in, Bella. I ain't bein' evil. Ask me…it's been evil not to tell you. Somebody had to. All those years we were put together…you never really fit in…like our royal guest. Just a guest wherever you were…even at school. You got to get this settled, don't you think? Don't you think you got a right to know? Don't you want to know who you are?"

"I'm gonna walk," I said. "You best go on."

"I'm leaving in two days," he said.

"Well…good-bye then."

"Don't be all mad. Are you mad at me?"

"No," I said.

"I ain't going to paint out that fist," he laughed.

I looked at him. "Like I didn't know?"

He stepped toward me and awkwardly hugged me, but I didn't hug back.

"Take care of yourself little sister," he whispered.

"Yeah…you too," I said, the road under my feet as thin as onion skin, ready to let me drop through.

It was in me, that black fist Eric had drawn. It was in me.


	31. Chapter 31

Finding My Thunder 31

After Eric pulled away I stood there…no wonder Edward was just blocks away…blocks away from me now…but miles apart, already an ocean between us. I was just a part of a girl... Those others, shallow or deep, no matter, they knew what they were. Maybe not who. But they knew what.

Color was not my issue with Edward. It was my issue with myself. With my history, my roots in creation, with what I'd been told about myself by the folks I was supposed to trust with those things.

Edward had asked me how my family set up so he could know me…but he couldn't know me cause I didn't know myself. This is why people could hurt me, not because of Edward Cullen, Edward Italiano, but because I didn't stand on anything, for anything, I couldn't, I was a shadow, I was nothing, too much, not enough. I couldn't fight because I didn't know!

I felt all of my focus and all of my rage pull together and land in one place. Naomi Blue. I ran for her house. She had to be home. After all this time, my whole life in fact, after all of it I couldn't wait another minute, second, I had to know once and for all I had to.

I ran there. I ran, down what used to be my street, tore past what used to be my house, where my mother used to live, then what used to be my yard, over the Canna bed to the fence in back, through the gate where my dog used to bark and snap, across the porch where Edward used to wait for me, but it was all gone, and yet in me…as I'd seen…as I'd known…all of them coming together, all of them closing in.

Naomi sat at the kitchen table with Debra. They were eating some of the cake…sixteen years…of silence and lies. I had to catch my breath and they were alarmed, standing, hands on me, what happened? Are you hurt?

"Who," I breathed, I panted, "who is my father? Who is my father? Who is he?"

The cymbals had crashed and they stepped back and Debra lowered to her seat her eyes big on Naomi. "Should I go?" she said.

"No," said Naomi, glad to have something she could speak to besides my question. That I knew.

"Well sit down," she said to me, reason in her voice like always.

"Answer me," I said loud.

Debra said, "Hey now," and Naomi held out her hand like a stop sign.

"Sit down," she said again.

"If you don't answer me…I am going to break…apart."

"I will answer. I will. Just sit down, baby. It's a long answer."

So I let her pull the chair for me and I dropped.

She sat quick. She leaned toward me. "Charlie is your father, Bella."

I slapped the table and I couldn't feel my hand. "No. The truth. The truth that everyone knows, that everyone says in Snyder and at school…the rumor Edward brought me. The truth!"

Naomi has pulled back but she keeps her eyes on me. "Charlie Swan. He is your father."

"Jacob Blue is my father."

She shook her head. "He is not."

"How do you know that? You've lied to me for so long."

She licked her lips. "It's the blood. That's…how they tell. You cannot match Jacob's blood-type."

She was trying to explain it, the science, but I talked over her, "You're lying. Are we blood? You and me? Why wouldn't you tell me that? You let me think I had no one. Why are you lying to me?" I slapped the table over and over. I couldn't seem to stop, and I cried and my face was twisted up.

"Listen to me Bella, listen to me. You have always had me. Always. I am telling you the truth. I am telling you what I know. Charles Swan is your father. I wish I could help you…I wish I could say it's not so."

"I am black…inside. I feel it. Safronia. Safro…nia. You can't not let me know…you can't. I'm like Edward. We've always known…he has. We're alike…we're the same…he's my love. And…he's my love. He protects me…you protect me…but you're killing me. Don't you see it? You're killing me."

I had pushed my chair back at an odd angle and I was sobbing now, feeling myself melting down. She grabbed at my hands. "Shh. Shhh. I will tell you. I was going to tell you but I promised your grandmother…I promised."

"Is Jacob Blue my father?" I asked one more time, gasping and breaking against her.

"No. Not father."

I shook my head. I looked at Debra. "I did not know," she said.

"Your Great Grandmother…the day we got word her daughter had died…we went to Memphis just her and me. She couldn't tell the mister, he had washed his hands of her. But we went there in the worst part of that city in a place so foul…and there was Leonard Shote's sister, drunk and a broken woman…a junkie…so high and so low…so angry we were not the pusher man but two 'goddamn mission women,' as she put it.

"We had not realized Renee's mother lived with a Negro man. Not a good man though. But had the white grandfather known that…there would be nothing we could do for these children she had left. Leonard's children is what the sister said.

"And in that one filthy room, Renee, just a toddler, dirty…" Naomi looked off, tears streaming and she wiped at them then looking away she said, "and in the corner there…," a sob, but she pulled it in and I saw her holding her shoulders straight, "…a cardboard box for bathroom tissue…why I remember…a little baby black and skinny," she was laughing and crying now. "No diaper…no clothes. And Renee she comes in between us there and points and says, 'Baby,' and she is sucking on a bottle and it just has this milky water in it…this water with some Karo syrup, and she puts it in this baby's mouth and he sucks a few times and she pulls it from him and sucks on it herself. And then back to him. And we realize…she is caring for this baby and she is not yet two years old. And your great granny picks her up and…."

"Well…I lift him…I lift him, this sour smelling string bean and there is so much angry life in him he almost wiggles out of my hands and I say, 'Lord Jesus.'"

Now she looks at me, light in her face, "And that was him. My Jacob."


	32. Chapter 32

Finding My Thunder 32

Naomi and me sat in the living room for the rest of the evening, me curled next to her limp but oddly peaceful. Our sides were touching, sometimes her arm came around me until the arthritis.

Around us were the picture boxes and the album of Jacob growing up. How many times I'd looked at these, but not like now.

He was my uncle. He was my blood. If he had lived…no, I couldn't think of it. She already did…Naomi. I couldn't add my grief.

No matter who the father, Leonard Shote, my black no account grandfather, or some other, no matter who, Jacob's mother Lottie was my grandmother. She never married anyone far as we knew, and not Leonard for sure.

The room I had grown up in in Mama's house had been Lottie's room. She had run away young, she had got on drugs sometime and turned to a low-down life.

Naomi said there were only two happy things ever went on in Great Grandma Susan's big house…Renee when she was a child…and later…me. I didn't have much confidence that now it had come to Charlie him and his new family could lift the curse of sadness there.

So, when Lottie died, Susan had conspired with Naomi to rescue Lottie's children. Without telling her husband Clyde, Susan journeyed to Memphis with Naomi. Susan rescued Renee cause she showed white.

But Renee's brother Jacob, the baby in the box who lived on random sucks of Karo, that one so dark so long and angry…Naomi took. She brought him home to her husband William.

William knew the truth about the babies, but far as Clyde knew there was no Leonard Shote, no consorting with Negroes no way, and there was just Renee. He could not, could not ever know about Jacob and all that would bring up. Jacob and Renee's lives depended on their silence.

Together they created a bulwark of secrecy and behind that wall those children grew. And I did, too.

We turned on the fan and it blew on us, and we sat in the dip of that old brown couch and we let ourselves exist and we breathed.

I understood. And a huge part of myself solidified.

Inside my mind the curtain was torn in two, just like in the bible story of the temple, the curtain that hid the presence of God, ripped away and God got out of that special room, that box where the Jews had held him, God was too big to stay in there and that was like me, the truth, the truth was free in me and there was no telling where it would go.

And what I knew first off…there was more. Oh there was more. Secrecy was the way.

Mama and Jacob were told they were siblings. But Charlie never knew. He would not have tolerated such…but in himself…it was there. He was so broken apart from his inner voice…as I had been until today.

No, Charlie did not listen. But Mama…in the end…and maybe most her life…it was all she could hear.


	33. Chapter 33

Finding My Thunder 33

That last night, knowing how it would be for Edward…maybe out with friends, I didn't know but he'd had a life as varied as a wealthy man's wardrobe and he could put it on, any part of it, any time and it would cover him.

But now it was morning. I needed to pull myself out of this bed, this womb of 100 percent pink cotton.

But I laid there and fought the panic. He was leaving…harsh…a quick jab of despair, my eyes glued shut, my throat dry and sore and this heaviness…. Edward was leaving today.

Can you comfort yourself? I imagined Naomi saying to me as I'd heard her say to others growing up…others in beds hurting. She would say, what do you know that is good and true. Well, at least Edward would still be on this continent for a while. I knew that.

I was near him, had grown up this way, on his street, now living on the alley that ran behind his house too, connected by this brick river. Years in his shadow, never turning my head but knowing he was there, feeling his light and the ache it brought me, but still I knew he was alright. And now, stronger than ever…the way I could dwell in his margins.

He had a one thirty flight out of Memphis, hangar B to Los Angeles. I had to get there to Memphis somehow, all sixty five miles away. I had to pony up and be brave.

Hitchhiking was the best way I could think of and I wished I had those free-spirited girls with me that I'd had Edward pick up on the way to the boy's farm. But I just had me and a heart ready to burst with desperate love. I hoped this trip would use some of it up cause I was so overfilled with no way to let it out. For him.

I put on jeans and a t-shirt and packed my bag, then scribbled a note for Naomi that I was going to go sign up for school and walk around since this was my last day of freedom, and I had some things to do like go to the J. C. Penny's catalogue store that was stuck in back of the auto body shop and write down the numbers on some new school clothes so she could work on helping me buy those things…and I was never in a million years going to really let her do this. I had all my clothes and Mama's to make over some, and I didn't wear but half a dozen things, so no. She had done enough for me. But in the note I did say I would go there right after I registered.

Painting the temple earned me some freedom. And the events of last night garnered some sympathy. She would want to give me time to take care of my responsibilities and think.

She was pulled…like my Sooner with those pups. Naomi had folks she looked in on everyday. She was retired from the hospital but that just led to more time at her Temple work. She would never retire from serving her Lord, not ever. Sick folks in Snyder depended on her to see they hadn't died in their beds. And there was usually something of a dramatic nature, sometimes life and death, going on with the community. She was gone most days, some evenings too what with prayer meeting and bible study and clothes gathering and food distributing and driving others like a taxi to various appointments at doctors and lawyers and social service agencies and to visit loved ones and even to the jail. There was mission work and sewing and the endless cooking the ladies did for the many meals they gathered round and gave away. She had her tiny pension and she had the stipend they paid her to shepherd and she got more gifts from her flock than you could believe, six ears of corn, a bag of greens, a chicken leg and thigh fried crisp, biscuits. She loved to tell me how rich she was…rich in folks and love, for the Lord had promised houses and lands and Snyder Town was her kingdom.

So hopefully she'd let me drop out of her mind some. I drew a smiley face on the bottom of the note just to let her know I wasn't going off to kill myself or something.

I headed out. I had some money for the bus home and maybe extra I hoped. Birthday money and temple painting money.

I kept to the alley to leave town by. I walked along behind his house and it wounded me in the stomach to see it, to know it was his place, it held the hours of his history, it held his people and they hurt too, like I did. They wept some inside like me.

A man and his wife took me as far as Hillsboro. I told them I had a flight to catch in Memphis. I was going off to college, I said. They lectured me some about hitchhiking and the state of young people in general, and I was the age of their granddaughter so that's why they stopped. I thanked them in Hillsboro and they were upset I would travel on and they could not take me as they lived in Hillsboro, but I assured them I would be alright, and I almost had to run off while they were still talking and worrying and they did not leave but watched me beg for my next ride at the gas station and I did catch a ride with a Mexican family who had been working the vegetable fields in Florida and were visiting family outside of Memphis. They did not speak great English, but my one year of Spanish did help the littlest bit, so I sat in the back with two little kids and some luggage and the wind beat my hair so I braided it and wore my bandana and they took me all the way to the airport. I thanked them so much and tried to give them five dollars for gas and the children or something, but they wouldn't take it so I said good-bye and hurried into the terminal.

It was big. And I went right to a desk because neither of the drivers I'd picked had gone very fast, so it was close to one, it was twelve forty three. I found the terminal and I felt like I walked the giant leg of that place and I got to B and went almost all the way back to the place where regular people had to stop. I could see a crowd there, but no military in that group. But what I did see was her golden head of hair and Lauren's dark one. And I went behind a large tiled post and my heart was thumping and my chest was squeezing. I felt exhausted and filthy and ashamed to be there. And I dug quickly in my bag for the letter I'd written to him and I held it in my hand and stared at it. I had pushed myself to get this far and I was just going to give God the credit for getting me here. Maybe he did it to finally pulverize me down to nothing, but I was here. Tanya was just another barrier. But one that Edward had taken very seriously. I made up my mind. Really…I already had.

I couldn't say how, but I knew he approached and I moved around the post and looked back from the direction I'd come from. And he was walking in the broad hallway. He wore jeans and a denim button down shirt, untucked. His boots. His hair buzzed off. His brow, his eyes more than ever…his lips red. Shaven clean.

She and Lauren ran to him squealing. He had not come with them. He looked surprised and he smiled but I felt it in my heart he was thrown. But not as thrown as he soon would be. I waited while it settled some, and he talked polite. She went to him and hugged him. His arm came to her back and he hugged her, but not like a lover, not like he hugged me, with his body, with his face, with his legs, with his self.

So I waited, and I heard the announcement. Others were dispersing, going deeper down the corridor where only the passengers were allowed. He was wrapping it up, but they followed, they laughed, but he seemed nervous. They didn't know how he felt. They didn't know how they were barging through his final moments to be a civilian. But I knew.

I gripped the letter, gripped it with both hands, and as he moved and they moved with him, closer, I stepped out from behind the post. And his head turned and he saw me first. He stopped then. I saw his lips form my name, but no sound, and they were still talking. He moved toward me, and me toward him, not running, just walking. I dropped my bag, I heard it hit, but I went to him, my arms open until they were around his waist and he grabbed on to me and I pressed my face, my body against him, as hard as I could, he held me so tight, I held him so tight. It grew quiet around us, just the people passing, the announcement again, he needed to board. I looked up, and he was right there, and his eyes now. "Every day…every minute…." I said.

"Bella," he said, and such a look…I would see it…ponder it…but for now, the lines in his lips, the beard in his skin like pepper, my hand on his face, and a kiss against my lips, but it's too much and it ends and we're just close, and it's in his breaths and mine, the weight of everything.

"Go," I say. And I shove the envelope into his hand. And he has grabbed my arms and he rips himself away and our arms are extended as he creates reluctant distance and our fingers are the last thing and he keeps pulling, and I stand…and he looks back…he looks back…he looks back…and I stand, staring, until he looks back once more…and he's gone.

I am only looking after him, just two eyes looking, no body, no feet, no dropped bag, no airport, no stunned bitches who have huffed off and left the stench of their perfume to my left, nothing but him…nothing but this love.


	34. Chapter 34

Finding My Thunder 34

Nothing good was going to come easy. I knew that now. I somehow knew I'd fought to get born, really fought, a baby she had by a man she didn't love. I'd always been in trouble.

They'd taken my bag. It was gone. I knew it was them, Tanya and Lauren. I had two choices, go after them, try to find them and get it back, or go to the big plate glass window where others stood waiting to see Edward's flight take off and see him go into the sky…alive.

I went to the window. I felt his arms around me, his body against me, his skin his lips his eyes his fear his excitement his sorrow his eagerness. I felt it all and I wasn't ready to let it go, to let him go and I stood against the glass, a tree frog girl with a serious look on her face as she watched and waited and finally saw the jet taxi and turn and go down the runway and build speed and lift, lift, lift, lift, lift…and small, smaller, smallest, all that power soaring and soaring until it was gone.

Plastered on the glass I couldn't fall. But there was only this invisible thing holding me, like God would if he was solid.

At some point Edward would open the letter, maybe now, maybe right away and he'd see this, a piece of loose leaf and on both sides in big and small letters, some hollow, some solid all sizes the same thing, both sides same thing, over and over, "I love you." And then a picture, school picture Naomi made me buy. Bad and stupid and serious just staring there, just me. All I had to offer but honest, and if he took that, this plain thing that was me, just there…then he took the love.

A ribbon of highways led from the airport. I couldn't go out there and get on that. I didn't know the right way. I needed someone who did, who could take me out of here in the direction of home.

The one I picked was carrying a big orange suitcase. She was around Mama's age, maybe more. Gray white hair and a face still younger than that color. She wore black slacks and a man's shirt, white and rolled on her arms.

"Ma'am…I lost my purse and need a ride home or that way. I live in Ludicrous." Well I was that girl in the picture, just staring.

She was struggling with that case and looked at me. "You with those Krishna's?" she asked and I don't know why. They were over there chanting but in a minute they'd disperse and start trying to sell their books.

"No ma'am. I'm with…myself. I came up this morning to see my boyfriend off to the army."

She stopped now and set that orange monstrosity down and rubbed over her arms. "What's your name?"

"Bella Swan," I said.

"Where you live?"

"3139 Willard Street in Ludicrous. I live in back there with my grandma."

She nodded, looking me over, up and down. "Army, huh?"

"Yes ma'am."

"My Lonnie was in. Korea. You watch this suitcase for me at the door while I get my truck I'll give you a ride. But you screw me over and I'm coming to Ludicrous," she pointed her finger and it was sharp and painted red and there were blue veins standing on the backs of her hands but I knew if I were to touch them they would be rougher than Jergens could fix.

"Yes ma'am…I mean…no ma'am I wouldn't screw you over."

And that's how I met Annie Jackson.

Annie Jackson could not be construed in Naomi's big book as a cherubim but she was an angel. We exchanged information pretty quick and she owned a welding business and machine shop. I couldn't believe it. She was on her way home now from a dairy show.

I about fell out of the truck I was so surprised. "Are you like a woman's libber?" I asked because even the way she lit her cigarette, and boy did I want to bum one, but Edward needed me to walk the straight and narrow more than ever now he was the property of the United States Army, so I just licked my lips and endured that part.

She laughed at women libbers, she said. Just shut up and push was her motto. I loved that motto. I really did. I even think Naomi would love it cause the women I knew who were really doing something, and I just knew a handful, Naomi included, they were too busy for a movement. And besides, Annie said, she loved men. Had loved a particular one for twenty-six years, her husband Lonnie who had hair like Elvis, just like him she said, and she dug a picture out of her purse and showed me and he was in a wheel chair, and the hair…well not too much like Elivs, but some Jethro.

I got a flash of Edward in my mind that first day after I'd cut his hair and him picking me up on the way to work and that ducktail in the back, his face, mouth mostly, and I ached with love.

He had Cerebral palsy, Lonnie did. They used to run the business together. It had been his, but now, him in a chair, she took over.

She knew how to weld, but she didn't do that no more. She was management. That meant everyone and his brother were her boss, she said. But the real money, she said was in sales. That's what she'd discovered. She spent many years drumming up customers going against men giving kick-backs, fending off the advances of male buyers and others selling and the guys in the oily shops who'd never witnessed a woman stepping her high-heel in those places and she'd been built some like me then.

But now…she had a good name and a reputation for fair pricing and fast delivery. So she wasn't traveling so much but she was always looking to expand. "You get out of school, give me a call, girl like you, guts enough to go the city without a car…you might just be crazy enough to give me a try."

We laughed some and I told her about my situation and she was so mad. "I know him!" she realized. "He's that gypsy outfit," she said. "He's underbid me before then he didn't finish and I had to go in anyway and straighten out his mess! He can't get the jobs that count. He'll be fixing someone's wagon or something like that maybe. What a bastard you got stuck with. Girl like you?"

Well I didn't tell her the half, but when she dropped me home I had her card and she told me to come see her anytime and she meant what she said I got out of school.

Really? There was nothing those girls could do to me. James either. Daddy either. Nothing…nothing at all. I was rich, like Naomi. I was rich.

Next day school started.


	35. Chapter 35

Thanks for all the kind comments and reviews. I read every word and you guys inspire me.

Finding My Thunder 35

Naomi was already gone when I got up the next morning, first day of my junior year of high school. But she'd left me a note with a five dollar bill, and two pieces of cinnamon toast under an embroidered cloth napkin. Also a glass of orange juice she had squeezed herself and a One a Day vitamin beside it. Very touching but I was too queasy to eat it.

I had beaten her here yesterday. So there had been no questions. She got home after I was in bed…or pretended to be. I had the road on me, a hum in my ear, the roar of planes, the moving ribbon of asphalt, radio stations I wouldn't have chosen and good people who had let me into their cars and lives rolling through my head and I hadn't been able to sleep much…but mostly the feel of Edward, that last kiss, mostly that kept me awake.

I had a sense of adventure so strong it was as if I'd gone into the army myself, as if I saw beyond this pinprick called Ludicrous and it was hard to fold myself into a small enough piece to fit back into its stifling reality.

I thought of Peter, Paul and Mary's song, The Cruel War, about following your love into battle. _I'd tie back my hair, men's clothing I'd put on, won't you let me go with you? No, my love, no._

I understood it, how it felt to let Edward go where I couldn't follow. It blew.

Why did I have to have so many thoughts first thing in the morning? I took one bite of the toast and a sip of the juice. When I got home from school I would drink the rest, my reward for surviving the day. I took the five dollars because it was all I had now.

For all the angst I felt, I tried to imagine how it was going for Edward. I pictured some sergeant screaming in his face like I'd seen on Gomer Pyle, but Edward wouldn't be Gomer, he'd excel at everything…just like always. I knew that and I feared where that would lead, but that was him. Every mile between us felt like two but I'd better get used to it. If he wrote me…and he'd have to or I'd be reduced to asking Dickens to smuggle me his address, but if he wrote it would be one way of pushing through the distance.

I fumbled through my clothes, finding what to wear. I had a mini dress, striped poor boy top and attached beige denim A-line skirt with a wide belt around my hips. I'd had this dress since the eighth grade but I hardly ever wore it except sometimes to temple. I paired it with my boots that stopped a few inches below my knees. I liked these, but at school I wasn't comfortable with the clunky noise they made when I walked down the hall because a shadow shouldn't make too much noise…but now? They were perfect.

My hair was long, to my waist, parted in the middle. Often I braided it or wore it tied back, almost afraid to let people see it, I don't know why. It might have been the best thing about me…or not so great. I didn't know anything for sure. I thought I changed over the summer…looked older. Maybe it was that…or maybe it was the love…it changed people…songs said so…and I'd seen it in other girls…but…I didn't know. But the dress looked different, more pokey in some places or fuller but I wasn't going to keep apologizing to the world. I was a girl. There were a lot of us and I was one. And that was settled because I loved Edward.

I had myself pretty pumped. It was a good walk to school and I'd made it before a hundred plus times so I scrounged enough contents for another purse, one not so big and I set off.

On the way to school I got offered a ride by some boys I'd known…they said, "Hey…get in here so we can check you out," and I ignored them and crossed the street and they laid rubber. And an older man honked and another, but I didn't look. It made me mad but there wasn't anything I could do about it.

Seeing school, a new wave of jacked-up cars in the lot, the field beyond its own kind of cemetery. I stood there a minute remembering my time with Edward that sad day…that field was his and now…ours. I was here…holding my place…with him.

Students smoked next to the stairs, the designated smoking area meant to shame us, but it didn't. But I wouldn't be using it this year. So I went up those broad cement steps and through the double doors and just that smell of Ludicrous High, just that made me groan.

I went down the hall, heard Tanya's group, always the loudest, taking the most space, the best seats, the center, the elevated places, the lights, the prize. They squealed as they saw each other, as they packed together in school colors

I went into the office. I had missed registration. A line, the bell, a chair, talk and talk, pencil held against forms and pointing and arguing and reasoning and sighs, and finally it was my turn. Mrs. Cope faced me.

The lecture was unspoken but it hung there. She had repeated it all morning. I wasn't a special case. There had been a place, a time to do this. And now I was here.

I had a doable schedule, with fine arts and typing and shorthand and French again. She piled books on the counter. I gave her two dollars for my gym uniform. Four dollars for my art fee. "Oh, a size small, please," I said as she slapped that folded uniform on the desk that I noticed was a large. She clicked her tongue, then whipped it away to exchange it.

I didn't need a parking pass, I didn't need a bus pass, I wasn't playing sports. And so it went, and finally my locker number. "You're going to have to have a locker with the seniors," she said. "There are no more available for the juniors. We had a couple of transfers…you're our biggest class this year."

"Is there a locker anywhere else?" I said. "With the freshmen…or something?"

She gave me a look then ignored the question. She gave me the locker with the seniors and I told myself…I didn't have to use it.

Time I got out of there first period was half over. Even still I needed to scope out the locker. It was on the end, not in the middle, a full sized one because seniors got the best ones, but this would put me in their den…and I didn't know who was around me. But I had so many books now, and I lifted the silver handle, that metallic sound, I hated it, what it meant, school in session, locked in. I put some of the books in for my afternoon classes and closed it softly. I hadn't gotten my combination lock and that meant another trip to the office but I'd have to do it during lunch.

I ran to what was left of homeroom and stopped outside the door and tried to walk in calm but they were quiet and staring and one of the boys whistled and I knew my cheeks flushed, and the teacher said the cliché thing, "Nice of you to come, Miss Swan," and I smiled and a couple of boys in the back of the room said, "Sit here," but I just stopped at the first empty desk and sat there and felt pretty stupid.

I thought of Annie going into those places to sell fittings and machinery and what it must have been like for her, under that crude male sizing up, the kind of thing made you feel powerless.

Naomi said Queen Vashti wouldn't have it. When King Xerxes sent for her to parade her naked in front of his drunk friends, she refused. That paved the way for Esther to become queen and Esther went on to save the whole Jewish nation. She said, when women did the right thing, the brave thing, everyone got lifted.

Annie wouldn't let it stop her when she went in those shops and took it for being female. So that's what I thought of and it calmed me some, that and picking on the binding of one of my books.

"Hey Swan," one of the boys, a football player, called. We were supposed to be filling out surveys for a variety of clubs. I turned around because ignoring him wasn't going to make him go away. "You still got your cherry?" he said.

And the teacher, the habitually frustrated and seemingly worn out even on the first day of school Mr. Boxer said, "Okay Davis, do you want to go to the office on the first day cause I'll drag you down there, no problem."

"No sir, I'd rather go tomorrow," he said and his buddy laughed like a horse and Boxer came down the isle in his brown polyester pants and yellow short-sleeved button down and that brown clip on tie and grabbed Davis by the back of his neck, but Davis was bigger but not stronger, so a scuffle broke out and kids were diving out of their desks, including me. Some books flew onto the floor, and Davis, realizing Boxer was too pissed off to let this go surrendered then. Boxer took over big time, head so red it looked ready to pop and he had Davis by the neck and dragged him out.

There was a second of silence as the students looked at one another. One girl was rubbing her arm where they'd plowed into her, another boy thought there was a scrape on his leg and was trying to get his pant leg high enough to look. I swallowed and picked up my stuff and righted my desk like everyone else.

"So, Swan…about that cherry," Davis's friend laughed and someone else said, "Shut up asshole," and I felt better then, I don't know why.

So the blow-up in Boxer's classroom was big news, but it was just the first day. At the assembly to welcome us back Principal Brown addressed us about school violence, telling us that they, the principal and teachers, realized on the nightly news we were seeing Communist sympathizers and misguided young people protest on college campuses and in cities all over this land but things were going forward in Ludicrous as they always had and we were God-fearing Americans and school discipline would be upheld and disregard for school rules would not be tolerated.

I rubbed my elbow where I'd hit it on the desk when Mr. Boxer had dived for Davis.

The principal went on to say that we needed to dress like young ladies and gentlemen and he went over the dress code to help us understand what clothing appropriate for learning looked like. I didn't hear much after that because I pictured each of us walking around naked wearing a big foil thinking cap programmed by Principal Brown from the intercom he loved to drone over.

He continued about how radical ideas and philosophies were better saved for those in college. It was evident the kinds of discussion they were having there by all the ridiculous displays of anti-American behavior we'd been bombarded with.

The principal finished and we all clapped, I should say over-clapped, as many of the boys really laid it on and whistled, and that culminated in a loud, "Fuck you," from a masculine voice and others laughed and clapped some more and the principal came off the stage and other teachers fanned out trying to locate the offender to no avail. However two boys were hauled off and we were dismissed and warned to leave the gym in an orderly fashion.

That's when I got shoved from behind, a group of girls, her group. The force of it made me plow into the people in front of me and there was shouting. I dropped my purse and the books I was holding and her friends walked over everything. Others protested, so they didn't get completely away with it, but really…they did.

This dragged us to third period. I went in the classroom and there she was taking Chemistry with me. She was one of three seniors in there. I tried to pick a seat as far away as possible. She and Lauren had my purse but in her mind I had her boyfriend. I had no idea what I was going to do about her, but she was already working on me.

She looked at me and smirked, but her eyes…she was mad. I didn't take pleasure in it, but there was no way around it. It wasn't my job to understand her. It was my right to get my purse back. However…I realized whatever she'd wanted to do to me she'd already done to my stuff. I pictured her and Lauren going through everything and strewing the contents all along the highway.

There hadn't been anything of value money-wise, but there had been money. Thirty dollars. And To Kill a Mockingbird. I loved to have a great story in my purse, and great music so I'd also had my transistor radio given to me by my dead mother when I turned fifteen. Whatever was in there…it was mine, valuable to me, that was the thing.

As the teacher droned on I tried not to slice my gaze Tanya's way. I sat back some and could see the back of her or in profile. Seems I'd looked at her all through school as she was always up front of us doing something grand. A girl husk. Husk of human. Nothing inside. Just…empty. Yes, I was dehumanizing my enemy. Damn.

Edward had said she would soon take up with someone else. Guys had scrambled to sit around her and all through class they tried to interact with her husk-self.

In some ways Edward had used her. He'd been curious about her and she was the one. There was no use hurting myself more with it. That had happened often enough in the past—me hurting myself with it.

I wondered if she and her friends would keep to those same ways even as adults, that they'd never get tired of it, staying in their circle dating one another, inner-breeding. It was a world I didn't want to understand.

Athletic talent had opened the door to this world for Edward. And he'd used it to keep Paul happy. Then he'd withdrawn and Paul tried to punish him. Now…I wondered what it would be like at Edward's house…for Dickens…for Alice. I'd have to reach out to them. I'd have to know they were okay even though James would come home. I wasn't going to keep living under this fear. By January…Edward would be a world away. I had to figure it out.

"Miss Swan?" Mrs. Spencer said and the class laughed because I'd been sitting there not answering.

"Oh…I…I'm sorry."

Mimicry from Tanya's corner. Tanya smiled at the one who'd done it. That's how it would be, I thought. She would be the sad one controlling her minions but never getting her hands dirty. They'd be only too glad to do anything she asked for a chance to receive one of her smiles.

"Would you like to explain to the class how you used chemistry in everyday life over the summer?" Mrs. Spencer asked, eyebrow arched.

"I baked a cake," I rattled off.

"Finally…someone with an intelligent answer," Mrs. Spencer said walking to the front of the room.

This brought more scoffing from Tanya's group but the teacher's compliment would have to be enough. She wasn't going to discipline them. She moved on to the next student with the next question, and I heard the same guy call me Bella Duck. Then Bella Duck Fucker.

Mrs. Spencer said, hand on bony hip, "No talking and no profanity."

A couple of other people looked offended that the comment wasn't addressed. "Stupid ass jocks," someone sneered.

Mrs. Spencer said loudly, "That is enough. I will not tolerate a lack of respect for this classroom." She stood up nobly for the cinder block walls and the windows and the green chalk boards.

The minute she turned around to write on the board someone said, "Bella fucks Edward Cullen."

Tanya looked hurt, and batted her sad eyes toward the boy who'd said it.

Mrs. Spencer laid the chalk on the ledge and turned slowly toward the class.

She lifted her chin. "Edward has gone off to fight for his country. Shame on you for speaking about him that way."

I looked around a bit and my eyes landed on the boy who'd made the comment about the jocks. I didn't know him but he looked like Abby Hoffman with the white guy fro hair. Definitely a reader or someone who could spout a speech on the evils of the establishment.

Maybe he'd been near me when they'd pushed me after assembly. Maybe he'd been one of the kids who'd also dropped books. But his arm was up, his long bony hand in the air. "Mrs. Spencer," he said in a voice that demanded her attention.

"Yes," she said leaning against the board.

"Are we going to learn the chemical properties of LSD in this class?"

She was blinking and staring.

Everyone broke into laughter then, and Mrs. Spencer looked ready to cry. She ended up throwing her eraser and screaming for us to quiet down.

Maybe there was hope for us yet. Rebellion was in the air. You could smell it along with the other smells, the bad lunches and the cleaners and the nervous sweat, too many perfumes that didn't mix, all combining to make up the smell of boredom and rage.

At lunch I ran to my locker to switch out books even though it was past time for doing this. Tanya and Lauren were mid-way down the short isle, also at their lockers. I hurried and threw books in, took others out. I was bent over and someone shoved me from behind and my head crashed into my open locker door. They were laughing when I stood and rubbed my head. Before I could stop myself I said, "Bitches."

It's like the world stopped then. One of them, a big girl, Jessica, came back toward me. "You call me that?"

We were all yelled at then by one of the teachers. We needed to get out of the area. The time for visiting lockers was over five minutes before and we were in violation….

They went to the lunchroom, moving in a pack, Jessica flipping me off and mouthing, "later."

I almost laughed. Then I did something…I don't know where it came from. I marched up to her and said, "I don't do violence. I don't pick on people because I can. You got something to say to me about 'later?'"

She wasn't prepared for me speaking to her. I was supposed to look terrorized and scurry off, I guessed.

"Get away from me blackie," she said and someone laughed.

"Keep your hands to yourself," I said and I looked at them all.

They laughed then, a couple of them moving off, Tanya turning away and Lauren. Jessica looked after them and followed. But she turned back to me, confident. "Little black Sambo," she said. They guffawed at that.

I stared after her for a minute, and they walked off casually, still laughing.

Then I went to the art room and watched out the window. My heart was racing. I heard Naomi again, about the immorality of receiving poor treatment from the hands of the oppressor.

She would quote from the bible and reason, You do all you can, then you stand.

I wanted to stand. In my boots. I laughed to think they were made for walking, like the dumb song Nancy Sinatra sang that got in you if you listened. But I'd never had a voice with those girls…in their midst. They were older this year. We were older. Was there conscience in there? Black Sambo? I supposed this came from living with Naomi. I couldn't allow her to suffer for taking me in. I had to stop this here…at the school. And if I couldn't….

They had my bag. It made me furious.

I tried to think of what Edward was doing, and if he thought my love note was stupid or weird…or if he got it, if he'd put it somewhere and when he needed to feel something of home…or me…the time we'd shared, the words…it would stand for that, like a presence. I remembered how it felt just yesterday to put my arms around him. I could do anything, work out any problem. I wasn't going to let them take that from me today. Or ever.

When I went to my locker after lunch it was dumped there, my bag from the airport. My locker door was open and over everything…my stuff. All of it was damaged-my book torn, my money ripped to shreds, lotion, lid-off, empty, candy bar just a wrapper, clean T-shirt ripped cause I'd brought it just in case, toothbrush snapped in half, transistor radio crushed. Of course they took the battery. Stupid stuff. The bag itself had been ripped through with scissors. This bag had been Mama's.

"Who did this?" I jumped a little when I looked behind and Mrs. Spencer stood there.

"I…don't know," I said. I knew it would be futile to accuse them.

"You need to report this in the office," she said.

I didn't answer, just kept cleaning.

"Are…you friends with Edward?" she asked and my weird-o-meter went off. He'd said he'd been hit on by teachers.

"Yes," I mumbled.

"I thought Tanya and him…I thought they were…getting…married?" she said.

I looked up at her. Way too much interest in her face. When I didn't answer but just stared she seemed to get a little jumpy. "Well, clean it up," she said, as if I wasn't. Then she walked away.

"Holy…cow," I whispered. I gathered the pieces of money together in a pile and put those in my purse. People climbed over me to get to their lockers. I heard laughing. But several asked me what happened. I just kept my head down and kept cleaning it up and said, "Someone shredded everything in my bag." A couple of them asked who and I said, "I can't say."

When I was finished I took it to the trashcan in the hall and dumped it in there. I heard laughing again. "Look kind of natural dumping that trash there," Jessica said and others laughed.

I went to the rest room and asked a girl to get off the sink so I could wash my hands. She was a lower classman so she slowly slid off and I washed and thought of how that bag looked in the trash, and a day when it was on Mama's arm, a good day when we'd walked to the square, and she swung it back and forth sometimes and we were playing the movie star game we'd made up where I gave her three clues and she had to guess the movie star….the bell rang and I gathered my stuff and went back out.

I walked swiftly to my next class, Advanced English. I had never had a class with Tanya in my entire school experience and now I had two. Jessica, who was my own age, was also in there and she sat behind Tanya.

I had a couple of girls come up to me before class started and express anger at what happened to me at my locker. They were seniors, but outcasts like me. They'd gone hippie over the summer looked like. "That's fucked," one of them, Hannah, said loudly slamming her books on her desk. Hannah had developed early, got these huge boobs in eighth grade and she had suffered for it. I'd heard the ridicule in the lunchroom or at assemblies. She learned to walk fast, wear big tops and keep her books over her chest when possible.

But something had happened to her, and she wore a peasant blouse and a denim skirt, and when she bent over you could see cleavage and she didn't seem to care at all.

"Someone needs to take those bitches down," she said and her friend laughed like that was the best idea she'd ever heard.

"Shut up," Jessica said, but Tanya kept her eyes straight as if she had no idea who they were talking about.

This was practically insurrection. I had never heard the jocks spoken against before today in two separate classes. The teacher entered and caught the tail end of it and asked what was going on. Hippie girl Hannah said, "Someone ruined everything in Bella Swan's purse and dumped it all over her locker and on the floor cause in this school only a hand full of people have all the rights and they do whatever the f….they want."

"You will watch your language in this class young lady," Mr. Tremont said. He was around forty and was so pale it was said he had leukemia. He did usually disappear from the classroom sometime in the year for mysterious absences. He usually sat during class and taught grand things like he didn't even remember we were in the room. I'd had him for English Two last year.

We were all quiet then. As I looked around, with the exception of Tanya and Jessica, there weren't any of their followers. There were probably a few who would do anything to be noticed by them, but they had not emerged in the conversation Hannah had opened up.

Mr. Tremont was going through notebooks seeming to be searching for something. I thought he'd let the subject drop but he finally said, "And Bella Swan, that is you back there is it not?"

Everyone looked at me. Hannah nodded at me like I needed encouragement to speak up. "Yes."

"Stand up," he said.

I stood.

"You were the source of trouble in another classroom this morning?"

Teacher's lounge. They told each other everything. I had never had a platform before. I didn't want to blow it. "No, I didn't cause it," I said and I could feel Hannah's interest.

"I suggest you remember you are here to learn and leave all the drama at home where it belongs," he said, wiping over his mouth with a burgundy silk handkerchief.

Hannah was squirming and I could feel her getting ready to respond.

"Mr. Tremont," I said, "I'm not responsible for the actions of others when I have done nothing to provoke those actions. I'm here to get an education, not to be asked…if I still have my cherry, not to be called black Sambo, not to be pushed and shoved, and not to have the private contents of my "stolen" purse ruined and dumped all over my locker."

"Right on!" Hannah yelled followed by furious clapping. Her friend, Penny, also got involved and clapped with her. A couple of the quieter boys turned and grinned hugely at me. I wished white Abbie-fro was in there, but he wasn't.

"That's the kind of crap we have at this school," Hannah said. "I had my ass grabbed in the lunch line," then to Jessica she said, "by your Neanderthal jock-ass boyfriend. I puked by the way," then back to the teacher, "I'm sick of this dump. Power to the people," she said.

"Get out," Mr. Tremont said pulling onto his feet. His two hands were splayed against his desk. "Get to the office and tell them you used profanity in my classroom even though you'd been warned," he said.

"Happily!" she yelled. "Hope I get some extra credit!" Then she stopped at Jessica's desk, "You and your bitches did that to her purse. I swear you'll get yours."

Jessica stood, "Get away from me you whore."

Mr. Tremont got in between them and yelled for Hannah to get out.

"She just called me a whore," she said, her voice rising high with incredulity. "I'm not going unless she has to go with me."

"I'm not going anywhere with you," Jessica scoffed.

"Silence," Mr. Tremont said. "You will go to the office at once, Hannah, or I will send for security and they will escort you down," Tremont said.

It was a stare off for a bit.

Slowly Hannah slid down the wall beside Jessica's desk. From a seated position she said. "Send for them then. I'm staging a sit-in to protest the injustice in this school. If there's a law it should be for everyone or it's imperialism."

Penny quickly moved across the room and sat beside Hannah. I was next, but I heard a couple of others getting out of their desks.

Mr. Tremont tried screaming at everyone to get back. He succeeded in chasing one of the girls to her desk before she could get very far. Then he told the same girl to go for Principal Brown and the girl said, "No sir."

Flustered he had to grab one of the boys, tiny Tim Felan who had never really developed and Tremont practically threw him toward the door and said, "Get Brown and tell him to bring security."

And that's how power to the people at Ludicrous High was born.


	36. Chapter 36

Finding My Thunder 36

The sit-in lasted until the bell rang for next class. In the meantime we sitters articulated our concerns over the inequal treatment of the students of Ludicrous High. Hannah was the most vocal. She was dating a college guy and that was the difference in her. She had attended various sit-ins over the summer and also engaged in lots of free sex and drug use, but that was secondary to her new understanding of the political, social and moral struggle people were experiencing all around us. She was eighteen and had been arrested in Memphis even. She was the immediate and natural leader.

So when Principal Boxer came with one of the coaches acting as the security Tremont threatened us with, Hannah ended up speaking heatedly to these two from the floor, a dozen of us lined out alongside of her.

The class distinction in place in this school had to change, she said.

The principal reiterated his speech from assembly.

Jessica piped up and said, "I'm proud to be American and I didn't come to school to be held against my will so a bunch of Communists could spew their hatred."

"Narc," Penny coughed into her hand and everyone laughed.

Tanya silently cried and Principal Boxer patted her back right over the back of her bra.

"Copin' a feel," Penny coughed this time, and we got to laughing so hard we couldn't control ourselves. Penny laid over on her side and just let go. We got very loud then.

Principal Brown let Tanya and Jessica leave the room early.

That made us laugh even more.

Principal Brown demanded silence at once.

He said he was separating us from some of our class leaders to protect us from one another.

Hannah said he was protecting them and thereby empowering them to continue their persecution, racism, intolerance for anyone different, exploitation of the less fortunate, the more intelligent, and the individualistic, artistic, deep thinking masses they oppressed. Furthermore, he was a part of the oppressive system, he was the establishment the revolution was out to transform. She finished this with, "Power to the People, baby."

I was in awe and Principal Brown looked flummoxed.

Shortly after that the bell rang and our sit-in was over. Everyone needed to pee after all that laughing. My head ached from where it had hit the locker and my elbow was killing me from first period, and I'd lost some personal property and had degrading comments made to me, but all in all it was turning in to a great day.

On the walk home I was deep in my thoughts. My life had gotten so different from what I'd imagined it would be. I wondered what the future held but I wasn't dreading it so much.

Hannah and Penny along with Beuford made my school days fly. The girls were seniors though so that meant I didn't see them as often as I'd like to. But in Mr. Tremont's class Hannah kept us thoroughly entertained and informed and Jessica had to keep her mouth shut or be shown up for the idiot she was.

"Try reading something other than True Confessions Magazine, dimwit," Hannah had said after Jessica shared her life goal with the class of working with retarded children but only if they were little girls in pretty dresses.

Of course Hannah had more to say, "You're the retarded girl in the dress…and it ain't pretty." It was, however, Jessica's cheerleading uniform, the garment of the high priestesses of the school. But we were almost falling out of our desks laughing.

I wished I could smoke again. Hannah and Penny smoked…everything, but also cigarettes. They were very free sexually as well. Hannah had an open relationship with her boyfriend and not the usual kind where he cheated and she sat home and cried, but one where if she wasn't with him, or occasionally when she was, she was with another guy. "Love," she explained to me and Penny while they were smoking and I was trying to get a whiff, "can't be boxed…or contained." I'd heard this before…like everywhere…and from Riley. "Our parents show us the repressive behavior of trying to spend their lives with just one person. Look how miserable they are. It never, ever works. It's not natural and it breeds jealousy and betrayal and lying because we're meant to love a lot of people. It's built in. It goes all the way back to evolution and survival."

She was very curious about my life. Everything that made me a reject with Tanya's crowd gave me a high pedigree with Hannah. I was part black, check. I lived with my black grandmother, check. She did good works in Snyder Town, check. I attended an all black church, double check. I was despised by the jocks, double check. I had suffered oppression and unlawful treatment by the jocks, triple check. My father had disowned me, cheated me out of my inheritance, and moved in a new family, quadruple check.

Hannah's life work was to ferret out injustice. In the bible, there is a powerful woman judge named Deborah. Deborah judges the entire nation of Israel under a palm tree. She calls it the Palm of Deborah. Naomi would say, "Leave it to a woman to judge a nation under a tree. Moses had to have a temple it took thousands of people to build. But Deborah? Pull up some sand and tell me your woes and I will give you the wisdom of God Himself. With iced tea I make myself."

Naomi calls her living room the Palm of Naomi when folks come to talk. "Come in to the Palm of Naomi," she says and she laughs and I can hear the ice clinking in the glass. And Hannah, she reminded me so much of my grandmother the way she could put her finger on it and call it out. She was the Deborah of Ludicrous High.

My first letter from Edward arrived fourteen days from his departure. I came home and checked the mail just like always. There it was, sitting in the box like God had laid an egg and it was in the shape of that white envelope.

I made a noise, some kind of squeal and took everything in the house and dropped it all and ran to my room and shut the door and kissed that envelope and jumped up and down. I carefully opened it because that return address was in the corner with his social security number that I'd have to use in every address on the front of the envelope and I memorized it before I had the letter out in his beautiful hand and I kissed the pages and a picture fell out. It was him slouching on a set of bleachers, laying back on his elbows and smirking at the camera. He wore a white T-shirt and fatigue pants. There was a bruise or scrape on his cheek. It was him. I stared at it…I don't know how long, everything in me screaming love.

Oh, I wanted him. I wanted him in my arms. Nothing else mattered. Fuck free love. Sorry God, but fuck it, I would never want anyone but him, not ever.

"Oh my heart, my heart," I whispered as my eyes started to devour his words. I was on my bed, on my stomach, his picture propped on my pillow so I could stare at him as I read.

He hated the army. He hated it. The letter was vile, full of cursing. He hated his sergeant, the drills, the food, the constant degrading and screaming, the whole thing.

I didn't expect him to hate it so much. I thought he'd fall right in seeing as he was kind of a joiner, but no. Hate.

Then he got to it…he was living in constant worry for me, worry that I was being treated badly. He wanted me to write him everyday. He was going crazy not hearing from me. He needed to hear from me. He had always needed me. He wanted me so badly. He lived on the memories…he went to sleep thinking of each word, each touch. He was an idiot to have broken with me and wasted time but he thought it was the right thing. I was the only one who made sense to him, what he felt for me, it was the realest thing in his life. He would never forgive someone if they hurt me.

He would get a break when he finished basic before they shipped him to Nam and he was counting the days, the minutes until he could be with me. And he wanted to be with me in every way possible before he left. He was done holding back. If I didn't feel the same I had to let him know. They told them to break it off with their girlfriends back home. They told them that statistically girls didn't wait and it was harder to get a Dear John in combat, even life threatening. So break it off now, they said.

Fuck them, he said. But if there was any doubt, or anyone else I had to tell him now. He wanted to know how I felt. Everything. He didn't want me to hold back either.

He wanted to know how I got to the airport. He wanted the whole story. Had I seen Sooner? Dickens or Alice? He wanted to know everything. He wanted me to write him everyday. He understood if I couldn't, but as much as I could. He wanted all the details no matter how stupid I thought they were. He wanted pictures of me. Any and all.

He was barely aware of his first flight ever. They were in the air before he was really present. That's how much my being at the airport had rattled him. He was elated and so worried for me. He wondered what they would do to me when he got on the plane, but he saw them leave though he was barely aware.

Write me, he said again at the end. As soon as he could call he would, maybe in a week. It would be on a Sunday. He'd let me know. He wanted to hear my voice. He added that California was beautiful from what he'd seen and someday he wanted to see it with me.

Then he signed it, Love Edward.

I couldn't believe it. It exceeded my hopes, almost as if I'd gotten drunk and wrote it myself to myself, making him say what I longed to hear…about us, not about his hatred for the army.

His angst was my angst. I hated to think he was already suffering with his choice. And he wasn't even in Nam yet. He wanted me to write everyday, so I grabbed a tablet and started to write.

I said, "I just finished your letter. When I got home from school I went straight to the mailbox like always and when it was there I was so happy and relieved I ran straight to my room and opened it and flopped on the bed. Thank you so much for the picture. You're so handsome in it. I didn't get to tell you…I love your hair…that song by Nina…but without it…your eyes…well I love them too.

I'm okay, first off. Haven't seen Sooner or your brother or sister yet. I will though."

Then I went on to tell him about school, about the sit-in. I wanted to put his mind at rest as much as I could. It was difficult sometimes at school, and there had been things, but nothing I couldn't handle so far.

When Naomi got home I was still writing. I was on the part where I was telling him I couldn't wait until he was finished with basic so we could be together but that also made me sad because it meant he was that much closer to going to war. So I told him I was conflicted, but not about us being together in every way. I'd been ready for that before he left, I said. I hated to put that on him, but it was true. And that's when Naomi appeared in my door.

She went right to the lamp. "You're going to ruin your eyes," she said cause I was writing in the dark.

I grabbed the picture and Edward's letter and now my own.

"I see he wrote," she said.

"Yes Ma'am," I said, trying to be patient that she'd interrupted me when I was on a roll. She sat on the one chair.

"Bella…I went to the market on the square and there was an ambulance at Charlie's shop."

"Yeah?"

"I stopped there and the police told me Charlie had an accident. Well…I saw them roll him out on the stretcher. Didn't look like he was concsious."

I stared at her and she at me.

"He fell down some steps there…cellar steps and that other one works for him…Riley? He said he went down there sometimes but he must of slipped. Well that one came back from lunch, that Riley, and he thought Charlie was still at the tavern eating his lunch so he just didn't think much of it. Then a few hours later he went up the street to check and they hadn't seen Charlie…and he finally figured it out and called down in that cellar and the lights were out so he got a flashlight and saw Charlie at the bottom of the stairs then. He'd laid there all that time."

I sat up on the bed and laid the papers and Edward's picture aside. "What did they say? Is he going to die or something?"

"They don't know. They spent a long time getting him moved. There was oil on the steps. They like to fell themselves. They don't know how many injuries. He never did come around."

My hand reached for and located Edward's picture. I held it against my thigh.

"What…what should I do?"

"Loreena was there…most everyone was on the square…but they still aren't married, those two. But she went along. So he's got someone there."

I kept staring at her.

"You know I heard that Riley say Charlie was the only one ever went down there. He'd get moody and go down there and take out the lightbulbs and he wouldn't come up no matter how much they called. And he thought maybe that's what this was."

"How often did he do that?"

"Not too often Riley said cause Bixby asked him that. He said the last time was after your mama died."

That would have meant Edward was there. He'd never mentioned such a thing. He'd never said.

I looked at his picture, his beautiful face, his eyes.

I looked. He'd never mentioned that…about Charlie.


	37. Chapter 37

Finding My Thunder 37

"What should I do?" I asked Naomi, concerning Charlie.

"Pray. That's the most powerful thing you can do. And you can call to find out how he's doing. They'll tell you over the phone. Then, when he wakes up…it's up to you."

"I think seeing me might upset him more," I said.

"It might," she said.

"I can't really do anything," I said.

"You can't," she said.

"I think I'll just call…maybe now. I'll call now, and then…every so often to know his progress," I said.

"Sounds like a plan," she said.

So that's what I did. He had still not regained consciousness, they said. His vitals were stable. He was in intensive care being watched closely. They had x-rayed him and there were some broken bones. Some swelling in the extremities, so probable internal bleeding. They'd know more in a few hours.

I hung up the phone. It was a helpless and strange feeling. I had given up the house with little more than a ripple. This felt similar. By staying away…it was so confusing. But he was my father.

"Naomi," I said.

"Yes," she said.

"When you and me were talking about Jacob and I wondered if he could be my father…and you said Charlie Swan was my father…."

"Yes?"

"And you said something about the blood, and Jacob couldn't be my father because of his blood…."

"I don't remember saying that. I did say he was not your father when you asked and I may have said the blood type pretty well ruled out such a possibility. That's what I would have meant. Renee and Jacob were brother and sister."

"Were they more?"

"Bella," she said like she'd caught me playing in the toilet bowl or something. "Sometimes I think you like to torture yourself with these things. Isn't life difficult enough?"

"If Charlie knew the truth, he would…."

"He might have killed you. Certainly your mother."

"He did kill her. Pretty much."

"I know what you are trying to say…but you have to find a way to turn him over to God."

"I have," I said. "And now he's lying in the hospital unconscious. Is that how God works?"

"You've heard me talk about how God works all your life. God works in many ways. All mysterious."

"Yes Ma'am. What if this is God?"

"Dangerous ground to speak off the cuff for God," she said. "Be sure you know for certain what you are about to say…."

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking you."

"Let it sit, then. Pray for him."

I nod. I want it to be God, not out of hatred for Charlie or anything at all concerning him. I have my own reasons. I surely do.

"Do you need to tell me something?" she asked.

"No," I say quick. "I don't know anything. I'm just wondering."

She sits back and keeps looking at me, and like I said before, her gaze can be really hard to hold.

It's five days later when Charlie wakes up, but then he doesn't really come around. He has trouble speaking, trouble moving at all. He's lethargic, irritable. They x-ray him but they are not sure. Seems he has brain damage. They think he's had a stroke, or a series of strokes.

Naomi travels the yard from our house to Charlie's. She carries a pie. Just the boy is home. He takes it and says, "Thank-you."

He's a freshman. I see him sometimes at school. I don't know him but I know this, he doesn't have a clue who he is.

Riley comes over that same night. "Hey," I say.

"Bella," he says, "we need to talk some."

"Is Sooner okay?"

"She sure is. She has her own cushion at the table…that same one. And the pups, you wouldn't hardly know them. We're all so attached. It sounds like a kennel at our house."

We laugh some.

"You look good," he says and I look down at my long skirt and my bare feet.

We sit side by side on the porch stairs. It's so pleasant out now that it's fall.

"Hear from Edward?"

"Pretty much. Twice now. But I write him everyday."

"That right?"

"Sure."

"Well…I just went to see Charlie. He's…I don't know what to think. It's gonna take a miracle…and it's like…I think he's given up on himself or something, there's no fire in him, you know? That just ain't Charlie."

"Can you carry on by yourself?"

"That's the thing. I can't do it all."

Him and me…we just kept looking at each other. I was thinking how cute he was and wondering what Hannah would think of him. He had some of her same views and those two together…well she wouldn't think a thing of the age difference. But did she really need another man in her life? Probably not. And he had all kinds of women.

"Why don't you come back to work with me? Maybe together…."

"Me? I…got school."

"Yeah, but…who's gonna take care of Charlie? I mean…think about it."

"Well Loreena, I suppose."

"Where is she? The nurse told me no one comes to see him. She wanted to get married while he was practically still in the coma. He about went crazy…crazier and they like to couldn't get him calmed down. Well…I talked to her some and she's gone through all his business. She knows what he owes. Fact is…she's moving out of that house. She said she's tired of carrying everything and that place ain't what she thought. We're in shit so deep at work. He ain't handled nothin'. I got to get paid somehow. I've sold off some of the scrap and just kept the money. I ain't trying to screw him…well like he does me…but I got to eat, too."

"I don't know," I said.

"You're still his daughter," he said.

"Yeah, but…you know how it is. He's disowned me."

"Well…typical Charlie, he didn't bother to make it legal so…you're still his daughter. Something happens to him, it goes to you. That's what me and Edward always said."

"Why were you talking about it with Edward?"

"Cause he was so pissed off the way Charlie treated you. You know Edward…he can't be passive about anything…especially where you're concerned. If he could of killed Charlie and hid the body…he'd of done it."

"You do know he broke up with me before he left?"

He shook his head. "Nah. Not really. He pushed you back for your own good. You're the one for him. Not that I believe in it, but he ain't gonna change."

"Let's go over to the shop so I can look at things," I say. But it's not just the paperwork I want to go through. I want to see the cellar.

"You don't want to go down there. There's rats down there," he said.

I am against the wall on the stairs, around five feet away from him. I can see the dark stain from the oil on several of the stairs. "He came down here sometimes," I repeated from what Naomi had said.

"Sometimes," he said. "That's why there's no light. He'd sit in the dark and drink his whiskey. Hard stuff for hard times I guess."

"Can you get lightbulbs so we can see what's down here?"

"He broke the bulbs off. We'll have to dig out the sockets."

"Then…do we have more flashlights?"

"Wait here," he said, and he came down a step or two and handed me his flashlight, then went back up. I squatted and shone the light around. I could see the old block wall a bit, the grime, a board shelf and old trash on it. He could sit down here with the lights broken out? Why?

Riley came with two more flashlights, neither of them very good. We went down carefully then, shining the lights. It looked like a dirty old cellar. Nothing down here he would have been working on. Nothing down here but a filthy floor and a workbench of sorts and a couple of shelves and a box of various rusty metal fittings and a stack of old green pads and some brown paper. There was rustling, and a hole in the wall that cool air came out of and in the opening, right there, a half drunk bottle of Jack.

We went back up.

I looked around. "That oil," I said.

"Yeah…I don't know."

"Did he carry something down there?"

"He didn't have anything when they brought him up. You saw. It's a spill looks like. He could of done it anytime. That stuff…."

"It doesn't absorb into that old wood?"

"You can still see it. It's not absorbed yet."

"Yeah. The stairs are so worn you could fall anyway," I said.

I went to the desk then and started to casually look through the mess.

"Remember you said there was money due. We got so many people showing up here for money. He yanked the phone out of the wall."

"What's he been doing?"

"He was going to let Loreena keep the books and fix it, but I don't think she was interested. She's got her own business to run. She tried some but you can't tell him what to do. I think she was…fed up."

"She's not going to stick with him?"

"Don't seem like it."

"Well, nothing we can do."

I found a box and started to put all the paper in there, the checkbook and a couple of ledgers. I fit as much in there as I could carry.

"I'll take it home and see. He'd have a fit though. He don't want me here."

"But Bella…it's like I said…you're the daughter. You're it. He's not…he's not in charge anymore. Not now. Bella…you need to go see him…see for yourself. Let me take you. You don't even have to talk to him. Just take a look."

"He didn't want me," I said hatefully. "He hated me…he hated my mother. He wanted to kill us…that's what I felt from him…murder. He hated us that much. It had to be hidden from him that my mother had a black father. People had to hide what they were…who they were. He's a villain. He's Hitler. He's Goliath. My whole life…nothing. He let us starve. We had to dismantle our house…sell bits and pieces. He's the reason we've invented free love. He's shit. Inside…he's all shit."

My face was on my knees now. My deal with God? Up in the air. Riley was just this open gate, I could say anything to him and he wouldn't punish me for it or even need me to explain it. He wasn't anything like Hannah. I'd been so wrong. She'd be going crazy over what I'd just said. She'd hate with me. But Riley, he'd dig through it and keep me looking at what mattered.

"This might be a real shot for you," he said. "Maybe you could make this place pay…something. Or maybe close it down…I don't know. But don't you want to try? You did this summer. You tried. Now he can't stop you."

"But don't we need him?"

"For what? If we could get this place going…manage it…we could hire someone else."

"You've got my head spinning." This is how he was like Hannah.

"I've got some really good shit that will do that anytime you want," he laughed.

"Oh yeah? Not at work," I said.

"No…a…right."

He was like a big kid. On the way home I told him we could go by the hospital. Maybe I did need to see what had happened for myself. I walked in there, knowing my way around really well. I asked at the desk and they told me it was late, but I hadn't been there before and they were aware so they said I could go in. I tried to say I just wanted a look, but they didn't care about all that, so I just shut up and went down the hall and it was a series of bays, not rooms like usual, but stalls, each one a dwindling, just hanging on someone. Sometimes a friend or loved one sat near, sometimes not. Then in the last bay, Charlie.

I wasn't indifferent like I thought I'd be. I was…sad…and humble. I didn't feel the need to understand myself it just was this sad humility. I went a little closer to the bed and the bandaged man who's mouth was slack and who's one eye was closed while the other was only partly closed. I stood all the way in where he could see me if he wanted. I just kept looking at him. The mighty had fallen. That's all I could think. Even Hitler ended up in a smoking grave. Charlie had looked in that grave and lived to tell it. Now it was his turn to get a rock in his forehead.

Naomi was right. We were all going to die. It was inevitable. But how we lived…that was the thing that blew the predictability out of the water.

I felt something then, on the hand I had unknowingly placed on the bed, the trembling light brush of a finger, as light as a mosquito landing. I looked at him. He had touched me.

How did he mean it? Was it meant to be a slap? A punch?

Was it meant to be a hug? A plea?

Then a tear from the one eye that seemed to still work. He tried to speak but a garble came out and he swallowed and was frustrated. He tried again and grew anxious and another strange sound came out.

I bent over him a little. "I…I'm your daughter," I said. "Maybe you think I'm someone else."

He got agitated then.

"It's okay," I said. I was good with sick people. And crazy ones. "I just wanted you to know…I really am your daughter."

Another tear and the hand lifting and shaking and falling back to the bed, then lifting again and falling against my arm and I went ahead and took it and in its way it tried to hold on to me. So I stood there holding onto his gnarled hand and he was looking at me, this desperate look like he was about to go under water and I was the only thing to keep him up, the only thing.

And I thought of Edward and what it would have been like…in the quarry…if he had let me go.

"Rest," I said. Oh…God, this was a big, sneaky deal you've sprung on me, I was thinking. I was going to set the terms on our deal…not you. I had already said what it would be. I painted the temple. I quit smoking. I went to church. I babysat. Once. I was trying not to curse. I was good for Naomi. I endured at school. Turned the other cheek. Yes I laughed a lot sometimes at various authority figures and assholes who spoke crap, I wasn't going for perfection, but this…a rotting house, a failing business, and Charlie looking like Boris Karloff in The Mummy? Oh no. Oh no you don't. No, no, no, no, no, no…no.


	38. Chapter 38

Finding My Thunder 38

Edward was to call on Sunday. Temple couldn't end quick enough for me to get home and sit by that phone. I was eating the hamburger Naomi had made me and staring at that black machine.

"A watched pot never boils," Naomi told me.

I didn't care. I wasn't going to take my eyes off of that phone.

Wouldn't you know as soon as I gave in to my bladder it rang. I ran out of the bathroom still pulling up my underwear and tugging on my skirt. I fell over the arm of the chair and got it on the fourth ring.

Naomi graciously said she was going to take her nap and she shut herself in her bedroom. But I waved my hand at her cause on the other end of that receiver was the most beautiful heart stopping voice God ever put in a man, "That you Bella?"

"Hello Edward," I said.

"Hey."

Then nothing for a minute, and I had tears and I was swallowing it all back down, the hysteria or something. "It's good to hear you," I said same time he said, "Well it's me."

"You first," I said laughing some.

He said, "It's me."

I said, "Well of course it's you. Who else?"

We laughed, and it was so strained. So I said that, and he said, "I don't know. I just…I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

"They listen cause they want their turn so we time each other."

"Well it won't get expensive then."

"I'd say more but…."

"You're shy?" I said just to goad him.

He laughed. "You'll think shy when you see me. You get my letters?"

"You get mine?"

"Yeah."

"Then you know I got yours."

"Bein' a smart ass?"

"Maybe," I said, then, "I'm sorry. I'm just excited you called," and I sounded like such a dumb ass.

"Well what's been goin' on?"

About a hundred things. "I didn't want to say in a letter, but Charlie got hurt."

A big pause. "Go on."

"I mean…real hurt. He fell."

Another big pause. "You gonna tell me more?"

"He fell on the cellar stairs. He may have had a stroke. I…I don't want to talk about that the whole time. What about you?"

"I'm fine. So is he going to be okay?"

"Well…he ain't the same. He's like…he's…," I got all choked up and I wanted to strangle myself. Edward did not need to call some sad sack. I'd dragged him through enough.

"I don't know but now I said it…well I'll write you when I know."

"Write me anyway. All the time."

"You really like my letters?"

"I like," and I heard him moving around and he said like he was close to the phone, "I like everything about you."

I didn't answer. "What about you?" he said.

"The…the same."

"I got you something for your birthday. I know it's late."

"What is it?"

"I'm not going to say. You have to wait until I get home. How's it going with school?"

"Fine."

"See anybody I know?"

"At school?"

"My family or anything?"

"Saw Dickens speed by one night but no…I'll write you about the business."

"What about it?"

"Oh I'll write. I want to talk to you. I do miss you. All the time. I wish you were here. Are they mean to you there?"

He laughed. "Tell me again."

"What? I miss you?"

"Yeah."

"I miss you. I…think about you that time at the airport."

"Promise you'll never hitchhike again. Not ever. I almost punched a hole in the wall when I read that. What were you…no self preservation."

"That time at the airport I was saying…you hugged me and I put my arms around you and I'd been missing you. You thinkin' still of those times? In my room?" Now I was whispering, keeping my eye on Naomi's closed door.

"That night…remember…what I told you? Your hair so long and…your shirt?"

I laughed a little. "Of course I remember it. Are there girls there…in the army?"

"There's no girl but one…just you. Every time I see a pretty girl anywhere it makes me want you all the more. I think, I got a girl like that, prettier even." Then it seems he had his hand over the phone and he was arguing with someone then he was back on again, "I gotta go. Just tell me one more thing. You think about me?"

"Everywhere I look at that school there is an Edward Cullen shrine. And…that's how it is in my heart. So…think on that?"

He laughed some. "I will. You love me?"

"Yes."

"You read what I want us to do when I get home?"

"I told you I'm ready."

"You forgive me…for breaking up?"

"Love keeps no record of wrongs," I quoted from scripture.

He argued again with someone, then he said mad, "I gotta go. Damn place…damn people."

"Well…hey…you wouldn't…that oil Charlie slipped on…."

"What? What oil?"

"Never mind. We'll talk later. I…I love you so much I can't…I just do."

"Write me. Don't forget." There was some shuffling then he said, "Hey…I love you."

"I love you too. I'm about to die with so much love in me."

He was off then.

"Hello," I said, and it was dead. Damn I had just got going.

I threw my head back on the chair and cried like a maniac.


	39. Chapter 39

Finding My Thunder 39

They moved Charlie to the VA hospital in Memphis for longer term care and physical therapy. Naomi took me up to Corning after school to say good-bye. He seemed to be on high alert when I walked in. He got agitated. The nurse talked in a loud voice to him, like he was deaf or maybe in grade school mentally. I could feel his contempt for her but it was buried under something new. He was trying to behave.

But for me it was a high-heat look. It mattered to him that I was there. "I'll try to get up there," I said, meaning Memphis. I call all the time to check so…," I went ahead and said it cause I didn't know how it would be down the road and he was going to have to take me as I was if I decided to help, "me and Naomi stay on how you're doing. I'm trying to take care of things. They…left the house empty but I'm going to watch over it. And the shop, I'm looking over it all. You…you're not…alone is what…I guess I'm trying to say. Maybe you wish you were," I said ignoring the tears again that the nurse wiped from his face, "but…you're not."

His useless hand was against me again, against my fist, and I took his hand in mine. His face scrunched up like he was getting ready to say something, but I heard a curse, sounded like a version of, oh hell. That's all I could make out, and I laughed, and I think something lifted then, and he was glad I was there, maybe. But…it didn't matter so much what he thought I was doing this as much for myself. I had to be what I said I was for my own good or I would go rotten inside. Like him. Like he'd been. And rotten showed up ugly.

"So do what they say and try to get better and I'll be checking," I said.

So Naomi was there, in the background, in the room and she came forward then and said, "Mr. Charlie I am going to pray for you," and she did then and he lay still and I knew we had him on a hot stove his balls to the sun but we weren't trying to hurt him in any way so he'd just have to endure cause one way or another, what I believed, I knew, God had laid him down.

Dear Edward, I wrote next day, and the next and the next. I told him how me and Alice finally got together and I gave her the next two books and she about talked my arm off over those first two and she'd made a notebook with pictures that showed Nancy Drew in different scenes the book depicted, and Nancy was really well drawn but she looked more like Little Orphan Annie than the detective the books showed on the cover, so that was pretty funny. I painted Alice's nails and she said she wanted to come more but Paul wouldn't allow her to be in Naomi's house her being colored and I said well did you ever see a nicer house than this? And she just loved it at Naomi's, all the embroidery and doilies and pink especially. And the crochet, the poodle cover over the toilet paper, she about died over that. So we had the best time but I told her she better not make Paul mad so maybe we needed to meet at the library next time and she said she'd see. She don't get much time off it seems.

Dickens, he lives on the street like you used to. He comes and I bring a blanket on the porch and we have hot chocolate and he eats a whole bag of cookies. He hates school. He wants to go see Sooner and the pups and Riley is going to take us next week. Oh, he sleeps in your bed, but you know that. I love you for that (and all kinds of things).

I got so much to tell you I'm going to have to write a letter like a phone book to tell all of it. I don't want to take our phone time for all this. Let's just make that time for us to talk about us. But there is so much going on. Nothing to worry over, just a lot. Charlie is settled at the VA. He don't cooperate much they say. So they're not going to keep him too long. Well the house sits empty and the other night I went up there…looked through. Dickens went with me. He thought it was the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen, that house. Going in there wasn't easy, but Loreena had tried to clean it some. But when she left, she left some old food. So Dickens helped me gather up some trash they left and we swept. It's like…naked. Just there so bare. My old room, I guess her daughter was in there for that time. It's pretty much the same but she took my posters down and I couldn't find them but that's alright.

Bills. Oh Lord, you wouldn't believe how many. At the house and shop, just a mess. If my life was a head of hair I'd have the biggest beehive on my head, you could build a city of sorrow in it.

But the truth, I ain't been happier. When I looked at all of it without Mama and Charlie anywhere in the picture and just saw it for what it is, an old house and an old shop…I thought, these two places been my life, like two goals on the football field where my parents took their stands and I been thinking and moving between the two, but when Charlie kicked me out, I went to Naomi and just got to be a kid, sort of. It's been the easiest thing. Do you know she puts a vitamin on the table for me every morning? It's like that. And she washes my clothes, won't let me do it cause she is real picky about the whites.

Now here's the thing and I don't know what you would say…but I got a truck now. I mean…I turned sixteen, this kid from Snyder taught me how to drive pretty much, but I didn't have anything to drive to retake (long story) my test in so all of a sudden…I got a truck. Now is that God? I mean sometimes the timing just hits you right between the eyes. And here's why that matters so much—I made a deal with God for you. And I think he's just letting me know he's around. I think he's doing some stuff in such a way I can't deny it to let me know he's got you in the palm of his hand and he is going to bring you home to me. Don't get upset but I got to say this because…I am this. I realized it when the truck came to me. I got faith. Maybe it's not just like Naomi's but it's faith anyway. Maybe it's just a teaspoon of what I should have, or it's full of worms or something, but I've got some. I've kind of been steered that way and I fought it but it's in there just like…well I had a black grandfather. And Jacob, Naomi's son, was/is my uncle. You should know. Remember when you said James feared the black in you calling to the black in me? He was right. But I think other things are calling too, like…my body for sure. My body is calling to yours.

But there's more. After I get my license there is this woman…Annie Jackson who has a shop, a welding shop. I am going to that shop to see Annie. (She told me after school to look her up for maybe a job. She liked my guts with the hitchhiking, and I know you didn't, I know, but she did, she took me all the way home but I already told you that). Anyway, I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz (thinking of Somewhere Over the Rainbow the night you held me…all night…the sweetest thing to sleep in your arms…to feel you around me like a holy robe…you're so beautiful I could die).

But Annie is like my Great Oz, if you remember the story. I know she will be able to tell me what to do about Charlie's mess at the shop. I just know it. Naomi is my mother in so many ways, but she is a woman of heart and soul. Annie has a willy.

So…that's pretty much it. Wish me luck.

Oh…I love you so much my heart squeals inside of me everytime I think of you.

Corny? I don't even care.

Bella

(Oh…you are the butter on my corn!) Ha-ha! (but you are.)


	40. Chapter 40

Finding My Thunder 40

We were traveling home from the VA hospital in Memphis. I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness, like a trapdoor had opened under my feet and I'd barely found my footing. But even now my toes were over the dark and drafty opening and I couldn't see what was down there but it wasn't good.

Whenever this happened, this bottomless feeling, I hummed and rocked a little. Naomi was used to it, but she didn't like it. Sometimes she would try to fix me with her words and pats but she was driving now. I didn't expect her to pull over when we got off the highway. But she did, and she said, "Well let's see this driving I been hearing about."

I couldn't believe it. Knocked me right out of myself, out of my troubles for a minute. I got out and we switched sides. She said I couldn't go over thirty and I put my hands on the wheel and flexed my fingers and wrapped them around and before I knew it I was clipping down the road feeling pretty good. Driving wasn't so hard just straight up like this, and I knew this car was charmed. Any time it had trouble Naomi laid her hands on the hood and prayed and a couple of time she swore it had fixed itself.

I let the truth come to me, the reason for the sadness. It wasn't about Charlie. It was Edward, but more than missing him, it was seeing those boys, his same age, in that hospital home from the war.

If he were hurt like some of them…well I was locked into this deal with God. He had to listen.

I told that to Naomi, why I was troubled. That it wasn't about Charlie, sad as he was.

"That's okay," she said, the oncoming lights slicing over her face.

I knew she was well acquainted with sadness. But it never stopped her, and sometimes I feared it would stop me.

"Being able to feel sadness is a gift. It's part of being compassionate," she said. "Some of our most beautiful art…music…comes from people expressing sorrow."

It was so quiet now and the wheels on the road and the hum of the engine that renewed itself like an eagle growing new wings. And she reached and smoothed my hair behind my shoulder. "Look at you driving this car. Lord…the time…."

"Thing is…I'm going to be getting my license this week…if I pass. And then I'm going to talk to a lady that knows about Charlie's kind of business."

"Who?"

She didn't know about my trip to Memphis to see Edward off. So she didn't know about the hitchhiking, of course, and she didn't know about Annie.

"A lady I know of runs a shop…a welding and machine shop. I'm going to seek her counsel."

And just like I knew she would, she said this from scripture, "There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors…if they speak truth."

I didn't want to say more…but I knew Annie Jackson was a truth teller.

Dear Edward, you wouldn't believe. Guess who got her driver's license! Well, yours truly. And guess what yours truly is now driving? Charlie's truck. Wouldn't he just die? I shouldn't say that cause if you saw him at the VA hospital…you'd think he did already…die.

But first I got to tell you…Riley has been helping me. Me and him been loading the scrap at the shop. If we can load it, we haul it to the junkyard and sell it to Jack. We have made over six hundred dollars, Edward. I have insurance and I paid some bills. And Charlie's truck is running fine and we are cleaning that place up…and out.

That's what Annie Jackson told us to do. She said to sell everything we could before they foreclosed on Charlie. She said to get the basic tools and the welders and fix up a service truck and Riley should take that out and I should bill and make a profit and pay Riley. She said that is how to start and let that shop go straight to hell, let the bank take it, it's a dinosaur on my back. If we can get a service truck going and we prove up, do well, she may throw us some work.

She wants us to buy any and all materials from her and she's going to show us how to sell materials ourselves and we'll make even more money. It costs to get distributorships cause you have to be able to afford a certain amount of inventory and have storage and all, and I can't do that now. But someday…watch out.

I wish you were with me. I've got to get done with school, but truth? School never seemed so boring or pointless. For the first time in my life I can do something and make money. I'm not money hungry, but I've not had any in so long…ever…that to have it and have the hope of more…I can't say…then I go back to school and none of it seems to be important…none of it really matters…even the arguing I was enjoying so much…I can't fix this world, but I might be able to fix my own life some and that seems more urgent than showing up the cheerleaders.

So much to tell you. If you were here I would fill your ears. We saw Charlie in the VA hospital in Memphis. And Naomi stopped everywhere to talk to everyone and I think some might have thought she was looking to find me a husband. Do you know a man will flirt even if he's in severe pain with his limbs missing and his head wrapped or if he has his leg in traction?

Naomi, she would introduce me every time and I was hanging back. It's like she has forgotten what goes on below the waist she's just always thinking of the heart and Jesus and all, but holy cow sometimes I just want to shake that woman and say, "The whole world is not temple!"

Anyway by the time we made it to Charlie I was so glad to have reached the goal-line I just was so glad. But he didn't look good and I know he don't like it there.

We did see Sooner, me and Dickens and I drove! Alice couldn't go. I met your mother and she's so sweet. Sorry. I had to introduce myself so I could see those two. And your mom guards Alice and I guess you know that. She told me Alice is a very fragile person and she thanked me for the books and said they have really been a happy thing. I didn't know Alice had been sick when she was younger.

I did take Dickens and I know he loves Sooner but he was dying to see more naked people but it's getting chilly now. But I had told Riley ahead of time…make sure…no nakeds…no tokers…no anything cause I am bringing Dickens and we're not staying, just saying hey to the dogs.

The dogs are amazing. Sooner was glad to see me, but not big glad (like I will be when I see you when you get out of basic training.)

And you getting to go to the beach and see the ocean? Lucky dog. But those girls asking if you wanted a date? I'm so mad! Prostitutes, really? I've never seen one except the two in Snyder Town but they're just women trying to feed their children, not girls working the base. Maybe if I knew them too I'd see them differently. I would. But I don't want them to make their money from you.

And you never seen so many Playboy Magazines? Well, I'm not all elated or something that you're looking at that but…I want you to tell me, but you just snuck it in there, that you want me and you're sick of pornography…well—okay I guess. But I know you're going to compare me in your mind. Well I don't know what you see in me anyway. Sometimes I feel like I have just insisted my way into your life. Like at the airport I just insisted my way back in. Did I? Don't lie.

That last letter…man you hate the army more than I ever thought. But it's going fast, ain't it? Not fast enough, I know. But just think it's only two years and one over there, then it won't be so bad when you're home. And you'll come home to me. I know it. But…am I insisting again? I guess I am.

I know I didn't write everyday I got so busy in there. I hope we can talk longer than last Sunday but I don't want you to burn up your money so the minute you get on, tell me everything. Maybe if you wrote it down, what you want to say. I don't care what it is I love, love, adore, bow, bow, to your voice, my music.

I'm sending you another picture liked you asked for but it's so…I just don't take good ones. But I know you've got to have something. I have yours about worn out. Don't show anyone mine. I mean, you can, but I feel so…shy or something just thinking about it. I wish I was more for you. More of everything. But I am this and there's not much I can do about it I guess.

I love you Edward Cullen.

Bella

That Sunday when he called I was barely out of my dress. I ran into the living room and picked it up. "Hello?" I said too eager, not all soft and hopefully seductive like I'd planned.

"Hey Bella. What are you doing so out of breath?"

Hearing his voice made me catch a groan. "I'm…I just got home from Temple and I was changing into my clothes."

"Are you naked? Tell me you are."

That was pretty bold right off. Sometimes he did something and I felt a change in him. "I'm pretty bare under my slip," I said then looked wildly around for where Naomi was. She was in her room changing cause she had to go right back out to see Sister Beatrice in the hospital.

"I wish I could hold you in that slip," he said, speaking low, sounding like she meant it, "and rub my hands over that silk. Is it silk?"

"Silky, yes. I'd let you," I said. Then I waited, just breathing.

"You're warm and soft and I still remember how you feel," he said.

My throat wouldn't work, but I did this loud swallow of a sudden and hoped he couldn't hear it.

"I got your last letter telling me about you driving and the hospital and all. You say things about yourself…I get to thinking you don't know how I feel about you. I try to say it but it's like it falls back out of your mind."

"Well…you're not here…."

"I can't be there but…."

"But right before you left we were apart."

"I still wanted you the whole time. People break up because they're done with each other but that's not how it was for us. We barely got going," he said.

We were stuck there a minute.

"You told me to write what I want to say," he said.

"Did you?"

"I wrote a list kind of. Number one…those horny jerks at the hospital…I can't really blame them. I know you've got to go there for Charlie…I'll endure.

"Number two, Riley. He's always let his eyes pop around you and I do blame him. I know you can't stay away from him with the shop stuff…but he's not the little teddy bear you like to think he is. And about going to the commune…I know you want to see Sooner but I don't ever want you to go back there. You didn't mention the other one…Felix. That is not a good place for you to go. Don't go back. Just don't go there. I know you'll want to argue, but…trust me."

"Do you want me to answer now…about going there?" I said.

"That would be alright."

"I don't know. I need to check on Sooner," I said.

"Don't go there. I'm taking up your…life I guess…but I just gotta say don't. I ain't apologizing for saying it. I don't want you to go there. Can you promise?"

I groaned. "That is so…I'll try, I guess."

"Good. Next, I know you're handling all the crap and shit stew Charlie left behind and I want to be there with you and I can't be so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. You're a brave girl.

"You're a driver. You're driving Charlie's truck. Then I hope he's as sick as you say because anything of his you touch, or anything he's stolen from you and he thinks is his and you touch, he'll be pissed off. So I say keep his ass down so I can know you're safe from his revenge. I don't trust him. And…he owes you everything. He's a fucker and him being sick don't change that.

"Last…I want to tell you what it's like here…the porn…the whores. I just mean it's around me but you're who I want. I think of you…you are my flesh and blood girl. My real girl with chocolate inside, deep down dark…more beautiful than some glossy picture that just gives me hope there is more to this life than this stinkin' fuckin' army. Nothing in a picture can compare to what's real. You're real. The realest thing in my life. I trust you. I feel like I can. I'm the one who screwed up…not you. You've always said it's right with us. You've been what's right with us. I don't like these other guys around you. I'm like that. No matter who I see or am around, it's just you for me. I guess, even if I know it, I want to hear you say that back."

"You know it's just you. There's been no one else. Not ever for me, Edward."

"I just need to hear it. I'm like…I need to hear it from you being so far, and I'll tell you. I'll say it. Just you…or…what have we got? Just you. We save ourselves for each other. I sound like a girl. But if we can't sacrifice for each other…then we got nothing."

"Yes," I said.

He went on to say, "When I saw you at the airport it's like…I don't know if I can say it…like I walked an aisle and you were waiting. I know it's supposed to be the other way around, but for some reason…I had to walk to you cause…you've been there…you're not knocked off track…. And just that quick it's like…I chose you. I mean…I chose you, Bella. It was…heavy…it meant something." He seemed to get choked there.

The arguing was starting, his hand over the receiver while he spoke rapidly. I knew time was short.

When he was back I said, "When you speak I want it in writing so I can read it again and again. When you write, I want to hear you say it. I…I guess I just can't get enough. I never can," I said and I was crying.

"You didn't write enough this week," he said.

"I got busy."

"Don't…push me off."

"I won't," I said.

"Write more. Tell me…."

"I love you. I cried on the way home from the VA because I can't bear to think of you hurt. I kiss your picture but I've had to stop because I'm ruining it."

"Don't use tongue," he tried to joke. "No…use tongue. I'll get you another picture."

"I do count the days on a calendar until you might be home. I feel you in my brain all the time, in my skin even, and there's really not a whole hour where I don't wonder what you're doing, how you feel."

"Why?" he said. "Tell me why."

Naomi never did come out of her room, but I had to keep my voice low but I spoke desperate, "Because I love you so much."

"Do you think of how it will be…when we see each other again?"

"All the time, don't you?"

He laughed some, "I want to feel you under my hands, you know? I want the real you."

"Me too. I want you."

"Why?"

"Because I love you. I don't want to be with anyone but you. No one ever…ever even comes close for me. It's you."

We sat in those words for a few seconds. It wasn't a waste of time because it was so powerful.

"Your heart beats so hard when I touch you," he said.

It was hammering now.

They were yelling at him and he said he had to get off. "Think about what we said and write me," he said.

"I love you," I said.

I heard scuffling and then the line was dead.


	41. Chapter 41

Thank you. I'm traveling, but never far from this story.

Finding My Thunder 41

Edward was coming home the day after Christmas. He would leave for Vietnam the same week James got out of the boy's farm. Christmas at Temple was a busy affair. Ever since Thanksgiving we'd been collecting things, prizes and baking and cooking and sewing for the children and older folks and moms raising children by themselves and the soldiers and jailbirds, just everyone.

We served Christmas dinner at the Temple and Naomi spoke to us after, the big white bird and the black fist rising up on the wall behind her. We pretty much loved or hated that fist but no one felt strongly enough one way or the other. And it did bring Eric back when he visited Lavinia on holidays.

Debra seemed relieved because Tad was due home from the army the end of January. But me, I was popping out of my skin thinking I'd pick Edward up from the airport next day. While Naomi spoke I rubbed my fingers against each other. These very fingers would touch him in less than twenty-four hours. He would be here. He was coming home.

Endless letters and phone calls on Sunday. We had two weeks now before they shipped him out. Two weeks to try and get it close as we could to right. No more of this maybe, we should, we shouldn't. No more bullshit.

I was in the pew my ankles crossed and pulled back and my legs scissoring. I had set up my room. I wasn't on the pill like I'd planned but I nearly was, not that it counted. I'd made it to Planned Parenthood, but it was up a long flight of stairs in Memphis and I went up them halfway and people were up there laughing in an office, I guess, I couldn't see, but I stopped on those stairs and I was so afraid to go up there, and maybe ashamed, I don't know, I had a lot to overcome to be a woman of my time. So we were going to have to think of something else and anyway I couldn't imagine I'd get pregnant. I knew I could but I couldn't imagine it and usually what I couldn't imagine couldn't happen at all.

When Temple was over I got home and he didn't call me cause he was busy traveling, so I changed into my jeans and went to the big house. Naomi wouldn't be home for a long time. She had so many people to see and I had been so good and helpful I was free. So I ran to the house, some albums in my arms and I went into the clean kitchen and through the downstairs to run up the steps and I breathed that Pine Sol and went in to my old room. I'd been staying here some and Naomi didn't like it so much, worried about me, but I knew if I let her see me happy she wouldn't stop me. So I did let the happy out but it was mostly over thinking how Edward and me would be together. But my old room, it was in readiness, bed fresh and sweet, music piled and waiting, rug and pillows on the floor, candles waiting for fire and flame, new poster painted in neon colors. I laid there, music playing, and I thought of him moving toward me, coming my way after all these long four months, eager to be home with me, he said he was, and my arms aching to receive him.

Longest day of my life the day after Christmas. I was an hour early at the airport. I'd nearly had a wreck in Charlie's truck. There were still things I didn't know or understand about roads and Memphis was so busy, but I finally got there and parked and walked forever until I found the area where he'd be, and I rounded a corner and there was a game room and a soldier standing at a pinball machine and playing it, he had broad shoulders and he was tall and he wore a wide hat like a cop's hat, and I walked up behind and my body knew it was him before my mind ever caught up and he had a big green duffle bag on the floor by his feet and he had just cursed at that machine and his game was over. He turned around then like he felt me close maybe and I stood there and I didn't look like much, but I wore a skirt and a sweater and a white peasant blouse and the slip he wanted to feel under it and my hair was so long folks talked to me about it sometimes, asked me about it, other girls and guys touched it while I sat in my desk but I pulled it away.

But now, he took it all in, not dramatic, just serious and happy at the same time, but quiet. He didn't reach for me, nor me for him.

"Hey," I said, and he seemed to come to himself after looking me over and he bent for that big bag and hoisted it up and we just started walking, then we got closer and he put his arm around my waist and pulled me in but almost as soon we broke apart. It was too much and I was so excited, this feeling between us I almost couldn't think where I'd parked the truck.

Handsome? Oh my God he was the most handsome thing I'd ever seen. A man for sure. I had a man. Edward. He was clean shaven and bright eyed and his face seemed harder and his neck even so strong, and that big bag riding his shoulder like it was nothing. And his hands. He was so tall. Was I shrinking? No wonder I was so crazy in love.

We said some dumb stuff, small talk people make. When we got to the truck he threw his bag in and we parted and got in each side. He seemed ready for something, his legs spread wide. His hat off and his hair buzzed but beautiful. "You gonna kiss me?" he said just those eyes on me making me crazy.

"You want to drive?" I said.

"You can," he said, then he pulled me over and his lips were on me and it was bold and he was in control. I was at his command cause I whimpered I was so pathetic and my hands were on his face and we were looking at each other now. I really didn't know if I could drive.

He stared at my mouth just so boldly, "Kiss me," he whispered, and I did slowly let my lips touch his, and his tongue moved over my lips, then he pulled me to him and we kissed hard and his tongue was in my mouth and I thought I would die with this powerful lust that hit me like the holy ghost and made me moan. I just went crazy then, my feet on the seat and me falling onto him as I kissed him and knew him that way. I didn't want him to know how desperate I was, how lonely for him, a madwoman for him.

He was laughing some and kissing me back but the laughing, even while he panted and put my hand on his thing that was big in there and hard and he lifted his hips off the seat but it wasn't organized and I could barely note what was going on I was just feeling inside and out.

I ended on his lap, my legs over his, skirt hiked on pale flesh that drew his hands and led him all the way to squeezing my bottom and settling me against him. Naomi flew through my mind and I pushed that thought out. She wasn't here. She didn't know. It was just him and I was melting on to him and my arms were around him and I was never going to let him go. We were kissing with everything we had…I was…and surely he was cause this old truck squeaked and moved like it was coming to life.

This is how it went, I knew now. His breath up close, his arm around me, his hand on the back of my neck holding me to him, me tasting him, his mouth, his skin, invading him, letting him invade me, mixing everything, wanting everything while I smelled him, the places he'd been, who he was, it was new and a little familiar, and completely strange and so exciting.

This was private bedroom type kissing and moving and I was in a garage and I could hear car doors off in the distance closing and cars passing now and then, people calling to each other, but nothing close, just Edward Cullen so close I was trying to crawl into him and he was trying to get into me and he was succeeding. I felt shocked when his hand was on my private place and I was letting myself go and crazy and moaning and rubbing myself on him, his hand and his willy like that time in my room only worse. I knew the truck was moving and I was like Sooner for all the control. And he was slowing me down and saying my name, the "B" sound so beautiful the way he said it, and I pulled back panting and looking in his face. He was stroking over my hair. "You're so…you're fucking beautiful," he said and he was breathless like me.

I started to come to myself and I climbed off him and he let me. We were looking at each other and his uniform was rumpled. "I'll drive," he said and I nodded and straightened my skirt and stayed in the middle of the seat and he came around and when he got in, his uniform shirt was off and even though it was winter and chilly he threw that shirt behind the seat and in that white t-shirt with the v-neck he got in and started it up and I had one arm behind him and the other across his stomach and I held him and he looked at me as he drove through that garage.

"Miss me?" he asked and he had to laugh some and he was even cuter, cute in the beauty, when he laughed, and I didn't even answer I was just looking at him.

Once we got out of there, out of that garage and on the highway he worked his arm around me and I kissed on his jaw and rubbed on the front of his pants until he'd make me stop because he could barely drive and he said I was killing him, and so I'd leave off rubbing but I'd never take my arms away from him.

We drove straight to my house, and I was in a haze the whole time and I had him park in front, I didn't care and when we got out he picked me up and I whooped and he carried me up the stairs and in and I slammed the door and I told him to go up and he carried me all the way up and in to my room and he kicked the door closed and we fell on the bed and he kissed me for such a long time, then he pulled back and tore at his shirt and he undid that buckle on his pants and that hair line going into his pants he opened his clothes and I saw it, where it went and he was bare and glorious and I wanted him, I wanted him. He got his boots off and everything off. Then he knelt over me and worked on my blouse and got it off with my help, and I unbuttoned my skirt and I was in the slip, laying on my back and he did run his hands all over it, over me. My legs opened up, so hospitable, come on in, and he looked at me, then looked there and he stood and pulled my underwear off me and he looked there as he knelt back on the bed, one knee between mine and he gently but firmly parted my legs enough he could see me. "You're so…." It just died cause whatever I was to him, the silence was what said it and it was something he didn't have yet, those words, but he had me and I was so willing, and I opened more for him and it felt so free to give myself to let someone know me like this and his thing was so ready and he lined it up and we got to kissing and squirming around and he pushed in and I yelped because it hurt so much, but it was like I was dying for him, right there in the act, letting him in when he knew it hurt and he was conflicted, wanting in, not wanting to hurt me, and I had to keep telling him it was okay, try again, oh no, get out, go in, slower, it's okay, don't stop, no stop, no….

He laughed a little, don't worry I won't stop, he said, unless you need me to. But he choked out those words and he was so confident I kept going. When he was in me it was relief and misery. He tried to move a little but that hurt so he was slow, then the movement helped and didn't, and all of a sudden he was grunting and sweat was on his forehead and he shuddered and his face had this expression of receiving…like a commission…I don't know how to describe it, but he pulled out and I felt the liquid follow and my blood was on him, and it was sacred blood, just for him, I gave him all I had, me, such as I am.

And he gathered me to him. "I," and he broke and swallowed. "Thank you. I'll take care of you, too."

"It's okay," I whispered, his salty skin all over me, wrapping me in itself.


	42. Chapter 42

Finding My Thunder 42

Edward rose in the morning to go home. He started to gather up his greens, making a big deal out of getting it right because Dickens would care so much, he said.

While he did that he sang me some of their marching songs, words so nasty I couldn't believe it, but they were funny too. It was the best music my room had ever experienced.

Well he kept forgetting to get dressed and revisiting me in the bed where we kept kissing and hugging and rubbing and making noise.

"Do you want me to drive you?" I said.

No he didn't. He did not want to explain to his mother that he'd been lying up with me. He figured his mother knew, even though he'd smoothed it all out with lies, saying his flight got in this morning and a buddy was dropping him off in Ludicrous.

But she would never condone what he was doing, he said. She wouldn't comment if he didn't rub it in her face. It wasn't me, it was the whole thing of him compromising a woman he wasn't married too, but claimed to love. That's just the way it was for his Catholic self.

Secretly, she would be glad he had me, he said. Unlike Paul, his mother knew he'd felt alone.

His clothes abandoned once again we lay in the gray light and he'd held me and told how his mother had written him in the first weeks he'd been gone. She mentioned she'd met me and found me to be a beautiful girl with a compassionate heart.

That was what she'd said. Beautiful and compassionate. Naomi would remind me of Abigail in Scripture if she could hear this. Abigail was one of three people in the whole of the bible noted for her intelligence. The other two were men, but Abigail was the only woman given credit for having something beyond good looks. Good looks were top soil, Naomi liked to say, but underneath, Abigail had rich earth. Things could take root.

Edward's mother had seen more in me than some top soil then. Compassion was the underneath. I had not thought of myself that way. I wondered if it was true or she'd just given me too much credit.

So before he left my bed again, Edward told me he'd thought about it all those months away and he would marry me. I saw no other future either. I had never been a girl given to those kinds of fantasies…wedding, bride and all. I did not have a Barbie Doll or ever feel the need for the endless acting out of those things.

When I saw myself down the road I was Nina Simone, standing before crowds and telling them the truth. There was greatness in me, I knew it, but only in terms of a small life. That was the great thing…a life where there was love. That would be my great work.

In real I was cotton and denim, not sequined dresses. Not microphones please. But kindness in my hand, a poem under my pen, safety in my space and joy breaking open like fragrant good bread. Feeling and thinking and listening…those things were my ambitions.

Then sharing everything with Edward…with my world because nothing mattered if you held it, but it grew if you had the guts to let it out.

"I would marry you," he said again.

"If I was pregnant?" I tried to understand.

He laughed a little. "If you would let me," he corrected.

"I don't really believe in marriage," I said.

Well, I did, it stood there like a giant, refusing to budge, but I was scared of it was more to the truth. "Doesn't marriage scare you?" I said.

"No," he answered right away. And I knew why. Right off I knew. He was facing war. Marriage was nothing. Actually he'd pondered it for hours and it seemed like a good thing, something he could count on. He wanted something he could count on. I saw it more then, him, this time together, what it meant. He was looking to join us, be close in every way.

Lord he swung out the whole path of the pendulum. He broke with me and then went the whole other way. Now he was talking marriage. This was him inside. It was like seeing him naked twice, in the flesh if I wanted to look under the sheet, but inside too.

But here's the thing, I couldn't have given myself if I felt anything less than full on to the grave love. Marriage was the usual destination for this kind of singing in the rain. "I don't love you any less if I say we should wait," I said.

"Why? Why wait?"

I got up on my elbow and looked at him good. "Cause…marriage…they say you don't need it anymore."

"I don't believe that," he said angry, even though he was touching my hair like a butterfly.

"Why do we need it? It doesn't keep people loving each other."

"That's because it's just a thing…like a contract."

"So we don't need it," I said.

"You been raised in church all your life. You're supposed to be telling me why we need it."

"You're the one brought it up," I said.

"Well, it's the deepest thing," he said. "It means you're saying, 'for life.' It takes some guts. You got to put your ass on the line and figure stuff out. Maybe you want someone else?"

"Do I?" I said knowing my one eyebrow was up. I couldn't pull it down for nothing.

"You know what I mean."

"What if you don't always feel this way?" I said.

"I will. Will you?"

"I told you it's always just you. But marriage…."

"Just forget it. You're just a junior."

"I don't care about that," but I did. Girls got married out of highschool, but during school was a little quick. But I'd always been offsides in my life. There were no time tables where I lived. "You were promised to Tanya," I said.

I felt his arm stiffen some, felt the ease tighten up. "Don't always bring her up."

"I mean…is this what you think you have to do or something?"

"I'm only going to tell you this stupid story one more time. About three of them got those kinds of rings about the same time. Then that's all I heard. It was a promise ring, a promise that we were serious and on that road. I can't say it in a way that's not going to get me in trouble, but I kept waiting to like her. She was like a room. You could go in there and you were in that thing. It was like the Jetsons, you get on that moving belt and it moves you. That ring was totally her idea. I thought it was harmless and it would make her happy and get her off me so I could think of how to get out of it. I knew I was going to get out of it. It was…a way to hide almost. Tanya filled the bill pretty much, I always had a date, she kept the others away. So many people got connected to it, it got to be complicated so I didn't fight it I just played sports and made sure it ran smooth at home for Mom and that bunch of monkeys and it pretty much did."

"You were passive," I said.

"Not really. Passive is like…effort. I didn't care. But my sympathy for her only goes so far. Every time she let my indifference be enough I lost respect a little more and I knew a little more. Yeah, that ring was all guilt. She could never ever be someone I wanted a life with. I was never looking for that with her."

"Okay…no more about it," I said, still not understanding. He liked to go to extremes. I was the other extreme from her. That worried me some, but I did have a suspicious nature.

"I don't want a promise ring," I said.

That's when he remembered my birthday present and got up in his birthday suit to wrestle through his bag and find it. He told me, "Don't look." Then he laughed and he said, "You can stare at my ass, just don't look at what I'm doing."

"Thanks, I'll just keep my eyes closed," I said, staring at his perfect ass.

I heard the rattle of something ceramic. When he stood straight and turned he held a china box he'd obviously had buried in the center of his bag. He carried this to me in all his natural tan beauty, his black hair, his long arms and hands and legs, his willy just right there. I called him a hunk in my mind. That's what girls said about boys who were beautiful-hunks. He was that, and more.

I sat up like Lady Godiva, the sheet around my waist. I took that pretty box so carefully, a pink rose on it.

"Look inside," he said.

I set it on my lap, him standing beside the bed. I lifted the lid and inside was a bed of cotton and on it lay two silver earrings with dark gray pearls on the ends. They were so pretty. I looked at him. "Thank you," I said, so damn glad it was not a promise ring.

He knelt next to the bed and took my hand. I could not look away from the expression as naked as the rest of him. He was not going to let this rest.

"I love you. And I want to marry you. Will you…marry me, Bella?"

"Eventually," I said sounding so stupid. Then, "Do you…really? Why?"

"It's what you do when you feel like this and when you have intercourse and want to keep on having it with someone like…forever. And maybe make a baby…or a bunch of monkies," he laughed. "So, why wait? I mean…I do want you to be a normal girl…but…me and you…."

"In ancient times," I said because it sounded less like Naomi, "an earring meant ownership."

"Yeah?" he said liking this too much.

"So…you own my heart," I said taking out the gold hoops I'd been wearing and putting the black pearls on silver chains into the self-inflicted holes in my ears. I turned my head side to side so he could look at each with a certain gravity.

I watched him up close, until my hands went to his face and he stopped looking at the earrings and stared at me. I had a revelation, another look inside of him. Edward wanted a future. I was his future. He wanted to think of it when he left…that it waited for him, that the war was just a break in it, not an end in itself.

"I'll wait for you," I said. "I always have…I always will. I'll marry you when you get back…but for me? It's already settled."

He grasped my hand in both of his and kissed my knuckles. His head was bowed and his eyes were closed. We'd just exchanged vows and we both knew it.


	43. Chapter 43

Finding My Thunder 43

It felt different between Edward and me, like something had opened up, gotten settled. As that first morning progressed…or didn't due to us unable to part long enough to dress and move forward…it became more and more clear that we would be pretty well joined at the hip until he left.

We were in the shower together, him kissing me, me wrapped around him like a life vest, and laughing and squealing and both of us soapy from pouring a whole bottle of Johnson's Baby Shampoo over one another, when a knock on the bathroom door sounded and brought our glee to a slam on the brakes stillness.

He looked at me, soap bubbles on his head and meeting in a point under his chin, and I can't imagine what I looked like. My legs slid down his soapy hips really quick and the water was the only thing keeping me from fainting.

"I will be downstairs," Naomi said through the door.

"Alright," I called, my hands gripping his brawny arms.

"Shit," he whispered.

I couldn't find the word so I rinsed off quick and ignored his beautiful naked self as best I could with his hands still on me, holding me from behind around the ribs. "I'll talk to her," was one of the things he was saying, mostly to himself it seemed.

With most of the soap off I stumbled out of the tub, no longer this big wanton free loving hippie whore but just a kid who didn't know squat-shit about anything, but I knew now why I couldn't even conceive of marrying Edward at sixteen. If I were to sneak off and do that she would lay on the ground and foam at the mouth. She did not know much about going off to college, but she revered it. And not finishing high school? Might as well as not accept Jesus while you were at it. She believed in me. There were certain things she did not bend on. She was working hard to be like a parent. And now she knew what she was up against and I hated disappointing her. So I wasn't so grown-up after all cause I wanted to run fast and far rather than facing her wounded face. I had brought her pain and nothing was worth that. But Edward.

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways," she would tell me, and as I peeked in the hall to make sure she wasn't out there waiting, the stone tablets in her hands ready to whack me across the head, I ran my unstable wrapped only in a towel self across the hall into my room. I was looking frantically for some clothes.

Edward was behind me. "We'll face her," he said, hoping to calm me, I guess, but he couldn't. Nothing could. This was between her and me. I couldn't hide behind him much as I wanted to.

I didn't say anything, but hurried to dress as modestly as possible, Mama's long skirt, and a blouse buttoned to my neck. Feet in boots. A sweater.

He grabbed me before I made it out the door. "Hey," he said, also nearly dressed finally, the greens not so neat, him not so calm and both of us reeking of shampoo.

"Go on home," I said. "I'll see you later."

"I want to go with you. She warned me about this. I need to speak to her."

"Not now. I have to first," I said.

He looked at me for a minute. "Give me a kiss," he said softly.

I did kiss him then, and he put his arms around me. "It will be alright," he said. "Tell her it's real. Tell her we want to get married."

I pulled back. "You have no idea," I said. Then I broke away from him and went downstairs. But she wasn't there. The back door was open.

I walked outside. She stood at the Canna garden despite the cold. She was looking down at the earth there, and I felt a rush of love for her so strong. I walked beside her and tried not to let myself morph into a ten year old girl.

I heard her release a breath, but she did not speak. I looked where she did…top soil. She saw deeper in me. I didn't want to lose that.

"You have decided some things," she said finally.

I didn't know what she wanted so I stayed quiet, but my eyes were on her.

She clasped her hands behind her back. It was my turn.

"I'm…sorry you found out that way. But…I couldn't exactly…I love him."

She looked at me. Oh, it wasn't easy, but I held that look.

"Yes…I knew you loved him," she said. "And you have given him yourself."

"It means something…to us."

"Yes," she said, pulling her gaze from me and staring at the ground again. "It is meaningful. Now you are an adult in your own eyes, doing adult things. What else do you need to tell me?"

"Nothing…." But that wasn't true. "Just the things with the business. But I've told you some." My poor grades at school were an issue, but she didn't need to know. I'd work really hard to pull them up, but I'd been writing Edward and loading scrap and cleaning the house and doing all my good works to keep up the deal with God. "Well…we've talked getting married," this did make her eyes snap back to me, her whole body straighten.

"Are you pregnant?"

"No ma'am." But I didn't know, but surely not. It was just a couple of times and…unimaginable was like a shield.

"Are you sure? Because then your life will change. By leaps."

"He wanted to come with me…but I said no…I'd talk to you first. We just…just this once is all." Twice actually, my inner preacher said, and I said in my brain, 'shut-up!'

"He gave you jewelry," she said noting the earrings. But I wasn't sure, the way she said it. I felt like a prostitute.

"He loves me. I love him," I said fiercely.

"Yes," she said, nodding sadly, staring again at that ground.

"I know you think you understand…but…I can't hold back with him. I told God…all along. You say to be honest…I have been…with God. I made a deal with him for Edward. I'm trying."

"A deal?" she said. "What kind of deal?"

"I'm…I'm trying to do right…except…I couldn't wait. What if…what if something happens? But that's what the deal is. I'll be good and He'll let Edward make it home."

She smiled but it was so sad. "Bella," she whispered. "Come here," and she put her arms around me. Her hands stroked over my back, over my long wet hair that still had soap slicked into it, and my wet sweater.

"You still…you glad I'm your granddaughter?" There was the ten year old.

"Of course," she pulled me back and looked in my face. "Nothing changes that. But that don't make this right. You're not ready for this. There is nothing in place. You're too young for all the emotions…you've got school to finish and so much responsibility already and now the concern of this young man overseas. You don't know the future."

"I have decided it's Edward."

"You don't know the future. If you make a child…you're assuming he'll be here. Are you ready to raise a child? I'm not," she said. "Not a baby."

And here's what I knew. This broken down garden represented Jacob maybe more than his actual grave. Somehow, what she'd caught me doing had brought her to him.

They were still converging in me, all of them. But I loved Edward. I loved him and love always protected, always trusted, always hoped, always persevered. I would not turn back no matter where this love brought me. I had put childish things behind me.


	44. Chapter 44

Finding My Thunder 44

The two weeks of Edward's visit home were school-time for me. Naomi catching us in the shower meant she wanted to take charge of what I planned to do about my education…my public education, not the one Edward and I had been schooling each other in with the shampoo and exploration of body parts when she'd interrupted.

She wanted to set and enforce rules. Problem was, she was too busy to be around to check on me, and…I was not above lying…not at all when it came to being with Edward.

"You will not miss school," she said.

She was right, I wouldn't miss it a bit. How could I when the minute I took off in Charlie's truck, books stacked on the seat, Edward Cullen was waiting in front of his house smoking a cigarette and looking as handsome as a man on earth could ever be allowed to look in jeans and a t-shirt and a beat up denim jacket.

Naomi said sin had changed our appearances and that when we got in heaven we would finally look the way we were supposed to since getting ushered out of the Garden of Eden.

Well, Edward was not touched by sin in the regular way apparently. He was the one human, it seemed, still allowed that purity in face and form that we were all intended to have when we ran around naked and perfect.

But Naomi catching us in the shower had changed things. She had pulled us both back to earth. The result? Edward bought condoms.

And after I had spoken to her at the garden and he'd had time to go home and say, "hi to the monkies," as he put it, he came back, still in the uniform, and sat at Naomi's table and told her his good intentions.

She said, "I told you at the beginning what Bella means."

"Yes Ma'am," he said. "It's like that for me, too. Bella is special to me…she's everything."

"Your feelings could be heightened by going to war. That's why it's good to let things settle. She is so young to be…everything."

He took in a big breath. "Yes Ma'am. But this is before going to war. This is real."

I sat there too, but I was biting my lip because he'd asked me to let him have his say.

"Marriage is God's provision for the kind of relations you two have engaged in," she said.

"Yes Ma'am and I have asked Bella to marry me. I would marry her today if she would agree."

"That would be more about you than about Bella, in my opinion. And true love is much broader…it focuses on the other. If you look at Bella…does she need a child now? Does she need a husband at sixteen?"

"Wow," I whispered, but Edward put a cautionary hand on my knee.

"She doesn't need me at all," he said. "She's too good for me. I have disappointed her…growing up…and then breaking up with her before I left. Now going to war…she don't agree. So far, she's been right about the things between her and me. I'm not as smart as her. I'm not as…strong in the same ways. She's always gone her own way…known herself. If I really look at her I think I should leave her alone. But then…when I did that…I hurt her. Me…I'm nothing but better with Bella. But I've never deserved someone like her."

His hand was on my knee and my hand went over his.

"And there's more. My brother…you should know…James. When she was younger…I should of let her tell it. He's been in the boy's farm. And next week he comes home. I have thought…," and he looks at me and there is a new thing in his eyes, "well I went to see him while he was in there and I've talked since. I told him if he so much as looks at her while I'm gone, I'll kill him. And I will. The army taught me how to kill and I'm going to Vietnam and let's face it…I will kill or be killed. And I know from…from standing up to Paul mostly, but from sports and Charlie even…I'll do my job. They said that about me in the army, they said, this one will make a hell of a soldier, excuse me Ma'am, but they said that. And I've told James if he touches her…worries her in any way…I'll kill him."

Naomi and I sat there, jaws dropped. Well mine was, but Naomi heard it all for a living so she just stared. And Edward, he looked back at her clear as a bell with no apology in that look.

I thought of the oil on the stairs again. He had broken up with me. He was a protector. Too much. He didn't mess around. He sacrificed to protect. Did I realize? Did I know him?

I thought of how many people he'd held on the circle of his protection. His mother. His siblings. James. Now me. His country. He put us on there and spread us out and figured us out. Could he do that to Charlie? Would he? I hadn't known of him hurting anybody…just protecting. He figured out ways…like with Paul…Tanya…and he took it on himself to make it work. But would he hurt someone? He just said he would. He sat here and clearly said he'd kill James.

Naomi smoothed over the table with her hand. "You are alive in a very historic time, young man," she said. "Dr. King has been leading us in the struggle for Civil Rights. There is cause…there is always a case for violence if there is true oppression. But the message of a non-violent response has been his consistent message. To become like the oppressor…or worse than him…is a dangerous thing…a dangerous decision. You risk becoming a despot yourself. An oppressor yourself." She was just as clear as she looked back at him.

He studied her. "Yes Ma'am," he said. "But if I have to be a…what you said…because someone I love is threatened and there ain't no stopping someone…like with James…I ain't saying it's easy. But necessary. It's up to them…or him what I become."

"Then you become a victim of their oppression in your own mind," she said.

"Not if you don't take it," he said.

"Our choices shape us. There are rules and laws that govern us."

"It's more power than anything. Who's got the bigger club and the guts to use it," he said.

"What does that solve?" she said. "It perpetuates violence."

"There's a time for it. Don't the bible say that? I know The Byrds do," and he laughed.

"Well, violence is a last resort, a tragic resort," she said. "Should we notify Officer Bixby of this young man coming home?"

"He has to report to Bixby. When he gets home I plan to see how he is. I'll be here and maybe his time away…I don't know. But once I'm gone, if something happens or is suspicious," he answered, "Bixby will be the one.

"I'm not expecting him to give her any trouble. James and me have an understanding. I'll be checking on him. He says he would never touch Bella. But…I don't take anything with Bella for granted," he said, and right there in front of Naomi he lifted my hand and kissed my knuckles, eyes on me and I stared at him and wondered some who he really was.

And as soon as we got off to ourselves I asked him. "You…didn't take some action on Charlie for my benefit, did you?"

"Like what?"

"Well…that day…you picked up that pipe."

He nodded. "Yeah?"

"Would you have….?"

He nodded again.

"I'm just going to ask you straight out. When Charlie fell…they think he had a stroke…but before or after he fell they don't know."

"Bella," he said, "I was no where near Charlie when he fell so if you think I snuck home from basic and pushed him…I didn't." He was smiling.

And I left it there.

"But that about James…what…is he going to come after me?"

"No. Not if he wants to live…and he wants to live, believe me."

"Is he mad…about me?"

"He's mad. About everything in the world. He blames everybody. He's just a twisted kid. He…he has to get his ass kicked out there and me being gone…he'll have to make it by himself. I can't…do it for him. My real worry is at home. Mom can't handle him and Paul…Paul's afraid of him. They're the worst combination…two peas…. Then the younger ones…." He sighed and looked down. "I don't want to think about him. You'll be alright. You have to let me know. Anything…let me know."

"What can you do? You'll be in Vietnam?"

"I can help you. Anything upsets you go to Bixby. And this time…call my mom. I'm not going to cover for him in anyway. If he messes up they could end up giving him a choice between jail time or the army."

On his second day home we got a hotel room in Corning. We planned to spend the day there, like a whore monger and his whore.

He went in and got the room and I waited in the truck. When he was done he came out rattling the key to room thirteen. We laughed about that. I drove down the line to the right chipped green door and parked.

"Anyone sees this truck they'll think it's Charlie and Loreena," I said. Well I felt a little mean saying that with Charlie so laid up, but it was probably close to true.

We were laughing cause I had him hurry up and unlock the door in case anyone came by. Really I was all nerves cause we got this room for one reason, so we could peel off and do it. But I was behind him as he fumbled with the key, and I pressed against him, my big bag on my shoulder, clothes and things stuffed in there. I should be in typing class about now, but no way, no way ever. My cheek was pressed up against his back. "Hurry, hurry, hurry," I whispered.

We practically fell in that door and slammed it behind us and he went straight to the bed, gripping my hand and I dropped my bag along the way and fell on top of him and we kissed and I loved him, oh my Lord I could feel it in the way our hearts hammered into each other's, hear it in our moans and groans, his thready way of saying, Bella, my gasping response, Edward.

Then he broke away, "Get up, get up, get everything off. I want to see you…I want to see," he said suddenly desperate ripping at his own clothes.

We struggled with our clothes, ripping, until I got to my underthings, then he slowed down, got to his underwear and stood there, eyes on me and it took some guts to keep going because a self-consciousness flared up and started to yell in my head and I had to block it, yes my breasts were small and I was skinny and I had pubic hair and nipples and all, but he looked pretty happy about it. I was glad my hair was long, but he liked it all the more, and there must be some inspiration because his thing…well he took the last scrap off and there it was all ready for duty, like a giant snake and me turned to stone just staring. And backdropped by an explosion of ugly wood paneling and avocado, he was still the most stunning thing to walk this earth.

"Come here," he said, his hand extended, him the other side of the bed so I had to get on it and walk to him on my knees. He took my hand right away, just looking at me like I was Christmas.

"I want to tell you something you need to remember the whole time I'm gone," he said his eyes more green than anything this room could urp-up.

"Alright," I said.

"I love you. When I look at you, I just…," he swallowed here, "I could do anything. You make me feel…like a man. I just feel like a man around you."

I tried to hold his gaze but it took some strength and my eyes dropped to his penis and it was hard and ready still. He was definitely a man, but I knew he didn't want jokes right now, so I looked back at him. "You are that," I said, "a man."

"You think so?" He smiled.

"Well…yes." I smiled. I didn't know what he wanted exactly…except the obvious. But me…I wanted everything.

"Come here," he said again and he enfolded me in his arms and I reciprocated by holding him around the neck. He put his forehead on mine. "I love you. Nothing separates me from that…not an ocean…not a continent. Nothing changes that. Not anything I go through is going to change that."

Emotion pummeled me of a sudden. "What if you go through terrible things?"

"It won't change it. I will still love you."

"What if…so much could happen," I dared to say.

"It won't change me loving you. Nothing will change it."

"What if we don't see each other…longer than one year. What if…."

"What if's don't change it. Wherever I would go, this love will go. You understand?"

"Yes."

"Tell me something." It's like he was packing a mental suitcase.

"I'll think about you all the time. And when I'm thinking…I'm praying. God is over us both. I'm asking him all the time…keep Edward safe. Bring him home. I'll be at school but I'll be thinking of you. In bed at night. In Temple. When I'm driving…."

"Everytime I got a minute…me too…carrying you right here," his hand came up between us, his knuckles nudging my breast as he touched his heart, then his hand over mine.

"Lay back," he said. "I want to look at you."

I laid back and he went to the window and pulled the heavy green drapes over the sheer white ones. Then he turned on the lamp beside the bed and came around to the side I laid on. He stood over me and his hand ghosted over me and he moved some of my hair aside, and he looked at me, and he touched me so gentle as he looked, not just at my breasts, but all of me. He touched my face with the backs of his fingers, and ran one single pointer over my brow, then over my lips and I kissed that finger. He traced down my neck and I lifted my chin, and he gently moved long strands of my hair aside, settling them along the pillow.

He drew the curve of one shoulder then the other. Then a single line over my breast to my nipple, then the backs of his fingers again against that, and such sensation in me my eyes slid closed for a moment. Then he slowly lowered to his knees, like he just gave in. He buried his face against my stomach, then I felt the warmth of his mouth on my skin and the tease of his barely there hair and I lifted a little in response. And his hand moved down the length of my arm and he brought my hand to the back of his head, and he kissed me all over my stomach and buried his face over my private place and my head lifted and I gasped, and I pressed harder on his head and he parted my legs or they parted on their own, but he was there and he was looking and praising and invading with his soft wet lips and the slight prick of his whiskers and I didn't even know if I should feel sorry for him or what, but it was making me crazy and I couldn't keep my head up and it fell back on the pillow and all of a sudden I burst into a million bits and flew all over the room, then splatted back into myself and by then he was moving over my thighs and modesty was gone, blasted, and my legs were flopped anywhere he wanted them and he wanted them wide and he was kissing and stroking me and kneeling in the vee of me and looking so happy and proud of himself. It made me laugh but no sound came out…just love. Just love.

We tried to do things, have dates, but we could only stand others around for so long, then we'd hurry off to be alone. The good thing about Naomi? She couldn't hover. Much as I know she wanted to, she had too many other people needing her attention.

Before we knew it week one of our own personal love-in was over.

Then James came home.


	45. Chapter 45

Finding My Thunder 45

He insisted on picking James up by himself. James was not allowed to just leave the farm but had to be released into the hands of a capable adult. Edward's mother had spoken with the farm and Edward was the capable adult. Being in the military helped. I wanted to go with him. I would see James at school. I didn't want to live in fear of him, and I didn't want to be in a car with him either, but to be with Edward I'd do it.

But he wouldn't let me. So I went to school. I hadn't been a student for a week. I tried to care but I was lost in Algebra, I was lost in French. What did any of it have to do with my life? What did any of it matter? The love of my life was on his way to Vietnam, my father was dwindling in the hospital, Riley was going crazy needing me to pay attention to the shop and I was caught up in fornication.

I was pretty untouchable in this state. When you don't care people seem to catch on. It was big news that Edward Cullen was back in town getting ready to go to Vietnam. Word was people barely saw him. Tanya wanted to lash out somehow but what could she really do? Edward was still around so she couldn't get by with it. Her minions shot me dirty looks and made sounds under their breath when I passed, but why should I care? They had made a mess in my locker, torn a couple of my notebooks to shreds. I went and got the teacher and said, "My locker was vandalized while I was sick."

It was Mrs. Spencer. She looked at the mess and folded her arms. "This has to be cleaned up," she said.

"Then you need to tell Jessica and her crew," I said back. She stared at me and I saw her for just this lonely horrible woman. She wanted to ask. I knew she would.

"Is Edward Cullen going to Vietnam?" she said. "He was a student of mine. I like to keep track."

"Um…yes he's going," I said.

Then I closed the door to my locker and stepped over the notes I'd taken for various classes and went on my way.

"This has to be cleaned up," she called.

I ignored her.

I said to myself, 'from now on, I'm not going to act stupid just so someone else can feel better.' I felt really happy after I decided that.

That evening I waited in my room for Edward. Naomi was at prayer meeting. She was not speaking full sentences to me. She had tried to forbid me to stay here alone while Edward was in town, but I had not argued and come here every night anyway. She had said along the way, "You will be misjudged for what you're allowing." And I did not answer. Only her opinion mattered to me and I had already sacrificed her approval so there was no bigger price to pay. I didn't like hurting her, but I was not going to pull back from my precious few days.

I was asleep when he came up the stairs into my room. He walked like always, but I left the door open for him. He didn't like that, and he locked it after himself. But I couldn't believe I'd been asleep.

As soon as he woke me I realized he'd been fighting. I looked at his hand, even though the light was just a candle I'd left burning. His knuckles were peeled in places.

I knew he fought James. "Is he home?" I said.

He nodded, and started to pull off his coat and then he sat on the bed beside me and tugged off his boots. He emptied his pockets on my nightstand and unbuckled his belt and unzipped and let his pants drop and he stepped out. The tail of his flannel shirt was long and he unbuttoned his cuffs and I loved the way his big hands curled, and he unbuttoned the shirt and then he crawled in with me wearing his t-shirt and his underwear and his socks.

We were squished against each other and I felt the relief in him. He kissed me right away but he wanted to hold me more than anything and that's what I needed too. "Mrs. Spencer has a thing for you," I whispered.

He didn't say anything. I lifted my head and looked at him and smiled. He smiled a little, and pushed my head back on his chest and we laid there. I saw the marks on his face a little better, the scraped cheek and the scratch on the other side and the puffiness to his lip.

"What was it about?" I said.

"It's better now," he said and his fingers were feeling through my hair.

"When you're hurt, it hurts me," I said.

"I know," he said.

And we pretty much fell asleep then because it was turning into morning next time I woke up. He was just coming back in from using the bathroom.

I could smell the soap on his face. He knew how to take care of his cuts after all the sports.

He settled back in with me and I pressed myself as tight to him as I could. But I couldn't ignore my bladder ready to pop so I groaned and got up, and he didn't want to let me go, and I said I gotta go, and he said he was coming too and I said, no you ain't, and he acted like he was and I ran out squealing and went in the bathroom and slammed the door and there wasn't a lock. He rattled the knob and I yelled, "Don't you dare," and he was laughing and I was in a fix because the laughing made it worse and he said, "I ain't comin' in," like I was crazy to think he would, but I knew if I'd said yes he'd be there right now because there was nothing about me he didn't want to know about seemed, but I had news for him.

And I had to go but I was worried the whole time. But when I got done he was in bed waiting for me and the minute I made it to the bed he sat up and grabbed onto me and pulled me on top of him then he fell back kissing me like fury and he threaded his fingers against my scalp and I loved that so much, and the other hand was everywhere and the way he did it, moved it along me, he made me feel beautiful.

I lifted my head in a minute and I said, "Does it hurt?" and to answer he just pushed me back to him and locked his lips to mine and I guess he was fine. But then I could taste blood and I lifted my head again. "I taste blood."

And he said, "So?" And went to kiss me again and I pushed back and he said, "You can take my sperm but you can't take a little of my blood? I had yours on me. I liked it."

And I slapped against his chest a little. "You're gross." And he laughed, and he nuzzled into my neck then and kissed me all over, then he said, "That ain't all I've had either," and I knew what he meant, what he'd done at the motel, and I slapped him again and he laughed and held me to him and rocked with me and I had to laugh at his disgusting self but I was trying not to.

We were slow and lazy then, and we did things the slowest ever, he took my t-shirt off and took about a half hour to kiss all the smiley faces on my bikini underwear then he took those off altogether and somewhere in there he was bare too, and then we were together and he didn't have the condoms, he kept them on him so wherever we were, but now he'd forgotten them in the car, and so he showed me how to stroke him and I did that fast and faster until he was so crazy he lost it, then he did the same for me and I think it was my favorite so far if there was such a thing. Well I liked it all and he was very dedicated to my pleasure.

"You show me all these things," I said when we were spent and holding each other, "then you take it all away and I've got to live like a Baptist again."

"When I get back we can do this the rest of our lives. Can you imagine fifty, sixty years of this?"

"What? Your balls will be down to your knees by then," I said.

"Yeah but they'll still be workin'," he said. "And we're going to do it every night."

"We are?" I said.

"Yep. And sleep naked, too."

"Every night? What if there's children. We can't sleep naked."

"We are. And in all different ways. I get to say, but you can say too."

"What kind of ways?"

He moved me around like I was a doll, my head at one end of the bed and his at the other. He had my legs open and flopped over his. This way he could control how wide I opened mine and he had a good view when he raised his head. "I like this," he said.

I laughed so much I had to roll on my side and bring my legs together.

"That's good too," he said, eyes on my behind.

I spun around and crawled back onto him and got close again. "You're crazy," I said.

He kissed me then, just kissed me into a whole new day.


	46. Chapter 46

Finding My Thunder 46

Well my mail came to Charlie's house and I hardly ever got any, but on my driver's license I used Naomi's address, the same just with the letter B behind it. But still they mixed up the mail from the house in front and the house in back all the time. Checking Charlie's box showed a letter to my parent or guardian from the school. I was thanking the Lord I got it before Naomi did.

Principal Brown wanted a meeting. There was a question of truancy and some failing grades. If there wasn't a response in three days the truancy officer would make a home visit.

"Oh shit," I said. I was in my work clothes, jeans and a flannel and my work gloves were under my arm. Edward was sitting in Charlie's truck, engine running. He was driving, also dressed for work. The bank was seizing the shop and this was our last chance to purge out the remaining scrap before they took possession. We only knew that because Riley's sister was a teller and she knew the letter was coming.

Edward was going to help Riley and me get some of the bigger pieces onto the truck so Riley could haul them in.

I knew Riley had been taking scrap all along and I had to trust his accounting. With Edward home and the time I'd been in school, I hadn't been helping. I would've paid him well but he just handed me cash all the time, whatever he thought was fair. Should have been the other way around. But I was so out of the loop and desperate for the money I had no real way to check things. So I took it but I wasn't real happy.

When we got to the shop I was stewing on the letter. I didn't want Naomi knowing what was going on with school. I didn't want to hear it. I'd fix it later, when I got done hauling scrap and when Edward was gone. It would be okay I just needed more time. I could take this letter into Charlie in Memphis, or pretend to. That's what I'd do, I'd forge Charlie's name on it and after this week I'd be regular in my attendance. I'd fix it…study hard. Naomi…I'd done enough to upset her.

So when we got to the shop Riley was already there. It was looking more cleaned up, cleaned out is what. Edward whistled. "You and him do all this?"

"No," I said, cause we had not. We'd worked in small batches, but out back here it had been cluttered, but now it wasn't. "You remember how it was out here."

"I sure do," Edward said, "the rat motel." So we went inside and Riley was filling a barrel with any small pieces he could find.

"They're taking possession day after tomorrow," he said like I didn't already know. Well that was a week away.

"You think it's getting too stripped around here? We were going to be subtle," I said. Looked to me like he'd gotten greedy. He reached in his jean pocket then and smacked a fold of money on the table there. "Go on and count it," he said. "Two thousand."

"All that hers?" Edward asked.

Riley nodded.

"What'd you get Fucker?" Edward again. I couldn't believe he talked to Riley that way.

"What's it to you?" I hadn't seen Riley be so serious. But he had a side.

"It's her money," Edward said stern and loud.

"We're splittin' it down the middle. Hell, I'm doing all the work."

"And you're gettin' a cut to put up your veins. You're not his son you're an employee," Edward again, fierce.

What was with these two? I was literally in the middle.

"You complainin' Bella?" Riley said.

I looked at Edward. I knew I should be complaining, but without Riley I would have been hard put to load this kind of weight.

I breathed in, feeling so much anger between them. "I feel like you should give me the money and I'll pay you fair." I kept looking at Riley, and I relaxed some.

He looked mad. His eyes went to Edward and then me. He dug in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. It was fat with cash. He counted out two thousand, the same as me, but more was in there.

"You get an invoice or receipt I can go by?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Jack is all cash. That's what makes it doable. Charlie may be your dad, but what we been doin' is gray and we," and he looked at Edward hatefully, "all," then back to me, "know it. I do most the work…pretty much all of it…and Charlie's been rippin' me off for years."

"That don't mean you can rip her off," Edward said. "She ain't done nothin' to you."

"But this stuff is Charlie's, and he's done plenty," Riley said, that normally sweet guy just gone now. It always amazed me how controlled he stayed with Charlie, but there was some hate in there.

I took the money from his hand and counted it out again.

"It's two thousand. You saw me count it," he said.

Then I picked it up and stacked it again and handed it back. "Alright," I said, giving him more than I really wanted to, but his anger threw me and I knew he had been ripped by Charlie a few times, and all the pain and suffering…but I had no idea of other things he may have taken to even the scales. "I appreciate you showing me the whole thing. I'm not trying to be greedy but this is all Charlie did with his life and I don't know what we got ahead…and it is his. So…he's still the boss and the closest thing to that is me," I said.

He looked at me briefly and something in his eyes threw me, but he put it in his wallet and shoved it back in his pocket.

"You about got this place picked clean," Edward said. "You think he ripped you off? What about her? She's his blood."

"Wasn't for me she wouldn't have anything," Riley said. "What you gonna do for her?"

"Wasn't for her you'd have your naked ass and your toke. You want to have a go with me Fucker?" Edward said.

Riley smirked, "Looks like someone beat me to it."

"Um…could we just get done here before we get in trouble?" I said.

It's like I stuck a pin in whatever had been blowing up.

"We still got to make a truck for service like she wants," he said to Edward, voice drained of friendly.

"We'll load Charlie's truck," I said.

"Why?" Riley asked. "Someone wants to come looking for this stuff…like the bank…your house is the first place they'll look cause darlin' they are gonna seize his assets and he owns your house. I'll take it out to my place…."

"Where they could show up anytime to do a drug bust," Edward said.

"You gonna Narc me out?" Riley said.

"I was gonna do that I'd have to make a list," Edward said.

"You try it, Vietnam ain't far enough, boy."

"Oh…whoa," I said hands to my temples so my head didn't explode.

Riley was pulling on his gloves again, his face like doomsday. He turned away and got back to what he was doing. "They'll get six, seven thousand for the sheer at auction," he said, his back to me. "I figure a few more thousand for the rest. They'll want his truck, too, so anything you plan to keep…."

Edward had his hand on me. "It'll be okay," he said. "You've got a home with Naomi, right? You've already lost that house…it's like an albatross around your neck…right? And you need some money, I'll send you some when I can. I was always gonna do that. I get an extra fifty a month for being in combat."

"No," I said, too sharply. "The truck…that's a hard one. I…wanted to make a service truck out of it." And I just plain loved the freedom it gave me. I wanted to sell fittings and I couldn't hitchhike! I turned to Edward so Riley wouldn't hear, "I need that truck. It's my business…you know?"

He shook his head, his eyes darting to Riley. "How about waiting for me? I get back…I'll help you do this. We can do it together. You don't want to be involved with him. Just…be a kid…be a teenager for a while and we'll save money. I saw that letter you shoved in the glove box. I know the school letterhead. I bet you're in trouble."

I stared at him. He was way sharper than Naomi for noticing things. "I'll take care of the school stuff…but I need a job. When you get back…I hope to be going by then. Course I want you with me. I always been thinking that way."

"You don't want to deal with this redneck. I told you he ain't no good. You can't trust him. He'll be skimmin' all the time. He's a head."

"He's okay," I said, knowing we were not going to agree, not nearly. "He's a percentage good…like most people…just not enough sometimes…I understand…but Edward without him…the bank would have it all."

He huffed around. "I hate the way you got to settle like that. There's no hurry to do this other, is there?"

He didn't understand and I didn't want him to. I was tired of losing. I needed to build something. Quick. "Let's just finish this and get out of here," I said.

We decided that Riley would take one welder with him and a certain number of tools and I would take the other and the remaining tools.

So we loaded up, locked up, dropped the keys in the mailbox. There was no sentiment in it. Just a weird relief. And I thought of Charlie back in that hospital bed and I knew this world was shifting for him, all over, one day him riding high and setting up his new life, not so long after all of it crashing down around him. All built on the sinking sand of assholery.

I reached for Edward then. I didn't want him to go. Lord how was I going to keep myself together?

We rode that way, quiet, all the way in to Temple. It was dark, no one around and we pulled up behind the little shed in back of the building there. He left the engine running and I told him the combination and he unlocked the brittle door and we got the welder in there and the tool box and a box of attachments and a helmet and odds and ends. We closed the door then and took off before someone could inquire.

Well, I had criminal in me, this proved it. And I was storing my contraband at Temple. I hoped this wasn't the deal breaker with God. I hoped he understood I needed some magic beans for a new start and that's what all this was and I was getting back to the deal real soon.

And Naomi…she didn't deserve to get someone like me for a granddaughter. I had a lot of making up to do.


	47. Chapter 47

Finding My Thunder 47

It was overwhelming to separate the last of anything I wanted out of Charlie's house. I packed up Charlie's stuff, his clothes and some of his personal stuff as well, the paperwork from his bottom drawer. A lot of stuff we burned in the barrel back of the house.

Some stuff Edward helped me load to Temple and we put it in the basement for the frequent rummage sale days we held there.

A bunch of stuff went straight to the trash. And it wasn't easy sorting through my parents' lives. That stuff was like…emotional, but the more we got rid of the better I felt.

Good thing Naomi had a basement cause I was able to store the rest of my stuff down there. It was exhausting. Charlie's furniture would just have to go with the house, or the bank could figure it out.

So that's how the last of my days with Edward went. We laid up in my room, just the mattress on the floor now and not much else. He left Monday morning and it was Sunday night and we had distracted ourselves with all the work, but now there was nothing but the truth.

We'd been talking around things, leaping to the future. The idea of a business and a life together, it was a strong thing for us both. But the great divide…we were stepping to it now. He didn't want me to go to the airport, his family was going, and he wanted to be strong for them and if I was there…he didn't know. So he'd go in the morning, at four am, and I'd go on back to Naomi's and I'd be done with it here in this house, and with all of my sweet times with Edward in this room.

I'd have to be strong, but there was something desperate welling up, well we had made such sweet love and we were holding each other, but his body…I didn't think I could bear to think of him hurt, and there would be so many wanting to hurt him, kill him. The way that VA hospital smelled and the fragileness of it…of those men…trying to knit back together…if he were hurt….

I sat up and started to go over him with my hands.

"What are you doing?" he said softly.

"I…I just want to remember," I said.

He relaxed his arms then, put them flat so I could do what I wanted. Well I knelt beside him, and I started with his face.

"So serious," he whispered.

I just nodded. He didn't need to hear my hysteria. I touched his face like Helen Keller might. "You know I think you're beautiful," I said.

"Yes," he said. "But beautiful…that's you."

I shook my head and felt some tears get free so I pressed my lips together and moved my attention to his neck, a strong column and he swallowed, his chest a breastplate of skin shielding his heart, his shoulders, strong burden-bearing friendship, his arms sinew, protecting, shielding, his hands busy and skilled generous, his stomach strong rows of muscle, his male parts the heat blast of what he told me he felt, his legs strong, powerful, speed, his feet strong and sure and quick to rush to help…now so ready to take him to strange places in strange boots on strange earth.

He told me it was the same sun but we'd see it at different times. There was no good way to view this. It was wrong to be apart. This war was wrong. But I made myself be here, with him, not off in a future we didn't have. Didn't want. Well I didn't.

So I smoothed my hand over him, and I asked him to roll over and I dragged my hand over the back of his head and his neck and over every inch of him, laying on of hands, the bible spoke, the transference of blessing, of power, I gave him all I had and I asked that through me God would give him more, and I would remember this…remember this, him warm and alive under my hands so whole, so perfect, so present and young…so strong…so young…so willing…so young.

I stroked over him until I felt the craziness in myself simmer, calm. Edward didn't say, "Are you finished?" He didn't fight it, fight me, his eyes were closed, and he lay there for me and I smoothed over and over his flesh, so much love in me, so much give in me, so much want in me, so much prayer.

Then I kissed where I had touched. I kissed him and I touched him and I stroked him. He was my warrior. He was my friend. My gift. I kissed him and I gave him. The loss I'd known…of everything before this…before him was lesser. Even my Mama…much as I loved her…even that was one step back from this giving of Edward Cullen to God's good grace.

Edward wasn't mine. I didn't own him. I couldn't. Shouldn't. But I could know him. And God had shared him with me. And I wanted more. And I asked for more. Like Oliver Twist I held him up in my mind and to God I said…and I was sorry about the analogy…but I said to God in his high collar and his kinky cravat and his bad hair I said… "More please."

I did. And angels gasped and devils grinned and the other humans who listened in from eternity's halls and eternity's pits put their hands over their mouths and waited to see what would happen next.

When I laid next to him finally, I thought he might be asleep, but he was not. He was, however, in a deep state of relaxation. His eyes opened, just slits, but intense like always. "What was that?" he said, one side of his face scrunched on the pillow.

I smiled a little. "A surrender," I said.

He studied me for a moment, but his eyes were heavy and he let them close and I pulled as close as I could to him, gently slid my leg over him, put my arm around him, and that was how I spent the night, awake and suspended in that place, more please, please, please, for Edward…until it was time.

I shook him awake, and he awoke with a start and he scrambled then, already leaving me, already pulling away, on the clock, sense of duty.

Fumbled dressing, time breathing fire. Kisses and clutches then, at the top of the stairs, then down the stairs, then at the door, on the porch, in front of the house.

I love you, I'll write you, I'll think of you every minute, I'll be home before you know it, don't cry, I'm not crying, I love you, go now, I'm going now, go inside, don't watch or I can't go, go on I want to watch, good-bye, good-bye.

In the house that was no longer any part of me, in the room where I said good-bye to the memories two ghosts made just minutes before, out the door, clutching the bag, the remnants of my Arabian nights of wild love. With my love.

The Canna garden still and decayed. The ghost of my dog greeting me in the yard. Naomi asleep, the bag of sheets still warm from our bodies and the candle still mellow and my pillow the shroud of Edward's face upon it, accordion pleat from his drool, now placed in the space I called home with my grandmother. My spinster's life. I was a nun. I was in the army too, of school and work and duty to God. We were all going to march now, we were all going to fall in line.

Tapping on my window. It was him and I made a noise like a wounded bird and I ran down the hall and into the living room and on the porch and he was there and I jumped in his arms and my lips, my hands, on him and he held me so close and my ankles were crossed behind me, but I wouldn't know that until I thought about it later. He kissed me wild, and he said… "You didn't know you'd see me again so soon," and he was laughing.

And I laughed too, and cried, and I said, "Why? Why?"

He said, "I wanted to show you…there's good. There's surprises. You don't know it all," and he was squeezing me. Then he set me on my feet and one hand on my arm, with the other he fished in his pocket and pulled out a jewelry box and gave it to me. "This is for you. I know you didn't want it. Put it on quick I got to go."

I opened it and with my hands shaking, put the little silver ring on quick. It was easy on the eyes, nothing showy, just sweet, just perfect.

"Smile," he said, his hands on my shoulders.

"I am," I said.

He gave me a sweet, soft kiss. Then he let me go. As he walked quick to that car he said, "Keep smiling." Then before he got in he looked across the hood at me and said it again, "Keep smiling."

And holding that empty box against me I stood grinning at him, laughing a little, and he waved and pulled off in James' car.

I gasped when I turned around to go in. I was still smiling. Naomi was in the doorway her eyes swollen with sleep and her hair in pins. Her mouth was open but she took me in, shaking her head. "Well…if the Lord has not returned I am going back to bed," she said.

I went to her and hugged her because I'd been the most rebellious awful granddaughter, full of secrets. She hugged me back right away.

"Is he off then?"

"Yes," I said.

She pulled back and patted me. We parted, her to her room, me to mine. I laid down, still holding the box, and held my splayed hand up to check that little ring. I had to laugh some. It was never all bad, it never was. His lesson had been simple and true. I had so much, I already had so much with him, and I'd given him all that I could, and I'd keep on giving and building, and I was so…blessed…and nothing took that away…nothing could.

I kissed that ring, put my lips on it and held them there.

This was more.


	48. Chapter 48

Thanks for all the kindness.

Finding My Thunder 48

Monday morning, as Edward was enroute to Vietnam, I was sitting in Principal Brown's office with my forged letter concerning truancy and poor grades. "Your parent needs to be here," the principal was saying.

"Yes sir," I said. "But my father has had a stroke. It's put some extra pressure on me…the trips to the hospital. I haven't meant to mess up with my schoolwork. I just…it's hard what with…I will get better now."

"And who is watching over you? I know your mother passed," he fumbled through my records, the one I filled out hastily when I'd registered the day school started, "oh my, just months ago. Do you need to see the school counselor?"

"Um…no sir. And I live with my Grandmother."

"Then she needs to come in," he said.

"She works," I said hastily. "But I'll do better. I promise. My father…he's in rehabilitation now. Things have…they settled down some. Well a lot. They're better. Really better." First rule of lying effectively, talk as little as possible. Let others draw the conclusions they need to make themselves feel better about what you're trying to get by with. I'd read that in a really horrible book. I think a serial killer said it. But he'd evaded capture for years so….

The principal sighed. Yes, I could hear his thoughts. He was so sick of kids. He could barely stand us. So he created a happier idea of us, and I was just what he needed to make himself feel better, like he could really do some good in his position and it wasn't all board meetings and parent meetings and paperwork and this ugly office with tiny windows where kids lied to him. I was almost saving myself with my hopeful attitude, so all he had to do was extend mercy and I would be the best dinner party story he could ever tell his friends if he needed some strokes…and didn't we all.

"We'll give it the rest of the week. If you do better…make school everyday on time, get your work done, then by the end of the week, we'll see. But take this letter home and have your grandmother sign it under your father's name. I need to know that your responsible parent or guardian is aware of this dilemma."

I had a new name to forge now, a new sin. "Yes sir," I said. And I considered I might quit school altogether. It was really robbing me of the time needed to do something real and if it wasn't for Naomi I wouldn't be here today. That was the truth.

I lost Charlie's truck on Wednesday and bought it back from the bank on Friday. There went two thousand of my dollars. I cut French class in the afternoon to meet with Mr. Stevers, a real creeper that talked more to my chest than to my face. I met him at the bank and bought the truck, missing the test on feminine and masculine pronouns so I could keep transportation so I could get around and drive to see Annie, and Charlie, and set up a business on which hinged my and Edward's entire future.

If I got caught, meaning if my French teacher figured out that after embarrassing him by mumbling how I'd started my period and needed to be excused from class, was complete bull, then I might be in trouble again. But seeing as he was not married, and seemed very strange and solitary and was always flushing red around the female students who teased him once they figured out he was easily degraded, it wasn't likely he'd pursue the truth concerning my monthly visitor, a visitor which was highly irregular anyway and hadn't made an appearance for six months truth be told. Not unusual for me as I'd never been regular in that way.

So I was managing things as well as I could.

The other thing was the call I intercepted from the hospital. They were suggesting we allow Charlie to be transferred to a state run nursing home. He refused to co-operate with physical therapy and there wasn't anything else they could do for him. He was severely depressed, unable to speak clearly, mostly bed ridden, refusing to do his exercises which left him bed bound and wheelchair bound.

Charlie was deteriorating and giving up. He wanted to come home but there was no home to come back to. There were no people. And the amount of care he needed was daunting and impossible.

There was a for sale sign in front of his house, formerly my old house, my Mama's house, my great-Grandmother's house. It was being sold to pay Charlie's debts. His shop was cleaned out, its contents on a truck bound for auction, a For Rent sign in the building's window. Papers attesting to a medical discharge from the army and his marriage to Mama were in a box in Naomi's basement. His wife was in a grave, his daughter saved from homelessness by the Negro woman who had filled his boots too many times, his girlfriend back to the life she'd never left and good thing. And Riley his faithful employee had fleeced him until the sheep had no wool and no skin either. We had all survived him and it hadn't been easy. He never made it easy.

Then there was that other thing. Edward's brother James. He was at school now. But that wasn't new. James had been at school my whole life. He was a senior and we did not share classes, not even lunch, but I saw him everyday, taller, thinner, muscular, silent, stony-faced with a blonde ponytail. I caught him staring at me more than once and when we had assembly, I felt his eyes on me and when I looked to see, he was there, in the back, looking at me, and I looked away. I saw something of Edward in him, I didn't know what, the brow? The shape of his face? I didn't know. But there was no threat in the look, no kindness, just a looking, unapologetic looking. He was different. He didn't hurry around, mouthy and loud and vying for attention and social position. He was like a shadow of that boy. He was this boy, ticking quiet.

I remembered him and Edward had fought. I didn't know how it was between them. I didn't know if he'd gone to the airport to see Edward off, but I suspected that was why Edward didn't want me to come. He was protecting me. That's what I assumed.

To think that both of us were so connected to Edward and yet unable to share, to comfort one another, to speak, to even be friends. It was so strange. We were so strange. The human race. The strange human race, the pinnacle of God's creation, at war with one another. Strange.

The weekend was busy. A visit to Charlie. The reality of the VA hospital yet again. My father's despair. I hoped for apathy, I don't know why, the hope he was going numb inside and barely aware.

But it wasn't that way, that terrible way, it was worse. He suffered.

I talked to him and I heard my own youth, my own distance from his Raggedy Andy life and how he had to feel laying crumpled and dependent on others for everything, for every act.

"They said you wouldn't work at getting better," I said, and it was so strange and foreign to be like this, to pretend we were normal enough to care about one another's lives, to act like we knew each other.

"Charlie…they're sending you to another place…where they can care for you. You need so much help…." Here came the hand, plucking at me, spastic, the long sound of no. The long o sound.

"I can't…," tears choking me, but not reaching my eyes. I knew life was brutal. He had taught me that. I wasn't bitter. I wasn't angry. It was so, that's all, and the truth…it's all I had to give. "It's state run, government paid…and they'll care for you there, and I'll come sometimes…if you want. I…I don't know what else I can do."

I thought I heard him say God, then say it again, short o this time. Long o. Short o. No. God. No. God.

I gripped the iron footboard on his bed. There was no way but through. He had refused to go forward…and now they sat him on the pot. There was no way but through. You had to keep fighting. And when you quit, they dragged you forward and did the things you did for yourself. And then…you lived and breathed in captivity. He was a proverb and a by-word, and I didn't say it meanly.

"Charlie…I can't take you home."

He was grimacing and moving his head and sputtering and gasping. His hands were spastic and curled uselessly, and his bony legs were laying there, his feet just anemic pale yellow and soft and not going anywhere.

"You'll have care, that's the thing," I said. I knew it wasn't the thing.

"Diiiiiiiiii," he got out, long i.

"I…can't help you with that," I said. Now that was an odd response. From me. It came out really quick, before I thought too much about it. So I lowered to the chair beside his bed. "I mean…I understand you might feel really discouraged."

This made him mad. He had no trouble showing anger. Not ever.

"Calm down," I hissed, putting my hand on his arm.

He did work on it some and he lay there pretty spent, tears leaking.

"I'm trying to talk to you but they're going to come in here and then it'll be over," I was whispering loudly.

He kept saying the pathetic word, diii…trying to turn himself toward me.

"I can't help you die," I said. "I can't…take you home to die. I can't kill you…I can't help you," I said, my hands going from my temples to be open in front of me. I was so angry he would ask this, too.

He stared at me, much as he could before his head would spasm then he would work to get me in his sites again.

"You're not…trying," I wiped at my eyes, so angry.

I wished I'd brought Naomi. She would know what to say, how to speak to him. Better than me.

"Ever think…maybe you're supposed to live and learn some things over. Ever…ever see it like that? Like a second chance?" I was crying in earnest now… "It's hard…I know it…but…if you could be a better man…for the time left…if you could make some peace…show some kindness…I don't know. I don't know. You had it hard…and Mama and you…all the bad times between you…bad feelings…but now…the way things are with us…we're trying…aren't we? I mean…I'm here. I don't know what it means to you. I'm…willing to…I forgive you. Okay? I held some stuff against you…but I forgive you." I cried harder now, but I sniffed and sucked it back in, "All that bitterness…and hate. Maybe you need to own up to it all. Admit it. Make your peace. Then…maybe it's time. Maybe a better place, a door will open up and you'll walk again and you'll be perfect…and it will be perfect," I was crying and part of me thought I'd surely lost my mind, but it came to this and I knew it had to, it should, and he was listening, whether in despair or neutral or even hopeful, I couldn't have said. He was just so still. I touched his shoulder. It was so foreign to touch him, reaching through the fence and touching the growling dog, but still now, and if he hadn't moved inside, I had.

He was turned away and he closed his eyes.

"I'm gonna go," I said. I figured I'd said too much. "But…I'll be praying for you. And Charlie? I ain't sorry you're my father. I get it now. I see why. I hope you can think some and get there about me. Goodnight."

I stood then and took a last look at him, still with his face turned away. I went to the doorway then and stopped one more time. He hadn't moved.

And here's what I knew. God took me way, way out there with Charlie…and having gone through it…his wrath, his crazy raging life…there was nothing anyone could throw at me I couldn't survive. Cause I had survived Charlie Swan.

One week later my first letter came from Edward. I went in my room and fell on my knees and removed it like it was the Magna Carta.

Dear Bella,

Smile. I hope you're missing me and not already taking up with some high school asshole who's beating my time. Well, I know you wouldn't but that's what they drill into us…she's fucking someone else.

Okay, I'm some pissed off so don't listen to me. This letter is pretty fucked. Vietnam is fucked. Also, let me know if I can tell you the truth or if you need me to hold it back.

I am on a firebase called White Stallion. It's not cowboys and Indians though. Not anything I've ever known. The food, I hate it already.

Hey, Hawaii is beautiful, not that I saw it for long. I had a great sandwich there. When we got over the country here they fired at us, at the plane. Called it a welcome committee. Yeah, just letting us know how welcomed we were. I was like, what in fuck? But they were like, no big deal. So welcome to Vietnam.

Once we got off the plane they put us on school buses with wire over the windows. Hot? You wouldn't believe. Stink here? Think of sticking your head in a hot hamper full of rotten socks and black slimy cabbage. That's about it.

They took us to this station and gave us a speech and some supplies. Me and the guys meant for White Stallion, there were only three of us. We were the last to get picked up. Two guys came for us in a jeep. One was my sergeant. What an asshole. That doesn't cover it.

I ended up liking the army by the time I went home from basic. I don't know if I told you. I started in hate, I ended in thinking it wasn't bad at all. I did well. It was football, you know? Now I'm here and it's hate again. I'll get used to it.

The guys you're with? You don't feel like them either. You're just too new, still who you used to be, but you don't fit, just into this green outfit of misplants and some of them are crazy but they're who you got and you're eager. Much as you hate them, you'll kill for them. It's fucked. But there's a couple you admire right off. You can tell they know.

On the way to base we went through this shallow water. An old man was crossing there. I can't even tell you, but they wanted to bust our cherries. Don't let Naomi see this. Don't leave it where she'll see. That old man wasn't anything to them. And once they busted our cherries, we drove on to the base and how you doin'? You see how it is, and that old papa ain't seein' nothing no more.

Then to the base, barbed wire around a compound. We live in tents. The food is shit. The guy who cooks, he's stoned. It's fucked, but who can eat? They said I'd get over it. I don't know.

Hey, I don't know if I'll mail this. The guys I came in with, they're okay. Guys, whatever, you meet about the same four over and over. But these guys are fucked up but they know how to survive so I'm staying quiet and figuring it out. We do long boring ass guard duty but they put you with someone who knows. I fired at something my first night. The guy with me, same thing. In the morning a body. That's it. That's all. But these people are serious. They'll use anyone.

I think of you, but part of me wants to keep you away from it. If this was too rough, I'm sorry. Tear it up so no one sees it. Let me know you're alright. Your hands on me, I lay at night and think of that, and I can remember it so sharp, I can feel it still. I don't want to lose it. I love you. When you write…well I still got that letter with all the love you wrote me and gave me at the airport that time. But it's pretty worn but it's lucky. Just write me now that you know. Tell me stuff. Tell me everything, you're my word girl, you've got the words, all the words I need. I got my arms around you right now and more, yeah you know what I'd be doin' if I had you with me. Let me know what's going on. I don't want to worry about you. I need to know. Write me.

The country here is so different. God bless the USA.

I love you,

Edward

I read my first letter five times. Then I refolded it and held it tight against my forehead so it would get into my brain. He was already changing. Life and death were like the potter's hands.

When they called that night, the hospital…they said Charlie died. I wanted to think he saw that doorway and went on up, new legs, strong feet, mind healed.

One way or another, I was on the quarry cliff in my mind, no one before me. But Naomi, she was with me in the kitchen, her hand on my arm.

"That last time, I forgave him," I said. "Maybe I set him free."

"No," she said to me, "…you set yourself free."

Then she patted me. Well, I wasn't alone.


	49. Chapter 49

Finding My Thunder 49

The world was a whole lot bigger than my problems. I did not hear much from Edward, only once in fact. What I was seeing on the news was a thing called the Tet Offensive. Edward had arrived just in time for the biggest military push by the Communist troops against South Vietnam. Up until now there had been these smaller battles, but this was a big campaign and the Americans were caught off-guard but they were fighting back hard.

The war took all of my attention, more than Charlie's lonely burial at Memphis National Cemetery, more than my troubles at school, my troubles with Naomi when she found out about my troubles at school, my troubles with Tanya and her gang when my black grandmother came to school to see to my troubles, making me more troubles.

I was above it all. Now that was the thing. My grandmother had been trying to tell me such for a long time, that Jesus called us to a life above the melee, that just because someone called you into the quicksand of their hatred, you didn't have to jump in and drown.

Well what they said to me became more about their own hatred, their perpetuation of what they'd been taught to fear. There was a growing number of those vocal against prejudice and oppression. At least ten or so, and they were some of the school's brightest. Hannah was a part of it until she got pregnant and they gladly bid her adieu as she got skirted away to a relative's house in New Jersey of all places, but the movement did not die in her absence. Penny and Eric stepped boldly into her vacated space. Well we all had to find a way to make a difference. Briefly, as in once, we had a student panel to discuss some of the issues and it got heated and it was disbanded.

But with the presidential election brewing, more discussion broke out in other classes, and there were days where school was almost interesting and something like real learning raised its head the way a mole might, but it was careful discussion, limited discussion, and the teachers could only take so much and a lot of kids, maybe all of them were just regurgitating what they heard at home, but wasn't school supposed to be a place where you brought that crap and threw it on the table and it got challenged by a teacher who maybe knew something and then you had to think about it some?

Seemed like we had to mostly worry about order and language and dress codes and preserving what was already set in stone.

But in February we got two new Republican candidates for president, Richard Nixon and George Wallace. Well I knew all about Wallace. If ever the wall of oppression had a face it was that man. Naomi prayed for him many a time and the sisters would wail while she prayed so I pretty well had him figured. But Nixon, I didn't know him.

And President Johnson abandoned his escalation plans in Vietnam. We'd won Tet overall, but we were kind of on our asses seeing the size of the opposition. I wondered who was making these calls up in Washington. I was just a kid but I wanted to believe our leaders had some intelligence. On TV about everything got solved, someone was right on it, there were all kinds of heroes who knew better than anyone else and they were usually Americans. Surely we had some brilliant minds weighing in on this thing in Vietnam. Surely college kids didn't know more than our leaders, our military.

I wrote faithfully to Edward. Nearly a month and still no word. I finally got a period and I was feeling pretty emotional so I marched over to James' table in the lunchroom. He wasn't eating, I noticed, just sitting there, legs spread wide, chair on its back two legs, him staring out. Two others sat with him, two punks. They did a lot of drugs, these three. James was like a leper here now since he'd gone to the farm and without Edward's sun he had no light to reflect, none anybody was interested in. And he didn't seem to care. It's like he was his own evil twin, his Mr. Hyde in control, well it always was, but the mask of 'normal' was pretty much ripped away, ripped to shreds. I'd known this side of him young.

"Has your family heard from Edward?"

He stared at me and his friends snickered, one saying something to the other.

"Black Bella," James said and grinned. That's what they called me around here, just loud enough I could hear when I passed. But he just said it to my face.

"Why would I tell you?" he asked, turning his head to the side and spitting right there on the cafeteria floor.

I turned away and started to walk out of there, the brown bag holding my lunch crinkling as I smashed it into my shoulder bag.

When I got outside I kept going, far as we were allowed, over by the gym where no one sat cause it was too cold with the wind off the field.

He had followed me and it took me aback though I tried not to act like it. I looked up at him and he had his hands in his jeans and he was studying me with his always mad eyes.

"You stop to think he don't want to talk with you no more? You were just some ass he got before he went?"

I dug in my purse for my lunch, no thought behind it, just needing something to do so I didn't leap up and claw his face. I found that baloney sandwich and took an angry bite.

I chewed and swallowed and he stood there, eyes on me like cancer or something, and I said, "You think you're the first one in line to say mean things? I don't care about that…what you got to say. I just want to know if Edward is okay."

"He told me to stay clear and I have." He spat again.

"I haven't heard from him and I worry," I said louder. "And it's stupid I can't ask his own brother anything when he's at war and none of the other shit matters."

He stood glaring some more, but his body curved toward me. "We ain't heard," he said. "But don't ask me again. I ain't good enough to talk to you…his black-assed Betty. If he ain't writin', he don't want to."

He left then. He walked away, his head down, his hand at his mouth. I'd poked a stick, like Edward did that day with the radio and Charlie. I hadn't meant to, that was not my intention, but I had just the same. James Masen hated my guts.

They had not heard. But if something happened to Edward the army would come, that I knew. I'd heard the process in an essay someone read whose brother had been killed in the war. I couldn't let this fear take over, but it wanted to. So I went to see Annie. I needed something to do that was real and difficult and absorbing and about the present and future.

Annie lived forty miles beyond in a sizeable town called Redfern. This was my second time there. Her shop sat on a busy avenue, the building at an angle behind a cyclone fence. Jackson's Welding. I went in the open garage door, and there were the sounds of machines and whooping. I caused that it seemed, strange eyes on me, heads of hair I did not know.

She had the very kind of shop that would be my life if I did this so I had to let the whooping go over my head. I couldn't be afraid of it. "Is Annie around?" I said to the guy with the raised welding hood who approached me like I'd offered my sex.

"Upstairs," he said, eyes up and down, and I went up and the whooping continued and it reminded me of the monkey house that time Naomi took me to the zoo.

Up stairs were the offices, two of them. She'd said before that her husband Lonnie couldn't get up here in his wheelchair but he didn't get around so much now, hardly ever came here, and she looked sad. But she carried on, that was the thing. So she was on the phone, nails long and lacquered red like usual and the whole place smelling like an ashtray and Lord I wanted a smoke, but no.

She had two gray metal desks in here, and she sat at one, the other chair was empty, catalogues with fittings and all types of equipment everywhere. She was going back and forth on the phone, laughing this crusty laugh filled with nicotine, you could hear it. She scratched the red nails carefully through the yellow lacquered set in her hair. I twirled around in that chair and brought myself to stop just as she got off.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey yourself Bella Swan," she said. "No school today?"

I shrugged. I'd gone nine days in a row. "Not for me," I said. "I was hoping you and me could talk about some work."

Well that took guts, but I was trying to get some…guts.

"Oh. It's like that?"

Well I told her I had Charlie's accounts and his former employee and a truck, well two trucks counting Riley's. She did not know the quality of his work, so she wanted him to come in for a test. "What if you hire him?" I said.

She hooted and laughed. "Well I guess you got a problem then. But I ain't out to rob the cradle," she said. She leaned forward. "What are you trying to do?"

I told her about Charlie. She listened, her face sagging now. I didn't want her pity, or to make her think about Lonnie…shortness of time…reaper's hook and all. I just wanted her to know.

"Are you grieving hard?"

I shook my head. "I'm sorry some…but…I had my whole life to grieve him…you know? It's just…like a door shut."

I wanted to tell her more…Susan and Lottie and Mama…Naomi and Temple…a house…a dog…Jacob Blue covering my life like a mist…and me out of parents…how we had not heard from Edward…and inside…I was screaming. How Hannah was pregnant and Eric had grown up seeing me as a symbol of hypocrisy…or something…and James couldn't tell me the simplest thing even when we shared worry and love for the only thing we had in common, the biggest thing in our lives…and I was bleeding…and the world was bleeding…and cutting itself to let out some of the pain and everyday God heard the stories that killed us…and put his son to death. And I wanted to sell fittings. That's the reason I came. I wanted…I needed to build.

And the day after that Dickens came and got me after school. The man from the army was sitting in their living room. His mom said to come and get me.

I ran down the alley after his bicycle. I had not asked him if Edward lived or died. It was like I got the call I knew was coming the whole of my life. I did not carry on, I did not feel. If I was not in my socks and half slip I would almost seem normal.

Once there his mother said, "Oh child." She meant my attire. I held on to her, children about, the mister sitting in a recliner, the officer on the sofa, James pacing like a frame around a picture, and inside I was shriveling, vanishing, pulling into the center, leaving myself to cringe…to small down to the size of a bean.

I was told to sit on a dining room chair. Alice held my hand. Edward had been wounded is what they knew. He was in a German hospital. Wounded in his leg but they'd had trouble locating the bullet and it had traveled upward, and his leg was removed above the knee.

"The right or left," I heard my voice.

Left. Left. Left. Left. The strong…the beautiful…and my hand had glided…I had loved…loved…his leg…his foot…my heart…my soul.

After that a fundamental cord…cut…and the balloon…lifted…me. God…you had not listened. Why?

I did not know. Voices and worries. Whose idea was it to include the Swan girl? someone asked…Paul…the father. Then the mother, "Edward wanted her to know, he made me promise," she said.

I thanked him, I said it out loud, "Thank you, Edward." For letting me know. But I wasn't there anymore. I was in a German hospital. I was telling Edward to hang on…to live…to hope. I saw him…I felt him, the sick and fever the pain and drugs.

They had been trapped and they had died, and he had pretended to be dead and he was the only one who made it.

It was James who brought me home, James who helped me into my room when I didn't know I needed help, didn't feel him helping or know where I was. It was James who helped me into my bed.

James who fell on top of me and crushed the air out of my lungs and straddled me and knelt on my arms. It was James who told me to shut up while he undid his pants and then gripped my wrists with his bruising weight and pried open my legs with his and shoved…shoved…shoved into me with his rage and his hate.

And I fought…and I screamed…and when I could feel it even though I came back into myself, the penetration and violation, I fought and screamed and stopped and stilled and held and…the balloon burst. I had finally given up.


	50. Chapter 50

Finding My Thunder 50

Back in the Old Testament, King Nebuchadnezzar was a famous Babylonian king, and a very proud man. He was so full of himself and what he'd accomplished, he got to thinking he didn't need God, he got to thinking he was God. So God let him become an animal and for seven years he lived like a beast in the field, and he ate grass and he literally did not have the sense to come in out of the rain.

The mental ward was not a nightmare. It was its own kind of town, a place where kindness prevailed. It's like we knew how broken we were and we didn't have to pretend anymore.

It was relief. Out there, the battle to keep going, keep fighting, keep trying to look normal…all of that was gone now. My bathrobe was honesty, a holy garment. It was truth.

Riley came. It made me smile. "How's Sooner?" I said. But I didn't want to know, not really. I wanted to picture her happy and really…I didn't want to know.

He told me how the puppies were doing, their latest stories all happy. I listened a little, but it wasn't just sadness that made me tired…happiness did too. Then he told me about working at the match company doing a welding job Charlie hadn't finished. He'd called Annie and she said to tell me to get well so we could get started. He'd ordered parts from her and she'd delivered and checked his work and she thought he did fine, but she said to make it clear she was ready to do business with me. Corning was wide open, she said.

Then he tried to hand me a little bunch of pink flowers.

"They said they're Zinnias…I don't know," he said.

I didn't lift my hand because I'd grown so weary. "I don't have a vase," I said.

He held them there for another second or two then he just let his arm drop and they laid on his thigh and I thought about how pretty they were, then his leg, then Edward's leg and I was crying.

To him it looked like I just cried, like a crazy person, but to me I knew. It made sense. Really everything did. I didn't need their endless questions and their advice that fit me like Saul's armor must have fit David when he was fixing to fight Goliath. He didn't need it…someone else's answer. He had to find his own.

I got up while he was talking about those pups again and went to my room. I didn't fall on the bed lest he follow me in and do what James did. I had a new rule about that. Before I went to bed I checked and checked the hall and checked again. Sometimes I didn't go to bed at all, but I hid under it. Pretty smart I know, but burn me twice…shame on me.

It hurt Naomi that they wouldn't let her come to see me those times. I always knew she'd been around anyway cause she brought those packages of care. But since she upset me that last time, they said it would be best she let me work through it. I didn't know what work I was supposed to do beyond breathing. Breathing was the hardest work I could do.

She wanted to fix me. If she could just let me be here…but she wanted me to rise. The 'get up.' She wanted to pray me out of it. She wanted me to be her miracle and I wasn't going to move on her time…or no time…not my time…not their time…not the devil's time.

"Leave me alone," I had screamed. But I'd called her since and I knew she was crying.

But now just her silence. Well baskets and cards. And I'd left that note at the desk for her. I love you, it said, because I did, somewhere in me, that love I couldn't feel but had to recognize even while I was locked in this mist. I loved her.

And him, Edward. I had left this place in my mind to go to him, where he was. I waited for myself to come back, but I feared I wouldn't. I was with him, wherever he was. Not a whole self, or a healthy self he would ever want, but a part of me, my eyes, my seeing eyes, on him, over his bed, watching.

Here's what I knew. He was not forgiving himself for being alive. I knew it. I knew it. He gave up the leg to punish himself. He thought he deserved it and more. He was nearly glad to bear such a loss, because he had not saved them, not been the hero, not been the champion, but had lived. He had lived and had not earned the right. He had only been in-country for five weeks. He had been stripped down to powerless and he was lost in that swamp of horror.

He had to come back…he had to know he was loved…I was telling him for himself, not for me, I was this now, this inhuman incubator of the inhumane. I was this soiled receptacle of hate. And I had only started to know that, to define myself, what was left of it, in terms. Before I had been mist and fog just scattered and nothing. Now I was gathering into this mass…this thing I did not want to be a part of…this self…this hideous, defiled, judged, pisspot, shitpot. This me. This it.

I knew Naomi hurt. They had killed Dr. King. I knew she was a woman of sorrows, pierced through, a crown of thorns under the blue hat. I grieved for her. I grieved for us. This family of man that raped and murdered and amputated and spawned itself again and again.

We were hurting each other. Love meant you drew close enough to feel the knife go in.

In here, in this hospital, I couldn't hurt anyone, anymore. I belonged here. I was home.

April eleventh The Civil Rights Act was signed by President Johnson. Naomi could no longer be discriminated against for owning property on Willard Street. May second Naomi and several of the sisters and Debra and her husband Tad now home from Vietnam traveled by freedom bus to the Poor People's March in Washington D. C.

Then in June someone shot Robert F. Kennedy. By the end of the month the news media dubbed the war in Vietnam the longest war in U. S. history.

I was starting to show. Just the slightest bump because I'd lost weight. I was sick a lot, morning sick they said. I was just starting to believe it though I could not imagine that a child grew in me, but truth to tell, I had learned that that which I could not imagine could and probably would come true and then some.

By August we had rioting in Cleveland and rioting in Miami. And a list of presidential candidates long as your arm.

By November we had Richard M. Nixon for president and Edward's mother came to see me.

"Your grandmother has visited me," she said.

I tried to sit up straighter. I had not cared that I sat straight before now. But I smelled a sour smell that was me. And for once, I was ashamed. I thought, I can change this.

Edward favored his mother. He had her hair. She went through her purse and pulled out some pictures. On top was that one Edward had told me about before, him sitting on the porch stairs, his father with him. His father…brown he'd called him. I called it splitting hairs. That man was black as Jacob.

Then Edward as I'd known him, a boy who lived on a bicycle, on the street. Then Edward and James. I handed her the pictures. I drew back in my soul. She wasn't here to create sympathy…surely she wasn't.

"I'm sorry," she said, her eyes filled. "I…I've lost them both. I'm the only one who cares…who's ever cared."

"You haven't lost Edward," I said, and it was sane…it was me. I was in there and I knew things.

"They can't find him. They think he's left the country." She meant James. We'd gone to the police…Naomi had…when she came home in time to be shoved by James as he bolted out the front door. Bixby had stood by while they spread me and gathered the evidence while my grandmother held my hand and whispered Jesus. But they had not gathered the spawning spawn that spawned. Like James, it got away. Like James it rooted in me…Mama's tumor all over again…in me.

I stared at her, his birth mother. There was nothing to say.

"Paul…he's an angry man."

"We're all angry," I said. What I meant was…we all could be…if we so chose. It meant nothing. It excused nothing.

"Edward?" He's all I wanted to hear about.

"He's healing. He'll walk again. Did you know?"

How could I? "He doesn't write," I said bluntly. "He doesn't know where I am." Then, "Does he?"

"No. I haven't wanted to add to what he's going through. He doesn't write, but he's called. It's brief, but he sends his love…to us."

He did not call Naomi. She would tell me. She would bring me water from afar to quench my thirst so I would rise. "Does he…mention me?"

She leans forward, her hand on my knee. A mother's touch. I remember that…those times…those long ago times. The way Mama would touch me when Charlie was mean…had been mean…the sympathetic touch of a mother when she knows her child is not loved.

"Tell him…it's God's will that he's alive." Then I looked at her. "Will you tell him?"

"Yes," she said.

"Tell him he has to live…for all of us…for all of those who didn't…for all of those around him who need his encouragement. Tell Edward…he has to live for himself. Because he's beautiful…and he's a light. He's a light in this world." It felt so right to say this. I heard myself. I was proud of what I'd said. It was true.

"I will, Bella. No wonder he loves you so much."

"Does he?" I said.

"Yes."

"Then why…nothing…for so long."

She smiled, sad. "My guess is he's protecting you. Giving you an out."

"He knows," I said, a fire catching in me. "He can't do that! He knows I'll never stop loving him…never."

"Shhh," she says because I'm crying. God says he wants us hot or cold. Either one. But not lukewarm. He won't tolerate tepid. And I'd been tepid. I'd been tepid since Edward got shot. Since James raped me. I'd been stuck in lukewarm and almost gone. But right now, hot was coming. Hot was coming.

"You tell him I said this…I said it…he promised nothing could separate me from his love. He told me no matter what I wasn't to think for a minute he'd stopped loving me. This world wasn't big enough to stop his love. He told me that!" I yelled, grabbing onto her, clutching her arm.

I knew security was behind me, saw her eyes dart to them over my head, but she held them off, not that they would listen for long. I sat down, and breathed like they'd showed me. I calmed myself. "I'm alright," I said, not turning around, but arms around my middle and rocking some I said, "I'm alright."

Once they backed off I said to Mrs. Masen, "You'll tell him for me?"

"I will," she said.

Later that week they let me listen to the heart beat. I couldn't believe it, so quick and strong. The doctor said it was supposed to be fast like that. "It's alive in me," I said to him.

"That's right. You're going to be a mother."

Well, that brought me back to King Nebuchadnezzar. Being crazy like an animal wasn't the end of his story. One day he was in the field, in the rain, eating grass, and he looked up. That was it. He looked up and he thought, "I'm not God." And seeing as he knew he wasn't God, he praised God and he became a man. So he wasn't God, and he wasn't an animal. He was just a man.

And sanity returned.

Two weeks later I went home.


	51. Chapter 51

Finding My Thunder 51

I knew a boy, who was a man, who was my man. He was my lover with the coal black hair. I had held him to me and learned his flesh and soul and in our spirits we were one and that transcended countries and oceans and time.

Naomi had rearranged the house. She had uprooted herself, putting me in her bedroom and she had taken mine. I did not agree, but her old room was the big one, big enough for two, for a crib need be.

But fragile as I felt, it was an awareness of the house down the block, connected to me by a ribbon of brick alley, but so much more, by love, by hate…and now by blood.

Dickens came first, upon learning I was home. I sat on the porch because it was not as close as the house got sometimes with Naomi keeping it so warm. I sat there and here he came on his bike, and it not stopped when he got off, letting it crash itself as he threw open the gate and ran to me and dropped on the step beside me, his head on my lap and his arms around.

He cried for a while, and I was over him crying some, feeling what he did, it so raw and pure. "It's alright," I told him as I patted his back.

He lifted his head, his streaming face, freckles wet and some dirt, too, "I told him. He called. We don't have the money but Mom called the hospital and they promised to make him call and Dad said we couldn't take it…the call…and he tried to grab it from Mom and they fought and I got it and I yelled in the phone, 'James hurt Bella.'"

And I remembered so well Edward at the table in Naomi's kitchen, clear-eyed. He would kill James, he said.

"I told him I would tell," he said, more tears. "I promised him I'd watch and tell."

"It's okay," I kept saying though my face must have showed something different. He gripped me harder, almost too hard, but his body was shaking.

"He chased me into the bathroom and I got the door shut," he said.

"Who chased you?"

"Dad," he said. "But…I got the door closed and Mom was there…so I opened it…and he hit her…so many times…so I got him off, and he shook me off and he left. I wanted to call Bixby…but Mom said no."

I felt the quaking deep in me. I couldn't tolerate it anymore. I couldn't sit by and pretend not to notice another predator's den. Naomi didn't. She gave her life…to rescue. Look at me…here. Rescue. I stroked his hair from his face and he lay there until it was just a hiccup in him. "It gets bad down there, you come stay with me…me and Naomi. He comes around here…we'll call Bixby."

He lifted his head. "I've got to help Mom. I promised Edward."

"If we get Bixby in on it…you have helped her," I said. I knew how it went, that they wouldn't do a thing between a man and his wife other than calm the man down some. But I knew what it was like to sit on those kinds of secrets. To feel there was no where to go. I even protected Naomi from it. But sometimes, after Charlie passed out, I came to this little house. And if it hadn't been here…somebody…I don't know what.

"I don't have much family…but I'll be your big sister. How about that?"

Well he had another round of crying then. He was just a little boy, just that and I kept stroking through his hair. The sins of the fathers, it's all I could think. The sins of the fathers. "Someday you'll be a father," I said. "And you'll be better. You'll have a chance to get it right."

He lifted his head and wiped his nose on his arm. "Use your shirt," I said, and he did, wiping his nose on his shirt's tail. Then we both laughed a little. Just a bit.

"I ain't gonna be like them. I hate them…Dad and James. He put a baby in you. You need to leave it at the hospital. I hope it dies."

I nodded, but his sincere well-meaning words were like a knife twisted. What he said…what he felt…that came from James…and Paul. That wasn't about my baby. That was the father's hate. It had to stop.

I had to keep coming to terms. It was a baby. It was a person. The unimaginable had happened. But this young hurt boy confronting me about it…that's always when the words got formed…when someone brought the challenge…and then I got to thinking how to speak back…and that made me face what I felt. And this one, this boy, he spoke out of love and real and dear. For all the fury in his words, he was innocent, but the thing being formed…in him…that was the violation. They had my body, they took it, but they had his soul and his spirit in their hands. They were forming him, forging him.

Words were swirling and forming in me. Truth was defining itself, rising up. "But…no. No. I ain't gonna let this poor…child…I ain't gonna let you hate this child…I ain't gonna let anyone…I ain't gonna let anyone hate this child." I said it looking out, down the alley. Well…I would never do that. I would never…do that. That had been done with me. The sins of the fathers. That is what it was with James…hate…for what Edward had in him, and me…hate…Paul's hate…Paul's father's hate…and all the hate in all the Pauls and all the Charlies and all the James…and now they were passing the baton…and I stroked over this hair and this skull and brain…who was being taught…to hate.

It's like a door opened up…a hatch and some light showed, not weak light…but piercing light.

"Dickens," I made him sit up and look at me, "you ever think…this baby is a part of me…a part of you…a part of Alice…a part of Edward…a part of everyone in your family?"

He shook his head.

"You ever think? If you hate something…you hate yourself?"

He shook his head.

"Hey Dickens…don't you dare hate this child…my child…your…brother. Don't you dare ever let yourself think that way."

"But…if it wasn't there…."

"It is there. And it's the great…gift…the surprise that rises out of the darkest, cruelty. Out of hate, out of hate…this child will come and he or she will be this chance…for all of us…hitting…fighting with fists and words…trying to kill each other…this child will be a place…to come to our senses. A place to give love."

He stared at me.

"Love can't be stopped. It's stronger than hate. You think James stopped me? Stopped love? You just wait 'til this baby is born. You just watch how much I love him."

That's what she said. That's what she taught me…the blue hat…the crown. I had seen her spine straight in its presence. I had never seen hate grow straighter or taller than her or even close. When Dr. King got shot…her Dr. King…she went to the poor people's march with Dr. Abernathy. She did not go to the mental home. She did not lick her wounds. She carried on. In love.

I felt something so big in my heart, something trying to spark, trying to breathe and get some legs…and it was love and it was this child and they were the same.

And I thought of Cain…killing his brother…and the mark it put on him…and the mark on this world…but Adam had another son…and his name was Seth…and he brought healing…and something new, from the same line, the same two flawed human beings, the father and mother of us all.

"This is a boy," I said to Dickens.

"Do you know?" he asked.

"I do," I said. I just did.

It was so strange, it was so real. I said to Dickens, "I just want you to know, I love you. I'm here if you need to come…need to get out…any of you all…I'll be here for you. We're a family now. We're one another's future."

"Do you know?" he said again, like he was trying to believe something good.

"I do. I'm tired. I'm weak. But I ain't gonna stay this way. So you need us…you don't feel safe…just come. I got a lot in this world to step up to. I'll get better. Don't you worry. And Edward…." Edward. I wished I could tell him all that I felt, all that I knew. But his heart was good and I prayed like never before. I prayed to the one who could reach where I could not go. Because I wasn't God. And I wasn't an animal either, and nothing done to me could make me an animal, a beast, except hate.

And I shared that at Temple. I had never shared before, never stood where Naomi stood to deliver her "Get up" sermons. But I had something to say, not because I'd suffered, but because I was healing. I had love.

And now I had more love. I entered a new place with the sisters at temple. They told me things, they shared. And I was less alone in what I'd suffered than I realized. And I was humbled. And I lost any sense of being alone. And I knew, sitting there in Temple, letting their brown hands, calloused hands with nails done sometimes, with sweet smelling lotion, with rings or with nothing, just hands that gripped mine, and pats and kisses and hugs and whoops of joy, what I knew as they prayed over me and around me and we were undone together, and we had cried and celebrated, it wasn't anything I would go through that mattered more than how I reacted to it. Reaction was always a choice. Reaction was always my power.

I hear you God…and Dr. King…and Jesus…and Naomi…and all of those great lovers who shared their stories and their pain. I heard.

The greatest of these..is love.


	52. Chapter 52

Finding My Thunder 52

We had Thanksgiving at the Temple and it was always a three turkey deal, white gravy, brown gravy, grits and cornbread stuffing, greens and corn and corn pudding and noodles and biscuits and cauliflower and green beans and mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and Jello salad every color of the rainbow and peach, pumpkin, and cherry pie. Soul food table, long on fat and flavor, so good your eyes would water, and your mouth surely would. And Eric, a black intellectual now, formidable and familiar, amused and saddened by my fat stomach, understanding and judgmental. We hugged and I gave him an extra pat. "They still got the fist, I see," he said laughing. "Yeah, and the bird with the cocky eye."

"My mother tell you I just got back from Africa?" he said.

"Like we wouldn't know?" I said. "Who you think prayed you home?"

He laughed.

"And I guess you heard about all my adventures," I said.

"You're always the biggest news," he said.

"Yes, the mental ward is hard to beat for sensationalism," I said.

"Looks like the Christ child will be here soon."

"I suppose it must come out," I conceded. He asked if he could feel my stomach and I agreed. He got a kick against his hand, which in Africa was akin to an elephant sighting, he informed me. So it was good to see him. He'd made me laugh and feel somewhat normal.

Well, I could almost hide my pregnancy right up to the end, least-ways I didn't look ready to birth at nine months, but seeing as I spent so much of it in my bathrobe in the hospital, I didn't have to worry about how big I got, or finding clothes.

I sat up late in Naomi's recliner with my stomach hurting. When it didn't go away, I stayed upright dozing and waking miserably. As I waited that out, I ended up hurting worse than ever. Naomi got up to check on me and she said, "We need to get ourselves to Corning."

"This can't be it," I said all panicked. I didn't want to go back to the hospital, and I didn't want to give birth. I was only seventeen. Wasn't I supposed to be at a sock hop or something? I didn't want to be the girl in that Red Cross movie we'd all screamed at.

I wanted Edward. If I could just touch him, just feel his skin, his hair in my hands, I could go through anything. I didn't let it well up, not ever, I carried it in me, but I didn't let it talk to me or move around, and now this baby…well I couldn't imagine it. I couldn't imagine it. I wanted Edward. I was tired of waiting…I wanted him. Right now. "I want Edward," I moaned.

And James…fuck James. I hoped Edward killed him and brought me his pecker in a Cracker Jack box. "Oh God," I said doubling over with pain. "This is the curse," I yelled.

"It's not," Naomi said, sounding more lame than I ever knew she could. "It's…a great blessing." She patted my back and that had to stop right now.

"I ain't going to that hospital. I ain't gonna do it," I said to her wild.

"This is a heck of a time to tell me this," she said back.

"Get Sister Debra. You and Debra can bring this baby in. No one else. You've done it before. You've told me. Get all the sisters, I don't even care. They can get it out. They can pray it out."

"Bella, listen to me…you are more like your mama than you even know. Now you listen here…you are going to get up off that chair…"

"I ain't gonna get up. Not this time. I am hanging on right where I am…," I howled as another pain hit. "How bad does this get?"

She didn't answer. Then, she didn't know. Not firsthand.

"I ain't going to Corning and putting up with all their looks…oh the unwed mother, the one went crazy…and look at her poor baby…we know what this is…I ain't going."

"Do I have to call officer Bixby? Is that what I must do?'

"Go on. I'll strip down naked and sit here and wait for him." Then another cramp hit and I was doubled over again. "Oh crap," I said, panting as it left off squeezing me.

"You are not giving birth in that recliner. I'm calling an ambulance."

"Naomi…you better listen…I am having this child…in this house. Now get some help on the phone cause," I got on my feet and a big gush of water came out like I'd peed my pants. "What in the world?" I said.

"Your water broke!"

"What water? My bladder?"

"The embryonic fluid," she said. "Didn't you read that book?"

I hadn't. I meant to…but I hadn't.

My goal was to make it back to my bed, her bed, Jacob's bed. And I gathered my wet Thanksgiving dress in a bunch in front of me and went in the bathroom. I changed out of it in there, cleaned myself up best I could and put my soiled laundry in the corner. Then I grabbed some towels because if I remembered correctly from that movie it could be a bloody affair. I went in Jacob's old room then. I didn't want to ruin Naomi's big bed.

"I'll just have it in here," I called like I was going to lay an egg in a few minutes and get right back to my television show or something. "I'll wash that stuff in the bathroom later," I said, cause body water was gross and she shouldn't have to touch it. Well, I was just in my bra. I wasn't so free normally, but Naomi was on the phone anyway and I ended up putting on one of her nightgowns cause you can't have a baby in your underwear, that I did know, and I needed to cover what I could until I couldn't.

"Better not be calling an ambulance," I called climbing into the bed.

"Sister Debra is on her way. With Tad."

"We don't need him," I said feeling the grip of those giant squeezing fingers. "Holy crap," I said.

"They stronger?" she asked.

"Shit," I said panting, then, "Sorry."

She ended up sitting beside me. "These pains are five minutes apart. We got to get serious now. I have to think for us. Tad is going to get you in the car and Debra will sit in back with you. Soon as they get here we are going to Corning."

"We won't make it," I said. "I ain't having this baby in a car. Help me do this."

She was shaking her head fast. "I can't."

"Yes you can. It's practically out now. This can't get much worse."

She didn't answer.

But she sat by me, then she paced, back and forth from bed to window. Finally, Tad and Debra pulled up and she hurried in to the living room like the reinforcements had arrived.

I got up and closed the bedroom door and clicked the lock. Tad could snap it pretty easy, but I took to pushing the dresser there, too, no easy feat, but determination made me strong. Then I half fell in the bed cause another buttload of suffering was on its way.

It was a man's knock on the door. "Open this Bella," Tad said. "Don't be disrespecting your grandmother this way.

"I ain't going to the hospital," I said loud, then another pain was there and this was the worst yet, so that made one on top of another. I tried to remember the breathing, but it was too confusing, and I tensed up and just tried to bear it.

But it lingered like it had a tail that wouldn't let me go. They were talking at me through the door, but I couldn't think on any of it. I wished it was quiet.

"Edward," I whispered. He didn't know how I suffered. He didn't know about this.

But as soon as that last pain came and went another took its place it seemed. I had no idea how long I'd been doing this. Since after supper while we were at temple. Even earlier if I thought. Well I didn't feel right when I woke in the morning, but then I often didn't.

The clock on the nightstand said two am. Well that pain blew up slow and blew and blew and I blew out my breath and gripped Naomi's sheets. And I was locked in this agony and I felt more liquid come out of me. "Oh shit," I said, glad I'd put towels there.

I looked up at the ceiling to appeal to God, but I couldn't bear to look at it, painted that green, and that crack running, and it gave me no relief cause here was another one, and my legs were open cause it just felt better. And I was riding the crest of that one when I heard the dresser move, but I did not look because my eyes were closed, and he said, "Oh goodness," and I knew he'd never touch me, and the women were there then and talking, and I was just getting pummeled now, one pain on another, smearing the edges together and one long tunnel now, one big wave with no let up, and this was the curse and no one could tell me different as the overhead light grew big then small and it was that way then, them responsible, not me, me just hurting and pulled into a place like that movie, a bed to suffer and die in, the place he raped me, the place I would die of weary pain in. I would get up now, if I could, I would get up and run and run and never look back at this devil's lair.

And Beatrice was there, and my legs were bent and she rubbed warm oil round and round the place where the head showed and finally they told me the head was there, and I didn't want to see so get that mirror out of there Sister Lavinia, and a cold rag on my forehead, on my lips, and me exhausted, and Naomi's prayer and tongue, that gibberish that I hoped said just the right thing, and oh such pretty hair and get her shoulders up and push, and push, and a noise coming out of me like I was trying to lift a polar bear, and ohs and ahs and shoulders are out and one more push and she ain't barely tearing, just look at that, and a sound like an angry bee, a bleating sheep and him in the air, held by Sister Beatrice and now we got praise meeting, oh hallelujah, oh praise God's, and another pain and delivery, are there two? No, afterbirth is all. And thank God, quit messing with me, and do you want to hold him? And I do not want another thing to do with him, truth be told, but I do want to look and try to believe he came out of me, such beauty, such angry red life, such black curly hair and full lips, such pumping blood and legs and fists…from me.


	53. Chapter 53

Finding My Thunder 53

I was a mother, seven months away from my eighteenth birthday. Seth Jacob Swan, seven pounds, twenty-three inches of skin, bone and appetite. I couldn't believe how relentless motherhood was. It was killing to live so consistently for this other person. He was so beautiful. He was so perfect and so sweet and so scary and demanding. I worried I'd kill him so I had to double check everything with Naomi or Debra or Beatrice or any of the others who would listen to my endless stream of worries.

I didn't want to nurse him. They were all pretty surprised. It just sounded weird. No, I wanted bottles. They were more modern. Nursing sounded backwoods. And selfish as it might be, my body was retiring from service, from producing anything other than normal stuff. I'd kind of had enough. So I got the new modern Playtex nursers because they were the latest thing and you didn't have to sterilize them cause the bottle held a pre-sterilized bag. You just had to boil the nipples and I could manage that.

The sisters gave me gifts for the baby, some for me, and twenty two dollars in a card. They were so good to me. I had baby clothes others had outgrown, so many baby clothes. It looked like a nursery explosion in Naomi's room. My baby had everything. But a father. Or a mother who knew what she was doing. But aunties? It was ridiculous. You'd think he was the Christ child cause we were adoring him all the time.

Mrs. Masen came down to see him. She held him and her eyes were moist. She assured me there was no word from Edward, but I already knew everything from Dickens. But he was going to be released from the rehab hospital in Germany so they knew he was heading home soon. The last time she'd written, well he'd sent a message through his recruitment officer. He told her to leave him alone.

That hit me hard, actual words, and then so brutal.

But I knew what they meant. That was the same thing I'd said to Naomi while in the mental ward. It sounded pretty cold and heartless, but it wasn't meant to be.

It was what you said when you felt like people wanted you to be fixed but you knew you weren't and you didn't know how to be. That's what I knew. He was full. He couldn't take in anymore. Something had to get rearranged or thrown off. He was stuck. He'd get here. I knew he'd get here. He'd told me he wouldn't forget. But his pathway home…I didn't know how convoluted or dangerous, but it might not be a straight shot.

He wasn't out of the woods. No, his leg was just a part of it. And I didn't know what he knew. He hadn't called home after that one attempt where Dickens had said James had hurt me. And the baby, far as I knew no one had said any of that, too afraid for him to know. We were looking through a dark glass.

This baby was my consolation. Who could have imagined such? He was my love and my heart. This child…I didn't think there would be another. I couldn't imagine going through that again. Looking at Mrs. Masen knowing she'd gone through birth multiple times, her body opening to expel a whole endless crop of watermelons, no thank you. She had my utmost respect. But here's the thing, my baby, my boy, worst thing in the world the way I got him, but my biggest most profound accomplishment…him.

He made me hopeful. And more tender to the plight of the world. With all the boys we were losing in this war, over thirty-three thousand to date, more than in Korea…and them loved just as much as I loved this boy of mine, just as splendid, full of just as much potential and fire and want and life. How did a mother lay her son on that altar? How did she let go?

I was grateful to be able to hold Seth in my arms. I wanted to protect him…from everything. I was so grateful to have him to hug and kiss. I wished Edward could get here and hold him, and feel his life and trust. He would love Edward back from the grave he was just so happy and pure.

But after Mrs. Masen left, I put Seth in his bassinet and asked Naomi to watch him while I went out for a minute. I had not driven for a long time, but I found the truck keys and fired it up and drove away slow. I went to Temple, and I went inside and didn't even bother with the lights. I went up on the platform and knelt behind the pulpit and I bent over and put my spread hands on the floor there and I said to God, forgive me for my foolish deals in the past…foolishness I can't live up to anyway. I knew Edward thought he wanted to be left alone, but I also knew we were never alone. We were never, ever alone. And he wasn't. He had a whole bunch of people here who loved him. I asked God to send him home to us, not because of some stupid deal, but because he was God and I truly believed he could do anything.

I was there for a few minutes when the lights flooded on. It was Tad. "Bella?" he said, like he wasn't sure what kind of madness I was up to now.

I straightened. "Oh hey, Tad. Just praying."

He laughed a little. "You scared me for a minute." He stood there and I was done so I got up and walked toward him swatting at my knees.

"You know anything about some tools stored out back in the shed?"

Well, he would be the one to find them.

"Yes…I do. They belonged to my dad and I'm going to use them to start up a welding business."

"That right?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Just making sure Naomi wasn't heading up a ring of some kind." Well we laughed pretty much over that.

"What you doing around?" I asked.

"I check it over every night. Sometimes more than once. Since I been home…."

I nodded. I knew he had a hard time since Nam but he handled it well. He looked out for things, protected the neighborhood.

"Edward…he won't communicate with his family. Or me. The hospital communicates through the recruitment officer and that's all we have. He said as soon as he knew Edward was on U. S. soil he would tell the family."

Ted nodded. "Maybe he wants to control it…how he comes home."

I nodded. "Is that normal?"

He smiled. "What's normal about war? He's wounded on top of it. And the trouble…," he let his hand flop at me.

I nodded and it got awkward. "You glad you went?"

He shrugged. "I wouldn't take nothing for it. It takes a while to calm down. But…you make it through it's yours. You see things…a whole new way. It's up to him."

"You think that?"

"It's up to Edward kind of man he's gonna be now," he said. "Don't give up on him. I didn't have Debra…she's helped me. He'll figure it out. He's got a family…he's a blessed man already. He'll figure it out."

Well that's just what I'd been thinking.

Debra had lost her baby while Tad was overseas. I could feel Debra's ache everytime she held Seth. They truly saw Seth as the dear baby he was. They had no idea how much their strength blessed me. They gave me hope. I tried to tell him and it sounded dumb and butchered, but he was kind and he bumped my shoulder and told me to get home.

I drove home quiet inside. If this kept up I might start listening to music again.

So motherhood did help take some of my worry off of Edward. I could barely think of anything but bottles and formula for the bottles and diapers. Then I had to go to the doctor's right away and get checked and lectured about my home birth that was actually very successful. And the baby was fine too, but they had to circumcise him and give him some crazy test for food allergies. I hated them for sticking him.

So we welcomed in 1969 still not hearing from Edward. Naomi was in bed but I had sat up and listened to the sounds of guns being fired all around town. Bixby would be going crazy about now. Seth Jacob, my son, had finally fallen asleep and I was really afraid to move him. When the phone rang his little arms flew up, but his eyes did not open cause I snatched it up on the first ring.

This phone rang at odd hours. That was a fact of living in a pastor's house. She used this house for ministry, but now it was filled with me and Seth.

"Hello?" I said it urgent, and I listened, the receiver pushing into my ear and my head. I couldn't hear anything, then some traffic far back in the call, and then the sense of someone there…just there.

"Is it you?" I asked.

Nothing.

"Okay, just stand there, just…don't give me an answer. Is it you?"

Nothing.

"Okay. Okay." So many tears in me, but they were deep, like deep blood when you cut your finger and it don't bleed right off. But it's coming.

"Just listen then, listen to me, I love you. I told you, you get hurt…oh Edward…Ed…Edward," now they were coming, and I didn't care to spare him or not, I didn't care. "Come home. Come home to me. We belong together. Come back to me. Don't do anything that will keep you away, take you away. Come back to me. I can help you. You can…help me. I need you. You need me. Don't you remember? Come home. Come home to me. I…hurt. I hurt for you…with you. I need you to hold…me. I need to hold you."

Then choked and wadded in a ball, his voice, his music, "Bella."

Then crying, both of us, just those sounds. So many tears I had to hold the receiver away from my mouth so I didn't get the phone wet.

Then breathing, sniffing, swallowing, "I love you," he said, his voice, the pain.

My heart, my hands shaking on the phone, on Seth, my arms trembling.

"Your leg," I whispered, knowing I shouldn't, it would be too much. But I had not moved, I had forgotten myself, my body, the room, I had gone into another place, into this phone, its cord, the dark place where voices wrapped around one another. "Your leg," I said again and it poured out of me, sorrow, my chest hurting.

The emotion overtook me, and the chair held me, and I listened. "Come home," I whispered when I could breathe. And nothing, and sound, and nothing and the line went dead.

I didn't say his name a hundred times, I didn't push the receiver buttons. But I sat there a long time, the longest time and held the receiver through all of its protests, its warning sounds that I needed to hang up. I waited and held that one link that he had spoken out of like a miracle done on the Sabbath, out of order, offensive and wrong and unfair and profound and wonderful and hopeful.

And for hours, until Seth stirred, I realized I held the phone. Naomi had gotten up because Seth was crying and I was barely realizing I could do something about it.

"Bella?" she said seeing me sitting there, the phone truly dead in my hand.

"He called," I whispered. "He…called me. I think he's here…in the states."

Well I knew he was. A few days later I got an envelope filled with money. I knew it came from him.


	54. Chapter 54

Thank you so much for all your reviews of this and words…bless.

Finding My Thunder 54

Now that Seth and me had our six week check-ups I went ahead and got on birth control. Then Naomi insisted I see about where I stood in terms of getting back to school. But I was no longer 'amenable' to the regular high school situation. At least that's what Principal Brown was telling us as we sat in his office, me holding my darkish baby.

They would allow me to take final exams to finish out my junior year, since I had been so close to finishing anyway. But students with special circumstances like mine were, they felt, better served in a special school.

"It's a tricky thing when one of our students falls in the family way. It's just not conducive to good morale for the students. Especially one such as yourself, Miss Swan, a…good student. We have to be careful of the tone we set."

I suspected he was talking more about my morals than the schools morale, but he'd always given me a headache pretty much. I put Seth on my shoulder and patted his back and he did a loud burp. I kind of thought that said it all. Then he loudly passed gas. Well that was for Hannah. My son was brilliant.

"I have wondered in my time," Naomi said adjusting the collar on her red coat, "if there were a way to detect some of the fathers of these babies. I have wondered if they also would not be found less amenable to the regular high school situation but I suppose that's a foolish idea as this situation seems tailor made for them."

Mr. Brown tried to scoot higher in his chair and his face flushed red. Well, she didn't know her place and the climate was such, any hint of discrimination by anybody for any thing could be construed as potential lawsuit material.

"But of course…that is the way, the womenfolk carrying the burden of 'tone,'" Naomi laughed, "for the 'tone deaf,' who set the pace of this world." Well, she was pretty pissed off I could tell but he might think he imagined it and she was smiling.

"Mrs. Blue there is a very fine technical school in Corning and girls like Bella are welcomed there. Negroes as well, of course," he said, his face flushing a deep red.

"Of course," she said, "according to the Desegregation Act." Naomi looked at me her brows raised and a smile on her lips. I was an official member of the Negro club now and he was letting us know. "But I've got to tell you, there are no other girls just like Bella. This girl has been through a lifetime of difficult circumstances many adults have not known, and now she is a mother and she has talent and ambition and so many plans. So what can this technical school do to assist her in her journey to take care of her son and be a productive member of society?"

Here's what he said, I couldn't start technical school until the following school year, but it was a one year program and I'd have my diploma. I would receive secretarial training. That was what was available for me. That or Keypunch. The rest of the school was dedicated to training young men, auto body, auto mechanics, carpentry and welding.

"What about welding?" I said.

He stared at me, then came to and coughed some. "Welding and sheet metal. Hardly the thing a young woman would ever take in the history of that school," he said. "We need to have a serious conversation here. Your future is serious."

I didn't plan to be a welder, but it would be nice to understand the business and what better way to learn it since I happened to need my high school diploma. Well, Naomi thought I did. So might as well learn something I was actually interested in and could use in my life. I'd already had typing and shorthand at Ludicrous, and an intro class for accounting. I had the office part pretty well figured, but welding…did I really want to be in the dark about that? I knew Annie wasn't.

"They got a rule against girls taking those classes?" I asked, cause it was always thought cute when one of the guys signed up for home ec and sewing. But I knew this was nobody's idea of cute. If I showed up in an all boys' class, it could be seen as a joke and a challenge.

"Miss Swan," he said, fingers folding over his stomach. "They have a no-pants rule for young ladies in that school. Just that alone…how are you going to weld in a dress?" Yes, spreading my legs had always been a problem apparently, but I did not say this, of course. And making me an exception since I'd be doing something that obviously would require pants, that took too much imagination.

"It isn't natural, not any of it," he went on. "Oh I know you all want to be men these days…well that's ruining our country. Burn the bra and all." He shook his head with disgust.

Then that died down and we sat quiet just staring. Welding was it. It's what I needed.

Where else was I going to get that kind of education and my diploma all paid for by the state of Tennessee?

Naomi said, "Principal Brown, who would we speak to about the technical education you've mentioned?"

That threw him a bit. "You mean the secretarial?"

"I mean who is in charge of that school," she said back and I had to look down so he wouldn't see my smile.

Then the strangest thing, before that month was out, a knock on Naomi's door, and it was a man in a suit. Seems Charlie had an uncle and there was money. Eight thousand five hundred dollars and fifty-two cents. With Charlie gone, I was in line to inherit that money.

And next I got some social security money for my dead father, one seventy five. And fifty-five a month until I was eighteen and back pay to catch it up. I was damn near rich.

I walked the property that day, my old yard, and all around the house. There it was, too

old and sick to breathe fire. Silent. Sad. I was tired of seeing it like this, truth be told. Where else would I be? You couldn't budge me out of Ludicrous with Edward out there wandering. I would stay here, my love a candle in these windows. I would wait for him here. I knew there were better ways to spend this money, and this house would suck it down like it was a kid with a soda on a boiling hot day. Practically speaking, it took a dumb kid like me to believe it could rise, this empty tomb without a savior…but I could save it. It knew love because of me…because of Edward. It could know that love again.

Back at the bank they told me they wanted nine thousand, but seeing as I had lived there all my life and I had cash and it wasn't likely to sell very quick, they took eight and Naomi signed.

I could have talked her into anything at this point. If I showed life or interest over a rock or a stick she said yes to the rock and the stick.

I was a home owner. I had no virtue to protect so she didn't have to worry if Edward came back he'd sneak in my room. We were adjusting to the new way of things. We were both a little crazy but it's like a new spark got in us and we were laughing again…sometimes. Yes, I'd had a home with Naomi and I did not need more. But her home was a place of rescue, refuge, and others needed it too. When Edward came home…he couldn't stay there…we couldn't stay there, and I was making a way. But in truth I had cast this place on the waters…cast it off…first time in sorrow, second time in relief, but it had come back to me of its own.

I had so much to do but it was pretty exciting to open that old place again. Dickens and Alice snuck down so much, and their mother looked the other way, and the father wasn't paying close enough attention. He was a drinking man being taken over since James took off and no one heard. He had two sons out there, one in dishonor, one in honor, but both gone.

So we cleaned and shined and painted. I had to make Alice change her clothes cause she had ruined a dress and her mother wasn't happy. And soon as school was over there they were, those two, then another. The older sister Rose who didn't want anything to do with me before, but she was just harder to win. At first she didn't want to help, but she did like to work in the kitchen. She liked to make things neat and tidy more than paint, so she did that a lot, and she'd arrange again and again. And then she'd read a book or do her homework and she was pretty negative most the time, but not so bad. Sometimes she was downright encouraging. She told me she didn't believe that James hurt me and that Seth wasn't his, probably Edward's and I didn't want to say and that's why Edward wasn't coming home and that's why James had to leave. It was all my fault. Everything. I had ruined their family.

Dickens about lost it. "Shut up Rose, you're not supposed to say," he shouted.

"You all believe that?" I asked him.

"No. Dad does. That's where she heard it. Mom said not to repeat it. She knows that. She knows how he is when he drinks."

"Rose…I want you to know something, Seth is mine. When you're older maybe your mom will want to tell you more, maybe she won't. But right now, you need to promise me you'll never speak about this again. It would hurt Seth if he heard such a thing, and it hurts me."

She broke down crying then. She grabbed her things and said she was going home and not coming back.

But the next day she was back, and she had some cookies for me her mom had baked. She hugged me then, and I hugged her. After that things got better between us.

It was not so long after that I was living in the old house again. I took to Charlie's room of all things, well I'd tore everything out of there was ever his. I even changed out some of the furniture with my old stuff, I don't know why. It was chilly, but not bad, and once I had Seth down for a few hours I hoped, I kept the living room dark and I stepped out on the porch. No sooner I did that and he took to crying cause he'd woken up again. I went in and got him. "You little bugger," I said. I got the bottle and wrapped him good and took him out on the porch and I sat out there on the stairs and had him on my lap, his little kicking feet against me. He wasn't really hungry so I sat the bottle beside me. Seemed like he liked it out there in the dark, just looking around with his googley eyes. He had that look like he'd come from that other world, that water world, especially now his dark eyes picking up the moon's light.

I heard it first, and I knew it even though I didn't. But my head snapped up and I listened and I guess I was being protective with Seth and all, but it was more, someone walking, but a halting in it, and I gathered Seth up and put him on my shoulder, but I was leaning forward looking far as I could down the sidewalk, and I saw him. Walking toward me, in his army shirt, his hair long, but everything in his thinness, everything what I knew. And he was at the gate and he looked at me for just a beat, and that halting gait now, him walking to me, and using his hands on the steps, sitting next to me, like we'd barely missed a night together.

His eyes were not on me, but on that baby, and I lowered Seth and slowly shifted him in my arms and set him on Edward's lap, that broken altar, I laid the baby there.

And Edward was bent over him, and his hands went to the boy, his hands so large and strong on that boy, even as they were thin and brown and they had done so many things I did not know. And I moved closer, as close as I could, and my arms around. And such a feeling came in to me, as if I could finally breathe, finally settle inside.

And for quiet time we were there, like the day, in the water, and he held me, and I felt his legs kicking under me, holding me afloat, the way I held him now, my arms around him, around the outside of his, holding him together. And I realized he cried, and Seth's blanket, it caught so much of the wet sorrow and repentance. "I…," he finally said, "I found him in Canada."

"Did you kill him?"

"I planned to. I went there…to. But…I tried…I had my hands…on his…on his…," Seth set to wailing then and I reached for him, but Edward scooped him up and put him on his shoulder and shushed him, and he rocked him a little, and I realized how good he was with babies, and how much practice he must have had. He held Seth. He loved Seth.

"You couldn't do it," I said.

"I tried," he said, but he kept rocking Seth and Seth was soft against him.

"Who told you?"

"Riley. He got it all from Bixby. He even found out where James was headed."

He was here, holding Seth, talking to me.

I touched his hair. Oh God, his hair on my fingers.

He was crying again, sobbing so hard, I took Seth.

"He's beautiful," he choked out. Then he just collapsed, fell over on the stairs crying.

"Come in the house," I told him. I took Seth in and settled him in his bassinet. Then I hurried to Edward but he was just entering the door, and I saw his face better, though the lights were out. It's like he just made it over the threshold before he half fell on me and we lowered to the floor together. "My Bella," he kept saying, gripping me, crying, crying. "My Bella."

Now I was shushing him as he had Seth. I wanted him to cry. I knew he'd held it…all these months, this year. So I held him and he held me, like I knew we needed to do.

"I love you," I said, and he dug in his back pocket and opened his wallet and pulled it out, the thinnest tatters of all the I love you's I'd written, when I was a girl, just a kid.

I laughed, and he laid it carefully on the stairs there and he held me again, and I held him, tried to let my hands adjust and believe.

"I don't ever want to be apart again," I said.

He held me and cried in to my neck.

"From this day on," I said.

He cried and rocked me. "Will you marry me?" he said working to get calm.

"Of course," I said.

He nodded. "Still got my ring," and he picked up the hand that wore the ring and kissed my fingers. Then his face crumpled in, his beautiful too thin lined and desperate face, and he grabbed me to him and cried. "He…he…."

I cried some more with him. "It's over," I said. "It's over. He can't come home he'll be arrested. He can't ever come home."

"I would have brought him, but I didn't want to put you through it," he said. "Bella…I…when I couldn't kill him…I could stop. I didn't know. I found the strength to stop. I don't know if you can understand…but being able to stop…it's like…I'm still in there, you know? Like maybe…one day I can be worthy…again."

"You are worthy," I said. "You're a hero. You're my hero."

"Bella," he whispered, and I struggled onto my feet, and I took his hand, and it was no easy thing him getting on his feet with that leg. And I led him into my new bedroom, and I knew God was with me when I saw Seth finally asleep, and as quiet as two people could ever be, I pushed his army shirt off of his shoulders and laid it on a chair, then he slowly lifted off his t-shirt and laid it on the army shirt, and I saw him, his flesh, and I went to him, he was thinner, and he'd been a long time in a sick bed, but he was still my Edward, still beautiful. I touched his chest and by the dim night-light I ran my hands over him looking for every mark, every scar, until he put his hands on the sides of my face and pushed my heavy hair back and lifted my face and we looked at one another, in the eyes mostly, like we did, which should have been hard to do, but even now with so much time apart it was not hard to do, it's like we had to do it, had to see what was in there, all this time, too much time, and I needed to see the rest, and he kept my hand and we went to the bed, and he took off one boot, then stood and opened his jeans and pushed them down his legs, and pulled out his good leg, and already I could see the hard plastic of the leg strapped to his thigh, and I went down on my knees over this leg, and I fell on it, and it was more crying then, I couldn't stop, but I tried to be silent, except for the gasping, and he was over me, sad, but not like he'd been, a strength in him, like he'd come to terms. I looked up at him, and he pushed back my wet hair, and he wiped at my face and pushed my hair behind my shoulders, his hands under my chin, wiping my cheeks. "You should see the other guy," he whispered.

And I smiled, but it didn't last, I threw myself against him as I raised, and we fell onto the bed, and he kissed me, and it started so sweet, and I groaned with relief, and he groaned with all of the things he must have felt, and I kissed his face, and his hands stayed on my face as if he wanted to feel my expressions, feel my tears.

After a while I sat up then and he showed me how he unstrapped the leg, and when he removed it with the pant leg still on the bottom part and his boot, and there was his stub, and that was better somehow, like it wasn't hiding anymore in that hideous thing, and there was his flesh, red some, and his leg gone, his leg that I loved, a part of him, so much of his body…and I knew he nearly died, he nearly died, and this, and all it meant, all the months and months in the hospital, the pain, the recovery. The cruelty of this. I hated this war. I hated war. I wanted this leg back. I was mourning this leg.

I knelt on the floor, between his thighs, and I laid my face on the stump and I felt the life still there, and I moved to place kisses where it ended, and I felt where it ended, and I ran my hands over it, and I laid my face there, my hair all over him, wet and sticky, like my face and the endless tears.

Finally he lifted me. "Is it disgusting?"

"No," I hissed. "How can you say that? War is disgusting. What you had to go through is disgusting."

"I don't want you to be angry. And I don't want pity. Is that what you're feeling?"

"No, no. But I hurt…I hurt…." More tears. "You know…I told you…when you hurt…."

"It's the same for me," he said. "It's no less for me."

"You didn't write…all this time…I couldn't see you…I didn't know….I knew you were hurting…I couldn't touch you…it's been so hard."

"Riley told me about the hospital…that you…all those months…."

"It doesn't matter. None of that matters. I was catered too. It's nothing compared to this. I have Seth. I'm so blessed. But you…you…." More tears.

"Hey…let's not have a contest," he said and he laughed a little and it was the first time I could even think….

And I laughed a little. He could always make me do that…at the worst times.

"You're home," I said, and I kissed his sweet mouth and it was so gentle.

Then he helped me get my flannel shirt off and the undershirt beneath. Then the bra.

"Whoa," he said in appreciation of my new bigger boobs. "These are…even more gorgeous," he said in true awe.

I lost no time in getting off my jeans, hoping he'd also be dazzled by the five extra pounds I had going on there. Right away he did seem appreciative. "Oh my God," he said, no hold back. He was like a starved man.

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," he said and he started to kiss me everywhere and I said, "Oh my God I remember this." And I did, right away, his warm wet mouth that pulled the blood right under my skin and made me crazy.

He maneuvered us around so he was sitting with his back on the pillows and he had me over his lap. "Can you…I mean…do you want to?"

"I'm fine. I want to," I said.

"Sit on it," he told me, his voice thin and breathy, and I did and almost instantly he came.

"Oh shit," he said, and his hips lifted, and his face looked like he was stuck in ecstasy. As he came down he started to apologize.

"Don't you dare," I said, and he pulled me in to his arms and we held each other there. And we cried some more, but not like at first, and we slept some, and kissed some, and touched some, and felt the first painful thaw of our life together, the first rays of light and warmth and real. My lover.


	55. Chapter 55

Thank you so much for your reviews, readership, and kind words. Thank you.

Finding My Thunder 55

After minor haggling to get enrolled, I graduated from technical school with my high school diploma. Edward also studied welding and machines at a technical college in Memphis using the G. I. Bill. He and Riley worked for Annie in between all of that until he graduated and we opened our own shop in Ludicrous. That's about the time we had our little girl Elizabeth.

I was pregnant with our third child the summer of 1974 and we were having a fall birthday party for our Elizabeth in the backyard. Dickens, or Rick as we were now instructed to call him, was giving Seth and Elizabeth, and Riley's three year old Dave and Tad and Debra's two year old Leon a ride in the wagon attached to the riding lawn mower. I heard Edward call out that he should take it slow and Rick knew that, so he just ignored Edward and kept going in a slow circle.

Edward and Tad and Riley were barbequing. Debra was in the kitchen with Edward's mom mixing up punch and working on the side dishes for the meal. Paul didn't come to these affairs, but the rest of the family did, and Alice and Rose and Edward's two youngest siblings spent as much time in our house as they did their own.

Work-wise, Riley had stayed with Annie, but Tad ended up working with us, with Edward mostly. Riley hadn't changed much over the years, but he did marry the mother of his child, and he finally bought a house in Redfern and moved out of the commune. He was a pot smoking solid citizen.

Naomi had baked our daughter Elizabeth's birthday cake. I was walking slowly with her to retrieve it and carry it back to the party. We were ambling cause Edward and me had just gotten to the place in our renovations where we could get serious next spring about the landscaping. Naomi had so much to tell me about the way things used to be when my great grandmother Susan had this yard kept as a showplace. We'd made it as far as the Canna garden.

There had been some digging there by one of Sooner's puppies all grown up. He was a brown ball of energy just starting to age enough to calm down. We called him Bosco. "I'm going to have Edward turn this over," I was telling my grandmother, "and put in some Canna's this year."

I was doing this for her. It was time. Inside I had done some things to honor Mama. Edward had built shelves for her records, and I had handled her clothing with care. Her skirt became a throw pillow on my and Edward's bed, that island of decadence we shared our very rich private love life upon. But Jacob, it was always this garden, and to leave it wrecked…it was time to do something about that.

"I would leave this place undisturbed," Naomi said, her arm threaded through mine.

That surprised me some. She loved everything we did in the yard.

"It's…," she breathed in then and let it out and it sounded shaky.

"What is it?" I asked, flipping my long braid over my shoulder.

"I been thinking…it's a joyous day…it's Elizabeth's birthday and I don't want to rake it all up with this…but if something happens to me…I'm the only one knows about him."

"About Jacob?" I asked, tilting my head so I could better look into her face.

She was looking at that garden, at its bumpy soil, its fresh pits from the dog, the dead grass and weeds from years past.

"This is a grave," she said. "There is a baby buried here."

"What baby?" I said this, and all at once, I knew.

And as she spoke, a story unfolded in my mind, its fragile pieces, like kites I'd pulled from the sky to lay in a pattern on the grass. They were fitting together at long last.

There was a girl, and she did grow up in the big house in the front of the yard, raised by the grandmother who had saved her from her desperate fate when she was only two. And she was so pretty and sweet, and she brought joy to a house that had sat perfect and silent and childless for too long.

There was also a boy, and he did grow up on the same stretch of ground, in the back of the property. His avenue was an alley.

And he was also prized by the couple in back, the man and his wife unable to have children of their own, and oh how they did love him and raise him with deliberate care, celebrating everything he was. He brought them happiness.

But as he grew, for all the splendor his parents made him believe about himself, there was a hand over him, and it cast a shadow. He did not fit with those less fortunate than him, less secure, less celebrated, less accepted. And he was not welcomed in the big house up front. Oh he could work the yard and visit as he leaned on the rake and drank the iced tea in the big crystal glass. But he could not visit the girl for too long…he could not call on her as he grew…he could not reveal what he felt.

And as she grew she was different than those around her, with her old parents and the haunting truth that though she lived in her mother's past, her mother didn't want her.

And he did like to see her, look at her and wave and smile, and most of the time in the summer growing up he took his toys, one or two things, and he went to find her and stood out back and called her name, "Oh Renee." And her grandmother would call for her then and he would hear her paten leather shoes come tapping across the kitchen floor and the wooden lean-to, then the screen would push wide and he would be waiting and his heart would flutter some when he'd first see her, and she'd always have that smile, and they would play, sometimes for hours, and she would boss him in all their games, but he didn't care she was just so interesting and funny by turns, and he just liked being with her, something inside, it knew he belonged where she was.

Then as he got older, it got even stronger, the delight he felt around her, the interest, the need to see her, hear what she'd say and how she thought, the joy of showing off for her, his growing strength, how high he could climb the tree. And she did think he was fine even if she could be mean sometimes. He didn't care. He belonged to her.

Then it turned to music, and there they found a sameness, a oneness, and television shows, and sharing cigarettes hoping not to get found out, and that magazine she found and all the giggles and him stealing that kiss and her blush, and what he was finding out about himself, and about her

And here's what I think of this house, yours, mine, our parents, here's what I think, me too, and this town, and all the towns, and the south, and the country, and the world.

Here's what I'm going to do…going to be…going to learn…going to see…going to have…going to stand for….

And then it got busy, and school, and work for him, and school and clubs for her, and parties and activities and outings.

And he went to Temple and they worked some more, him and William keeping the grass, the grounds, visiting the sick and his mother volunteering him to do everything needed done in Snydertown it seemed sometimes, and his dad didn't complain, was happy too, but then he got sick, and couldn't help no more.

And the girl was a young woman and she was going to dances…and parties…and he was about crazy, and mothers pushed their daughters his way and it made him so angry cause they weren't her, the one he belonged to, the one who didn't know she belonged to him.

And then Swan came along, the white mister in uniform.

He could see right off this man wasn't good enough, kind enough, human enough. Charles was his name, but he was to say, Mister Charles. And his mother said, "Stay away from there Son, get the grass cut and leave…you need to go up north with your uncle Leonard, he can get you a job at the factory, one hundred twenty five a week."

But he wouldn't hear. He wouldn't go.

He wouldn't leave her. Not even when she married Mister Charles. And he did lay drunk for three days over in Snydertown and folks did say, "Naomi's boy…."

And he did go north and he took that job, and right away he could see…he was nothing. He was no one. But he did work, the beloved son, who had read too many books, who got too many looks, and that broom just felt wrong in his hand.

From back home he heard that Mister went away, in the war now, General Patton marching his boots toward Germany. And William was dying.

So he went home to bury his father and there she was, not his mother, but her, Renee Swan they called her now. He couldn't see anything else.

And he did take his mother home that day they put his father in the ground, and Naomi did lay down and her ladies were there tending that house, and he walked to the big house, past the Canna's there that he had started and kept every year. They came up on their own now, barely knowing he was gone, and he was here.

And he did walk to that screened door where she did live in that big house all alone now and it was dark, and he did go inside, and she stood in there, in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, her back straight, her dress prim, her hands behind her gripping the edge of the sink. "What you doing?" she asked, her eyes big even in that dark.

But he did not wait, he did not slow, he went to her swift and wrapped his arms around and his full lips did find their place on hers at last, and he did bend his knees as he gave her himself. Her hands came slow and touched light, then his arms wrapped around and he did crush her to him, the hunger, the want in him like a beast now, a panting, demanding beast.

And he moved her to the table and he fell on her and she was with him in it, begging him, begging him and kissing and the deep sounds, and his ears filled with the stomping heart, and he got himself free, and he got himself in, and they moved the table all over that floor as he thrust into her and gave her himself, and she screamed his name, screamed it, "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob."

His mother was not far behind. He heard the door as his senses came, and he helped Renee to sit up and he helped her right her torn dress.

And his mother was the one undone. The calmer he got the crazier she got. Renee and him, sister and brother, and Renee married, and who did he think he was…they would kill him for this. He would die.

He was already dead, didn't she know? He loved this woman, he had always loved her. He had known she was a part of him, he had known it was more than any other woman. But they'd never been told they shared blood…if they did. Naomi had been told by a woman there, one of the women…a junkie…who slept with and for…the man who had fathered them. Him and his beloved belonged to Lottie.

Why did she say it? Did he belong to her…the slattern who wanted to get rid of him seeing the two women came from money? Or was it true…did he favor his black father and Renee take after Lottie?

Susan and Naomi had not questioned it, they had taken the babies, they had no proof, just conscience. They had saved the two, the little white mother who fed the black orphan in the box, who had always been his reason for life.

And these two women took those children home, Susan indebted to Naomi for all she put up with from her demented husband growing more and more mentally sick as he aged, and he had attacked Naomi, hurt her, but she'd stayed and with Susan they wrestled the mister unto the grave.

And the children were a gift to the two who respected one another, so much that Susan saw to Naomi's security when she died, giving her a house, even if she dared not give her property in a neighborhood where home owners did not look like her.

What was not foreseen…their tie…Jacob and Renee…their love…so potent…so confused…it jumped the fence when they were small.

And he went north, but he didn't stay, he came home and the fissure in his heart had deepened, and he was a drinking man now, and he did watch that house and it did fester, the jealous eye, the jilted eye.

Renee wouldn't see him, wouldn't talk, and Mister Charlie came home soon, he'd had a break down, and it was in and out of the hospital then, back and forth, and one night he could take no more, shuffling around cutting the grass, Naomi's colored boy working in the yard, he could take no more, and the mister was gone, and she answered the door and he begged and he cried and demanded too, and it happened again, and again, and again.

And his mother begged, and he went north and one day in the street, bottle wrapped in paper in his hand, he went across the busy street, and he did not look, he would not look…and the screech and the impact and his beautiful, broken body in the air…to land on the asphalt…the screams and the calls, and the loss. And his mother…my Naomi….

Mister Charlie came home, back and forth. And Renee's stomach grew, and Naomi took her to Corning and the baby, and the heartbeat, and the day the pains came, she was home by herself, and Naomi came by the house, but Renee didn't answer the door.

So Naomi looked in windows, and she got in the front door, and she called and called but nothing, and up the stairs she ran, then down the stairs she ran. And deeper, down the basement stairs, and the furnace door open, and the small flame there burning bright, and on the floor Renee, pink slip and wet and blood and a little form beside, the cord not cut and him not breathing, this little Negro baby boy.

Renee said they must save him, put him in the furnace so no one will know, and the panic in Naomi.

"Where's Charlie?" Naomi asked.

But Renee doesn't know. He stepped out. The baby….his feet so little. Renee said they had to save him…from Charlie.

And Naomi got the mother up and into the shower upstairs. It took a long time to get her in there. And while that one stood listless under the water Naomi hurried back down, down to the cellar, and that one there…and she put him on the towel and wrapped him up. She held him for a moment. The door to the furnace was open and she moved toward that. Then she reached and pushed the heavy metal door closed.

And she carried this one up…to the garden…where Jacob put the Cannas. She got the shovel, dug a hole, and laid that child in there. She filled it in, she tamped it down, then she returned to the house. And the woman rolled into a ball, sitting lifeless under the cold water, rocking on the balls of her feet and singing, "When the Roll is Called Up Yonder."

Naomi helped her out of the water. She helped her into her clothes and tucked her into her bed and covered her to her chin.

"When Mister Charlie comes home," Naomi said to my mama, "we do not speak of this. We tell him I took you to Corning and you miscarried. We tell him you must stay in bed and recover. Do you hear me Renee?"

Renee looked at Naomi and nodded, but she did not speak.

"You do not tell of this child," Naomi said.

"Did you save him?" Mama asked in her little girl voice.

"Yes. He is safe," my grandmother said.

And after that, it was different. They were different. Loss had bound them, cut them and deep in their wounds they held the secret, the dark baby, the dark…hidden…and no one able to save him.

Later that evening, Edward found me sitting on the front porch. He had bathed our children and put them to bed. He maneuvered his leg to sit beside me. I knew he'd been on it too much. I knew he pushed himself almost as far as he could go each day, and he felt it was never enough. He was so glad to be alive.

He pulled me to him close and kissed my cheek, then I turned to him and we kissed on the lips. "What are you thinking," he said. "Did you talk to her about the garden?"

"Yes. She doesn't want it disturbed."

He waited. He knew there was more. So choosing my words with the care of a craftsman, I told him the story that had come together in me.

And after, we are quiet as we sit there. He started with holding my hand, but soon, he held me.

"When we're born," I said, "we enter on…maybe page two hundred and forty-five of many other people's stories. No wonder she's watched over me…protected me. She said my mother was never the same after losing Jacob and that baby. She said that's when she changed."

I always admired his comfort with silence. His warm kiss on my temple was what I needed.

"It's eerie to think that's a grave," he said.

"I'm putting a ground cover there. And a bench for her. It's not right that it looks like a weed patch. I guess…she couldn't fix it. What could she do? How hard for her to let my mother have another baby...me. That's why she got so much access to me. Mama was repenting to her. And Mama was sick."

"I'm grateful she kept you safe," Edward said.

"She kept Mama safe too. Always. Can you imagine if Charlie would have seen Jacob's baby? I wouldn't be here. Charlie would have killed her. But it's like he knew things weren't right. He knew something. He didn't want anything to do with me…or her either. He only stayed to get this house, I think, then he didn't live long enough…."

More long silence.

"Edward…we don't have any secrets, do we?"

He shook his head. "I've told you pretty much everything. Even most of Vietnam."

"There is one thing that bothers me sometimes. I know I asked this before…a long time ago…but that oil spill on the stairs at Charlie's old shop…you can tell me…did you ever have anything to do with that? I mean…I never could find the oil cans that had to come out of. I even looked through the trash and out back."

He leaned and put his forehead on mine. He was so handsome now that he'd been home and grown strong over the years again, and he was happy. He didn't have to tell me, but I could see it on him. He was never shy in telling me what I meant to him. Our love only grew stronger. I was so in love with him I still got excited the minute I knew he was home or in my proximity. He told me a million times in a million ways it was the same for him. I knew it was uncommon. But still…did he have a hand in what happened to Charlie?

"It wasn't me."

"It was Riley," I said.

He looked at me, his eyes even darker in this inky light.

"I just want to know," I said.

"Like you tell me…what good will it do?"

He breathed out. "Charlie went down there, raving, down in that cellar. Naomi got that property and he didn't like it. Riley said he would sit down there and hit the whiskey and we could go on home cause he wouldn't come up. So he was down there and we finished up what we were doing and closed the place up and Riley shouted down we were going.

"Nothing. Not a sound. So Riley yelled some more, and Charlie yelled he should shut the fuck up.

"That's when I left. I never knew anything after that.

"And…when I wanted him to find out about James…," Edward continued, "well I called him from Germany. He didn't want to get involved. He was mad about it, but he didn't see it like me. He knew James took off and he wanted me to leave it alone, leave him to the law if he came back. He told me then, don't do it man, take it from me.

"That's when he told me what he'd done…to try and talk me out of it with James."

"What did he do?" I pushed.

"He said after I left he sat in his truck and smoked up and drank some wine. He ended up taking a can of oil and went down a couple of steps and globbed the oil down the stairs. He took the can with him and thought he'd take his chances."

"Oh shit," I said.

"It's the past," he said pulling me to him and squeezing me.

I put my hand on his face. "Thank you for telling me. I don't want secrets."

I kissed Edward, but I said a quick prayer that God would give me a chance to talk about this with Riley before one of us left this earth. Somewhere inside it had to be eating at him. He wasn't a killer.

"Bella," Edward said, "I haven't told you lately…but the best thing that ever happened to me was the night I went under the streetlight to hear that pretty little girl who lived up the street tell stories. As for Charlie…best thing I did after that was to walk in his shop that day and get the wind knocked out of me when I saw you."

I was a crier. And a pregnant crier. I loved the way he said this. He made me feel shy. He could do that still. "Yeah," I whispered, "it was the same for me."

For all the pain and grief around us, it's like we were always meant. He was my Edward. This was my home. And all of those who had met inside of me, laying down their stories, laying down their brokenness and their love, they were the thunder in my heart. And now…in this life…for my time on this earth…I was theirs.

The End


End file.
